Maya, I believe (even though I'm a "learning" Christian) that I cannot "Let Go, Let God", unless something is out of my control. When we do have control over our own situations and lives, we should to take a proactive stance and with the help of God, not expecting Him to do all of the work for us. We should adopt a positive attitude, and really try to get to where we want to be. We aren't backseat drivers in our lives, we do have control of what actions we take and how miserable or happy we choose to be. I know I was miserable for quite some time, but we really have to choose happiness at some point, or it's inevitably self-destructive in the long run, ya know? I know you say you are not in love with your H, I felt like that as well, but now I'm more in love with my h than ever. And it didn't happen overnight, but with work on BOTH our parts. Not one person can tell you what to do or where you should be, but you need to think about the fact that you may be looking for an out in your husband when you're really just not happy with yourself. And you do have control over it.

Maya: A new group to punch the ol Maya punching bag? Do not get to downhearted at these comments. Read them, understand that people have an opinion, but not let them drag you down.<P>To those beating Maya: Judge not lest ye be judged.<P>Stay with the program Maya. I speak of the counseling and anti-deps program, and let the chips fall. OK?<P>I was supposed to be taking a break but sometimes you find friends in the strangest places huh? Glad you're joining the fast tomorrow.<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.<P><p>[This message has been edited by Paul Moyers (edited December 09, 1999).]

I certainly didn't mean my reply to be beating down at all. I didn't even read it in that way. I was just there before, so I understand.

Thanks, Connor ... I don't think he's referring to you per se.<P>When you put your feelings on this forum it's fair game .... I just wish I was a little tougher.

You don't have to be tough, just understanding... everyone here is just trying to figure out how to handle the pain in their lives...

Maya, I sea bunch of caring people trying to "wake you up" as such. Now, some are not as eloquent or "easy" on you as they might be, but I believe everyone here is rooting for you & your marriage.<P>Just a thought. Have you asked your husband to help you through this? Or are you just waiting for his willingness to stay together & something "magical" do happen?<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Well, actually Chris I've been 'WAITING ON THE LORD' as instructed. Been waiting for a year now. <P>My H is MORE than willing to work on the marriage ... has been all along. He's the Poster Boy for Patience in Marriage. Oopps, that would be Rob I guess. He's dealing with something worse than MY H ... you are too actually.<P>Sorry. My situation doesn't even parallel you all.

Don't know how this will go over here, but some food for thought?<BR> <A HREF="http://www.upperroom.org/devotional/previous/1999/December/12_7_1999.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.upperroom.org/devotional/previous/1999/December/12_7_1999.html</A> <P>Just to clarify my purpose, <P>Each of us has our own understanding of our own God or "Higher Power" and each of us has our own understanding what that God wants or "expects" from us... that said, I think this can apply to anyone of any faith. <p>[This message has been edited by yy (edited December 09, 1999).]

Thanks, yy. I understand it perfectly.<P>What I've been waiting on (and praying for) is for God to change my heart. I cannot do it. Even the Bible says that. Only God can change a heart. I'm willing .... and I've told Him that over and over. <P>I've been waiting for a miracle that everyone tells me will come. All my friends have said, "God's gonna bless you for staying in the marriage."<P>And I'm waiting .............<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Maya (edited December 09, 1999).]

Maya,<P>If that is truly what you want... for God to change your heart, then he will... when you let Him. Somewhere inside you there must still be some doubt or resistence, or a feeling of unworthiness?<P>If this is what you want, then "Act as if"... not just pretend... Look at your H when he's not looking and find just one thing that you can admire about him, and focus on that... start small... open your heart just a little and then let God do his work... if that is what you truly want.

Maya, don't you think God has better things to do than micromanage people's lives? Maybe today is His golf day and all you'll get is the service.<P>My own opinion, worthless as it may be, is that YOU have to be an active participant in your own healing. If opening your heart to God helps you do that, fine. But you are not a passive bystander. God gave you free will; and you can exercise it how you like.<P>

Oh what a strange thing this "feeling love" is. We both applaud it as a fantastic thing when it leads to marriage, and condemn it as a shallow, false feeling when it leads to an affair.<P>Well, seems to me we're all 'wired' (designed by God, if you prefer) with a strong need to feel in love, shallow or not. Good thing for the species, eh? But I don't think we can't CHOOSE to feel in love--we're at the mercy of another for that. When the actions and words that sustain the feeling diminish, the need for that feeling doesn't go away.<P>It just gets buried alive.<P>Oooops. I MEANT to say I don't think we CAN choose to feel in love. We can choose to keep someone's account open that's in the red. But only that person can make deposits to their own account in our lovebank. Therefore, you cannot WILL yourself to feel in love with anyone.<P>But you CAN will yourself to love (verb) someone you don't love (feeling).<BR><p>[This message has been edited by Doug (edited December 09, 1999).]

Huh?

How does the Lord talk to us? Maya, perhaps this forum is the way God is speaking to you. I KNOW it has been a Godsend to me. I truly feel He led me here for a purpose. Whether it is to save my marriage or not, I don't know. But I do know I have helped at least one person here. You're just waiting for your heart to change but people are telling you how you can work on it.<P>Put your trust in God, your husband and yourself in that order.

