H went to Dr for exam and asked if he should see counselor too, Dr said yes, so guess we will be going together. <BR>H says he still eats lunch with OW occasionally, either her office or his, open doors. I don't have a problem with that. <BR>Last night we went to a concert in the park and H was so nice and told me to sit in front of him so he could put his arms around me. I was savoring the moment. <BR>When we got home he seemed to distance himself once again, but I told him it was a wonderful night and that I really was glad we went. He said he was too. <BR>No romance though. He said he will work on his "feeling letter" today, because he had VIP's in yesterday. H said he went to lunch and I know for sure my heart stopped beating for a second! I didn't ask... but after a minute he said it was just he and the VIP's.<BR>I have asked a few more questions, if he gave any gifts to her (cards or whatever)and he said no. He gets all the office staff daily calendars at the holidays. No problem with that either, I help him pick them out. <BR>He said he is worried about his age, and says he is obsessed with work. (has substituted work for sex) <BR>My father failing fast at facility, when he looks at me, I know he doesn't know who I am. Two days ago he got into the wrong room to get dressed and ended up is some lady's clothes, underwear and all! I can see you smile, don't worry... I did too! He is settled into the routine though and isn't hostile now. <BR>Dazed, miss you, how's cat doing?

Thought I would update this for the forum. H and I went to counselor on Friday. It was a joint session at first then a short time with each of us alone. We told him basically what we had been discussing ourselves and he gave suggestions,ie,H should eliminate all "one on one" with OW. H could call during the day just to have contact with me. I was told NOT to bring up the incidences anymore(I am to keep a journal and write down any of the things that bother me and then put it away and not mention them) that it would be like beating him over the head with it. I am to concentrate on affirmation(like plan A), that this would bring him back into intimacy faster than anything. <BR>I have had some bad moments since then, the strangest things trigger my sad responses. We drove by the place they had lunch (when I found out) and just looking at the picnic table by the water made me cry. Sunday H picked me up in his van and just sitting in the seat and thinking about them togetner chatting and spending time together, did it again. <BR>H has been very very attentive (I don't know what the counselor said to him when they were alone) and he speaks up right away when I am upset, to reassure me. <BR>I feel a little "punished" by having to turn my back on the situation and concentrate on affirmation, but have been able to do it. We go again this Friday. <BR>I have been thinking of the past couple years and wondering what he did with his affection during that time when it certainly wasn't between us. I remember when he would turn to say good night and he would get all clammy and he said it happened when he touched me, what does that mean now that i know the lunches had started? I have also found that when our son quit his job at H plant, that the lunches began then... H paid at first, so this was before they were told by corporate heads that they could go anytime and take it from petty cash. <BR>I still can obsess about the "facts" even though H says over and over that it was only a friendship and nothing else. H says he certainly didn't feel anything for OW and that she never came onto him during the times of their lunches. Why then was she so cool when I saw her during that time, and yet would catch her staring at me... it just goes on and on. Thanks for listening any comments or experiences appreciated,

Hey, LAD:<P>Kitty is doing much better on the antibiotics, but now I'm shoving 4 medications into him every day for another week, and he's slightly traumatized.<P>You're not going to like hearing this, dear, and I know this conflicts with the "you have a right to know everything" philosophy most people have around here, but my own opinion is that you are going to have to stop obsessing and let this thing go. You've seen results, your H is showing a great deal of sensitivity and willingness to put the effort into your marriage, so what's to gain by knowing all the gory details? What is this obsessing doing for you? Are you learning anything? Is it helping your marriage?<P>As you know, I've been in your shoes, only with less consideration of my feelings. I've had to let go of a lot of "what happened" stuff. If I can do it, you can do it.<P>At some point you have to ask yourself, "What is helping me move forward?"

