things are (ok..) i told her i was moving out and we really had a long talk , i told her she had till the day i left to decidw what she wanted and she did , we are teying to work things out , life is ok if we avoid the talk of the night , it is killing me inside , but i am trying to deal with the hurt and sorrow , and stay by my wife i will not lie i do think about walking out , but i cannot do it without a fight ..<P>i am confused by her still she seems great if we avoid the issue that is killing me for now once in a while we sit down and chat .. we are spending more time with each other , and she is working less and less <P>sdo for now life is ok i am still hurt and scared but willing to try <P>confused <P>and thanks for the inqury :P

confused...<P>On March 22 I found out about my husband having several affairs over the last 2 and a half years with women he'd met on the internet. Oh, here's my story.. cannot bear to type it out again...<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000730.html</A> <P>At first my H denied everything. Then as I found out information, he would admit to it. Somewhere in those first two weeks I bought the book "Surviving an Affair". We both read it. It discusses the absolute need for total honesty. I also had a mind shift at that time.<P>I realized that I was not the only person who was going to have to learn to trust. He was going to have to learn to trust me. If I used his honest revelations as a way to hurt him back, to lovebust, etc. Then he would start avoiding honesty at all costs. So I told him two things. The first is that we all makes mistakes. None of us are perfect. That I love him and want to help him work on this. I promissed to never use this as a way to hurt him.<P>I also explained to him that it will take some time to rebuild my trust in him. That if he tells a lie in an attempt to protect me from being hurt. It is still a lie. And each lie is further proof that he cannot be trusted. So I told him that I would rather have him hurt me with the truth then protect me with a lie. Because in the end it is the deceipt of an affair that hurts the most.<P>After that conversation he opened up to me. At first by a little. Sort of like sticking his toe in the water to see if it was safe. And after a while the gates opened wide. At about week 4 or 5 he felt safe enough to answer any question I had. <P>At this point I think that the poor man is a saint in some ways. He let me talk about his affairs until I was blue in the face. Each day I'd come up with a net set of things I wanted to talk about. We eventually set aside 1-2 hours every day so I could talk to him, ask him. He answered my questions, we talked about ENs, and our marriage. If he told me something that upset me, he's hold me while I cried. <P>I can tell you that there were a few times I lost it... said some ugly things... like I was going to get on line and find a few dozen guys to screw to just let him understand how it feels. He says that I really hurt him when I said that. My response was then you can imagine how hurt i am because you did it and did not just talk about it.<P>Once one of his OW told me something very intimate that I did not need to know. I tried to discuss it with him with a level head.. not a good idea. I lost it and started beating on him. It was definately temporary insanity from passionionate hurt and anger. <P>Another time I found out something really awful from another of his OW. I was sitting at the computer when she IMed me. I got so angy that I threw my mouse agaist the wall (broke it) and some other things. My H walked in and almost got beamed... though I was not aiming at him. <P>But through all of it he kept his cool. Sure those times I mentioned here he had to walk away from me to cool off but that's to be expected. <P>What I am trying to tell you here is that it is important to be open and honest. It is important to be supportive of each other. Your wife has to come to realize the importance of total honesty. And you need to learn that improtance of avoiding love busters.<P>Believe me she is hurting too. I can tell the hurt my H has gone through over this. Now, when I look back I know that he was agonizing over his guilt and shame long before I found out.<P>We are getting close to our third month since D-day. Because my H was so open and we were so supportive of each other we are well into recovery. I cannot even think of any thing more to ask him about his afairs, we've lived and relived all I care to know over and over. I believe that we have learned all there is to learn from the affairs. Once in a while now I have a moment where I think of them but for the most part it is resolved for me. <P>At first I was on the most terrible emotional rollercoaster. I think that the swings were spaced about 15 minutes appart. You must be experiencing some of this. Now I am still on the rollercoaster but the lows are for like a mild funk. I can now go day with out hitting a low. <P>The best thing of all is that my H and I have a much better relationship now then we ever did. It is much deeper and richer. This MB stuff is awesome.<P>I wish I could speak to your wife and tell her that the truth is the only option. And that her having no further contact with the other men is also the only option. <P>An aside here, do you think that your wife was totally cooperative in this "one night stand"? Is there any possibility that the men took advantage once she was drunk? Part of her confustion over this might be that on the one hand she feels responsible for what happened but on the other hand she feel violated. Sort of like a date rape situtation. Something just does not seem right and that's the thought that comes to mind so I just threw it out. You might want to explore that with her.<P>Hope my rantings are of some help to you.<P>Z<P><P>------------------<BR>He loves not who does not show love.<BR>----William Shakespeare

