hello<P>I don't know if this is the right place for me but i need advice desperately. I have been engaged to man since sept. I have suspected since xmas that he has been having an affair. I hired a PI and have found out that he is actually married. HE is in the military so has extensive excuses for being out of town weeks at a time on duty assignment. I didn't know he was married and would NEVER have even givenhim the time of day if I had. My dilema is he willbe returning in a week and I need to end this i want nothing todo with him. THe investigation also revealed that he is actively engaged in the sex industry pronography, sex clubs and sex parties. He has anarrest record regarding solicitation of sex and more. GOD can it get any more disgusting..... <P>My question is do I inform his wife annonamously and let her handle him. I belive now he may have been trying to end his marriage, to be with me. OR do I break it off.. This man carries a hand gun at all times.. I belive now he could be a real danger to me.. especially if he thinks he will lose me. <P>Do I confront him with the evidence via the Investigators report and copies of his criminal activities. Help plese all advice is welcome I really don't know what to do.. I say i may be in the wrong place because NO I DO NOT WANT TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP.. I want to get as far away from him as i posibbly can.. He has made comment to the fact that he would never let me leave him... HELPPPPPPPPPPPP!!

You aren't in the wrong place because you aren't building a marriage. You are right to want out. This man has deceived you terribly, why would you want a future with him?<P>I don't know what advice to give you about your evidence. He sounds dangerous. The best way to end things is to end all contact.<P>Best wishes<P>------------------<BR>Lor<BR>"Do not get tired of doing what is right, for after awhile you will reap a harvest of blessings if you do not get discouraged and give up. (Gal 6:9)

Lor <P>Would love to end all contact... but he has acess to my home my life bank account etc.. <BR>What should i do... just disapear.. have police at my house waiting to escort him off what?????<P>If his wife knows than what .. she may want to do some damage of her own..<P>Men can really be sick and i do mean really sick

If the man is dangerous, break off the engagement. Simply tell him that you know about his wife, his involvement in the sex trade, and feel for your own health you have to end the relationship.<P>If he threatens you, don't tolerate it. You have the means to protect yourself if need be. You can turn all this information over to the military police. They are intolerant of bigamists and of persons besmirching the reputation of the US military, and I'm sure they would not look too kindly upon his unbecoming behaviour and activities. In fact I'm pretty sure most of his activities are illegal under military law.<P>I believe that in fact you should turn all this information over to the military police, and definitely MOVE someplace where he can't find you, if even for a few weeks. The MP will take care of this individual and once charges are up against him getting a restraining order will be no problem.<P>I think that you need to break the relationship off over the phone. Don't do it in person if you fear for your safety. Considering his record, you should move to another place (if possible) for a few weeks so that he can't find you if he wants to hurt you. A restraining order is also a good idea - considering his record and what you've found out about him, I'm sure you'll have no problems getting one.<P>I wish you the best... Sounds like a hairy situation. <P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Elixer:<P>How do I get in touch with the military police? HE is a high ranking officer... and he has power... I am in the NY area... What contacts should i attempt to make ?

decieved,<P>Fort Drumm?<P>Yes you need to get away from this man.<P>Contact the base commander..his CO willprobably try to cover for him.<P>Maybe not the base comander but some high ranking officer in CIC.<P>This man is a disgrase to the officer corps of our fine military.<P>The specific charge I can think of: Conduct unbecoming of an officer and a GENTLEMAN.<P>Keep us posted.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Decieved,<P>Elixer gave you some good advice. get a hold of the military police. This man sound dangerous. He probably is more threatened by the MP's then local police. <P>If you can, go stay with some relatives for a while. You may want to get a restraining order as well.<P>Do not mak an attempt to see this man in person. Who knows what he might do.<P>Good Lucka nd God Bless.

