Well, yesterday at 4pm after spending the whole day moping around and thinking...Gosh sometimes thinking can be so destructive...I decided that I need to redirect my energies into something more positive.<BR>Surprisingly my creativity seems intact and I was able to sit and write another song.<BR>I have decided I am not going to be afraid of failure anymore.<BR>I am going to channel my creativity in positive ways.<BR>I have contacted a mutual friend who plays guitar and hopefully he will help me with recording some of my better songs and then I am going to approach some publishers.<BR>Heck....they will probably get rejected ( have done so before) but I will have fun anyway in the process and if all I get out of it is a couple of good polished recordings well so be it.<P>Last night was good for us. We talked a little...without argument, and we made love until 2 am ...YIKES !<P>That "bad" feeling about all of this happening..the big "wake up" call is beginning to subside a little.<BR>I have moments still where I feel scared...I have flashbacks to feelings from ten years ago. Actually that happened while we were making love last night... but as quickly as the thought came, it went again.<BR>I am trying to focus on the here and now and also the future.<BR>It is pointless dwelling on past hurts.<BR>So yes, today I feel GOOD and I am going to lap that up....seize the moment, the day

Hello desertrose,<P>I had a good day too. Even though he told me that last Thursday the OW left a message on his voicemail at work. Of course too early in the morning for him to be at work. But she is playing games, he said she said basically that she hope his relationship was going fine and that if he ever wanted to know anything about the OC to just call. He said he did not call, and really is having doubts about the OC being his because of a couple of things that were said and actions that he remebered by the OW. He said unless a paternity test is done, No call or contact.<P>I did ask if he had any desire or thoughts of the OC. He said No. I asked him if down the line he would would he tell me, he said yes. <P>Besides all this we been having good holiday times. We were at his grandmothers. <P>Today he is picking up his kids from another marriage and heading down to his mothers for the day and said they will stay down there tonight to spend some time.<P>Why is it I worry so much? I also am tired for being scared and on pins and needles. Why? I try to channel into other things, becaue too much time on hands give to too much thought. I thought maybe joining a jazzercise group. I like to dance and might as well get good exercise. <P>He staying away tonight is scary.<P>I going to go to the movies tonight with my daughters and a couple of their friends, this will preoccupied for a bit, what about tonight laying in bed all alone? Lonely already<P>Any words of encouragement will help, you seem to headed in a positive directions.<P>Thanks

Any words of encouragement will help, you seem to headed in a positive directions.<P>So do you <P>I think a good place to start is with yourself.<BR>What I did was to go straight out and have my hair changed. Used to always be brunette and now I am almost blonde. It makes me feel good to look different. Also I have been buying a whole bunch of new clothes which make me feel younger and more in style.<BR>( in the past I just spent all the money on the kids and forgot about me.)<BR>It is nice to get a few "looks" from people now...kind of boosts the ego which is very important (I think) in a situation like this.<BR>Perhaps you could try this too...A new look, a new start...<BR>And yes you should also find ways to keep yourself busy and focused.<BR>What are your hobbies, interests? <BR>An exercise regime, sure...It will help you burn off all that energy that you are feeling...Just do things that make you feel good about YOU. You deserve it !<P>Good luck....glad to hear your H is beginning to see the light as far as the OW is concerned.<BR> <P>