This is meant to be encouraging, not depressing. Since so many seem<BR> to go into recovery and leave the forum, I wanted to come back and<BR> let you know that changes DO occur and Love can come back. For us<BR> it's happened so gradually that I didn't realize it till I looked at my old<BR> posts.<P> On Aug. 10 this year I was told "I've never loved you romantically and<BR> I may never. I want a divorce." My h. had been in an affair with a<BR> co-worker from Mar. '98 to early May '99. He confessed on August 18.<BR> He expected me to divorce him. We separated for three weeks. I cried<BR> and prayed and tried to find God's will. He asked for forgiveness.<P> In October, my posts were desperate cries for guidance. I wanted<BR> revenge, had the means to ruin OW's career and personal life (I still<BR> could).<P> Gradually I regained balance.<P> We started the Women's Bible study forum to pray for our husbands.<P> In November I told him I forgave him.<P> On Nov. 30 I prayed for affection to become the norm in our marriage.<P> I'm not sure when the changes began. I now get at least one kiss and<BR> hug every morning before my h. leaves for work (this is usually how I<BR> wake up, with him leaning over to give a kiss). Our physical<BR> relationship is better than it has ever been, and we actually TALK<BR> about it. We both touch each other in passing several times a day,<BR> and he uses 'terms of endearment' that I never thought I'd hear.<P> We go out OFTEN. I am now his choice for recreational time. <P> It is now rare for a trigger to ruin my mood or my day. It still hurts,<BR> but less and less.<P> But the best part, the thing I wanted to share most because you will<BR> all know why it is so precious, was his card to me yesterday.<P> a cupid on the front,<P> this message inside:<P> Happy Valentines Day <BR> to my heart's desire<P> I am in awe of the healing grace and miraculous power of God. <P> Please don't give up on your marriages, miracles can happen.<P> Only you can decide if you can or should stay and keep doing the hard<BR> work of 'Plan A' or 'Plan B' or 'Plan Z -- (your own variation).<P> But sometimes...the fog lifts and they actually remember that they<BR> loved you once and realize that they might lose something precious.<BR> I'd call THAT a miracle.<P><BR> liz\pearl

Hi Liz,<P>what a wonderful life you are now living. I'm so happy for you.<P>I do want to ask you one question though.<P>How did you ask your H whether he wanted to work on the marriage ?<P>The reason I ask this is because my H has broken up with OW. I posted the story on Gen. Questions titled "An Update on my little ole life" (I think)<P>I don't know how to ask him any questions about us, as for so long I let him know I wanted to work on our marriage, and got completely rebuffed. His answer was always 'no'. Just 'no'. I havent asked whether he wants to work on our marriage since the end of Nov, or early Dec. I got sick of asking and just decided to accept the whole thing.<P>It was my birthday on Sunday, and he sent me a present and a card, from him, as well as one from the children. He also left a message on my answering machine, wishing me HB, and saying that he had been thinking of me. I just don't want to get my head kicked off again, and don't want to get rebuffed, but how do I start communicating with him about us ?<P>Maybe I should start the conversation by asking whether he has thought of divorce? That seems to be LB tho'.<P>I could really use some words of wisdom, from someone who has been there, lived it, and worked through it. Your situation is what I think I dream of. I say "I think" as I still don't know what my exact feelings are for him any longer. I feel that the hurt was just so bad, I buried everything to do with him - feelings wise. But since he has broken up with ow, I feel the confusion, and feelings of hurt coming back. Also the feelings of betrayal, and disappointment that he is not choosing to be with me.<P>Anyway, thanks for your time, and I'll look forward to your response.<BR>I'm so happy for you, and am sending a big hug your way.<P>Jo

jo, <P>thanks for the hug -- can we ever get enough of them?<P>When my h. first confessed, his affair had been 'over' for a few months, but he still worked with her and had lots of strong feelings for her. <P>My close friend is a counselor, and she came over the morning after his confession to do a brief "crisis intervention". She told us we should take time apart to sort things out and for ME to decide what I wanted. I always felt that we could get love back if he would 'get back' into the relationship and actually be present mentally and emotionally. <P>However, he wasn't ready to discuss it for a few weeks. He was still very 'in love' with her and feeling that an affair is a death blow. He confessed because he thought I had a right to a 'good husband'. He intended to free me up to find 'someone who deserves your love'. <P>My suggestion to you, since it sounds like your husband is thawing a bit, is to simply say "sometime when you feel ready, can we talk about the future of our relationship? I know I'd be o.k. without you, but I think we might still have something here worth saving. Wouldn't it be a shame to give up without being able to say we really tried? <P>I won't bring it up again, but I want you to know I'm ready to discuss it anytime you want to." Then leave it alone. <P>As you certainly have discovered, men DON'T like to feel pressured or chased. Keep being calm, kind and self-assured, even if the self-assured is a total acting job (you'll start to feel more calm as time goes by.)<P>This really low-key approach led me my h. to say in a couple of days "I can't believe you'd actually consider taking me back. Why do you love me like that? How could you possibly forgive me? This gave me a chance to be vulnerable about some dark things in my past and let him know that I understood guilt and that I thought God could help me heal from this betrayal.<P>All of this happened in little bits and pieces. Don't rush or press AT ALL.<P>blessings,<BR>liz\pearl<P>------------------<BR><BR>"I have found the Pearl of Great Price"<BR>

thanks so much Liz,<P>what you've suggested I say is perfect.<P>I don't know when I'll say it, but as you say, don't rush in.<P>Since the phone calls from OW and H, I have stayed out of the picture, and not asked too many questions. (I"m human and a woman, I had to ask a couple !!!)<P>He seems to be ringing to speak to ME, rather than the children a lot more these days, and said yesterday, "I'll talk to you soon..." <P>Doesn't seem much I know, but it's been so long since I've heard anything like that from him...... usually it's just 'bye'.<P>Anyway, another hug for you, you're right there too, we can't get enough of those.<P>I'll be thinking of your happy soul, and I think I'll have a smile on my face all day today. I usually do anyway, but today it just may be that little bit wider !!!<P>take care of you, and ANOTHER big hug for you<P>Jo

Bonnet,hang in there. <P>If you want to communicate further, post to the Women's Bible Study forum. I probably won't check back here again.<P>p.s. if you could manage a little prayer for me tomorrow, I have an exam in college algebra. <P>It sounds insane to be taking algebra at 41 years old, and perhaps it is. I almost have my two year Associate of Arts degree, just this algebra class and English Composition II and Speech and I'll have the Associates and be finished at our community college. Then on to a local university. All this because I don't like unfinished projects! <P>anyway, I hope you decide to visit the Women's forum...<BR>liz

I am going through the same situation. I will look you guys up on the Women's bible study forum.<P>