After Shock:<P>Thanks for the reply. I guess you're right about the clothes issue. It's just been hard for me to be the<BR>"perfect wife" if you know what I mean. I'm there totally<BR>for my girls but I feel my husband and I have many steps to take. I told him it's as if we're on a very narrow path<BR>as we walk through life together and that the path is so narrow that only two people can fit on the path....I told<BR>him there is no room for a "THIRD" person, meaning OW....<BR>He has agreed that's how it should be...but to be honest I feel as if we're strangers in a sense...This has really tore up our relationship. Why do they do such stupid things like this?? He has told me that he can see how much pain this has caused. Wow...and it's been 10 months for you. I guess in my heart I knew it wouldn't spring back real quick but I'm amazed at everyone who does this forum how long they're still trying to resolve everything. It's a nightmare...a war with yourself and what they're doing when they're away from us!!! Take care of yourself....<P>I had a bad night last night...starting crying and thinking about the two of them...It's really hard...but I'm trying so hard to move forward. God bless all of you and stay strong and try to move forward...but it is SOOOO hard.<P>SHOCKER17

Shocker 17 -<P>I know it is hard. I know you hurt inside. I was hurt several times in my teen years with boyfriends. Their cheating tore me up. The old pain haunts me. It is so uncanny how Dr. Spring, in After the Afair, sums those feelings up perfectly into awesome words. The words are so eloquent. I know how it feels to have your heart ripped out of you, your stomach churns, you can't sleep peacefully because your head and heart won't let you. Your anxiousness is not the "great tingle of being in love like you once were with your H.", it is the terrible anxiousness of ripping in two. You can't stand to see lovers (male & female) arm in arm, or hand in hand walking anywhere.<P>The idea haunts me - why doesn't the spouse ever consider how this will hurt? Don't they consider that they are deeply wounding the feelings of their wife (or husband) as the case may be? How can their euphoria of this A. scene be so estatic, that their tunnel vision barrels them right into the arms of another member of the opposite sex? Why is marriage an institution of Love, Honor, and Obey...death do us part? I love you and I want to be with you (for the rest of my life). I certainly would not have married my H. if I'd known he was going to go and do this - this wasn't what I'd bargained for. HOW DID I DESERVE THIS? I wanted someone who wanted to be with me, who wanted to love me, for myself. Someone to be my Best Friend. And to think how close my H. and I once were. I cry inside to get that close again. <P>Okay, so why can't they sit down, and talk about changing/mending until the ripping hurt is accomplished? I think it is the immaturity of people to flee instead of taking care of problems. Passages of Marriage is a good book. The spouse wants to be in First Love, they can't see how great Second or Third Love can be any greater. You know what - someday we are all going to be old (I'm not what you call old yet) and then what do you have? <P>Shocker - I did not start reading the relationship books until about November. After the Affair is a great one - it is really helping alot. I am in the same boat as you, I don't care what the house looks like. I can only do something if I care about it - so if I don't care - it just doesn't get done by me. This attitude comes and goes, when I am down, I am worse. If I am up, I am productive, and lots gets done. This is how I cope.<P>At first, I was (and he was too) on a terrible roller coaster, it was great highs, then crashing lows. It's not as bad now, its not deep wavy bands, just little wiggles. I think this is explained in What Wives Wish Their Husbands knew about Women (Dobson).<P>So, where does responsibility for happiness begin? I know I am unhappy right now. I can tell you, the best way for me to get over this - is to go out on my own, and mend myself, by myself. I don't mean separation from him. I mean total break - its OVER. But I can't do that to my children, or our parents. Our parents love us so much. I just can't believe how many people get divorced because of this. Divorce is so much worse. It goes on forever - it is forever. Once those kids are hurt, they remember that too. Remember the pain of childbirth? And then it was over, couple of weeks later, you could say "yea, I'll have another one someday - but during it - no way". Let's look at the A. the same way (except not that you'll have another - ha - that was funny). I get very aggitated, and mad sometimes and I mean "I am leaving." Because he can't give me the kind of love I need and deserve. He does not want me to leave. The other night he finally held me like he use to - secure, and really rubbed my sholders, like he cared. It really felt great - but I'm not back perfect yet. He thinks I need counseling because I need too much affection. <P>Just think Shocker, I am a really good person, there is some guy out there that would die to be with a wonderful girl like me. I have a heart. God knows this, he really does. <P>I admit - "I am unhappy", but for me, right at this moment, that is right for me. I go to work, and do what I have to do, and survive my day there and here at home. Then I acknowledge my feelings - I'm not happy. I know that someday I will be - I don't know when. I am not using him for my happiness. I was very happy before I met him, I had my own apartment, job, car, interests, and we melded our separate lives into our one life. He was the one that wanted to marry me. Now I have to get happy on my own, which I will do eventually.