OK, I consider myself to be a lucky one and give Thanks to God for the situation I now find myself in. I also attribute alot of what's going on in my life to the principles taught here at MB. <BR>I am 39 years old, 4 daughters and one new son. My spouse is 35 and the father of 2 of our girls and the son. He is the WS, he and I were going through a very rough time in our lives, he had started his practice and I had put my own dreams on the back burner to assist him in his dream. After putting him through law school and supporting him in his solo practice for 3 years, having gone through rough spots left and right he decided that maybe his step-mother might be right and I might be the wrong person for him. He got involved with his former girlfriend who hero worshipped him and cuddled up to me, saying she was a true friend and defender of me to his family. She then proceeded to try and snatch him away from me. She, herself was very unhappy with her life. If only she had taken the time she would have found out that her h and my h have alot of the same attributes and she probably wouldn't have been any happier with mine. Unfortunately for her, I didn't let it go on that far. Within 3 weeks of the affair going from EA to PA I was aware and fighting. I had one night that I put both my H and myself through he!!. I more or less used the kids as leverage to make him work with me and threatened that since I had worked in his office for the 3 years previous I was now fully armed and would pull every trick in the book to get him to give us a fair chance. (I truly think God was talking through me that night because I never would have pulled the stuff I made him believe I would and could do! !) Anyhow, it made him hang around long enough to actually work on the marriage and things are 100 % better. We are leading a much more spiritual life now with constant thought about each other and our concerns. We are almost at 2 years for D-Day (hate Oct-Nov!) And it's an on-going battle to keep our communication going but we are working on it. We just had the most beautiful little boy and now my step mother in law actually acknowledges my presence. His family has finally realized that I am not going anywheres, that we are truly together for life because, once you've worked through something like this there isn't ANYTHING that can pull you apart! God Bless you all!<P>------------------<BR>Chick's <BR>Bren<P>You won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

D day began July '99 when I opened his cell phone bill and called a recurring number on it (familiar theme?). He had been in PA/EA with this 24 yo for about 5 mos. He was 43, I was 38. They met at a bar where he had been going to play cards with some guys. He doesn't drink, just plays cards. She came onto him (he says). I talked to her a couple of times on the phone and didn't detect a lot of sympathy. He wasn't her first MM. Anyway, I moved out with my daughter because he wouldn't. He kept apologizing, saying he wanted the marriage to work and we began to talk. It was unheard of to me to stay with someone after an A, so I searched the net and found MB site (I didn't discover the forums until about 3 wks ago). However, he was still in addiction. After about a month of his going back and forth between her and I, I said "call a lawyer". He opted not to call a lawyer, but lose the GF. We lived apart for 9 mos. and dated during that time. I moved back in May 2000. During the 5 yrs leading up to A we had problems with my two teen daughters and his teen son, but we had resolved to stay strong through it all. One of my daughters had moved out on her own and it was his son who was really going haywire at time of A. H was going out more instead of dealing with the stress at home. We have worked through a lot of the problems that contributed. We are once again lovers and friends. He would like to just forget it and go on like we always did, but as every BS knows it doesn't happen that easily. At year anniversary of D day a lot of emotions resurfaced and I really thought a lot about leaving again, but got back on MB site, prayed a lot, and put my mind on a more positive track. Of note, he had "affair" while we had been dating 2 yrs, convinced me it was a terrible mistake, and that he wanted to marry me. He really has been a wonderful husband outside of these incidents, but this is his LAST last chance.

OK, here's mine...<BR>6 years together, 4 married, 3 kids. I got the "I don't want to be married anymore" speech 3 days after we bought our first condo in May, 2000. I went into a downward spiral over the following week ending in psych ward for 8 days because of suicidal intentions. (Clarification: Not to escape the problem, but because I had convinced myself that S would be easier on the kids. I now realize where my error was - no way I'll go that route. Also, have been on anti-depressants since and they have worked miracles!)<P>I wasn't allowed back into the condo after I got out of hospital. W said she wouldn't take it to D, but was convinced a legal separation would solve the financial burden of maintaining 2 homes. 3 weeks after getting out of the hospital, found evidence that suggested she was going ahead with D. <P>When I confronted her, we got into a verbal argument that she turned physical. I wrestled her to ground after being pushed & hit, then I went to jail. I haven't seen W or 3 sons since June - love our legal system! I now have the option of pursuing visitation with my sons, but am choosing not to at this point as my W is already acting very mentally unstable & I want them to gain some stability. Also, pushing forward on that issue would push forward other issues and I refuse to help the D go any faster. <P>I won't be allowed to see W until Sept, 2002, because pled "no contest" ($$ & stability factors), so I'm trying to put my life together between now and then...<P>Oh yes, she has the car and I lost my job over getting arrested. So I'm back to square one in just about every sense of the phrase. I'm using this time to get back in touch with what I want out of life, how I want to live it and what kind of work I want to do that incorporates both.<P>------------------<BR>Hang in there,<BR>-Nathan

My turn. 36 married 16 yrs, together 18. Two kids, 11 and 7.<P>marriage has not been very satisfying for either of us for about 5 yrs. H took on promotion, because of feelings at home or not, I don't know, but new job consisted of a lot of travelling. We have not met EN, or were very good at communicating our needs. I thought I was being very talkitive, of course. He moved on before he expressed his discontent. <P>A started a yr ago. Someone he met on a week-long trip. PA started the next time he visited her state. It is a long distance A. He even got a new cell Phone in the last year with free long distance. He talked to her every day.<P>Dday for me was 8/5. He had taken my daughter on a date and called OW from the restaurant. My daughter even talked to her!! When they got home, she told me about calling his friend; 11:30 Sunday night, her time--It was pretty obvious. I forced it out of him. Called for a counselor the next day. We saw the counselor the following day. Per her advice,(and it took a week) he has told the OW not to contact him for 2 mos. while he works on marriage. <P>Since then I have found that he loves her, and can't leave her; now. She is not quite divorced either, and no kids. He feels like sh**, and very guilty. I am trying to plan A but am getting bitter about his inability to come up with even one feeling that has to do with our marriage or even his A. He is a wasteland. All he can think of is her, even though he has kept to the 2 month seperation, I think. I think in his mind he will be ABLE to talk to her AFTER, so he is OK with that. But is showing signs of withdrawl. He is taking No nonsense from the kids and their behavior; this he has never done. He is giving me the time, but not the effort to analyse the marriage and where and when it went wrong. I hope the counselor can open him up.<P>I have been very supportive to him emotionally so he can release any pent up emotions, but it is not working yet. But he is amazed I can be that way. That is largely to do with MB and the support daily I find here. He feels even more guilty. <P>We have not continued an intimate relationship; I won't until he decides he is definitely leaving her for good. It would be that much harder for me. I don't think he wants it anyway. He wants me to be the bad guy I think---tough! I'm stayin! <P>