william J:<P>I am in NY he is based out of NJ.. I don't know what CIC means. Also I have tried to do anengine search on Military police but have had no luck...<P>Thank you for your response

deceived:<P>Close your bank account and open a new one at another bank. Change the locks on your door at home, and take any other precautions to keep him away from you. The FIRST time he contacts you against your wishes, file a complaint with the police, and if he gets physical at all (even if he just grabs you by the shoulders or reaches out to touch you), start working on getting a restraining order.<P>The most IMPORTANT thing, however, is to cut off his access to your home and finances. Once he can't ruin you by taking your money or ransacking your home, THEN get to work on the other areas of your life to which he has access.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Take WilliamJ's advice and contact the Base Commander. That should be the person with whom you talk with first and last. His CO will likely, as WilliamJ wrote, try to cover for him or warn him (neither of which you want to happen).<P>Whatever happens, keep a copy of all this information for your own personal records! You don't want this getting swept under the rug!<P>------------------<BR>~~ Elixir ~~<P>

Thank you to all that replied..<P>But don't you think that if I turn him into MP that this will further enrage him... Sure I would like nothing more than for him to feel some humiliation and embarrasement for his actions but do I do that at the cost of my own safety?

decieved,<P>CIC: counter intellegence corps<P>kinda like the Army's FBI<P>If you go to the MP's talk to their CO<P>Lone Star's advice should be heeded today.<P>If you can't get the base commander try and talk to his aide de' campe,<BR>they are the eyes and ears of Generals...<P>I'd feel him out a little before you make ant direct accusations..ya know ask if he knows you soon te be ex SO.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Folks I again I question the wisdom of enraging him further... Is it the opinion of this forum that I should do what ever means required to take him down in regard to his career????<P>He is the rank of major... and has obviouse influence since each of his arrest records show that the charges were dismissed... <P>He knows the law and im sure knows ways around this situation.. hey he fooled me for a year and a half...

Oh I am so glad that you found out the truth.<P>by all means, protect yourself financially, and legally - get a restraining order if you need one.<P>And, get yourself tested! If he is so active sexually - make sure you get yourself tested! And, because his wife may be at risk also - I would inform her - safely.<P>Good luck. I wish there were more people like you that make a decision based on facts and logic.<P>My question: What made you decide to hire a PI? Something wasn't right - and you couldn't put your finger on it? Good for you for having the truth.<P>tnt

decieved,<P>The decision is ultimaly yours to make.<P>This man from youe description, IMHO does not deserve the the rank of Major let alone privaten.<P>From your descrption he is a predator and does not belong in the officer corps of the US Army. If the other charges have been dismissed he obviously has friends.<P>Is he a graduate from a military trade school ie. West Point. VMI, the Citadel ect.<P>part of the code of conduct is the Gentleman aspect.. Any military officer I have know worth their salt, looked at the gentleman aspcet as being as important as the officer aspect if not more.<P>Again this is <B>my</B> opinion.<P>The decision is ultimately yours.<P>Bill<P>PS Do take Lone Stars advice...<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:41 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

HE IS A GRADUATE OF CITADEL, WITH A MASTERS IN PSYCHOLOGY AND SOON TO BE PROMOTED TO LUETENANT COLNELL? SPELLING?<P><BR>i HAVE A BIG DECISION TO MAKE AND NOT MUCH TIME TO MAKE IT IN. i FEEL BADLY FOR HIS WIFE AND DON'T WISH TO HAVE HER AFTER ME. sO I GUESS TELLING HER IS OUT OF THE QUESTION..<P>BUT i DO THINK HE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN A DOWN A PEG...<P><BR>i AM NOW GETTING REALLY ANGRY,,,,, tHIS MAN IS A LOW LIFE ...<P>THANKS ALL FOR THE RESPONSES<P>

HANORA <P>That good advice. the PI also handles personal/private security. I could ask that they intercede and let him know what I know may be leave out married part and just talk about the arrest history. <P>that way if he doesn't back off and stay the heck away from me.. I can threaten to have his wife informed of (what is now unfortunately termed as his affair), but also if she is unaware of his Activities in sex industry that may also be leverage he doesn't want her to know. <P>Thank you for the good advise.. I thin kgetting his CO and the military involved may not be enough to cause him discomfort, but both together might really snap him to attention<BR>

