Deceived -<P>You are certainly not at fault with any <BR>of this!!!! You were DECEIVED as you so <BR>adequately recognized by choosing your <BR>user name......<P>Well, the betrayed spouses were deceived <BR>also, for the most part. No difference <BR>- pain is the same.....<P>You are not an OW - in the general <BR>sense. Don't even let that comparison <BR>enter your head. You did not know and <BR>therefore did not choose!! There is no <BR>need to give it thought let alone <BR>despair about it.....so stop that, will <BR>ya? <P>What makes you think that the wife doesn't know of his arrests? How could she not?<P>Not that it matters right now.... You have to make your safety and unattachment from him first priority.<P>Again, I am sorry that you are going through this....we know that it hurts.<BR>But you sound very strong and sure of who you are and what is tolerable for your own sense of morals and values. Good for you.....we all find ourselves in messes not of our making from time to time and the best we can do is learn from them......YOU ARE NOT stupid and you had every reason to trust!!! Now that you have been slammed with reasons not to trust - you are taking the steps necessary to get rid of the part of your life that is untrustworthy. YOU are doing well.....don't let this make you untrusting of all. Just learn from it - anger, revenge or fear of deception are not the things you want in the forefront of your future!!!<P>Now you just know to meet his family first!!! LOL!! See - learning!!!<BR>(don't mean to make light of your pain - just don't want you to lose any more to this guy!!! He's taken enough - don't let him have your spirit too!!! OK?)<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hanora:<BR><B>First protect yourself physically, change locks, live elsewhere for a while.<P>Second protect yourself financially, close account, move money, anything else that connects you.<P>Third break off contact through a third party, maybe your PI or a lawyer would write a letter including a few (but not all) juicy details.<BR>Keep some ammunition in reserve.<P>That ought to be enough to scare the sh*t out of him. I'd guess after that he be more than anxious to give you a wide berth. Later when you are calmer you can decide what you to do to benefit his wife and the army.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I think that his wife should be told. She may not know what he's doing. But I don't think you should risk yourself to do it. If you can, find another way to let her know. <P>Protect yourself. Take your reports to the police and tell them you fear for your safety. They have to protect you. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by deceived:<BR><B>hello<P>I don't know if this is the right place for me but i need advice desperately. I have been engaged to man since sept. I have suspected since xmas that he has been having an affair. I hired a PI and have found out that he is actually married. HE is in the military so has extensive excuses for being out of town weeks at a time on duty assignment. I didn't know he was married and would NEVER have even givenhim the time of day if I had. My dilema is he willbe returning in a week and I need to end this i want nothing todo with him. THe investigation also revealed that he is actively engaged in the sex industry pronography, sex clubs and sex parties. He has anarrest record regarding solicitation of sex and more. GOD can it get any more disgusting..... <P>My question is do I inform his wife annonamously and let her handle him. I belive now he may have been trying to end his marriage, to be with me. OR do I break it off.. This man carries a hand gun at all times.. I belive now he could be a real danger to me.. especially if he thinks he will lose me. <P>Do I confront him with the evidence via the Investigators report and copies of his criminal activities. Help plese all advice is welcome I really don't know what to do.. I say i may be in the wrong place because NO I DO NOT WANT TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP.. I want to get as far away from him as i posibbly can.. He has made comment to the fact that he would never let me leave him... HELPPPPPPPPPPPP!! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Deceived:<P>Worry about yourSELF first, your money second, and giving him his come-uppance LAST! Get yourself to a safe place before you take him down a peg. The last thing you want is for him to ruin you financially (or worse, physically) because you got too cute for your own good.<P>I don't think you owe him ANY kind of explanation. If you chose to never take another call from him and never see him again, then that's YOUR right.<P>I agree that letting his wife know for her own safety is a good idea, but verbal contact would be risky. I'd send her an anonymous letter with enough details to appear "authentic," but not so much that it could come back to bite you.<P>If you have to, get a lawyer to write the man a letter telling him that you wish NO further contact with him, and that if you have any of his stuff or if he MUST contact you for any reason, he should do so THROUGH your attorney. Have this done in WRITING by letter from the attorney, sent certified mail, return receipt requested. In the letter make sure the lawyer states that if he tries to contact you in person, by telephone, email, letter, or in ANY way other than through your attorney, you'll get a restraining order and have him arrested for stalking you.<P>If you're serious about keeping him away from you, make it as OFFICIAL as possible. I also agree that contacting the man's superiors at the military base would be a good idea.<P>Hope that helps you a little.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Thanks much to you all..