Hi friends on the forum,<P><B> Jim </B> Your the best for keeping all this stuff up for everyone!! <P><B> Newbies </B> I am so sad to see all these new names and unfamiliar stories. I too, lurk quite a bit, and reply to my friends that I've grown to know. Post replies to other's situations and you too, will make lots of new friends here, and I hope that the MB principles may work in saving your marriage. Prayers to all <P><B> MY STORY</B><P>At the time I am writing this update, I will be 28 years old in a few weeks. I was with my stbxH for 11 years. He is still 27. We have 3 daughters, ages 9, 7 and 2. We were together a full 7.5 years before we were married, as well as broke up for a year along that path before we got married. We were married 2.5 years . Well actually, by the time my divorce is final, we'll be married about 3 years. <P>My stbxH left us on Xmas day. He told me that it was because he didn't know who he was. He needed to "find" himself. I felt terrible. Here we were, him 26 and myself 27, with 3 kids, a house, 2 cars, everything you could hope for, he had that career thing getting started. I was the happy wife . We had our share of ups and downs but we both felt it was part of us being way too young (17) when we met and having our first child shortly after didn't help.<P>A week later, I found out he brought new GF to his mom's (the backstabber) on New Years. His mom told me of this awful woman yet months later, sided with her in the end. I found out for sure on Jan. 7 that he was seeing another woman. He met her at work. I can trace definete things back to October of 99. He claims they never slept together until after he moved out. Which, in his eyes, Xmas day, is no big deal.<P>I gave him one month to get his crap together and make a decision. The children were in pain, I was depressed and sick. Gave him til January 26. He decided to come home. Went to OW's to get his stuff, then she helped him change his mind. <P>A few weeks later, on Valentine's Day, I got served horrible divorce papers suing me for everything, it was ridiculous. <P>Started a 5 month long, costly divorce battle that was emotionally draining. I attempted Plan A in the beginning of the break up, but in my heart, I didn't believe I could ever trust him after the severity of his abandonment.<P>By June 21, we finally agreed on divorce. Well, he withdrew and I actually counter sued. Anyhow, as of today, we are still not divorced, and court was 2 months ago. I am sure it will come any day now. <P>I have been in counseling, and work hard to look at things with an open mind. I do believe there were things in our marraige that were not perfect, and there was a time when I would have saved it. At this point, I am confident with my decision that we just grew up differently and may not have made that ultimate life long dream. We are too different.<P>I have forgiven him for ME. He did a lot of horrible things to me and our kids, but I needed to do that to be in a healthy relationship and to gain closure. <P>Deep down, I feel no excuse in the world, except severe abuse, should warrant any spouse from abandoning the other on any holiday, much less Xmas. For that, I do not respect him as a person any longer.<P>He tries to make advances at me all the time. I am not even attracted to him anymore, its a shame to see it all end so badly. <P>We are working on "friendship" and he does talk to me about stuff, but I don't confide in him much.<P>I have met a LOT of great guys along the way and grown tremendously over the past 8 months. What I have learned, could only come from experience, and I know I'll go on to a better life one day.<P>I am now learning about dating all over again. Relationships, falling in love that first time after the divorce, that was a hard one. Unfortunately , the feeling wasn't mutual so I'm out here again.<P>I believe in saving a marraige if at all possible, and wish all those who are trying the best. I also believe sometimes, its just gone too far to save, in my case, and I try to make the best of a bad situation. <P>April 9, 2001 I was reading this today and decided to give it an update. I was officially divorced in October of 2000. I have been dating someone for 7 months now, and I believe I have fallen in love. Sometimes I am doing great, other times, I still have bad days. Looking back , I realize now that I dated way too soon after discovery. Possibly, out of revenge, lost my mind, I don't know, but when I compare those days to where I am now, I know it was too soon. Hindsight is a great thing, but what else do I do with it?<P>I now get along with my exH. He is OK now that I have a bf and I get along with OW for the sake of my kids, but I don't feel good about it all the time. Its all just way too complicated STILL but I'm hanging in there.<BR>Prayers and hugs to all,Dana<BR><p>[This message has been edited by DanaB (edited April 09, 2001).]

I truly think the name Cinderella fits me. Oh, I'm not perfect but I've come so far. I'm not a chargirl transformed into a princess but I've really come a long way. (That's the Leslie Ann Warren Cinderella not the Disney one.)<P>I am old enough to know not to tell just anyone who asks how old I am. I think my mental age is about 28. Doesn't work with the real numbers in my life though. I can easily pass for substantially younger, though. I am the betrayed. I think I am the one who has survived in all-around better shape emotionally though I did get the bad end of the deal financially.<P>I met the man I thought was the love of my life when I was 18. We were married 3 years later - after I hurried through college in those 3 yrs. I've joked that for our 10th anniversary, we went to the winter Olympics in Calgary, for our 12th anniversary I got pregnant (very planned) with the first child, for our 15th anniversary I had the second (very planned) baby, and for our 17th anniversary he announced he wanted a divorce. Sadly, it's not a joke.<P>Yeah, we went to counseling. The same guy met with both of us separately as well as together. (Nothing like having to spill your guts to someone you knew and could have had a crush on in college but he did really good work on me.) Before I met with counselor the first time, x met with him and told him that his job was to convince me that there was life after divorce. Did I ever have a fair chance to save marriage? No.<P>The truth is something like this. I grew up with a father who was unavailable emotionally. He had been an unloved, unwanted child and never developed the emotional health required to have a good emotional relationship with anyone. My mother admits she married him to get away from her mother since he happened along at the right time. That makes sense as I never could figure out why the two of them ended up together. Therefore, I thought all men were, in their human-ness, hard to get along with. Fast forward a few years. And I think I married to escape my father. <P>X and I did date for three years before getting married but I honestly don't think he ever proposed. It just felt right. We just fell into the idea. <P>Moving right along, I think the contributing factors to the divorce were guilt and mental/emotional unwellness on x's part. I think there is a history of unwellness in his family - every woman born into the family in his generation, with the exception of one, is clinically obese; he has a cousin whose son was diagnosed as anorexic at the age of 13; need I go on? He said, in the last few days he was at home that he didn't want to marry me and did so only because he didn't know how to tell me before the wedding. This was the guy who date raped me the first time I ever had sex. He knew I didn't want to but that didn't stop him. His dad had travelled a lot and I think his mother was so codependent and did all she could to meet his dad's every whim and avoid all controversy. <P>On my part, I have Attention Deficit Disorder and have trouble controlling clutter. The only things x ever told me I did wrong were that I was late to most things and I was a bad housekeeper. It wasn't dirt it was clutter. Maybe I was guilty of putting children first but that would have happened because he was so emotionally unavailable. Yes, I would put my creative projects ahead of domesticity sometimes because other people stroked my ego when they saw most of them and my husband sure wasn't stroking my ego.<P>So, he took away my emotional, financial, and societal security and threw me to the wolves. And says he feels badly because he can't see his children as often as he wishes. Well, forgive me while I laugh. <P>The grapevine where he works told me that he had an interest in a woman with whom his work had him in frequent contact. When confronted with this he said it was true and that she was alone and had two children, no one to help her, her life was hard, he felt sorry for her, and he had a chance at happiness. He didn't know whether or not it would pan out but he had to take this chance. Did it bother him to do this to his children? Yes, but he had to take this chance at happiness. Gag me with a spoon. (Two years ago she married someone else.) It always struck me as odd that this man had been no more interested in sex than he was, at least for at least the last 10 yrs. He told me he had this other woman in whom he was interested and then asked me why I thought he was spending so long in the shower. I have no doubt that he was having an emotional affair and was in there engaged in self-abuse while committing cerebral adultery. <P>Funny part is that the night he told his sister that he was filing for divorce (I found out because I heard the conversation over the baby monitor in children's room), I threw him out of the bedroom. He started sleeping in the den with the dog. Six weeks later the dog died. Smart dog! I'd slept with him for 17 years. After 6 weeks, she preferred dying over sleeping in the room with him.<P>So, he moved out. 3 1/2 yrs later we got a divorce. Now in the 4 years the divorce took, I went through two pretty good bouts of depression. Getting a divorce, financial devastation, two preschoolers having trouble coping, son having real behavior and emotional problems. Life was a real mess. <P>There were times when I could see how someone could kill their young children and then themselves in order to escape. Children are out of their pain. You are out of yours. I could honestly see the appeal. <P>But I was lucky. I knew that God was with me and that He would, somehow, get me through. He would continually give me what I needed. Continually. <P>I used to think that if you prayed hard enough and had enough faith, God would rescue you. But I don't think that anymore. You get the strength you need to face the challenges you encounter. God has given us the ability to choose. Sometimes we choose wrongly and other people suffer as the result of our choices. In that case, God doesn't even get what He wants. Look at Noah. Look at Adam. Lots of biblical examples of God having to get a Plan B. So, sometimes we have to get a new plan too.<P>So, I used to spend my time trying to be the domestic servant of an always taking - never giving - man who had no words of praise for me. Then I discovered that I could find answers, with true God-Father, to transform myself into someone who saw and could project happiness and joy.<P>I am Cinderella!!<P>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited August 28, 2000).]<p>[This message has been edited by cinderella (edited August 28, 2000).]

