Thanks all. I'll be okay.

Have you considered counceling for yourself I don't know you but I would like to suggest that being surrounded by infidelity as a child has left you with some scares that need to heal and some beliefs about what you do and do not deserve in life.<P>I think most betrayers on your end of the coin do lack a certain sence of self confidence to accept a person like the guy you describe.<P>A councelor can give you support that will allow you to grow as a person and will be nonjudgmental of your past behavior. They will probably help you understand your past actions in a way you have not before and will help you see that you should not sell yourslef short by pursing the same lifestyle or the same kind of men.<P>I do think that you are in denial to a certian extent about your own actions. You said you do not consider yourself the OW because neither you are he are married. And yet you seem to understand on some level that what you are doing is wrong because you do not what him to get married due to his infidelity. If he is an infidel in your relationship in that way, then so are you. <P>I am not saying this to enrage you or hurt you in anyway. I am just trying to show you that you need to take a deeper look. If you recognize that he "cheated" on his now fiance before the engagement with you and other woman - then you must also recognize your part in that too.<P>You do not want to tell her. Your right. It is his responsibility to do that but you also state that you do not want to inflict that kind of pain on her. This tells me that you know your actions would bring her a great deal of hurt. This is not really consistent with sayin you are not the other woman. You can't have it both ways.<P>You can not change his actions - only yours. I am suggesting that you have come to some assumptions in your life given your upbringing that have led you to this kind on behavior. In your heart you are a good person and want to make it right. This is the true you shining through the darkness of your world. A councelor can help you over come this so that you can form more perminant attachments in your future.<P>GOOD LUCK<P>Acacia

L&V,<P>I am finally recovering from your slap across my face!!<P>My story is this (and you'll recognize why I was the recipient of your slap): I have been with my H for 3 years and were just married 1/28/00. I found out 1 week before the wedding that my fiance slept with another woman just 2 weeks before the wedding. I think this was the 3rd wedding date we had set. My H has a history of lying to me and the lies get bigger each time.<P>For the week before the wedding I was in complete shock and I was numb. We met a couple times with our Pastor and I talked with his mom. I made the decision to marry this man who betrayed me in the worst way. <P>I've forgiven him, but that doesn't take the pain away. I love him and we are working on our marriage in counseling.<P>I fear every day that I will regret my decision, but so far so good. My H also posts on these forums and I think it has helped him as well to experience my pain through others.<P>I'm glad to read your heart is softening and unfortunately with that, you are feeling the pain. I found great solace last year reading the book "The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie.<P>Good luck to you and God Bless!<P><><<BR>

L&V,<P>Well, I guess it's my turn to put my 2 cents in. I am sorry you're hurting right now and the "guy" in this situation sounds like a complete jerk. Hopefully, his fiancee will wake up and smell the coffee before they are committed. At any rate, nobody here has implied that you were "going to Hell". In fact, I am not even a Christian. But I do believe a promise is a promise. I doubt anybody truly gets married thinking it will end in infidelity. My H and I were married for almost 14 years with no infidelity and had 3 beautiful children. I completely trusted him. And for 14 years I had every right to. But a year ago he had an affair and has decided to leave me to be with the OW. That's the breaks. I didn't "live in denial". As soon as I found out, I confronted him. I tried to work on our marriage because 1) I love him, 2) he's the father of my children, 3) I believe in commitment. Unfortunately, his ideas and beliefs now differ from mine. What you have to do is break away from this man and move forward. You obviously have some issues to work on. Your young with your whole life ahead of you. Find someone who will share your life and care for you exclusively. Best of luck to you.<BR><P>------------------<BR>Blessed be.<BR>****************<BR>Keridwen<P>Keridwen_7@yahoo.com

