Hi Eric,<BR> Yours was a great reply and filled with so much wisdom.....I am at the point you are now, I cannot "make" my H feel a certain way towards me, and I alone am responsible for my happiness. This has been a very freeing revelation to me. Quick story, my H had 11/2 yr.affair and then 6 more mos. of plan A and Plan B , then he came back for good after 2 wks of Plan B. We have moved to get away from OW and to sart fresh and he has been withdrawn and depressed. There is nothing I can do to "meet his needs" and cause him to feel romantic love for me. I was so sure that moving etc. would be the cure. Now, I am in strange place but oddly feel at peace , I cannot control him and whatever his "feelings"etc are. I have decided to be happy here and my mood has lifted. Thank you for your insights.....Lu

Lu and Eric32 (or anyone)-<BR>I just bought The Path to Love : Renewing the Power of Spirit in Your Life by Deepak C. on cassette to listen in my car on my long $@% commute to work. <BR>I'm hoping it will give me some peace. It might be a good book to purchase for yourself.

Another good book: The Road Less Traveled by Scott Peck.

Holly and Tamis,<P>My wife knew the OM peripherally thru work (she deals with him), but did not know him well until JUNE 23, when a planned after work gathering with coworkers including the OM turned into just her and him. Her big mistake was staying and talking for 5 hours to him. He met her needs which I was not meeting (not sure if either one of us fully realized it up until then). The conversation and affection? was probably there right away. She told me about these "feelings" two days later. She said they floored her and that the attraction/spark had been dormant in her and did not think she could feel that way. Well, they sneaked around for 3 weeks (i knew but i was giving her space and trust). She then wanted to separate to "sort things out". She moved out on Aug 16 after being in the house for 4 weeks under 'separation' and me figuring out her intense emotional attachment to the OM. Today is the 9 week mark from first contact. After reading the articles and book from Dr Harley, I knew her wanting to move out was really for seeing the OM. Sure enough I confirmed she jumped right into it last week (overnights and all). We have agreed to joint-parent our daughter each getting half-time during week and every other weekend. I had planned to move into PLAN B but Dr. Chalmers encouraged me to stick with PLAN A for awhile longer. We have conversations still, but they def seem like "just friends", cuz I know (i'm sure she knows I know) she has her lover meeting those other needs at this time and the affair is in full blown passion/love? I am sticking to the plans though because I believe in saving my marriage and my family. I know it will take time, but I am in for the long haul. I now realize the needs were not being met on each other's parts, but with a plan we can rebuild our marriage, if we both want to try. <BR>That would require total separation from the OM and I know that will be hard. But, I am willing to move if it comes to that. Interesting our relationship had never been a problem (as far as conflict/fights), but we did not sustain the romantic love like a married couple should do and work at it. We had fallen to the level of "best friends" and my wife probably feels like she could just leave me at that level now. Though I still have enough love for her in my bank to want more, and I hope I get the chance to redeposit into her love bank to reach that level. Do either of your expect that at this stage/time in her life she would be affected by this website or by a copy of the book Surviving and affair? I want to lead her to these items, but not sure if she would be offended or pull away more?

HI Holly and Trying Again, <BR> Thanks for the book suggestions....I'm a self help book junkie. One book that was so helpful to me was "Private Lies" by Frank Pittman.(about infidelity)....it helped me to be more objective about my H and to not take things so personal(very hard to do!!!) thanks....Lu

Izzy --<BR>I started reading Surviving the Affair when I was still in MAJOR withdrawl...still desperately wanting to be with OM. Although I was trying to deny some of the things written in the book I have to say I could have written the book myself word for word. Your wife may come to find that she is a "text book" case as I was. Once she realizes this she may decide that what she's feeling for the OM she could get from you one day. It may be difficult for her to comprehend at this point...but it's worth a try. I would buy the book for her, but don't push her to read it. You could also email her some posts that you may find pertinant to your situation.<P>My husband and I had lost any sort of romantic relationship as well...I'm working on getting that back, but he seems to be happy with the way things are.<BR>My H has a difficult time showing his feelings, so when he seemed to not care that I wanted to leave him it made it more difficult for me to decide to stay...I felt he didn't care if I left or not. Try and show your wife (in a non love-busting way) how hurt you would be if she left you and how much you love her.

Hi guys,<P>Unfortunately, I have gotten to this point not because of simply am "OM" problem. Let me explain. My W had an affair of the one-nite stand variety. She has since had a different boyfriend from that guy, and has now begun with a second BF. This in the span of the last 7 months. Never a word of working us out. She just wants out. Not away from me especially (has said so), but doesn't want to be married anymore. Try explaining that to our 2 & 4 year old. <P>Eric32

Holly,<P>Well, you have given me some hope. I have always been willing to show my emotions and very willing to work on anything to meet her needs. It is actually just recently that I have discovered I was doing most of it wrong, and not meeting the conversation/affection needs appropriately for both of us. We just kinda had been coasting and neither of us talked about her unhappiness (not sure if she really realized it). It sounds like I just have to wait for my opportunity if I get one.