{tune = Clementine}<P>O my Husband, how can you stand there<BR>Drinking all that beer so strong<BR>When you have a loving daughter<BR>and a wife, who suffer long?<P>Just don't hit me! Don't belittle me!<BR>Don't try so hard to drive us off!<BR>For you know that once your mood goes<BR>You'll regret each word and deed.<P>I know your frightened, I know you're insecure.<BR>You cannot stand to be revealed!<BR>Just let us do for you and do not hurt us,<BR>Before you know it, you'll be healed.<P>You see I love you, I'll never leave you!<BR>If anyone would leave it's you.<BR>Don't you know that I'm committed<BR>To make the best of all we have?<P>Reading Harley, reading everything!<BR>Learning all there is to know<BR>Leaves me wondering, What's the limit?<BR>Just how much d'you think I'll grow?<P>Now the OM's a distant mem'ry.<BR>How could I have been so blind!<BR>All he wanted was some action,<BR>And some baskin' in my shine!<P>So I practice. Practice! Practice!<BR>Night and day, it is Plan A!<BR>Never busting, never slacking,<BR>Never giving up on H!<P>***********************************<BR>Second marriage. Six years. <P><P>------------------<BR>A true friend is one who not only is willing to love us the way we are, but is able to leave us better than he found us.

31 married 11 yrs been together 13<BR>2 children 12 and 10<BR>Both came from disfunctional families, had relationship problems in the beginning and worked them out. Stayed together all this time obviously due to LOVE.<BR>2 years ago we bought our house I made a career change(started making more money then H)<BR>Since we bought the house things went downhill H started drinking more my family moved in Stole from us and did drugs in our home. H was not pleased and never wanted them here. My fault!<BR>After 6 mos of family and our lives growing further apart H decides to quite drinking 3 weeks later he moves out. He said he needed to be alone so he could deal with his life and the pain and hurt he had caused his family. He had a lot of guilt.<BR>He is not going to meetings or counseling.<BR>He said he had been thinking of doing this a year ago however there were no signs.<BR>He still bought love cards and did wonderful things, we were going to renew our vows next summer and have a big reception with friends and family.<BR>Well after being out of the home for a month he got involved with co-worker who was helping him with his drinking issues.<BR>Now he has his own place which him and the OW have made together she has not moved in yet but I am sure that will be soon.<BR>Now he wants a divorce but has no money to file for it.<BR>I am plan Aing it for now and have an appt with S. Harley tmro....<P>H has changed his song and dance from what he first expected from the sepertion.<BR>I know he is the classic textbook case I am just hoping everything I am reading and learning in counseling is going to pay off.<P>I love this man with all my heart and I know he loves me. Just need to clear the FOG. OW is just an obstacle!!!!!! Keeping the Faith<P><BR>Diana