<P>Yes will heed all advice. And I don't know what his wife may know.. It is possible she is aware of all.. SO hard to tell unless I made contact and no definetly not going to do that. <P>Bad weather today so locks and bank account will be taken care of tomorrow. <P>As far as No contact.. don't take calls etc. That may not be the solution... no explaination, although he may be smart enought to figure out he has been found out, that may not do anyhting more than get him more fixated on contact.. Hard to say but from what i have read here on MB.. it may well be that he will be relieved of his exposure and just leave well enough alone.. <P>I don't know if I want to put my hopes on that though.. I know him well enough to know that he is a military weapon and sees himself as a fighting killing machine, HE does not take kindly to being out smarted and he will assume that he was investigated.. professionally or otherwise he will figure it out..<P>His general demeanor is one of combativness.. But I think it best that when he does call/ or show up that I tell him I chose not to pursue this relationship with him.. IF he presses for a reason.. I will very nicely tell him because I am not an adulterer and do not wish his wife any harm, embarrasment or pain. <P>Nor do I wish to be involved with a married man,, The end no further explaination required. IF that is not enough to send him packing than I will utilize all of the other advice and ARSENAL that I have available to me..<P>Your prayers are appreciated... I don't think this is going to easy and I know it will most likely get ugly on his part.. I have seen him throw down some mean verbal [censored] Whippings in the time I have known him.<P>But yes all I will be strong.. The news is painful, shocking and yes sickening.. But the knowledge I have now puts me in control.. and no longer gives him control ... That much at least I do have on my side.<P>And for those of you on here that are plagued with sick twisted OW that knowingly and intentionally took what did not belong to them.. Please know that I do not fit in that category.. This conspiracy of his was not of my making .... I wish I had checked him out sooner..<P>The lesson I have learned... Your inner gut should always be trusted and listened to.. if I had done so I may have saved my self the last three months of his SICK Deception..<P>Thanks all<P>I will pray to be stronger and more clear headed tomorrow.. But all of you can trust and be sure that this relationship is over.... there is nothing in this worl or on this planet that would allow me to even give him 5 seconds of my time... The gate is closed and pad locked... And right now my spirit and my heart need time to heal<BR>

Hello deceived,<P>I'm very sorry you've had cause to find us, but I know there are a lot of good people here who would offer sincere help.<P>I'm another old-timer here. I've had a bit of life experience which may also be of help. Been married a long time, been thru affairs, have some military friends.<P>In reading your posts, it comes through loud and clear that you must be very, very careful. You certainly must protect yourself against contingencies. The advice you've received about banks, attorneys, authorities, etc is prudent. Same with security on your house. I vote for the same.<P>As for confrontation with him, I see danger for you. He sounds very macho, very controlling, almost pathological. This is a very volatile combination. Sounds like he's got such a crush on himself he could rationalize anything. Including hurting you.<P>My thoughts? Disengage. Put increasing distance in between he and you. For the moment, I would spend as little time as possible with him. And, make it in public places with others around. I also see danger in informing his wife, his superior officer, his peers, etc. Definitely DO NOT tell his wife right now.<P>He's got you right where he wants you....totally afraid. Yes, and you have cause to be. He sounds dangerous. So, do as much as you can QUIETLY and without confrontation to back out.<P>I do agree that you should give details to someone of higher authority for whom he has respect. The CIC is a reasonable choice.<P>Listen, keep this in perspective. He may be a major, he may even be an almost-colonel. If something embarrassing happened the mil brass wouldn't like it, for sure. But, he ain't no general officer.<P>As a major, he's expendable. Cold facts of life. They'd smoke him if they had to. And, he's NOT of the elite. It's West Point or nothing. <P>I think Bill's right. Find someone off-base who has honor and respect for the tradition of the officer corps. Unfortunately, you ran into the worst example of what an officer can be...one who appears to have NO respect for humanity. If he's found out by the REAL officers, he's toast.<P>Just be careful.<P>ps...cleaning up typos...also thinking of my own experience. I can count 5 high school buddies who went to West Point, Annapolis, or the Air Force Academy. ALL are still in the service, all mid-40s, all very fine people. THEY are great examples of professional army. The guy you met is a disgrace. But a very dangerous one.<p>[This message has been edited by DuncanMac (edited January 25, 2000).]

decieved,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>His general demeanor is one of combativness.. But I think it best that when he does call/ or show up that I tell him I chose not to pursue this relationship with him.. IF he presses for a reason.. I will very nicely tell him because I am not an adulterer and do not wish his wife any harm, embarrasment or pain. <P>Nor do I wish to be involved with a married man,, The end no further explaination required. IF that is not enough to send him packing than I will utilize all of the other advice and ARSENAL that I have available to me..<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Be very careful...<P>Dmac is very right as to the dangerous possibilities this has for you...<P>Take good care,<P>Bill<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>