LiL,<P>At the risk of starting a debate, I will only say you may feel this way about him, but he only sees actions. You basically chose OM over him as you said. He has proven to be a much deeper man than you thought and so you are conflicted, but you have not chosen him as yet. In fact, my guess is that he feels that he is still in the game only by virtue of being married to him. He is doing his best, but it isn't clear that is good enough.<P>Very discouraging LiL.<P>You said yourself, you were gone. You had made the choice, and your H lost. He was not as attractive to you as OM. So while you may be thinking he is an incredible man and very attractive, your actions to date don't support that. If it was really true, you would not be working on making a decision about saving your marriage. The decision would have already been made.<P>You see, that is why so many people here get confused with your posts. Most of your post just now, sounded like you are in recovery. However, you haven't decided on which man to recover with yet. It is confusing to those of us with such sage advice . <P>Keep posting Lil, we, the readers, will eventually understand this better and be able to give you good advice. Until then hang with us as we learn.<P>God Bless,<P>JL

LIL, SS4N, All<P>I don't know why I started lurking on this thread, but oh well, here I am, I'm hooked. I know that I have posted to you both before, heck, I think I've posted to everyone here at one time or another. . .<P>I cried reading this whole thread, because to me, I'm reading a true love story. . .The bottom line, at least as I read it, and correct me if I'm wrong, you both love each other - don't put a tag on it, don't stereotype it, you love each other. . .<P>LIL - I think you may know that I, too, am a WS, so I know - to some extent what you are going through. . .yea, I feel illogical at times, confused at other times. . .The one thing that has given me focus through those times of confusion have been my H.<P>I won't go into, she's doing this, he's doing that, and the debate over what's right, what's wrong, what's fair, what's unfair. . .You love each other, to some degree. . .don't quantify it. . .Grab a hold of it. . .don't let that go. . .<P>Past actions are past actions. . .you cannot change them. . .but starting today, you can make changes. . .if you want to. . .and sometimes fear of the unknown prevents us from taking action. . .right or wrong. . .something needs to be done, you both know it. . .I guess my thing is. . .our time here is very limited. . .you make the most of what you have. . .I think you both could do some things to at least try to get on the path to recovery. . .<P>There are no gaurantees in life, sometimes, you have to take a leap of faith, do something not because it "feels" right, but because it is the right thing to do. . .<P>You both mention about trying to work things out. . .LIL - you're unsure. SS4N, you have tried and are losing hope. But the point is, you can change all that today. . .LIL - why not give your H a year. . .move back home, end the A. . .try to really work on your marriage. . .SS4N - well, yes, he met someone who was fulfilling his needs for a little while, but he loves and wants you. . .from his message on this site to you, you have to realize that. . .<P>I know things are cloudy in the fog, but someone is there guiding the way, have faith, take a chance that things can and will work out with your H. . .move back home and try. . .your H wants and needs you there.<P>You know when I told my H about the affair, I was still very unsure of my feelings,a nd I wrote him the following. . .it's kind of long, but maybe you'll read it anyway. . .<P><BR>"Dear H - When I was younger, my parents used to take us to the beach for vacation.<BR>I loved being out in the sun, swimming, and playing in the waves.<BR>But, one of my favorite things to do was to build sand castles.<BR>I would build these really elaborate castles, the kind that are tall with many rooms,<BR>even moats and secret entrances. I used to try and build the castle as tall as I could<BR>stand. But to build a really good sand castle, you had to get pretty close to the water,<BR>or the sand would not be moist enough to stick together.<P>So, I’d take my bucket down by the water, and I’d sit right in the sand<BR>building this elaborate sand castle. I would even get water and drizzle it <BR>around the castle walls to make the walls look like stucco. I would dig and<BR>build for hours. I would even ask my brother and the other kids on the beach to help me.<P>But, as far away from the water as I built my castle, inevitably the tide would <BR>come closer and closer. To prevent my castle from being swept away, I would<BR>even try to build trenches so that the water wouldn’t overpower the castle walls.<BR>As hard as I tried, I couldn’t stop the water from rushing in. Even with the help <BR>of my brother and my friends, I could never stop the tide and save my castle.<BR>As a kid, I guess this is pretty upsetting. But, I’d pick up my bucket, go home,<BR>and build another castle the next day.<P>I guess what I’m trying to tell you by this story is that I don’t want to stop<BR>building sand castles. I don’t want the bad times to overpower the good times.<BR>While sometimes I feel like the tide is rushing in so fast that I feel like<BR>I am the one being swept away, drowning, I promise not to stop trying to<BR>protect what we have together. I promise to try again, and build an even<BR>stronger castle tomorrow. I know I have a lot of things to work on, to build<BR>your trust, to build a new life together, but I’ll keep trying. Every time I see you,<BR>I see the tide rushing over my castle, and I know how badly I have failed you.<BR>But, I’ll keep building trenches - if you’ll help me."<P>I guess my point is I was willing to take action, to try not just by my words, but by my actions. . .Try building - together, the only thing you have to lose is each other, and aren't you already doing that. Take care, you're in my thoughts and prayers.<P><BR>