Hey Doug, <P>I think the "wires got crossed" in my H's case, he won't acknowledge the need to love or be loved... thinks it's all psycho-babble.<P>Then there's me... I still feel (or try to, or need to?) "in love" with him (don't like him much lately though) with no input what-so-ever... kind of self-destructive.<P>So now, I'm trying to decide what it is I truly want, so that I can act on that. We CAN all choose for ourselves, we just can't choose for others.

Debated, debated, debated on whether to say this last thing and evidently the saying it side won...<P>You say you've been praying for a year for God to change your heart? Why? Perhaps He doesn't want your heart to change. Perhaps He has something different for you, or your H. Maybe, maybe not. Instead of praying for a change, pray for His will. We all say that's what we want, His will, but then why do we pray and ask for our own specific wants? Why not pray and ask the Lord for whatever it is that He has for us? Perhaps pray for guidance.<P>That said, and assuming you understand what I'm saying about giving it to God, then the rest is up to you. While you are patiently waiting to find out God's will, it will happen right on time by the way, take an active part in your current situation. If you believe you should be with your H, then take an active part in restoring that, because if it is not God's will for you to be together, then you won't be, no matter what you do. So why not try?<P>I hope you find what you are looking for Maya. I hope you find what He has put out there for you. Whatever that may be. <P>God Bless<P>------------------<BR>1Co:2:4: And my speech and my preaching was not with enticing words of man's wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power:<BR>1Co:2:5: That your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God.<P>

Maya, I'm not following this, and I like your "huh"? We can pray for God to change our hearts, and I believe this will help us be open to loving another person. BUT, if Harley's stuff means anything - he explains that this love comes from your h meeting your needs and filling your love bank. You can't conjure up feelings yourself. Although I was the betrayed, the feelings have returned very quickly. He has been slower, but I've been working steadily to NOT hit him with anger and stay on the plan to meet his needs. We are reconnecting. He had to let go of all that was in the way, but I have to fill his love bank. So I don't follow those who would make you feel guilty for not having the right feelings. Are you both in counseling together? Does he understand, unfair as it seems (I'm there too), that he has to win your love back?? As I said, I'm not following the logic in this thread. Thanks for calling professorg on his comments. I've ignored a few myself.

Funny you should mention praying for His Will .... let me relate a story.<P>My H, after having his name in for over a year (thru his cousin) he now has a job interview at a major car plant. Great money, great benefits, etc. etc.<P>He says to me the night b/4 the interview (which he was nervous about--don't know why). What do you think about this job?<P>I said, "Well, I've learned over the years not to get to excited about anything because stuff usually doesn't pan out for us. If it's God's will, you'll get it."<P>Then I'm thinking on the way to work the next day, why do we even pray for specific things? Why isn't all our prayers just "God do You Will in me today" and leave it at that.<P>So I didn't pray for H to get the job, just that God's will is done.<P>I'm not stupid. God's will IS that my marriage stay together. That's why I stayed initially. Scared of God's wrath if I went against His will. So I sit here in the middle of God's will, scared to make a move. <P>How's that for hope? Do I think God wants me to feel this way? No. But from what I surmise from obeying God ... I have to stay here ... whether the feelings EVER return or not.<P>Gotta stop. I can't see the screen for the tears that are forming.

schizzo,<P>There's a flip side to Harley's principle's though, I think... you can do everything in your powers to meet your spouse's needs and fill their love banks.... but if they don't want to love you the way you need to be loved, there's nothing you can do to make that happen, nothing. In the end, you can only control your own actions... not feelings, just actions and really, you have no right to try to control someone else's actions or feelings. Oddly enough, when you back off and start taking care of yourself, and focus your energy in other ways, you feel better anyway.<P>On the other hand, Maya is trying so hard to <BR>to generate "the right" feelings within herself... sometimes, all the "trying" gets in the way... when we change our focus to something else, it lets God in other ways.<P>I lost my train of thought, does anyone see what I'm trying to say... I think we're all pretty much saying the same thing in one way or anther.

My $.02...<P>Love is <B>not</B> a feeling, it is choice to seek the good of others (like your spouse). Infatuation is a feeling. This, I think, is what leads to so many affairs. Marriage vows are not based on feelings of love, but on the <B>commitment</B> to love.<P>A long term marriage tends to be heavy on emotional baggage, and light on spousal infatuation. The giddy feelings of infatuation are like a drug to someone who hasn't felt them for so long. When the choice is between the hard work of rebuilding a marriage and the easy availability of that next "hit" of the infatuation drug... it is a crisis in the making.<P>Maya sounds very much like my W, just sitting around waiting for the miracle to descend and rekindle her feelings for me (after her EA). She won't spend "couple time" with me - (you know, dates, playing games together, going away for a weekend) because the "feelings" of love do not currently exist. Well, how do you think they were created in the first place? They didn't just appear.<P>For us betrayed who see the spouse not actively participating in the rebuilding process it is insult added to injury. <P>My strategy is to try to create the envirnment that I <B>want</B> to exist by trying to behave as if it does. So far, no luck, but I am going to keep trying while W sits and waits for the miracle. <P>So perhaps out of my own frustration, I would suggest to Maya to DO something. Don't fake your feelings, just try to create the fertile environment where love can grow again.<p>[This message has been edited by 2sad4words (edited December 09, 1999).]