<P>I hope this helps you. I know how devastating it is at first. The panic, unbelief, shock, terror, uncontrollable rage. I hurt, I hurt, I hurt. I know that God wants you to forgive the OW - (we should probably start saying "The OP" for other person - so the guys can get in on this too) maybe someday I will. Fact remains, the H. did it. He or She could have chosen not to do it - but they did. If they could just come and say "I am really, really sorry; if I could take it all back, etc. etc. etc." Right now, my H. is vague about that - I guess he does not acknowledge his feelings.<P>Shocker - try not to imagine "them" together. Think about "You and Him" together. Remember you are his wife. Positive affirmations are better than that negative one. Besides, "she" was in euphoria. Why give her the satisfaction. He has to be happy to be with you. You need to be happy with you. And remember, God knows. What goes around, comes around. If you are in it for the fight, take care of him. Do that laundry best you can, etc. If you can't do it - well, then don't. Or pick one important item to be really good at right now (like laundry). This advice may or may not fit for your situation - I am just saying that I am doing the best I can. At one time, all I did was sit and sit - that was good enough for me. I never considered suicide, that was no option, but I was sure in alot of pain. Right now, I feel just a little, yea, I could cry. <P>Like Dr. Spring says, it's just the bomb your marriage needs to fix it (whatever needed fixing). She invites you to the challenge.<P>Shocker - the wondering for me is: What telephone booth did he go to to call her (long distance). The relationship cards - buying cards that said "I imagine us growing old together", or "seeing other couples hand in hand", or "Hello, it's me the person you talk to practically every day...you make my life better", or "When I met you...", the real kicker was "I guess you know how much I miss you. This being-apart stuff is really difficult...so that one day soon, somehow or other, we can be together". So when he was suppose to be doing something else, he was standing at cards, obsessing about her. When did he buy the cards? How long did he stand there? He paid cash for the cards? The financial outlay of funds for the long distance calls, cards, flowers - that could go to buying shoes and food for his children. And the vet bill for the bone. Oh, my. Lots of shoes, a set of tires for the car, but instead she was in our home, suggesting a bone to the dog he loves. And this is the guy who promised to "love, honor, and ...". My thoughts slip to "how can anyone who really loves another do this", then he must not love me.<P>He says he does not want this to go on much longer like this - he says we can go away for a weekend. We need alone time for us. <P>I can't remember who said they weren't taking care of their kids, because the attention was going to the relationship. THIS IS AS IT SHOULD BE - without the relationship - the kids and family are hurting. If that marriage is mended - the family unit will go on, and stronger than before. DEVOTE that time that you have to to the marriage. Whenever I need to talk, and sometimes that is for two or three hours on a weekend afternoon, my H. stops everything and talks to me. And you know what - I don't care whatelse does not get done. Our marriage is the number one priority in my household right now. If I am upset, I have to clear it up, by talking to him. The kids come and bug us at our bedroom door - but we say we need to talk. <P>Atleast my H. and I are communicating now. It may not be perfect, but we are working at it. I just fear that someday, he will only feel empty, and figure that he needs to leave. I don't want him to feel empty - I want to love him - I do love him - inspite of the pain he has caused me (he's caused pain to himself too). <P>I am still ready to make this marriage work. I need him to put his arms around me, and linger, and tell me from his heart that he really loves me. <P>So, Shocker, and Window, and K9Love (is that right), and all of you out there, who are dealing with this problem, right now, thanks for being there. Even though I feel like crying right now, I feel the strength to go work on the house.<P>I read all of your stories, all of your thoughts, your pain, your coping. Remember how Dr. Harley explains in the MB under Infidelity. Reading these MB articles have really, really helped. Somehow, he knew I was there, by me contacting either Minirth-Meyers, or Focus on the Family - I don't know which - but however - I really need Dr. Harley. And I appreciate God hooking us up. And I appreciate having all of you to read my posting and if you want to tell me something I am here to listen to you, or respond. Because I was there on a Dday too - wish I'd backed up the Instant Messenger arrow to see more - because the more information you have the better you can deal with it. My H. and I are going to be coming up on two anniversaries - Dday, and the last time she called him at work - another time God was telling me something. He put me outside his office. He works in mysterious ways for me. So I hope my H. realizes that if he wants to make a wrong move, God will be there to protect me, and he will let me know, because God is letting you know. So, people, take care of it. Work on it. Don't let that OP, that OW, that OM win. Don't let that devil in, because the devil is knocking on your door, and if you let him defeat you... Acknowledge that hurt and let's go on, because it is a new day tomorrow.<P>Thanks for listening. Hey, Shocker, thanks for the messages. I really, really appreciate it. Let's not cry - go do that laundry for him - okay. Hope it works. If he is telling you he is sorry, and devoting himself to you, devote yourself to him.<P>Guess what, I just bought my H. a great looking polo shirt yesterday. I hung it up in his closet with his shirts. I can't wait for him to find it - "what's this". I love him, and I want him to look great. It is really time to put that devil out. I bought him a great looking shirt at Christmas - he loves wearing it, there was a card in the box too. <P>Going now - gotta' take the kids for a hamburger. Thank you so much.<P>After shock