My Story...<P>W and I have known each other for roughly 8 yrs and have been married for 6. We have a 4 yo son and I have a 12 yo daughter from a previous marriage. <P>My previous W was very cruel to me and our D emotionally and mentally which is what drove us apart. I would recommend counselling but she would say "It's no one's business but ours". After two and a half years of that I could not take it anymore and decided to follow through with what she had asked me for on several occasions, a divorce.<P>Me being the procrastinator, did nothing for several months and eventually met my current W through mutual friends. She soon figured out that my D had not taken place and was very upset. I came clean and got off my duff to get the thing taken care of. We managed to work through it all and stayed together for another 1.5 years. I got orders to the west coast which put us in decision time. We decided to get married and did so on 10 Dec 1994. Our life together was fun and exciting from the start. As time progressed my W would make comments to me that I was not listening to her pleas for me to change some of my habits, ie groping instead of cuddling, not working out, not wanting to sit with her in the evenings, not acting like I wanted to improve myself etc., etc.. She would cry after talking to me about these issues but sometimes I would not console her. I feel now that I have a better understanding of how I felt, I did not know what to do in that situation. Sometimes she would accept my apology and affection and other times she would say to leave her alone.<P>These particular things occurred several times over the next 4 yrs up to present. Both of us agreed to work on ourselves but my W never seemed to appreciate any advances I had made. I can honestly say I slipped on more than one occasion and did not listen to her. Sooner or later this built up and she gave up telling me. In the months preceding her A I felt we had been making some progress and she stated the same. I think too much damage had been done.<P>The week prior to the discovery of her A I sought help via counselling which she said she would attend and through the help of MB web site. W attended a supposed woman's retreat in Nov 00 but some of the details of that trip were out of the norm for her. I denied to myself that she would do anything wrong to me. <P>I talked to her about the trip and asked her what she did. Most of her responses were non-committal in nature. No real details were given. I was all for her making this trip as it was supposed to be for her to work on her self and what she needed. This is why I felt her responses were not in keeping with the spirit of the trip.<P>Dec 00 and she comes to me the week before our 6th anniversary to say she is going to go to a friend's cabin in the mountains on her days off. She layed out an elaborate story that the cabin belonged to a friend's family member and that the girls from work would be heading up to it over the week. It wouldn't cost anything but gas to get there and food while she was there. She had bought tickets for us to go to a dinner with friends on the Sat before our anniversary, the end of the same week. She said we could celebrate our anniversary and my birthday the same night. I went with a couple of friends for a beer on the Friday and came home later than normal to find her very angry at me and I later found out her and her mother had a row that night as well. She did not want to go with me on the Sat evening though we spent 70.00 on these tickets. Sat afternoon when I returned home she was still mad. I was appologizing profusely but to no avail. When I got up in the morning she woke and asked me where a sleeping bag was that she would be using for her trip. I asked her when she was going and she said "this afternoon" I pleaded with her that it was our anniversary and I would like to take her out to dinner that night. She said she didn't think I would want to do anything with her so she was just going to go on her trip. She left that afternoon and left me with my thoughts. I did not feel good about the whole thing at this point and told her when she called that I would like to talk to her about some things. I first of all apologized for my behavior and said we should seek some counselling and she agreed. I asked her pointedly if she was seeing someone and she denied any involvement by saying "when would I have time". I took that as somewhat strange as she had been away with someone whom I didn't know and to places where she said there was no phone to contact her at. This is where my intuition as her H took control and I started to get really worried.<P>Some other small signs appeared as I focused more on what the problem could be. I noticed she was working out more and wearing nicer underclothes. She even asked me to wear a condom when we made love saying that it could be dangerous at the moment. I found this really disturbing because she never requested that before and I know her cycle had just finished. I noticed a PO box key on her key ring as well. She also acted strangely while fiddling with her cell phone one night. She hid the screen from me as she went through some function. Odd for her... I got on the web and found MB and read the basic concepts pages and printed the EN and LB questionaires. I filled mine out and asked her to do the same. She never did any of it until after discovery. Only afterpleading with her did she fill out the EN list.<P>Now I really felt there could be something going on so as I continued to try and work on my own misgivings, I attempted to see if I could prove or disprove an A. The power of the internet gave me a way to log all activity on our home PC. The first day it was on I found some e-mails that I shall have a hard time forgetting. She had been e-mailing her lover from our home and had agreed to call him that very night. I felt as though I had been gutted with a K-Bar!!<P>Her mother was there and in a state of complete and utter devastation, I showed the e-mails to her mother and asked if she knew about this whole thing. She said she did not but had her suspicions that something was going on. I confronted my W about it when she got home from the PO and she was dumbfounded. We went and discussed the matter where she admitted to the PA. She would not say who, where, what, how etc., etc.. I did not do a very good job of no LBing but finding out was the single most emotionally devastating time in my life. I had not cried a single tear since I was a small boy but I cried a flood that night and the next 2 weeks. I still cry.<P>I told her that I could forgive her and over time, the memory would fade. I expressed to her in every way possible how much I love her and how much I wanted to work this out. She has still not decided whether or not she wants to try. <P> We started out staying together in the same room but she kept saying a separation is what we should do. I said that would be very difficult because of our son and financial situation. After several days I could not take the silence and indifference of it all and started to talk to her. She did not want to talk about it but I pushed and pushed. I have recently realized this is LBing so I have settled down now. I have moved into our spare room as well. Through all of this I am still waiting for the base counsellors to call and give us an appointment. She then tells me she doesn't want to attend counselling because she doesn't want to make a half-hearted attempt only to back out after a short time. I told her I respect that opinion but we should still seek professional help on our own. So far, I have been to the Chaplains office who gave me the Harley book "SAA" and some comforting words. I have also been to the counsellor's office one time. I got W to begrudgingly agree to attend on her own next week. I continue to get on MB and gently suggested W do the same. She said she is not into it. I am so fearful of losing my one true love that this is consuming me totally. I can't bring myself to stop searching for clues or evidence or whatever you call it. She continues to lie to me up to this day which kills me the most. That and the fact that she doesn't want to try to make things better. I feel I have ruined her but I have a strong faith in God and my own standards which will hopefully help me make it through this. I want to be her H and our son's F with all of us together so much it hurts terrible. I appreciate all the support this site gives. It is important to me to know there are others out there who care.<BR> <P>

here we are<BR>I am the wife age 39, to WS age 35. Married 13 years. 1 year since discovery. EA (thats all as far as I know). In recovery now.<BR>Husband was involved with internet personal ads, and chat rooms.<BR>He is in therapy for workaholism (goes to WA meetings and a psychologist)He isn't on any meds at all YET, but it may come soon. (depression, addiction, etc)<BR>Things are looking up FINALLY<BR>Jessica

H and I married 5 years together 8.<BR>We have a three year old Son<BR>H has a job that requires him to work out of town for long periods.<P>Found out 10/22 that he was living with OW coworker at their assignment.<BR>H asked for separation.<BR>H and OW left for their new assignment in MI on 10/31.<BR>H has been evasive about everything. Gives me no emergency numbers, etc.<BR>H visits Son every other weekend.<BR>12/23 we had show down because he took son to OWs house without my permission or knowledge.<BR>Have been attempting to plan a.<BR>H says he doesn't know what he wants, but also won't work on the marriage.

H and I met in SC in January 1998. He was involved with another woman (which I did not find out about until moving to WA state, and it was long over.) Typical fun beginning while dating, although after 6 weeks, he slept with my best friend. Forgave him since we hadn't "committed", beat up ex-best-friend and haven't spoken to her since.<P>We fell in love, and I got pregnant in July of 1998. We moved to WA state to handle my late father's estate in August 1998. His alcoholism reared it's ugly head in full force at this time up until June 1999. I was able to confirm one EA/PA from that time before we were married w/a co-worker. She wanted him to leave me and be with her so that she wouldn't have to live with her parents anymore (she was a 22-year-old divorcee, drug addict, bisexual, with numerous warrants for her arrest in King County). When he came home from the bars, I would find numerous phone numbers in his pants. I suspect another possible EA/PA with a bartender at his local dive. He claims that our upcoming wedding (August 1999) and his nervousness about becoming a father triggered the EA/PA with the Skanky, Loose, Ugly Tramp (whom we'll call SLUT for short!) EA/PA with SLUT lasted from (approx) February to June. Our son was born in March. Official D-day for this affair was November 19, after finding a videotape of SLUT playing with our son in our apartment, and calling her saying I had an STD (I didn't, but I was sure enough of their A to take the gamble to trap her.)<P>H calmed down with drinking after our marriage - things were going well until my business trip to Dallas, Texas in August of 2000. He was back out at the bars every night, he claimed he was at a friend's house, but when I called that friend from Dallas, he had no idea what I was talking about. I came home, did some investigating, and learned that he had been out with a woman named Tina (she said he took her for a walk on the beach by our house - he says they just "talked" on the tailgate of his truck). Tina wouldn't admit to PA, but says that "something" happened between him and a woman named Cassandra one night. H denied Cassandra's existence, then later said that she tried to pick him up, he said that he wasn't interested, and that was that.<P>That wasn't good enough for me, so I packed my bags and S and I moved in with my mother. H has A with the Roseanne Barr lookalike (he says they came close to sleeping together but didn't, yeah, okay!) I went out on a couple of dates with another man, they got a little physical, but we didn't sleep together. H and I reconciled after a couple of weeks, but the damage was already done.<P>We've been okay ever since. We're closer than we have been in a long time (due to my Plan Aing), but we're still not as "intimate" as I would like. But things are hopefully looking up now.