Hi Deceived -<P>First, I want to say how sorry I am that this has happened to you....how awful.<BR>It is a sick, sick world that we sometimes find ourselves in, isn't it?<P>Next I would think that the first steps are what Lone Star suggests.....change bank accounts and locks (and anything else that he would have access to.) DO THIS NOW!!!!<P>Then I would have a telephone conversation with him....and I, personally, would record it!!! Tell him that you are aware of his deceptions and have chosen to disengage yourself from such a world......PERIOD!!! Don't let him draw you into any "talk"....there is nothing you have to say or hear to or from this person. If you let him....he will convince you that the world is flat!!! DON'T GO THERE!!! Make your statement - tell him that you want NO CONTACT with him ever again and then hang up!!! Send back the ring - if necessary and any other "things" that are his.....<P>Hold onto ALL the PI information and make sure that a respected person has knowledge of all that you have discovered - would be good if they were available to witness the phone conversation also.<P>The only reason to go to the Base Commander would be if he disregards your wishes and gets nasty.....then DO NOT HESITATE!!! That means that you should find out the Commander's name, phone number and address to have at the ready - should it be needed. AT this same time you should make a police report also....<P>As far as letting his wife know...well, that is a tough and personal decision. Does he have kids (sorry, I forgot if you said so or not!) - with kids - I would be inclined to make someone aware of what this man is like.....<P>Have you met or corresponded with any family member of his? Probably not, huh?<P>I hope that this helps some.....I agree that you don't want to antagonize him.<BR>But you HAVE to break this cleanly and decisively.....No listening to excuses and forget hearing that he was going to do this or that because he "really loves" you!!! That's BS cuz this "man" has no idea what love is.....and you aren't the one to be showing him, either!!!<P>Good Luck and I will keep you in my prayers (along with his wife and family). Let us know how things go.<P>BIG HUGS and STRENGTH,<P>Sheba <BR>

Sheba:<P>Thank you.. your words were comforting.. I know I amnot an injured spouse like many f you, and I unfortunatley have the added disgust that he made me " the other woman with out me even knowing about it" I have never and would never ever consider doing anything with a married man... <P>But it would appear that his intent to deceive lasted a very good amount of time, it was the holidays that made me suspicious. Funny how he could be home for the holiday, but strangely unavailabe to do anything with either my family or his.. And suddenly his mom died.. but he was " too emotional to have me at the funeral " Yes These are the things that made me have him investigated.. I found out also yes that he does have two boys early teens living at home... He apparently used his mothers illnessas a reson to escape wife to be with me.. At least that would be my guess, since he used that on me when he would be in town and couldn't spend time with me...<P>IT is a very sick world... and right now all i can think of is HIV testing, and how todeal with the incredible sharade he has orchestrated over such a long period of time.. I guess unlike others here. I don't want toknow why.. nor do I want an explaination.. In my mind there is nothing that could possibly justify his abhorent behavior..<P>I feel truly sickened for my unknowing participation in this hideous wrong that he hs commited against me and his wife/family..<P>Part of me wants her to know about his arrests.. He was arrested for solicitation of prostittution and conducting sex, swing parties for money.. apparently he advertises on the internet for his clients.<P>How disgusting... I have vomited several times today.... <P>Thanks to all for the support.. I will take this in proper perspective and stop blaming myself for being so stuiped and trusting... and i need to find a way to vent my anger and hatetred that I feel towards him right now..<P>Thankyou all I will keep you folks posted...

Deceived -<P>You are certainly not at fault with any <BR>of this!!!! You were DECEIVED as you so <BR>adequately recognized by choosing your <BR>user name......<P>Well, the betrayed spouses were deceived <BR>also, for the most part. No difference <BR>- pain is the same.....<P>You are not an OW - in the general <BR>sense. Don't even let that comparison <BR>enter your head. You did not know and <BR>therefore did not choose!! There is no <BR>need to give it thought let alone <BR>despair about it.....so stop that, will <BR>ya? <P>What makes you think that the wife doesn't know of his arrests? How could she not?<P>Not that it matters right now.... You have to make your safety and unattachment from him first priority.<P>Again, I am sorry that you are going through this....we know that it hurts.<BR>But you sound very strong and sure of who you are and what is tolerable for your own sense of morals and values. Good for you.....we all find ourselves in messes not of our making from time to time and the best we can do is learn from them......YOU ARE NOT stupid and you had every reason to trust!!! Now that you have been slammed with reasons not to trust - you are taking the steps necessary to get rid of the part of your life that is untrustworthy. YOU are doing well.....don't let this make you untrusting of all. Just learn from it - anger, revenge or fear of deception are not the things you want in the forefront of your future!!!<P>Now you just know to meet his family first!!! LOL!! See - learning!!!<BR>(don't mean to make light of your pain - just don't want you to lose any more to this guy!!! He's taken enough - don't let him have your spirit too!!! OK?)<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by hanora:<BR><B>First protect yourself physically, change locks, live elsewhere for a while.<P>Second protect yourself financially, close account, move money, anything else that connects you.<P>Third break off contact through a third party, maybe your PI or a lawyer would write a letter including a few (but not all) juicy details.<BR>Keep some ammunition in reserve.<P>That ought to be enough to scare the sh*t out of him. I'd guess after that he be more than anxious to give you a wide berth. Later when you are calmer you can decide what you to do to benefit his wife and the army.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

