Hoping<BR>I was thinking of you a couple of days ago and here is your post! ESP?<P>I think my H's affair died a natural death. As far as time frames go ....it depends how you look at it. <P>I do want to say that I agree with you about the lies. They really seem to think that the lies are some insane type of protection. Protecting us? protecting them? a little of both? <P>It is very hard to hear lie after lie for months or years on end...then try to figure out what is true. I have gotten to the point that when I start to wonder about something I just throw my hands in the air and say "I really just don't care!" <P>Do they even know what the truth is anymore? When you tell a lie often enough maybe it becomes the truth in the mind.<P>I really believe though...that eventually the OW can become a thing of the past. My H tells me now that when I talk to him about my pain, he doesn't think of her...just how bad he screwed up. <BR>Considering she was such a big part of his life for so many years...I think that is a big accomplishment. Now if I could just forget she exists. <BR>Hang in there Hoping...and take care of yourself. <P><P>------------------<BR>wassi

Lor, I don't think it was so much that I didnt' take your advice, I didn't want to believe some of the things you were pointing out to me. I guess I wanted to believe my h was different, that he wouldn't lie to me any more. For example you once told me that when he moved into his apt, it more than likely involved ow. I didn't want to believe that as he swore to me that it had nothing to do with her, it had to do with us. But you were right, she was still around, I saw it with my own eyes. <P>I'm trying very hard not to lb which includes asking about when/if he is moving home. The safety net sounds very logical. He spends most of his time with us or at work. His actions lately have made sense to me and when he hasn't been with us his whereabouts are believable. I can understand why he may not want to give up the apartment. Just as you said, he is not sure of himself, me or our marriage. What does not make sense to me is this, he'll be here until 10PM and then leave for his apt. He sometimes has clothes here that he can wear to work and work is only 10 minutes from home. The apt is 1/2 an hour from work. It just seems that sometimes it would be more convenient for him to stay here than drive all the way back there to sleep and all the way back the next morning for work. He uses the excuse of his medication all the time. He has to take medication every morning and evening due to his surgery two years ago. It is not that difficult to keep a supply of medication here but he doesn't. I see that as a safety net too. <P>I don't know what he is afraid of. I think he wants the marriage to work but is scared. He worked at the same job for 10 years. There were several job openings in different cities a couple months ago and some were closer to his apt than here but he only applied to the one close to home. That surprised me. He could have easily applied for some of the others and been closer to ow and his apt. <P>He can't be scared of intimacy because there is none. The most I get is a kiss goodbye when he leaves at night initiated by him. I do not initiate any type of intimacy as in the past it has been rejected so many times that I literally can not and haven't tried in years. <P>Like you said before, felt among friends and started to ramble.<P>Wasstubborn, How nice that you were thinking of me. I think about many people on this board often and wonder how they are doing.<P>I don't post alot as I don't have a lot of confidence in my advice yet. Since my own situation has not been resolved I don't feel comfortable telling someone what will work and what wont.<P>I hope things are going well with you. You can always email me if you like cwalker842@aol.com.<P>Thanks everyone else for all the replies.<P>Chris

Lor, I'm interested in what Guard said would make him want to come back.<P>I'm still at a loss re: my H. The issues that struck close to home are that he felt trapped.... by the marraige and the kids... to me, meaning that he felt too much responsibility and wanted to do "his own thing".... (the MLC stuff)<P>He has said to others that he was unhappy and needed to change everything in his life.. which to me, means that he is still searching. <P>Unfortunately, the affair and the fog also played a big part. And even more unfortunate he didn't really change his life but made it more complicated. <P>Hopeful, how about your H. Is he still searching? It sounds like he comes over a lot. My H is beginning to come over a lot now also to see the kids. I see some small glimpses of his former self. It is actually refreshing. <P>But I still can't talk to him about anything. We have a delicate situation here. <P>I sometimes wonder if there is not much else we can do but try to live our own lives the best we can. Making changes for ourselves so that our own lives are complete. <P>But I think that I've detached so much these past couple of months that I am almost numb to feeling anything.<P>I also think that even when the ":fantasy" bursts...there is a length of time be it for withdrawal, or just awakening from the fog, that they don't feel anything themselves.

TT,<BR>My H has been home since May...the longest period since Aug 98. He's no longer searching on his own. He's a partner with me trying to figure out how we can resolve our problems, let the past settle, and have what he calls "a beautiful life" together.<P>I think at first what kept him moving in and out was the affair & wanting the fun she represented. But then it got to be not such great fun, he'd miss me & the kids...move home. Then start longing for her & move out. Repeat 6 times. Eventually she dropped out, started dating the guy Guard lived with when he wasn't home. That also made that living arrangement not good.<P>Then Guard dealt with the realization of everything he had done and realized where he belonged--home with me and his children. By that time (Jan-Feb 00) I was done. Obviously I reconsidered (Apr-May) and although not problem free, we're working together with God's healing. Those 2 things make all the difference.<P>Since what I did for the first 18 months is really no different than what Hoping is & has done and I can't advise her to quit and she finds Plan B to be misery--as I did--I have no solutions, just the fact that somehow my H is the man he was, only wiser & better.