Our Story…<P>I'll divide this up into two sections, <B>History</B> and <B>Recent</B>.<P><B>History</B><P>We met in Sept., 1988. She was engaged to a guy who was over seas at the time. I knew about her engagement and didn't pursue her (although I <I>was</I> very attracted to her). But she started hanging out with my college crowd and without trying, we fell in love (meeting alone for long wonderful conversations, and yes a kiss or two). He came home in December of that year. I thought she was trying to decide between the two of us. I told her at that time that I cared for her, but had only known her for a few months. I wasn't ready to propose marriage. I told her that I thought she needed to decide what she wanted (or didn't want) in her relationship with the other guy, and if that decision was that he wasn't for her, we could date and see where our relationship led. But she should address that relationship first. She decided to go with the other guy and they were married in Oct. of '99.<P>We remained friends, but didn't see each other much after their wedding (which I sang in, go figure). After a year, they split up and we started dating. We were married in '93.<P>We had 2 beautiful girls in the first 3 years of marriage. Around year 5 I was going along happy as a lark. That's when she first told me that there were problems. She said she hadn't been happy for a few years. I was floored. I thought all was great. We started marriage counseling. I tried to change some of the things she had problems with (or at least the things I was willing to see in myself) like my weight/health, my domestic support (taking care of the house and such) and my attention to her. I feel like I made big strides, but it wasn't enough. She had a secret relationship with the male side of a couple we were becoming good friends with. No sex, but meeting in secret, kissing, that sort of thing. It goes deeper than that and I clearly played a big part in helping that to happen, but I spare y'all the details. Just note that I really screwed up. I should have seen this coming and could have made the situation better, but I was stupid and wasn't thinking in the best interest of my wife and my marriage. At one point, she decided to move out (on her own). We called it a trial separation. She made arrangements for an apartment and even drove to her sister's place (a few hours away) to pick up a bed she bought from her. When she got home from that trip, she had a change of heart. The girls and I had decorated the house for Halloween, and when she pulled up to the house and saw all of the decorations, she says she got an overwhelming feeling of home. That night, just after we went to bed, she told me she wanted to stay (another great chance for me to fix me, but I didn't). God am I kicking myself. <P>We continued in marriage counseling for a while, but didn't put anywhere near the effort that was needed (extra time, reading self help/marriage books, using the new communication tools and so on). Things were better, but not where they needed to be.<P><B>Recent</B><P>About a year or two ago, she met a guy on the internet (he's on one side of the country, we're on the other). She was looking for a photographer who could give her some ideas on how to get into that business. It quickly became a good friendship. Early last year she said he wanted to come out to meet <I>us</I>. I was reluctant (in fact it scared the hell out of me, but I didn't do a very good job of letting her know that), but I didn't want to deprive her of a friendship. He's been out here a couple of times, we've been out there a couple of times. When we first went out there, he offered to shoot some pictures of her. All was fine until he asked me to run upstairs to get something. When I came back, I sensed that something had happened. Later that night I asked what had happened. She said that she offered him a hug, and he kissed her. She said she backed him off right away. I wanted her to end the relationship. She told me that it was a one time, little thing. She also told me how important their friendship was to both of them and that she thought it would be unfair to end her friendship with him over one little kiss that meant nothing. I told her I'd do my best to support/allow her friendship (which I never was able to do) but that I didn't want them to ever spend time alone together. She seemed to reluctantly agree. I now believe that she's in and "emotional affair" with him. I don't believe they've gone physical (I could be wrong), but I do believe that she's getting her emotional needs met by him. And I now know that if I had been better at meeting her ENs, we'd be a lot happier and her relationship with him may have never happened.<P>We'd been going along in a so/so relationship until about mid 2000. She started going farther and farther into withdraw. She started seeing a counselor around summer time (times and dates may be off, my memory sucks which is one of the things I have to work on for her...and me). The only thing she'd tell me about her counseling was that she was working on herself, not our marriage. In Oct. we went out to his part of the country a wedding at which he was the photographer. I made an [censored] of myself. I was very withdrawn and acted like a spoiled brat (big time LBing). Then in December, the sh-t hit the fan (it really hit well before that, but now it was hitting me). She told me that she was going to spend the New Year's weekend with the OM (at his house on the other side of the country). I found the MB site on December 11th and have been in Plan A ever since.<P>I have had the opportunity to meet with her counselor. She seems to be a great lady. She told me that she believes in marriage and thinks there's plenty for my W and I to build on. She's asked my W to bring me in several times, but my W says she's not ready for that yet.<P>So, for now, I'm in Plan A. I've learned a lot about how I've contributed to the situation we're in. I didn't see that before. All I saw was a confused, selfish wife. Now I see that I've been just as, if not more, selfish, and lazy, and apathetic. I'm fixing all of that. It's not easy. My problem has always been that I don't want to find anything <I>wrong</I> with me. Well guess what! I'm somewhat screwed up. Don't get me wrong. I really believe that I'm a good guy. I'm proud of the changes I have been able to make and I don't blame myself for <I>all</I> of our problems. But I finally understand that I need work...and help and that I do hold a ton of the responsibility for my beautiful wife's unhappiness. She deserves better. My hope is that by taking a long hard look at myself, by listening to her, really understanding how I've hurt her, and changing my behavior and treatment of her, we can get to work on our marriage. I <B>truly</B> believe that if she'll take a chance (she's told me that the reason for her withdraw from me is that she doesn't want to get hurt again, I don't blame her) we can have the most amazing marriage in the world.<P>Best to all,<BR>------------------<BR>Bill<BR>~~~~<BR>Remember the truth that once was spoken, "To love another person is to see the face of God."<p>[This message has been edited by wld (edited January 22, 2001).]

Female married 23 years.<P>Wow I dont even know how to describe this mess in words. I guess I will give the cliff notes. Husband had affair with friend. Lied , lied and lied forever. Her daughter told me the gritty truth in November. Affair ended long before I knew it was so. My husband is remorseful, humiliated, hates what he has done. Wanted to take it to his grave. I am angry, hurt, bewildered and going threw pretty much what everyone else here is dealing with. Giving my self time to pull myself together and be sane before i make decisions.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by NSR:<BR>[B][/B]<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I am 42 and my H od 42 has a lover of 32 for a year and a half (she has never been married, is well known for having more lovers, abortions and caused some marriage brakes; and WE were first to each other, ).<BR> At the beginning (October 1999) we tried with counceling but it failed. <BR>In July 2000 he bought me and my younger D (11) a new appartment and he and our older D (18) stayed in our family house. Until then we are separated ( in fact he moved on another floor of our family house in March) and we devided our financial matters but he doesn't fill for divorce. <BR>He started to constantly live with his lover(he moved her into his house and she cancelled her rented apartment) and older D 5 months ago-Sept 2000 ( till then he slept every night in his house even when i was out). <BR>He picks our younger D every weekend but they hate each other (D and OW). I am the whole year desperate and I only want him back to restore the family, I still love him so much, I am ready to forgive him everything only to come back. But he non-stop repeats he would never be back, he doesn't love me for more than 10 years, I didn't show him love for a long time, I was not enough interested in sex... and that he would soon fil for divorce., what I am terrible afraid. I already had an suicide attempt. <BR>I have lost 60 pounds and to be honest I am now quite a good (not as she) looking., but my life has no sence any more. <BR> My H is so ocuupated with the OW so she is even more important to him than our YD, and he is so long in that affair so I can't see the hope for me that he would be back to me: old, not so attractive, too much educated (MD, PhD) and obviously not enough good and gentle and nice in every sence (especially sex) for him. Even my OD refuses contact with me, she much more likes OW, cause she is more fun, does not control her, leave her freedom to do what she wants...<BR>During this winter holidays he, OW and YD went skiing, and my OD spent some days with me and we finally became friends and all the misunderstanding disappeared. It seems he doesn't like that change.<BR>How can I become interesting for him? I can't accept he left me forever <BR>How to explain that he invited OW's parents into his house , and went to Christmas dinner to them? Is that a clear sign that he sees nop future with me. First he was worried with OW past but now it seems it doesn't matter him, nor the fact that half of our town has passed "through her".<BR>Have you some smart advice or some good experience? I'll do anything to let him know that I can forgive and want a new better start, we both did a lot of mistakes , ran into business but evrything he made (the largest company in our county, the house) that we made TOGETHER started from zero, and now she enjoys. But I don't care about money i love him, I want restore my family what I lived for.<P><BR>