Land V, Just read your posts and all of the replies, and wanted to add my reply and support (at least I hope it will sound like support)<P>I am the betrayed. Betrayed in how many other ways beside trust is what I am not sure of. I have trusted and loved my H for 13 years, 11 of which we have been married. I guess the other thing I want to say about those years, is that I accepted him for who he was!!!!! good bad indifferent. <P>I think like you, I have had a difficult time with trust. My parents are not living. But my dad had a physical affair and an emotional affair. I knew about it. I was about 15 or 16. I struggled with the knowledge that my dad seemed to care more about the OW and her family than my mom, my brother and I. My dad was pretty immature. I know he was sorry afterwards. I hated him for much of my 20's but by my late 20's right before he died I came to terms with it, and realized as I began to mature, that nothing is 100% perfect in life (I'll get back to that later)<P>I mention my past to tell you, that during my teens and 20's I had more than a couple of relationships. (none with married men, though I had that option too.) I, like you, wanted to wait to settle down until I was 100% sure. As time went on, I realized, after "falling in love" afew times that love is more than that "initial feeling". I was 30 by the time I met my H. I had reservations about him because he did not have a lot of experience with women.<P>I think I was the second woman he had been serious about. I shared those reservatins with him...we discusse d many issues related to relationships. I really thought I had found someone who was the polar opposite of my dad. We married. For all of these years my H has been honest (i thought), thoughtful, quiet, affectionate, etc. <P>We have three kids whom he had always been very involved with, including teaching them values such as telling the truth etc....He also told them he would never leave them....<P>The past few years have been stressful for him at work. I am a stay at home mom, and as work increased for him (with the OP right by his side) stress increased for me at home.<P>I warned him about the OP. She has always bragged about being the "office wife". She pretty much grovels at his feet going way above the call of duty to do a lot of his work load. then she started complaining about her miserable life and marraige....Oh poor me, save me....etc ect.<P>Now here I am since November, where one day my family is whole, I have a H who tells me he loves me...who tells the kids he will never leave, and suddenly....looks possessed, begins lying to everyone, including his own mom. Tells me he has been pretending etc. <P>I am now left to pick up the pieces. As much anger as I have, I am now 43 and know that NOTHING is 100% ever....All you can do is try your best...to do the right thing. I guess It's up to each individual to decide what is the right thing. But I know that I am going to try very hard to teach my children the right things....that there is no 100% answer to things....that trying to find "true" happiness outside will lead to frustration...that thinking about others is what will most likely lead to a more happy life. That "true" love is more than that initial feeling. <P>My kids are worried that I will pick up and leave them like their dad, because he told them everyday he loved them and he left anyway...to find nirvana!!!!!<P>I will struggle with this issue of trust with the kids for all of their lives I know. I want to instill a sense of committment to things....to loyalty...to a taking into concideration the welfare of others. To not always feeling the need for instant gratification. (something that I think we in the U.s. seems to feel we are entitled to)<P>So, Do you think my H and I were just Not ready to settle down, were not 100% sure...that he finally found "true love"..<P>I do not...I feel my H was sucked into an addictive EA....one that has comletely altered his memory. If I didn't have kids or his family or our friends remind me of the truth I might believe him...But he seems to think that we fought in front of the kids all of the time....Now my children will tell you that they have never heard us raise our voices to each other. THeir last memory of their dad being here was of us huggging in the kitchen. <P>Unfortunatly, after reading much of the literature here and a lot of the posts, I view this as just another addiction, albeit a socially acceptable one for a society that seems empty....that needs to look to drugs, a person, a job (workaholism) to fill that emptiness, to make us feel good about ourselves. <P>I am not judging anyone...I certainly will not judge my H. I will not tarnish the love my children have for him (though they lack trust)....I guess life will never be 100% perfect...but since having children I do believe we "owe" the people we say we love something of ourselves.......for me that "right thing" will be the struggle to be as honest with myself and those people in my life that I love as I can be... It is a very steep learning curve...this thing called life....<P>I know you will change and grow...Just the fact that you are here listening and reading...I know this has been another lesson...(I am never too old to learn)..This has not been the first hard lesson I've had to face, it will not be the last. I just hope and pray that I gain a little wisdom on the way,,,,and I hope and pray you do as well...best wishes.

L&V,<P>I am 26 years old. I haev been in a marriage for 6 years now. I to am the betrayer. I started life early as well. I grad high school at 16. Was off the college at 17. Then of course while in college I met my H. Then after grad we married. DO I regret it? Not by any means. <P>Im proud of your decision. I wonder where morals fir into this country. Even though I had an affair. I still have morals. So I am not to judge you by any means. We all have judgement one day. So we all have to answer. He tells us all about what you and I both have done. Adultery and pre-immarital sex. You and I both know we have done wrong. THANK GOD HE IS FORGIVING. <P>Now, as for your life. I have a father that was very much like yours. No children were involved though. I know that with that on my back when I came into this world. I always said I didnt want to be that way. I was just curious. Are you the very same way? My brother isnt having an affair. But I could see my dad in him so mcuh. So that scares me a little. <P>This guy is going to get what is coming to him. The old saying "What comes around goes around" will fit here. I woudl strongly suggest that you break all ties. That is just a road of heartache. Im sure you have been through enough in life that you dont need anymore. <P>As a suggestion to you. I would read this site. You will get alot of info here. I would love for someone to present this to me at my wedding. The pricipals are great! They will help you to build a marriage that is indestructable. That is a great thing for you. Keep this in mind! I wish I had it! No, we all wait till a crisis then find it. LOL!<P>I wish you the best. Ill keep you in my prayers. It is a hard world out there for you. Just think of it as water off of a ducks back. <P>Prayers<BR>Renee<P>------------------<BR>