<BR>Found out 6 wk ago. The OW's H called and told me that he caught them at their house the night before. I confronted w/my H, he tried to lie but finally admitted it, stopped to seeing her and wanted a second chance. After 3 days of LB, I started to read things from this site, ordered the book. I was a calm, stable person before but now am very insecure and confused. He's back to normal (at least he looks normal) since he's rather relieved after the D-day, no wonder, he doesn't have to lie to me anymore like he did for about 1 year. The other hand I'm struggling to put myself together, but it's not good enough for him. I can tell he doesn't want to be around me because I look so grumpy and sad. He wants me to smile when I want to cry. Crying upsets him, makes him feel guilty and angry, I know that, so I try not to but sometimes I can't help. Because I'm avoiding my anger, I become sad instead. I can't tell him how I feel because I will cry if I talk about it. I'm hoping our first counseling session on this Wed will give us some ways to work on. I don't believe he's going to follow all the instructions from the counselor though, for several reasons. BTW I'm a foreigner, no family or close friends around, that makes the situation pretty bad for me. I just need someone to talk, and someone to remind me to keep trying. At least until the counseling puts us in a recovery process. Or am I hoping too much from counseling? I'll appreciate any comments, or just tell me not to cry.

Welcome <B>alien</B>...<P>Go ahead and cry...<BR>...it must feel the world is crumbling around you... <P>I have a post of general welcome I wish to share with you... <P>It has a lot of quick links to many of the <B>most</B> important MB sites...<BR>Click here ==> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000002.html" TARGET=_blank>General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies)</A><P><B>About your post</B>...<P>Watch your expectation on "counseling"...<BR>...you may want to find out if the counselor uses or knows about MB principles...<BR>...if not ask what they do follow...<BR>There are many "...do what makes you feel good..." counselors. This is not what you want.<P>You really sound depressed...<BR>...have you been to a Dr. about anti-depresssants...<P>Your feelings are not unnormal...<P>You may want to address... issues of anger and forgiveness...<P>Check out a few more sites..<BR><A HREF="http://www.divorcebusting.com/forumlinks4.html" TARGET=_blank>Forgiveness is a Gift You Give Yourself</A><BR><A HREF="http://forgivenessweb.com" TARGET=_blank>The Forgiveness Web</A><BR><A HREF="http://www.anger-stress-marriage.com" TARGET=_blank>Anger & Stress Management Communication Skills for Marriages and Relationships in Conflict</A><P>and some books...<BR><OL TYPE=1><BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/034541344X" TARGET=_blank><B>The Art of Forgiving :</B> When You Need to Forgive and Don't Know How</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0060674318" TARGET=_blank><B>Forgive and Forget </B>: Healing the Hurts We Don't Deserve</A> by Lewis B. Smedes <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0785282556" TARGET=_blank><B>The Choosing to Forgive Workbook</B></A> by Les Carter, Frank Minirth <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0806509376" TARGET=_blank><B>Anger : How to Live With and Without It</B></A> by Albert Ellis <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/1879237970" TARGET=_blank><B>Angry All the Time :</B> An Emergency Guide to Anger Control</A> by Ron Potter-Efron, Ronald T. Potter-Efron <BR><LI> <A HREF="http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0800786467" TARGET=_blank><B>Getting the Best of Your Anger</B></A> by Les Carter <BR></OL><P><B>Do cry</B>...<BR><B>Don't bottle up your emotions</B>...<P>If you feel anger, hate, distrust...<BR>...until you can address your emotions with some professional help...<BR><B>Vent HERE</B>!<P>Post, read, learn, release...<BR>You have nothing to be embarassed by...<BR>...and most of all...<BR><B>YOU ARE NOT ALONE</B>!<P> <P>Jim

Alien, I am in the same situation. Continue to read the suggestions and posts at this site, it will make you understand that you are not alone. The book "surviving an Affair" helps a lot too. I know how you feel about not having family or close friends around. My parents died a little over a year ago and the rest of my family lives out of state. Continue to ask questions here, it has been very helpful to me. Keep the faith.

Thank god there are so many good people out here.<BR>Jim,<BR>You are an angel. I'll try those sites and books. You've been thru so much more than I did, and you are still so strong. I admire you... Thanks a lot, for giving me a courage. Just thinking about you helping a lot of people on this site gives me a hope. This world is not so bad after all.<P>How depressed should I be to take anti-depressants? I never thought I'll need such a thing in my life. It depends on the time, when I'm OK, I'm OK. When I'm not, I think about "going away" or "disappearing" or "some accidents happen to me and I'll be gone" so that I don't think anything anymore. But I got 2 kids (2 & 4). They are wonderful. Don't worry I never leave them. Yesterday when I was really down, I just told my H that I'm going to grocery store, went to a rainy park and sat there for half an hour. It helped.<P>I thought about my expectation for counseling too, you're right. I am going to see how good this counselor is, and if he's not the one we want, I'll make an appo. w/Dr. H. (Actually I tried once but the timing wasn't good, Dr. must be busy, I imagine.) Would you tell me how many sessions I'll need to find out if the counselor work for us or not?<BR>I read Counseling Dept. of this site too. My problem is that we live in the middle of nowhere, there aren't many choices of therapists. We made this appo. a couple weeks ago and this Wed was the earliest we could get. Or need to drive a couple hours away. Telephone might be a good way but I'm just not a telephone person, with my English being my second language. I'm just hoping this therapist is good enough.<P>Confused33,<BR>Thank you too, I read your last 2 posts. I felt the same way, when I realized I had to forgive him so that I don't burn out. Then I felt like I'm stupid to let him off so quickly, what if he think it's too easy and starts it up again? When he looks he's just normal, I just want to let him know how much I'm suffering. Sometimes I think about cutting my finger a little (just a little 'cause it hurts! Oh then I won't do it.) so that I can show him me bleeding. I told him that, and that made him upset. He seems concerned for a while, then I feel a little better. A couple days later, I sink in again, and say about the same thing. I do a little LB, he pays me some attention at the time, and it fades out.<BR>Yesterday I changed a bit, didn't tell him anything when he didn't seem care, I just took off for a store so that I don't do any LB. After that, he was concerned about me anyway, in a nicer way. All right, I suppose it always comes back to Plan A, and it has to be a perfect Plan A. <P>Sounds like I'm talking to myself, doesn't it? I gotta go, I don't have many chances to be on computer with 2 little kids but I'll be back. Thanks.