I think that his wife should be told. She may not know what he's doing. But I don't think you should risk yourself to do it. If you can, find another way to let her know. <P>Protect yourself. Take your reports to the police and tell them you fear for your safety. They have to protect you. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by deceived:<BR><B>hello<P>I don't know if this is the right place for me but i need advice desperately. I have been engaged to man since sept. I have suspected since xmas that he has been having an affair. I hired a PI and have found out that he is actually married. HE is in the military so has extensive excuses for being out of town weeks at a time on duty assignment. I didn't know he was married and would NEVER have even givenhim the time of day if I had. My dilema is he willbe returning in a week and I need to end this i want nothing todo with him. THe investigation also revealed that he is actively engaged in the sex industry pronography, sex clubs and sex parties. He has anarrest record regarding solicitation of sex and more. GOD can it get any more disgusting..... <P>My question is do I inform his wife annonamously and let her handle him. I belive now he may have been trying to end his marriage, to be with me. OR do I break it off.. This man carries a hand gun at all times.. I belive now he could be a real danger to me.. especially if he thinks he will lose me. <P>Do I confront him with the evidence via the Investigators report and copies of his criminal activities. Help plese all advice is welcome I really don't know what to do.. I say i may be in the wrong place because NO I DO NOT WANT TO SAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP.. I want to get as far away from him as i posibbly can.. He has made comment to the fact that he would never let me leave him... HELPPPPPPPPPPPP!! </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>

Deceived:<P>Worry about yourSELF first, your money second, and giving him his come-uppance LAST! Get yourself to a safe place before you take him down a peg. The last thing you want is for him to ruin you financially (or worse, physically) because you got too cute for your own good.<P>I don't think you owe him ANY kind of explanation. If you chose to never take another call from him and never see him again, then that's YOUR right.<P>I agree that letting his wife know for her own safety is a good idea, but verbal contact would be risky. I'd send her an anonymous letter with enough details to appear "authentic," but not so much that it could come back to bite you.<P>If you have to, get a lawyer to write the man a letter telling him that you wish NO further contact with him, and that if you have any of his stuff or if he MUST contact you for any reason, he should do so THROUGH your attorney. Have this done in WRITING by letter from the attorney, sent certified mail, return receipt requested. In the letter make sure the lawyer states that if he tries to contact you in person, by telephone, email, letter, or in ANY way other than through your attorney, you'll get a restraining order and have him arrested for stalking you.<P>If you're serious about keeping him away from you, make it as OFFICIAL as possible. I also agree that contacting the man's superiors at the military base would be a good idea.<P>Hope that helps you a little.<P>------------------<BR>/// Lone Star * ///<P>