Dazed -<BR>So glad to hear Kitty is doing better - and so very sorry to hear about the health issues in your family. <P>Lad,<BR>All i can say is please please please listen to Dazed. She totally knows what she's talking about. I am an obsessive person and have a hard time letting things go. I am learning slowly - very slowly that in order to make my marriage work i need to change. I could literally spend 24hours a day 7days a week thinking about what my H has or has not done. FYI - he never disclosed a PA or EA - he does not feel that his friendship w/ OW is a form of betrayal and he won't read any of Harley's books or even go to counseling w/ me. Your H might not be telling you that he knows his friend is attracted to him - my H said that at first too. because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. i forget what the saying is but several people here seem to agree that the ws not being completely honest is worse for the bs than the truth. but if you are like me - knowing all the details would not help you any more than not knowing them. you will always wonder what they discussed at lunch or when they were together - even if he told you every conversation - you would have additional questions. Knowing the details will just give you more nightmares that you don't need. Please try like i have to stop obessing. My d day was Feb 24th. I still get a pain in my heart when i think of it. and when i am due for my period my emotions are so wild that i truly hate my h. I hate to admit that - especially where other men can read it. I am sorry for rambling on and on. I just want you to know that you are not alone and others - Dazed for instance, have overcome the obsessing and some of us are still learning - me w/ the help of Zoloft, to try and focus on other things.<P>Good luck and thanks for the update.<P>PS - sorry i haven't written before - sometimes i get depressed to and don't come here because it depresses me more. Some things that others are going thru scare me and i start to wonder (or obsess) if my H is doing other things too. I have to learn that i cannot control him and in order for me to live w/ him in a happy marriage i have to become somewhat of a stepford wife. this marriage thing stinks - if i didn't have a 3yr old i think i would have left him back in feb.<BR> <BR>bye all<BR>

Now, Maturing, let's not get carried away. <P>I haven't overcome the obsessions, they've just receded to a manageable level. It's almost like a conditioned reponse: H plans to make a few stops on the way home? I think he's seeing Dragon Lady. H has to help out one of the guys he works with set up a computer on Saturday AM? I think the worst. This morning I woke up and found that H had been on his Compuserve account before I got up. (PS -- I pay for the Compuserve account, and I have access too, though I don't use it.) Of course, for a moment, I think the worst. <P>These things are TRIGGERS, but you can train yourself to not react to these triggers. I guess this is where the cognitive therapist I go to comes in handy. My mind is full of triggers; most of them related to the baggage from the way my mom is, but I'm learning how to switch those off.<P>The obsessing gives you the ILLUSION of control, but it's not a reality<P>And you're absolutely right, that knowing the truth wouldn't make you obsess less.<P>LAD, your marriage is in a pretty good place right now, all things considered. You've made progress as quickly as I did. We are the lucky ones. Try to focus on the POSITIVE; it'll make it easier for you to let go of the power of these triggers.

Thanks gals, I haven't been asking any questions of H, but just express myself to this board as a way to see it in black and white. I am finding each day easier (remember that this is still new to me and quite a shock from someone that I have been with for so long) <P>H called yesterday afternoon and talked for a little while, and that helped my afternoon <BR>spirit. I told him so last night, and he has been so attentive that I forget the whole situation at times. <P>This morning we had a power outage so H was home until just a few minutes ago, taking care of the pump in the basement. We had a "Little House on the Prairie" morning, with candles and quiet. <P>I think I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it hasn't' been that long a tunnel I suppose, compared to what I read here, but it was a dark one none the less. <P>maturing: you are in my thoughts each day, and I hope your H sees the error of his ways, maybe he does and that is his why he resists. Try to Plan A. I didn't think I could do it but really find it easy when H has shown a little "A" back (and he doesn't even know it!) <P>Thanks Dazed, glad you cat is better, after a couple days I thought maybe the worst had happened. I had a cat with kidney failure and we did dialysis at home twice and pulled him through, but that last time was too much for him. He was only 7.

Yes, LAD, folks like you and I are fortunate...for all the pain we've experienced, it's not as bad as some...Maturing, for example, or Lora, who's been in this limbo of denial from her H for a long time and nothing changes either way.<P>It does get better, and the more your H responds to the good treatment you give him, but better it'll get.<P>Sorry your kitty had CRF so young. Mine is 14, and I guess whatever happens happens. My 15-year-old kitty is in the very beginning of CRF. Meanwhile, this is the week Stepdad sees the oncologist. My mom says he's very anxious and depressed. If anyone knows something helpful to say to a nonreligious person with a terminal illness, I'm all ears.