After Shock:<P>Thanks for a great letter. Everything you wrote has given me the strength to try harder. I feel as if I can only take it one day at a time because everyday is so different from the day before. Just today, my H and I went out and did some errands. (We're spending alot more time together)...trying to salvage the marriage.<BR>He decided we should grab some lunch and we were sitting there eating and in walks this woman wearing a scarf around her neck. THe last time I saw the OW (Because I knew who she was, she was wearing a scarf around her neck....she's an airline employee!!!) I take one look at this woman walking into the restaurant and the flood gates open... my H is asking me what's wrong....I explain....why I started crying<BR>and he asks me if this is going to happen alot?? I answered I don't know!! Maybe I'm depressed and need meds!!<P>ANyways we were almost done eating and I told him I had to leave the restaurant because I was getting upset. I thought I was doing better since I had a few goods days and then WAMMO out of nowhere it comes and the wound is as fresh as day one. Does it get any better with time!!!???? If I didn' know who it was and what she looked like maybe it would be easier...but I have that vision and all these<BR>triggers happen!! Maybe I'm going NUTS!!!! HELPP!!!<BR>As far as the clothes...yes, you're right, I'll take<BR>care of that because he does take care of me. Thanks<BR>so much for helping me see the other side. You've been<BR>great. Stay strong....and take care of yourself. I have<BR>been putting myself first lately...making sure I walk if<BR>I want to, read if I want to and we have been talking ALOT!!<BR>This has helped tremendously. I have a question where did<BR>you find the books you were talking about...could you give me the titles again and who the author is. I tried to <BR>find the book today called TORN ASUNDER since everyone on the forum recommends that but they didn't have it in stock..Barnes and Noble or BORDERS so I had to order it.<P>ANYONE OUT THERE RECOMMEND ANY OTHER GOOD BOOKS ON INFIDELITY???? I've read the HARLEYS books and they<BR>are great!!!<P>God Bless All Of You....<P>Shocker17<BR>

Shocker 17:<P>Hang in there! I know anything like that can trigger it - just be strong - remember your H. is with you. Keep that in your mind. If he is doing things for you he wants to.<P>I just printed the Emotional Needs questionnaires & we filled them out last night - we were way different - just Dr. Harley says. H. is is working with the d. and her homework right now. I just picked my H. up at the airport w/ the kids Sunday night - and we did the ENQ. last night - we reviewed the answers but haven't discussed.<P>I am happy you are finding some help in my "long msg". I found out we're suppose to post on the history page - then discuss. Maybe I will later - but this is helping too. H. found the shirt first thing this morning & he wore it today - it was quite a surprise. I hope the laundry advice helps - ha - I have a laundry basket plus to fold - but my H. helps alot with dishes, laundry, etc. I was always very lucky about all that, and I always bragged to everyone else. I am keeping it at home.<P>The books are Torn Asunder by David Carder, After the Affair by Dr. Janis Spring, What Women Wish their Husbands Knew About Women by James Dobson. Another one is In Defense of Marriage, author unknown. I had to order Torn Asunder. You can go to the library and put marriage or relationship in subject and just go from there. The Dewey Decimal System is 658.xxx I think. There are also good book in the 306 (there abouts). Go spend some time looking at the library books too. Depending on the time, you may have some problems reading. Keep at it - and in time you'll get more focus. At the library, I found an old book "I Love You, Lets Work it Out". You can go into the Christian section, and the self-improvement section at a Barnes & Noble. Also there are some good materials at Christian Book Stores.<P>I am going to end short tonight, gotta go fold laundry. H. just did the dishes for me.<P>Thanks for writing back. Keep your chin up, and work on yourself. Take care, After Shock<P>For me - we hold at night and in the morning. We're working on the weekend away.

