I did say that wrong --- YOUR family. <P>I'm sure she will LB all over the place and show your H just how "desperada" she is and within the family she has no "dignitee".<P>It may be enough to bring on -- slug mail. Haven't seen any of her screech in a while.<P><BR>My thoughts will be with you.

Terri,<BR>I am very sorry to hear about your uncle-in-law. I have no suggestions about whether or not to go to the services but just know that if you do go... it will be 10X's harder for her than it will be for you.<BR>I would imagine that the slug would be very intimidated and annoyed by your presence therefore I am certain that she will LB herself as a result.<BR>I know I said that I had no suggestions but I actually do. When you talk to your H, perhaps it would be a good idea to tell him that you would like to pay your respects and ask him if that would offend him in any way?<BR>That way, if the slug does come and would have anything negative to say... she would definately be LB'ing. Just a thought and I think that it would be a very considerate and respectful way to go about this. Basically a cover your butt sort of thing. <P>Just a suggestion,<BR>Genie

InShock - you are too funny ... but slug screeches are just toooo terrible to listen to. Although the thought of having someone make an anonymous call to her about her "lover's" frequent contact with his wife has crossed my mind. However, I'm going to play this squeaky clean... just how I am, I guess (yes, if I lie, my nose grows - really!)<P>Genie, thanks for the suggestion. He already knows that I am planning to go to the services - he seems ok with that.<P>My gut feeling is that he won't bring her. Considering the type of "occasion" this will be, it would be extremely awkward for everyone. And this might seem to be a terrible thing to think about - but it is an ideal opportunity for her to prove what a low-life she really is - because she has not ever been introduced to any of his family and might just be stupid about not being included.<P>H's uncle was a very nice man ... screwed up a lot of the first part of his life, but seemed to find happiness and peace for a few years, anyhow. I'm glad for that.<P>Thank you for the sympathies, all.<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR>I can see clearly now,<BR>the rain is gone ...

Man oh man Genie! You certainly hit the nail on the head for my situation. It's so true, it's like you have to resort to a friggin game with H in order for him to be "SHOCKED" outta the FOG.<P>I really really needed to read your post. It gave me strength right when I needed it. You're one heck of a smart MB person.<P>Thank you again. I'm printing your post and gonna read it again in the morning ... and every morning.<P>BTW: When I talked to Jennifer from the Harley's last week, she told me that when I Plan A my H since separated, it is NOT a deposit to his Love Bank, he simply sees it as me being nice. The OW has the monopoly on the WS love bank once separated.<P>Although Plan Aing them in separation does help them to see that coming home to you ca be a safe place to be.<P>Best and Prayers for all of us and our marriages,<BR>Jo

Terri,<P>I'm not wishing the screech on you but when I saw this I recalled the similar situation at Christmas and the slug mail you posted. And as you know I can't resist picking on the spelling of restrant mangers!<P>If your H is in agreement with you attending the service you are already over a major hurdle as Genie pointed out. That was not the situation at Christmas and that made both of them mad. It's your H's choice now. If he should bring the slug it will allow her to see you with the family and just what the reality of her situation is. If he does not bring the slug then he will probably have to tell her why he is not. In either case, the "situation" will be an issue. <P>This service is obviously not the time or place for this stuff but this is real life and this is one of those happenings that can be a turn-around. Is this how H wants to live?<P>They've been "together" for a while now and yet she does not manage to push or shove herself into the family. That has a lot to do with him and how he wants the relationship viewed by those who should be most important to him. There's a lot to this and that is evidenced by the slug mail you got. It clearly upset her over the holidays.<P>While I know it looks like the world just accepts them as a couple, please realize how lucky you are with his/your family. Many of us have to endure the pain of watching the OW welcomed. <P>RUNNING away from all this comes to mind. Just WHO is the one wanting the FL move?<P>P.S. Have phone and would be happy to make squeaky phone calls. Run slimey slug, run!!<BR>(Actually, the phone call is not a great idea. There must another way to get the info out?)<P>

Hmmm... Resilient, that is an interesting thing you heard from Jennifer... Was it Steve who said pretty much the opposite, though? Now you have me curious. One of the things that I recall WS's saying over and over that they recall when they finally come in out of the fog is the love and forgiveness that we BS's have given them throughout Plan A. It might not be a "Direct Deposit" into their love banks, but it is definitely "held in trust" for them - and they DO see it.<P>Bottom line for me is that I need to be happy with who I am and what I am doing about this marriage. No matter whether it works or not, no matter whether others approve or not. My life is only mine to live and I must "do it my way..." Seriously, I posted a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson a couple of weeks ago - and it is my new mantra: <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action and<BR>follow it to an end requires courage.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>InShock, you are absolutely right - this is very similar to the Christmas thing. And it is just one more thing to rub her nose in the fact that A) he obviously isn't proud enough of his relationship with her to make sure she meets his family, and B) his family really doesn't want anything to do with her. There is a very selfish part of me that is calculating the effect that this situation could have on their relationship - and I am not exactly proud that I can even think of it that way. That's the kind of moral dilemma I often find myself in. I sometimes wish I didn't have so much of a conscience (remember the Pinocchio nose thing!), but then, would I be happy with myself if I didn't?<P>Interesting thought about "running" - we (I and husband) had talked about him going to school in Florida in the past. It was me that was resistant to a move - because my family is all here. But now, maybe it IS running away. He doesn't have to face the people that have meant the world to him for all of his life now that he has betrayed all that they - and he, once - value and honor. He doesn't have to worry about whether or not they accept her. And I'm sure she is THRILLED to death with the idea of getting him away from my greedy little wifely clutches!<P>As far as this situation being a turn around ... I am keeping any thought of that to a bare minimum. I have learned that if I have no "expectations" my hopes cannot be "dashed" to the ground... corny, I know - but true.<P>Oh - and about the possibility of slug mail... he has a REAL internet service provider now... AOL was a major skill for her to master - so I doubt that she will be sending me any slime-mail any time soon. I could always send him a happy hello and find out! <P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>Ralph Waldo Emerson

Resiliant & Terri,<BR>I'm not a Harley, but I did sleep in a Holiday Express last night (sorry Terri, I know that's YOUR pilfered line )<P>I can offer anecdotal Plan A results. I Plan A'ed my H for 18 months. He says he noticed it, he felt loved, he didn't know how I could love him at that point, he felt guilty that I was being so loving. I think hashing over whether those things were a "deposit" or not...doesn't really matter, he felt loved...and what is the natural response to getting love? Plan A is powerful. <P>Now for the flip side...when I dropped Plan A & my hope for the marriage the last separation, he began to Plan A me--and he did a very good job of it. Quite honestly, I didn't want it, I felt guilty or conversely that he was expecting something back from me and I wouldn't give it. I mean WS talk about how their needs weren't being met by the BS--a WS doesn't exactly meet the needs of a BS, and goes farther than that--outright betrayal, lies, etc. Why would I want that back after nearly 2 years of it? He kept at Plan A...and I felt it. I began shutting the door on another relationship, put the divorce on hold, went back to counseling with him, let him move home...and now when we are really repairing our marriage without the safety nets, I think of his Plan A time as a real miracle, when he kept giving in the face of outright rejection...and I love him for that.<P>My marriage isn't exactly a textbook case...but maybe, then again, it IS.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Let love be genuine...hold fast to what is good; love one another." Rom 12:9-10