American Female, age 36, possible betrayed, definitely paranoid....<P>love my H so very much, but am so frightened of being betrayed...<P>H had placed a personal ad on the Internet a few months after we married. I had thought at the time that he was happy with me. In fact, his ad stated that he was "happily married" but wanted cyber/e-mail sex with "a special Lady" to fulfill his "Darker Side."<P>In hindsight, he did tell me while we were dating that there were "things about him I would never get to know." BUT, he was so kind to me...so uplifting, so intellectual, so caring...<P>D-day was July, 1999. I followed a hunch and hacked into his hotmail account, which contained a direct link to his ad.<P>We had a huge blowout fight. I threatened divorce. He went to a counselor for one visit. The C told him that he did nothing wrong, and that <I>my continual depressions</I> were more of a problem. <P>Once I heard that, I felt relief...Now I knew who the real problem was...it was me. I shaped up, bigtime. Things were great between us again. I quit snooping and got on with my life. <P>Then, a few months ago, I heard him call me by another woman's name in bed. A few weeks later, I found a pic of him with an longtime lady friend, hidden in his car repair manual. I kept finding little things, like xmas cards in his nightstand, long curly blonde hairs in his clothing and in his car, and a woman's name and phone # stuck in a book. Not all of these findings were discovered through snooping; I just happened upon them while going about daily business. None of the findings appear to be related, yet in my mind, the fear and depression are building up to an intense level.<P>My H admits to hiding <B>anything</B> that he thinks might trigger a depressive and/or accusatory reaction in me. To some extent, I can see why he feels that way. But I wish he were less self-protective. Because now I have very little trust in him, and my paranoia is running rampant.<P>We're at an impasse now, communication-wise. <P>In fact, when I question ("interrogate") him, I really don't even want to hear the answer. I explain it away myself. <P>I know these issues are small potatoes compared to what many of you are experiencing right now. But I can relate to severe betrayal, and I am highly sensitive to it because of my history. (My first H physically abandoned our YD and I after 8 years of marriage to be with another woman, the first in a loooong string of women. For months before he left, he would stay out all night every weekend drinking, drugging and who knows what else. Every subsequent relationship for me was characterized by betrayal and lies of a significant nature.)<P>I am trying to figure out why I attract this kind of pain, and trying to quit dwelling on it. Or is it some form of double-bind communication that is bringing on the pain....I don't know how to find out the truth, and am probably too afraid to find out anyway.<P>Lately I'm addicted to this board and another similar board (spending two to three hours per day) which I'm afraid isn't helping my mental state. <P>I know I need to get out in the sunshine, lose some weight, make some friends, be a better mom, develop a relationship with God, and <B>appreciate my H for all of his fine qualities.</B> <P>Thanks for reading.

I've been married 16 years, with two sons, 11 & 5. Like most marriages, ours has had good and bad. I think we were basically two needy people who found each other. My upbringing left me depressed and very insecure in relationships, hers was very abusive and left her with a lot of problems also.<P>Over time, as I experienced her anger and problems which I could not help her with, I emotionally withdrew. I wasn't totally aware of it, and I now realize I was unwittingly also following patterns from my FOO.<P>More recently, we also had a lot of conflict related to my desire to change careers (from accounting). At the time I was working full time and taking night classes, planning to apply to graduate school in Computer Engineering. Eventually, I concluded that it was better to seek certification as an MCSE (Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer), as it could be done much more quickly and offered similarly strong career prospects. That's what I'm doing now, with a completion date around the end of March.<P>Anyway, my wife wound up having an EA which became a PA about a year ago with someone where she was working, and told me almost immediately after it became physical. I Plan A'd, and over a few months won her love back. Eventually, she came to me in tears, said she had fallen back in love with me and didn't want to lose me, but had to come clean in that the A had continued intermittantly for several months after she first told me. At this time I had also felt that I was beginning to reconnect emotionally with her.<P>Shortly thereafter, she had a manic episode which required her to stay in a mental hospital for a week (appeared to be Bipolar I, if you know about bipolar disorder. It's what was formerly called manic depressive illness). My interpretation now is that she's probably Bipolar II, the less severe one, but taking Paxil sent her into a mildly manic state when she had her affair (we didn't suspect Bipolar at the time). Later, she had quit the Paxil without consulting her doctor, then started taking the Paxil again and had the full blown bipolar episode. She had also had an episode with paranoia and loss of contact with reality about 10 years before, which we had attributed to PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder). <P>Basically, in the 6 months or so since her hospitalization, she spends much of her time away from work in bed, depressed, and often makes little or no effort to relate to me or the kids. This is not entirely new, she's done this before at times. I have sympathy for her, but am frustrated by her passivity with regard to changing and getting better. She does take both an antidepressant (recently switched back to Paxil) and another medicine (Depakote) to combant manic tendancies.<P>Eventually, try as I might, I began to feel withdrawn emotionally. I feel that I've basically gone through a mourning period over the "loss" of my marriage twice now, once when I found out about her affair, and again in the last few months. I think I also finally allowed myself in the last year or so to feel the pain from the problems throughout my marriage.<P>I came to the point of questioning how well we were really suited for each other in the first place, whether she would ever make the effort to get well, and just wanting out. However, I wanted to have done all I could before making such a decision final, so I kept trying. I'd try to meet some of her needs when she let me, and let her do the same for me when she would, in the hope of turning things around. I eventually was fairly bluntly honest with her about what I was feeling, and she does seem recently to be making some effort to change.<P>I want more than anything to have the kind of passionate, deep connection with a spouse that I now know is possible, and I know that I won't be satisfied to stay indefinitely in a relationship if I don't think it possible to eventually get there.<P>The next six months to a year will likely be decisive.<P>Steve<P><p>[This message has been edited by StillHers (edited February 18, 2001).]

