six shooter...<P>You are their father...<BR>...whether biological or not.<P>Return home... and show them what a real father is.<P> <P>Jim

I want to thank you all once again for stepping up and offering your help, advice and support to six shooter. It really does mean a lot me, and I know that six shooter is grateful for your insights.<P><BR>HGBrawner -- <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Empty Shell<BR>The idea of filing a complaint has some merit, but I just caution you to continue to pray about it and be careful. Your intentions are good, but my concern would be that they not end up causing a bad situation for six shooter to become worse. However, if the affair is directly affecting you and your work wituation, then you have a little more compelling reason to file a complaint. Just food for thought......<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>The environment that I work in is fairly unique. . .There are about 10 different groups all working in one very large building, and for the most part we do not work directly with or influence each other.<P>six shooters W does not work in the same group that I do, and her OM does not work in the group that she does.<P>She is a Team Lead (supervisor) for her group.<P>I am the technical trainer for my group, but am in the process of developing and providing training to all groups in the building. As a result, I do have to interact with her on a professional level to some extent. Her A does not affect our working relationship.<P>It is more the effects on our personal relationship, as well as the effects on her marriage, six shooter and their children which really bother me.<P>I do have to see her OM on a daily basis, as his group is located very near mine, and he literally walks past my desk every day. It is really very difficult for me personally. I feel as though I am loosing, or have lost, a good friend as a result of her A. When I see her OM, it is sometimes all I can do to not go over and knock the dog snot out of him. I know very well, that this will not accomplish any good, which is why I have kept my distance. In fact I have never so much as said "good morning" to him.<P>There are, in my opinion, some ethical reasons for filing a complaint, but as you said, her A is not effecting me directly. . .at least not professionally.<P>Everyone -- I told six shooter this evening when he came over, and I have told him before that he needs to be working to protect himself and his children. . .<P>six shooter is very concerned that his W is "sticking around" only until they get their taxes back. He believes that she then intends to take the returns for her self and run off with her OM.<P>I have strongly encouraged him to seek out the advise of an attorney. I have talked with him about the possibilities of AFDC, Food Stamps, etc. in order to support his children if necessary.<P>His W is very definitely taking advantage of him. I truly believe that she is trying to see how much pain she can inflict upon him, before he finally gives up. . .This is so much against her "true nature" that it is almost scary.<P>Before she started avoiding me, she and I had talked about the spiritual implications and ramifications of her A. You see, she had a tremendous influence in my rededicating my life to Christ. We have talked about the fact that she is being led by the demon right now. She has told me that she is aware of this, but doesn't know how to stop. She has told me that she knows that she should not be involved in this A, yet she is so enmeshed in the "moment" that she will not even try to do anything else.<P>I have tried very hard not to "pass judgement" on her, I have tried to reason with her logically and spiritually. About the only thing I have not done, is to start attacking her. . .and I truly do not want to do this, and end up forever destroying our friendship.<P>I have talked with six shooter about this, so nothing that I am saying here is new . . . I am just so frustrated . . . and she is not even my W.<P>I have been praying daily, and at times almost continuously for six shooter and his W, for their children, their marriage and their family as a whole. Six shooter and his W both know that they call me 24x7 if they ever need me or hopeful.<P> . . . I just pray that it is enough . . .<P>God Bless

Hi six shooter,<P>As nice as it is to "meet" you I wish you had never had occasion to need this place. I don't know if I have any great ideas, especially as it's getting late now in Houston, but I'll give it my best shot.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>i have moved out to give her space.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>You probably realize this by now, but when a WS says "I need space and time to think" it usually means "I need to get away from you so that I can have time with the OP". At least that's what usually happens.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B><BR>i have wrote her love letters, gave her roses, and told her that i believe in her and that i want to stay togerther what else can i do.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>The most important thing you can do is avoid lovebusters, which are defined not by what you think or what is reasonable, but by your wife. Next, meet any ENs she will let you meet (tough if you're separated), while trying to avoid being perceived as needy or smothering her. The love letters and roses would be loved by most women, and probably by your wife before she got to the point of giving up on your marriage and having an affair. However, you do need to try to determine her ENs as well as you can to make sure you're working on the right things.<P>Unfortunately, she may not help you with this right now. Maybe you can pose it to her that you'd like to learn to be a better you (as opposed to saying you want to work on the relationship, which she doesn't want). Under that guise maybe she'll talk to you about what needs you didn't meet.<P>Realize that she probably won't let you meet many of her ENs, or fall back in love with you <B>until the affair ends</B>. However, it's your conduct now that determines whether she will see you as a changed man with whom she will want to work to restore the marriage when the affair ends.<P>Their are no guarantees, but you have probably learned that most affairs end within about two years or less.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Posted by Empty Shell:<B><BR>As far as her quitting her job . . . Would probably be a good idea, but she makes close to 3 times what six shooter makes, and is the primary provider for the family. I work with her, and we work for a large enough company that avoiding any contact with her OM would be easy to do if she wanted.<BR><HR></BLOCKQUOTE></B><BR>True no doubt but misses the point IMO. I've posted my thoughts on this subject on Sheryl's (new-beginning's) thread <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum37/HTML/008480.html" TARGET=_blank>here</A>. Basically the important thing about being at the same location is the proximity of temptation (the OP) for the WS, even if the WS wants to avoid contact. The OP is just too available. Of course she won't quit right now anyway, so for now it's a moot point. But the ease of avoiding contact in a big place is not nearly important as the ease with which contact is available, even in a big company.<P>As for filing a complaint, it is probably not a good idea right now, as it will certainly be a big love buster. BTW, is the OM married? If so, telling his wife is also another option. But these are high-risk strategies. In general, I'm inclined to say to give Plan A at least six months. Then consider high risk strategies like complaints, telling his spouse, and Plan B, if the affair hasn't ended by that time.<P>As for moving home, I'm inclined to say do it, if only for the children's sake. I'm thinking you may need legal advice, perhaps you can get some pro bono (free-I think I have the right term) advice somewhere.<P>Say you're returning for the children's sake, not for work on the marriage. Once you've returned, though you can show her the new you. It really does need to be a new you; she gave up on marriage to the old one. Not blaming you, the A is <B>her wrong choice</B>, the state of the marriage leading up to the affair is probably the fault of you both. She's not here to listen, so you're getting the lecture . Remember, "showing her the new you" probably won't include a lot of time explicitly working on the relationship; mainly you have to be an admirable person who avoids lovebusting at all costs, only able to meet her ENs as she is receptive to that.<P>Well, those are my best ideas for now. Hopefully you'll find some help in what everyone has said. Remember, time is on your side <B>if you maintain consistency in being a changed man</B>. It's up to you to find out what drove her away and thus how you need to change.<P>Good luck, it's a marathon, not a sprint.<P>Steve

A short comment: Number one priority is YOU. Number 2 your children. You can let her know you love and want her in your life but don't loose your self worth and self esteem over her stupidity. Be strong, not for her but for you, Know within your heart that you have a lot to offer. She'll either come to realize this or she will come out on the loosing end.<P>Thoughts and prayers are with you.

I haven't heard from six shooter since last weekend, but wanted tobring this back to the top in case I hear from him this weekend.<P>If anyone else has opinions, I sure that they will be welcome.<P>God Bless

How are you, six shooter? Please let us know how you are and if you need more help. I am sure it is hard to keep up with this board. since you have no computer.<P>Take care...