Terri, that is not what I meant when I wrote it, but I totally agree with you.<P>In fact, I think that idea I was absolutely responsible for what I put into anything in life, regardless of what I get out and that I AM NOT IN CONTROL OF THE OUTCOME!!!!!<P>For some strange reason, before the affair I think I was deluded enough to think I was. <P>The saddest great truth I learned is that you can not have absolute trust in any fallible human. Duh, that should have been pretty obvious, but I missed that one, too.<P>The upside is you can have complete trust in God and this whole ugly mess clarified that for me quite nicely.<P>everyone...thanks for getting "deep" with me. It is great therapy.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithHopeLove:<BR><B>I recently had posted to NoMas and got started thinking back to my own Plan A.<P>I automatically Plan "A"ed for about a month before I even knew about it. In many ways I continue today.<P>To my knowledge, my H never considered leaving, he was remorseful and I don't think he even ended up liking the OW...so admittedly I had it "easy".<P>Anyway, here are my questions:<P>How nice did you actually feel while Plan Aing?<P>How different was Plan A from your pre Plan A demeanor?<P>I am really a nice easy going person. Really I am. EVERYBODY says so. I really don't hold grudges, don't have hardly any temper and honestly like to help people. HOWEVER, after discovering my H's affair, although I was sincere about rebuilding and recovery, and I did love him and want the marriage at all times, I really had to act nice a lot of the time when I felt anything but nice.<P>We do not swear or use foul language in our house at anytime. However, in the first few months after the affair, I think I may have SILENTLY ended my SWEET PLAN A sentences in "you lying ***". In fact I remember when I was alone I would hear myself saying "My H is an adulterous liar." Yet I could Plan A up a storm.<P>Now my words and actions are more congruent. Although I wasn't dishonest in anything I said, I kept my eye on the goal and didn't LB too much. It wasn't that I didn't want to be kind, but there was so much anger and hurt that had to be contained and worked through in my private thoughts.<P>I wasn't perfect, but all in all I was successful.<P>Although my H thought I was incredibly kind to him after the affair and more understanding and supportive than he would have imagined (or I felt), my Plan A was really not too much different than the plain old easy going me. Does Plan A have more dramatic results when it isn't natural to your personality?<P>Just something interesting to mull over.<P> </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Your moniker says it all: Jesus is the reason you do it so well. I know if He were not directing my steps I would not be able to plan A. I do it because I love Him which is why I love her. I can't love her any more than I do now because I love her with the love that He has taught me. <P>I know she can't understand this because she has never loved me because of her love for Him. Once she finally understands where I fit in her relationhsip to God then and only then will she realize that it was Him working through me all along.<P>I am merely the broken vessel that He says that I am trying my best to get closer to Him and thereby closer to her because He is teaching me so very much that I did not understand.<P><P>------------------<BR><B><I>God Bless,<BR>Rob</I></B><BR> regilmor@swbell.net