Married 5 years, three children (sd/7, d/3, s/1)<BR>H had EMA with OW at work. lasted 3 months I confronted, he admitted, wanted to stay here. I agreed. we went to counsling he stayed at his job. three weeks of no OW then he was back at it for 3 months. I threw him out, he begged to stay. I let him. agreed to tell counselor and told me more about it. <P>two went by and he was still calling her. He has once again begged to stay. I let him because there was no sex involved. claimed he was having a hard time letting go. <P>Our counselor basically gave up on us. said until H was willing to talk and open up it was useless. I have my own counselor. He will not go to one. we now have no marriage counselor. I am on Plan A and have read "surviving the affair" <P>He is talking alittle more to me, but only if I bring it up first. I am sad. His shift was changed and now instead of just seeing her for 10 minutes every day he will be working with her on thrid shift. I AM SCARED. <P>not sure what is going to happen. I wish he would read more here or go talk with someone. Hope it gets better.<P>

-45 yo female married X 10 years- divorced<BR>-In monogomous relationship X 14 years<BR>-3 teenagers (arrgh)LOL- little support from X<BR>-SO confessed 8 month- 2 year affair 12/18/2000. <BR>(I had just finished reading Harley's Affair book and Emotional Needs book as so many patients were coming in and in pieces over infidelity!) Started Plan A within minutes of the confession!<BR>-SO(60yo divorced)in fog and on fence until Feb 4 when I returned his things and went to plan B.<BR>-SO ended A with OW (37yo, married twice, 2 kids/partial custody)48 hours after plan B,<BR>-we entered recovery 2/11/01.<BR>-false recovery realized 1 week later; continued plan A<BR>-Plan C- like a plan B accept I would see him from timt to time..when I did, I was in plan A mode.<BR>-True recovery and nocontact started 4/9/01<BR>-Before the A, we had always had a relationship that was at least a 6 on a 1-10 scale. Hit a few 2's but mostly in the 7-9 range. We both want a 10!! I think we're lucky that we're older then most people on this forum and don't expect so much perfection, but appreciate efforts. Before, our previous marriages have kept us from making that final commitment, but now we are both wanting to work towards that. I gave him the 4 rules for successful marriage last night (something I would never have done in past) and he actually teared up and said that's what he's been waiting for his whole life..he just didn't know he already had it).<P>8/25/01- update. Things are wonderful, but I will stress that it can be done with a partner who was initially very skeptical and unwilling to read, see a MC, or do much more than request that we push it all in the past. Example is the best teacher. Be the person you would like to be married to. Instead of fixing him, fix yourself.<p>[This message has been edited by Twyla (edited August 27, 2001).]