confusedh,<BR>I sympathize with your situation. If your w and her boss and co-worker just had a thing because they were drunk and in a party mood....and not a emotional relationship that has been in the making for months....it may be ok for your w to keep working there....especially if there is remorse for what they did but there is danger if there was emotional bonding. There is still reason to monitor what she does...in other words, trust with your eyes open.....you have been trusting with your eyes closed until now. You must trust to some extent or your life will always be miserable. All of this takes time. My w last fling was two years ago and I still consider myself to be in recovery and I still keep my eyes open every day for signs. Work hard on filling her emotional needs as much as she will let you. Sometimes she may resent you being nice to her because of what she did....but try to fulfill her needs. It may be a while before she understands this and trys to fulfill yours. Just be patient!!!!

well me and my W have had serval blow outs since this has came to light yes it was a one time drunken mistake she feels real bad for it and is beging to speak to me about some issues that have came to my mind , we are trying to work it out but my god it is tough ..<P>i am trying my best to be there for her but at the same time some resentment is comming into plya she says "I AM TREATING YOU NO DIFFERENT THEN I WAS BEFORE YOU FOUND OUT , AND NOW WHEN YOUR READY FOR ATTN. I'M JUST SUPPOSE TO GIVE IN " kills me <P>but thingds are getting better slowly for us <P>confused

"I am treating you no different than I was before you found out, and now when your ready for attention I'm just supposed to give in."<P>What an amazing statement for your wife to make. This is a women who had sex with her boss and a co-worker in the same night after leaving you at home because she was drunk and depressed and still works with these men. Most men would have left her a long time ago. She should be doing everything to make you feel secure and showing great remorse for her dispicable actions. She acts like she is doing you a favor by allowing you to stay with her. Amazing absolutely amazing.

Confusedh, sorry I haven't been on here that much lately. Our move is just about done and we are in our new place. I decided to quit my job even tho i kind of liked it. It's tight for money but we have a little resource available for the summer if we are careful. I decided I have always worked harder at everything in my life but never worked hard for family...well, I mean, never gave the family the same kind of effort for excellence as other things I did.<P>You sound a lot like my H. He just bit his lip and loved on me. I sometimes wished he would get mad but he is so tender and in my case, no I was not drunk, just stupid and also vulnerable...OM looked like my childhood abuser and toward the end touched me in the same way. I think it's why H could be more merciful to me as he was so angry when I was in denial/involved. He was relieved when I confessed as I came back to being the truthful me he married. He was furious at OM. It's only been this weekend I have been able to tap into my rage at OM. I forgot that he abused me in 4 short mos as I've been so busy bashing myself and directing anger at other places and just moving, cleaning, packing, etc.<P>H is my knight in shining armour. I'm sure not saying it's like a fairytale (except it's Grimm all right ) but you are doing the right thing. I pray your W's fog will lift. I wish she could leave that job. I hope your patience will be rewarded. Keep communicating and showing your love however you can. <P>Cheering for you, my friend.

Hi CH,<BR>So now, how are things going? (Wonder if you and your wife would benefit from attending an AA meeting? I have heard that if you occasionally BINGE, that is just as much of an alcoholic as someone who drinks constantly...)<p>[This message has been edited by BINthereDUNthat (edited July 13, 2001).]