Thanks much to you all..<P>Yes will heed all advice. And I don't know what his wife may know.. It is possible she is aware of all.. SO hard to tell unless I made contact and no definetly not going to do that. <P>Bad weather today so locks and bank account will be taken care of tomorrow. <P>As far as No contact.. don't take calls etc. That may not be the solution... no explaination, although he may be smart enought to figure out he has been found out, that may not do anyhting more than get him more fixated on contact.. Hard to say but from what i have read here on MB.. it may well be that he will be relieved of his exposure and just leave well enough alone.. <P>I don't know if I want to put my hopes on that though.. I know him well enough to know that he is a military weapon and sees himself as a fighting killing machine, HE does not take kindly to being out smarted and he will assume that he was investigated.. professionally or otherwise he will figure it out..<P>His general demeanor is one of combativness.. But I think it best that when he does call/ or show up that I tell him I chose not to pursue this relationship with him.. IF he presses for a reason.. I will very nicely tell him because I am not an adulterer and do not wish his wife any harm, embarrasment or pain. <P>Nor do I wish to be involved with a married man,, The end no further explaination required. IF that is not enough to send him packing than I will utilize all of the other advice and ARSENAL that I have available to me..<P>Your prayers are appreciated... I don't think this is going to easy and I know it will most likely get ugly on his part.. I have seen him throw down some mean verbal [censored] Whippings in the time I have known him.<P>But yes all I will be strong.. The news is painful, shocking and yes sickening.. But the knowledge I have now puts me in control.. and no longer gives him control ... That much at least I do have on my side.<P>And for those of you on here that are plagued with sick twisted OW that knowingly and intentionally took what did not belong to them.. Please know that I do not fit in that category.. This conspiracy of his was not of my making .... I wish I had checked him out sooner..<P>The lesson I have learned... Your inner gut should always be trusted and listened to.. if I had done so I may have saved my self the last three months of his SICK Deception..<P>Thanks all<P>I will pray to be stronger and more clear headed tomorrow.. But all of you can trust and be sure that this relationship is over.... there is nothing in this worl or on this planet that would allow me to even give him 5 seconds of my time... The gate is closed and pad locked... And right now my spirit and my heart need time to heal<BR>

Hello deceived,<P>I'm very sorry you've had cause to find us, but I know there are a lot of good people here who would offer sincere help.<P>I'm another old-timer here. I've had a bit of life experience which may also be of help. Been married a long time, been thru affairs, have some military friends.<P>In reading your posts, it comes through loud and clear that you must be very, very careful. You certainly must protect yourself against contingencies. The advice you've received about banks, attorneys, authorities, etc is prudent. Same with security on your house. I vote for the same.<P>As for confrontation with him, I see danger for you. He sounds very macho, very controlling, almost pathological. This is a very volatile combination. Sounds like he's got such a crush on himself he could rationalize anything. Including hurting you.<P>My thoughts? Disengage. Put increasing distance in between he and you. For the moment, I would spend as little time as possible with him. And, make it in public places with others around. I also see danger in informing his wife, his superior officer, his peers, etc. Definitely DO NOT tell his wife right now.<P>He's got you right where he wants you....totally afraid. Yes, and you have cause to be. He sounds dangerous. So, do as much as you can QUIETLY and without confrontation to back out.<P>I do agree that you should give details to someone of higher authority for whom he has respect. The CIC is a reasonable choice.<P>Listen, keep this in perspective. He may be a major, he may even be an almost-colonel. If something embarrassing happened the mil brass wouldn't like it, for sure. But, he ain't no general officer.<P>As a major, he's expendable. Cold facts of life. They'd smoke him if they had to. And, he's NOT of the elite. It's West Point or nothing. <P>I think Bill's right. Find someone off-base who has honor and respect for the tradition of the officer corps. Unfortunately, you ran into the worst example of what an officer can be...one who appears to have NO respect for humanity. If he's found out by the REAL officers, he's toast.<P>Just be careful.<P>ps...cleaning up typos...also thinking of my own experience. I can count 5 high school buddies who went to West Point, Annapolis, or the Air Force Academy. ALL are still in the service, all mid-40s, all very fine people. THEY are great examples of professional army. The guy you met is a disgrace. But a very dangerous one.<p>[This message has been edited by DuncanMac (edited January 25, 2000).]

decieved,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>His general demeanor is one of combativness.. But I think it best that when he does call/ or show up that I tell him I chose not to pursue this relationship with him.. IF he presses for a reason.. I will very nicely tell him because I am not an adulterer and do not wish his wife any harm, embarrasment or pain. <P>Nor do I wish to be involved with a married man,, The end no further explaination required. IF that is not enough to send him packing than I will utilize all of the other advice and ARSENAL that I have available to me..<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Be very careful...<P>Dmac is very right as to the dangerous possibilities this has for you...<P>Take good care,<P>Bill<P><P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>