Well, I've been on this site for almost 6 months, and haven't gotten around to posting my story. I guess it's about time! Better get a BIG cup o java first tho, and settle in, cuz its long!! <P>I met my husband in 1986, our first week of college together. We dated (semi-engaged) 4 years (much of it long distance) and did not have sex because we were waiting for marriage. This fell to pieces when in 1989 he had sex with someone he met through his friends. <P>I decided to break up with him, he begged me not to leave and I stayed. He quit college, joined the Navy, and asked me to marry him as quickly as possible. We were married in Sept 1990.<P>His betrayal prior to our marriage caused us a lot of problems, mostly because I was expected to 'get over it' and he was tired of listening to me cry over it. If only I had known about the Harley's back then!! <P>Due to sexual problems as a result, his heavy drinking (I didn't know then that he was an alcoholic), and his long absences due to deployments, our relationship suffered a complete breakdown. I was miserable - in fact I can't ever remember being happy or fulfilled in our marriage - I seem to have always been waiting for some event or another to occur so we could start working on our marriage.<P>Money was always a problem. He spent more than we earned and I resented him for it. Much of his money was spent on booze. When I started tallying up the liquor purchases, I was able to add up $100 or more a month, NOT counting bar and restaurant tabs.<P>There may have been one night stands with prostitutes while he was on deployment overseas - at least my gut tells me that there was. I don't know. There was also another possible EA/PA with a woman in his squadron - he called me one night from Japan, hysterically in tears because she had aborted a baby (his?) that my H had asked me only a few days before if I would consider adopting with him.<P>We had 2 children early on, our oldest son born in 91, and the second son in 93. <P>He left the Navy in 95, and 4 months later, after we moved from the West Coast back to NJ to be near his family, I had a complete breakdown into depression. I don't mean the blues...I mean seriously dysfunctional, unable to carry on conversations with people, etc.<P>Unfortunately, my husband reacted by throwing himself into work, coming home in the evenings, locking himself in his office with a bottle of wine or whisky, and downloaded porn or played video games.<P>I wandered the internet til 5 or 6am most nights, slept a few hours, and got back up to spend the day on the computer. My internet life was more "real" and comforting than my real life, and I couldn't face reality.<P>I do believe that there was at least one EA during this time. A former co-worker of my H's was constantly calling and lying to me about who she was and what she wanted with my husband. It ended when I called her and told her to leave my H alone.<P>No one intervened - my inlaws thought I was lazy, my H's friends encouraged him to dump me and move on...no one thought to find out what was wrong...<P>Our children were so seriously neglected that had social services been alerted, they would have taken them from us. It was awful. <P>One day, I finally hit bottom. I woke up and realized that I wanted to die. If my H had been a responsible and good father, maybe I would have killed myself. But he wasn't. He was horrible to them, and horrible to me, and I didn't know who would care for them. So I made a decision to get better. But I didn't know how. But just the act of deciding meant that things started improving.<P>I got on anti-depressants, started to feel better, then my 19 year old sister died in a hiking accident. My H lost a $250k a year contract with a major firm in the area, due to a merger. The next year was hell, because he went to work at a job that turned to a nightmare, and I was struggling with my depression and grief over my sister. We turned in on each other, ripping each other to shreds rather than supporting each other.<P>It was then that I picked up a book called "Codependent NoMore" and read about myself on every page. I called my mom and said, "Mom, I think I'm married to an alcoholic." And to which she replied, "I've wondered that, and I'm just learning about alcoholism myself because MY dad was one, and I'm learning that me and your dad may have passed on those dysfuncions to you." <P>I took the kids and fled to WA state to live with my parents for the summer of 98. At my mother's suggestion, I started Al-Anon (thank you God) and also started therapy.<P>At the end of the summer I decided to go home and try to save my marriage. We did do some joint counseling which went no where. Unfortunately, things devolved into my struggling to work on myself and keep house and deal with all of the issues surrounding my neglect of everything and nonstop fights with my husband who resented my Al-Anon meetings and felt outraged that I thought he was an alcoholic. I slept on the couch most nights because I couldn't bear to be touched by him - because most nights I'd catch him downloading porn and masturbating. This wasn't an occaisional thing...it was an every day thing.<P>Finally, I was ready to separate. I told him I was moving out with the kids, and he begged me to instead help him to buy a house, and that if I did, he would go to counseling with me and we would put our marriage first. <P>With this promise, I threw myself into getting us moved and getting our first 'owned' home set up. We moved in Sept 99. For the first time in our marriage I could paint, fix, decorate, and no one stood by telling me not to waste my money on a rental!! <P>Sept, Oct, and then November went by. I wanted to start counseling. My H started disappearing every weekend. I cried, I threatened, I pleaded, I did everything I could think of to get him to stay home. He refused. The porn continued, the drinking continued, the spending continued.<P>I began to work very hard on my 12-step program at this point. I began trying to learn to detach, to be kind to my H, and to let him go. I started looking very hard at my own contributions to the mess of our marriage, and I started trying to correct my faults. In MB terms, I was doing a plan A.<P>In January I began to realize he was probably having an affair. I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. I worked on me. At the end of the month, he disappeared with our son for an entire day. That night he walked into the house, son standing there, and announced "I got an apartment". <P>The next day, our very upset 8 year old told me that he had a new best friend but Papa told him not to tell me about it. I sat my son down and said "sweetie, any time you are told to lie to me - thats when it's most important to come tell me!"<P>His new best friend was the son of a nice woman that he and papa spent the day with and went to dinner with.<P>Well, all hell broke lose, but they were 'just friends'. So much for my plan A!! (I didnt know about MB yet). A week later I found a cell phone message from this woman gushing "Hi Babe, your wallet fell out of your pants"...<P>So in Feb, after 9 years of sheer hell, I told my H that he had to move out until he got help for his problems. I wanted him to go to therapy, go to parenting classes, and to pull his act together. I told him that he was destroying me and the kids, and I couldn't let that go on anymore. I told him that he could come home when he had gotten help.<P>But I didn't know that on the other side...his OW was encouraging him to move out and move on with his life.<P>Regardless, we spent the next month before his move date at peace with each other. I let go of my anger and resentments - and just tried to love him. We spent many hours together watching moves, smoking cigars together, and just having fun. We had the very best sex of our entire marriage that month. <P>He moved out on March 1st, 2000. On March 14th, I discovered that I was pregnant! On March 19th, after standing me and the kids up on his birthday, he told me that our marriage was over and he had no intention of getting help - that I was the crazy one, and that he was incredibly happy now that he was away from me. I was also accused of lying about my pregnancy to manipulate him (he was in the bathroom when I took the test, but I supposedly used sleight of hand to pour my pregnant SIL's urine on the tester!).<P>It wasn't until mid-April that I discovered hard proof of his affair. We had yet another riproaring fight. In May I took him with me to the OBGYN so he could hear the baby's heartbeat. No more accusations of lying - now I was told that I had gotten pregnant to trap him.<P>During these months I struggled with my Al-Anon sponsor to learn to detach, to let go, and to treat him with respect whenever I saw him.<P>In June after dealing with his threats to take me to court to allow him to see the kids at the OW's house...I told him that I was filing for divorce. That I could not be married while he was with another woman. He said fine. 2 weeks later he came and told me that he had broken it off with the OW, and that would I please hold off on the divorce until after the baby was born. He wasn't asking to reconcile, he just wanted to find a way to have a friendship with me, help me through the rest of the pregnancy, and to learn to be a better dad.<P>I agreed, with the condition that there were NO other women, no dating, no girlfriends. I told him I could not tolerate being married to him for any longer any other way.<P>A month went by peaceably....until he diseappeared for 4 days and I discovered that he had taken the OW to Cape Cod. The next week I discovered emails at his office that detailed the OW's plan for his divorce of me. It outlined for him how to hide his income from me, how to get the kids away...etc.<P>I cut contact with my H immediately. On August 26, I retained a lawyer. On Sept 6 I turned in my paperwork. On Sept 13th, I signed my divorce complaint. On Sept 15th (our 10 year anniversary) I ended up with severe nerve damage in my back and left leg as a complication with my pregnancy. I was forced to call my H for emergency help from the hospital.<P>And at that point, I had no choice but to accept his help. I was disabled, in severe pain, and had 2 months to go in my pregnancy. We called a truce. <P>He came almost every night to help me with the kids (sorta). We agreed to disagree on everything else and to refrain from discussions.<P>We got along very well...he swore that he had broken off with the OW again because of her objections to his helping me. With the understanding that she was out of his life (she was an OB nurse, and I had found out that he was telling her details of my pregnancy), I allowed him to be present at the birth of our daughter.<P>I found out much later that this was a lie. He called her the very next day.<P>Anyway, (gawd this is getting long-winded) he continued being very involved in our lives (me and the kids) coming home almost everynight to sleep in my bed with the baby. In December, as I started recovering, we started to talk about possibly reconciling. It was then that I found MBs, and I asked him to read the basic concepts. I asked him, "If you could be convinced that we could be happy together, would you stay?" And he said, "Yes, absolutely." He agreed to try MB, and told me to go ahead and make an appt with Steve Harley. <P>And the very next day...I got a phone call from a co-worker of his, looking for "ow". He'd just started a brand new job as VP at a new company, and no one knew about his marital status. I discovered from this co-worker that my H had taken his OW to the company Christmas party. The co-worker was completely embarrassed, not knowing that my H was married, and was just wanting to return some items that the OW had left at the party. I had asked my H to take me to this party, and he had sworn spouses werent allowed. <P>So yet again, I immediately cut contact. He responded by storming my answering machine with pleas. He called his mother in desperation and told her that the last few months had been wonderful and he didnt want to lose his family. He told me on the answering machine that he realized that he loved me, he wanted our marriage and that he would do whatever it took, including going to AA. He apologized over and over for his stupidity with OW, and promised no contact.<P>Recovery - so I thought. But the backpedalling happened within 24 hours. He refused to go to AA, told me he'd work on the marriage but that he didn't need AA. So I gave in, I was so desperate for my marriage to survive.... We kept our appt with Steve Harley. I started plan Aing and trying to follow Steve's advice and doing whatever i saw in the MB books that applied to my situation.<P>3 months went by, he quit seeing Steve, and things deteriorated btwn us. Lies and disappearances started occuring. Steve told me in January to go to Plan B, but I didnt have the courage to do it. But I pondered it daily. I worked on a plan B letter, and worked on trying to fix myself. I wrote my H a long heartfelt apology for all of the terrible things I had done to him during our marriage. He later told me that all of my Plan A, my apology, my love letters, my admiration, my openness to him sexually, was all a giant manipulation.<P>I started praying about Plan B. I asked God to send me a sign. The next day I found a message on my answering machine of him driving a giggling woman home at 1am. He swore he was just helping a woman with a broken down car. I cut contact after sending him my plan B letter. Plan B lasted all of one week. He fought it hard too. He finally showed up at the house, and swore that I had "won", he really wanted to commit now, etc - but still, the refusal to go to AA.<P>I told him I'd have to think about his promises, because I was really exhausted and not ready to get back on the roller coaster. During those next couple of days, I prayed and thought. A week later, he was still saying that he'd give me everything I wanted...and so I really started to give in...BUT, I went to his work to get some money from him. In his car, I found an email detailing his arrangements for a date with a woman, the same night I had gotten that voicemail. I confronted him, and he swore that he had done nothing wrong because there was no emotional attachment with her and he had never emotionally reconnected with me. Huh!?!<P>Again he swore he was ready to commit. I called Steve Harley and told him this latest development, and Steve told me that my marriage was over. That he could only recommend that I re-open my divorce to protect myself legally. Steve stayed on the phone with me late into the night that night - he's really a fantastic man and marriage coach. There was nothing to be done, unless my husband got treated for alcoholism - and Steve told me that even if my H started immediately into AA that my H would make so many mistakes, and do so much more damage to me, that our marriage wouldnt have a chance. At this point, I knew in my heart that Steve was right, but I didn't want to accept it.<P>I threw out plan A then, and love busted big time. I broke into his cell phone account, started pouring over the records. I started contacting women, and discovered 3 different women he had dated while we were 'in recovery'. He HAD kept his word about the OW, her number wasn't on there. After I confirmed woman #3, I stopped checking. I'm sure I would have discovered others. I was just too sick to my stomach.<P>I called my lawyer and had my H served. It's really over. I'm actually at peace with my decision.<P>I love my H with all my heart. I really do. But I also know that I can not be married to him like this, and the work I have done with Al-Anon, MB and Steve Harley have taught me what marriage and love and relationships are really about. I never had a real marriage at any point in time. <P>I pray for my husband every night with our children. I hope I can navigate through this divorce without making too many mistakes. I haven't kept up the plan B - I'm really at the point in acceptance that I can see my H, and not be too upset. I'm calm and at peace.