I just wanted to let all of you who have been so supportive that my H and I had a really good weekend. I think that we will get through this afterall. He and I are both feeling much more positive today. The OW called him this morning to ask how things were and he told her never to call again and he immediately called to tell me that she contacted him. I take that as a good sign. Hope you are all doing well.<P>Window

The celphone is the clincher...my regular telephone bills kept "disappearing" or as one person said, "certain pages" from a bill would be gone. The more I looked, the madder my husband would get with me. He, too, was in denial. We were actually at a marriage counselor and when I confronted him that I thought he was having an affair, he countered with the, "mothering" and I was trying to control his time and place too much. So, check this out...the marriage counselor convinced me to "let him go"...and he promptly set up a "camping trip" where there would be no phone and he wouldn't even tell me where he was going...and, yup...met woman number three. I started searching the computer and found a secret e-mail. I couldn't get into it because I didn't know the password, but, I e-mailed him from our regular family mail box and let him know that I "knew" that one exhisted. Things to point out an affair...the obvious is the frequent calls to someone of the opposite sex, unexplained times away from home, WEIGHT LOSS...big clue, diarreah or nervous stomach as they stay both excited by what they are doing and somewhat afraid of being found out, new clothes...my husband kept his hidden in the toolbox of his truck. When I went to work, he'd bring them in and wash them between visits to his "honey". I found where he had gone to the bank and gotten a signature loan for cash to pay for the motels without leaving a paper trail. Gas receipts in our case going to a city three hours from here. ( You may see a pattern of a gas receipt in an area over and over that you haven't noticed before...compare newer bills with older bills, phone card where calls are made from the home phone, a secret Visa for when he 'needed' it. He treated me the same for a while, but, later, when he "fell in love"...well, he started fights with me. After I started acusing him, well, he got extremely defensive and Lord, could he make up some whoppers as to answer so many different things...including a motel bill that I found!!( What's my sign...dumber than dumb!!!) Our denial is so great that we'll believe anything they tell us. Don't let him bull**** you...70+ calls in Jan and calls on your anniversary and your birthday...that isn't just a friend...that is someone that he can't stop talking to even for something as special as your birthday and anniversary. Mine forgot my a birthday and Mother's Day too!!! Needless to say, we skipped our anniversary that year!!! It's awful, it takes you to the darkest place you'll ever go in your life. But, the good news is if he wants to change and come clean ( mine took three solid years to come totally clean about all of the affairs! )the marriage can be saved and end up even better than ever before. Good luck...do as others said. READ. Another good book is "Patterns of Infidelity and Their Treatments"...goes to the heart of the types of affairs and why they happen and how to deal with a specific type and how to prevent them in the future.

Cheatedonin98<P>Yes, I can too relate to calls to another woman on "special days". I am glad you were able to get through your ordeal. I know on my part my husband is going to have make many sacrafices, changes, on his part to keep this marriage alive. The first and most important, not leaving town without me. I have to be honest, I don't think he can do it. At least I know I gave it 100%. If I can forgive an affair that lasted 4 months and threw me to the pits of hell, he can put me first and foremost in his life. If not, well I tried.

Total agreement with Ifeelstupid. If there is no PA yet, it is an EA. I think these men feel that it is harmless and no big deal and call these OWs "friends". Ask him how he would feel if you had a "friend" who said this stuff to you?

We live in the same town as the OW, so there wouldn't be long distance bills to her or odd gas bills. She called him yesterday at work to ask how things were going with me. He told her that we were working things out and to please never call or contact him again. He called me immediately after that. He went through the new cell phone bill with me last night and answered every one of my questions. I found the initial messages from her on Feb. 26 and there were no calls to her after that. When I told him then never to talk to her, he didn't (as far as I could tell on the cell bill). He fully admits at this point that it was an EA (although he said he never thought of it that way before), but not a PA. Our books "Surviving an Affair," and "His Needs, Her Needs" came yesterday. I am reading SAA first while he reads HNHN and then we are going to switch. Believe me, for him to read a book is big progress! That means he is willing to do anything! He doesn't like to read at all. Thanks for the advice. I am glad you have gotten through all of it with a better marriage. That is what I am praying for. Take care all, Window

Window,<P>You are just getting your big toe wet. NO ONE knows how deep it will get, but you have to get to the bottom of it. My biggest mistake was not pushing hard enough while the iron was hot. 74 calls a month is 2-3 calls a day. does he call you that much? That doesn't count calls from his office, pay phones, various phone around his place of work. Does he work with her? Are there inter office communications? Work email? Internet email accounts with anonymous names? Try redial on your home phone, just don't speak to the OW, just hang up. Men are men, sex is a need for us. It is NATURAL for us to want many women. That is why God gave us marriage. Without marriage the world would be chaos. We are still men though. I'm very glad you're reading SAA. I would suggest that you only let your H read it after you have left the withdrawal stage. And take the Extraordinary Precautions VERY SERIOUSLY. Either jump in with both feet or let the bubble get so big you cannot ignore it?<P>I will pray for you, good luck?!!

Invictus, how much sex, though? I know that is a need for men. I understand that. I do not deprive my H of it, though. For the past few months we have done it more than ever before in our marriage. I try to meet his needs. I pretty much comply whenever he wants. And no, I do not act like I am just complying.<P>They work on different floors now. He says that she does not have access to inter-work e-mail. He called her at such odd times of the day on the cell phone I don't know if he called her from home. It is definitely possible. For the most part I am home when he is (I am a stay at home Mom). There is just no way for me to monitor what he does at work. He is trying to get another job, though. I have told him that I would feel much more comfortable if he did. That bad thing is that he may need back surgery, in which case he needs to stay where he is for a while. <P>I realize how bad 74 calls is. It makes my stomach tighten into a knot every time I even think about it. He claims that he is not suffering from withdrawal. He says that he understands that it must have been emotional, but he has always maintained that she really is a BI*** and he does not miss her. What is so disconcerting for me is that no one believes his story. How can I make him admit more than he already has? I have told him that I will not leave if he tells me. He says that all he wants is for us to make our marriage work and that he loves me with all of his heart. Does our not leaving make our spouses respect us less, I wonder? <P>I have to get ready to take my little one to the dr for a well check. Thank you for the thoughts. Without hiring a detective (which there is no $ for) I don't see how I would know about him sneaking any more.<P>Take care,<BR>Window

Window:<BR>I know it's hard to accept, but everything you've written indicates that he's having an affair. My husband confessed to me and said he wanted to tell me but he knew it would hurt me. Well I had an inkling because he sent her email notes and then she sent him an email note from where he worked and I found it. I confronted him and he said he didn't know what it was about. I finally pushed and pushed until he spilled the beans one day. It hurt like hell but then I looked back. He robbed little bits of time after work when I was working and he had to pick up our kids. It was only 20 minutes here and there but enough for her to enjoy being with him. It went on for about a year. I can't believe I didn't see it happening. It's been over but I am so angry that when he was with her he would then come home to me and act as if nothing was wrong. Men are really good at hiding this type of thing. He never changed his behavior towards me. He tells me now because he loved me too. He was confused as to what he wanted. Well, he decided he want s to work on our marriage but I'm still scared it's continuing and how do I go on.....Do yourself a favor...SNOOPall you want. That's how I found the enote. Look at your cell phone bills and check out phone numbers. If you have a gut feeling, you're probably right. The woman my husband was involved with was even invited to our parties in our home....how about that!!! She even brought her husband with...... Both my husband and her never acted differently....Boy..was I stupid!!!