Shocker, I am only adding nmy 2 cents for two reasons. One: I have been married 20 years and found out Dec 16th about H's 6 month PA. So yes, it can happen in any marriage at any stage. I often said that when you stay married as long as we have "you can stop worrying." I could kick myself for that. <P>I also did not confide this situation to many people. Only Our pries and one friend who doesn't know my H. I am a very private person and I think now looking back over 4 plus months that this was a very wise decision.<P>Your world DID fall apart on March 6th. But you can emerge from the rubble a stronger person, with a stronger, truthful, joyful marriage. <P>

Shocker17:<P>Coping OK is right, the marriage will emerge - your task at the moment will be to repair yourself first, and your marriage. I know you feel the pain will never go away. You are searching for the answer to "why". You will have to be strong. We know this is hard.<P>I know the crucial hurt is "I thought he would never do this", and now you are much wiser. Hope your H. is reading Dr. Harley's advice too. He is including you in "errands", this is spending time together. This is good.<P>Hope your day is going okay. Later, After shock

COPING OK:<P>Thanks for the positive feedback. WOW...20 years...<BR>and it happened to you too! I asked my husband yesterday <BR>how he could have gotten himself into this and his reply<BR>was "I wasn't looking for an affair....she was there and<BR>it just happened"....It's still hard. We are working hard<BR>at repairing our marriage...isn't that sad to use the word repair...I never thought it needed repairing but guess it did!!! We walked last night for 1 1/2 hours...boy did I vent alot. He told me I must need to do that and it was good because my two girls were out of earshot. It was constructive talking and he is trying. He says this will never happen again and I told him I think NEVER is a strong<BR>word to use. I am working on myself...making sure I take time for me...my self esteem has been shot to hell. I know you know what I'm talking about. Not sure if you have kids but I have to girls. One 14 and the other 8 yrs. old. We're going away next week for a couple of days. My teenage daughter asked me why we had to go away...kind of with that teenage attitude if you know what I mean. I explained to her that at this point our marriage needs nurturing very badly and that her Dad and I are working hard at staying together. I think she felt better after I told her instead of thinking I'm taking off for just fun in the sun!! We're going away to work at our marriage....it's hard with our kids being around. <P>Thanks again for your feedback. It strengthens me when you and AfterShock respond so positively. I now know I can get through this I just have to get through the storm (PAIN)!!!<P>Have a great day..and I hope you are doing better these days with your H>>>><P>SHOCKER 17

After Shock:<P>Thanks for the book information. My H and I went<BR>to the bookstore looking for them and they had to <BR>be ordered. Do you know he wouldn't go to the counter<BR>and ask for Torn Asunder...I asked him why? He said<BR>he is so ashamed. I had no problem asking...because<BR>I'm looking for HELP!! Anyways..we came home and he<BR>asked me if reading helps and I told him yes.<BR>He reads all of the books I do...We've read the<BR>Harleys Surviving the Affair and HIS NEEDS,HER NEEDS.<BR>We've also read the IDIOT'S BOOK TO AFFAIR PROOFING<BR>YOUR MARRIAGE, which was pretty good. What I thought<BR>was very special was my H signed onto AMAZON.COM and<BR>said let's order your books on-line and you can<BR>get them faster. It's weird...that little thing<BR>he did made me feel so special. I know in my heart<BR>he really want's to work at this.<P>I want you to know I appreciate your positive <BR>feedback. I had a bad day a couple night ago. We<BR>were up until 2 a.m. I just got so DOWN and the<BR>floodgates opened and we talked a lot and sometimes<BR>it got a little heated but he told me it seems as if<BR>I still have alot of anger. How is your anger level?<BR>Maybe I still have alot to deal with and dissect about<BR>the A? Well have to get the girls up for school.<BR>Lunches, etc. the mom thing!!!<BR>Hope you're doing good. Stay strong too!!!!<P>SHOCKER17

Shocker 17:<P>I think its great your H. is going to the book store with you to look for/at books. Spending time together is KEY. Any time you can get - take ALL OF IT. The more stuff they do with you the better.<P>I've been reading After the Affair - there are many good insights in this book - Dr. Spring talks alot about "repair" - so don't worry about using that word. I can't compare it to other books of Dr. Harley's, I don't have those yet. We are fortunate to have Drs that are studying these trends and are able to help w/ books.<P>Listen really, you are being torn apart, and you have so much anger, and intense pain - but it will lessen. Keep faith in that your H. says "won't do it again, he's sorry, etc". I don't get a whole lot of that from my H. You are fortunate your H. is giving you feelings. Mine says I want too much attention.<P>I am doing pretty okay. My H. has been very busy for work, so I haven't gotten him to read Dr. Harley's articles on line. There hasn't been alot of extra time. Looking forward to sleeping in this weekend. I am tired, we've been doing alot of extra running around this week, because my car just got a new transmission. Wish it were Friday night now. My thoughts about our "OW" are lessening.<P>How's the laundry coming? Just hang in there, okay.<P>After shock