Don't know if I have any constructive advice to offer but just wanted to share my 'other-side-of the coin' experience. My H's problem with me is that I'm too thin. Apparently it is much harder to gain weight than to lose it and 2 of my kids who eat like horses are skinny as bean poles too. Also, he has made me very aware that he isn't satisfied with my breast size - buying me augmentation creams etc. And not much short of surgery that I can do about that. So my only point here is that the grass is always greener the other side of the fence - it isn't 'your fault' so please don't blame your weight or feel guilty about it. If you'd been skinny he might also have been dissatisfied - or maybe it would be your nose or your cheek bones. Do you get my drift? Sorry I can't offer you any real comfort or solutions (I'm new at all this too). But I just wanted you not to beat yourself up about this so much.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by tears of sorrow:<BR><B>ANAID<BR>I IM the young girl when i first found out to learn about what exactly happened. I told her that she should be careful at who she chats with in the chatrooms. I even told her to never to meet up with anyone else from the net again as she could one day be seriously harmed. Sometimes I thought i was getting through to her and sometimes i got the impression she thought i was my H playing games with her, and giving excuses to stop seeing her. I found that in her emails she kept dragging this whole mess back and forth on what really happened. Time went by with her playing games with me by IM asking if i was my H and claiming that she was a friend of hers wanting to know what happened in all this. I felt i did try an help her throughout our IM by explaining that what happened was wrong and that my H shouldnt have done what he did. I did tell her that if she had problems with her family life then she should seek profesional counselling and not through people in chatrooms as it is very dangerous to do so. I dont know what else i could have done.<P>I have thought about what my H has done with this girl a million times over in my head to think the same way as yourself, "a crime". Even after i read your post i looked into the listing of crimes on the web for where i am. I found some info and even showed my H. From what i read its a cime to have or intend to have intercourse with someone "under" 16yrs of age. I also found a section on indecency and my H claims that they both conscented to what they got up to. He didnt force her to do anything. I am still going to look further into this, believe me. But what am i supposed do other than make it clear to my H how disgraceful it was for him to do all this with her. Even though i have already done so over and over. I will also ask him to get professional help for his sick way of thinking. Everytime i think about what he did i get so scared, scared that he could go to jail for this. And my son will be left without a father.<P>BIthereDUNthat<BR>Thank you for your suggestion. I have bookmarked that website and will look and read through it soon.<P>tears<P>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited July 16, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>I hope you didn't think I meant that any of this was your fault. You have done what you could for this girl and I guess it is time to move on. Definately continue counseling. from everything I've read it takes time.It will be painful for a while. If you want to follow the Harley plan I would recommend counseling here with one of them.<BR>

You're going to make it. MBers are out here praying for you.

Hi tears<P>How are you holding up? It's very nice of you to actually care about her so much that you tried to warn her or caution her. That's mighty big of you. Does you Hknow that you have been in contact with this OW? If so, what was his reaction?<P>I'm thinking about you and praying for you as always. It'll get easier with time. Keep your eyes on the Lord.<P>(((((hugs)))))<P>------------------<BR>CPL

Dear Sealf<P>Your response drew me to read through your own threads/posts last night(i hope you dont mind).Your story did make me see that it is possible for one spouse to be dissatisfied even if they were thin(amazing). You are right in pointing out that if it wasnt my weight it would be something else. But my H has focused so much of where we are today because of my weight that sometimes i find it hard to comprehend the other side of it all as you pointed out. He has brought my self-esteem down to my lowest its ever been. I cant even dress or undress myself infront of him. I even lock the door now when i have to use the bathroom. <P>Anyway at counselling the other day, as usual we had to update on how things were going. We both told the counselor things were the same. I then told our counsellor that nothing has really changed for a while. I told him that i am having trouble moving on as now i have deep issues myself to deal with due to my H reason for his A. I told him that i think my H and I need individual counselling. For me to help me get past all this (if its possible) and to help me,not personalize what my H did. For my H to maybe work out and get to the root of his problem for going to the extreme of having a PA. The counselor agreed with me an refered us to new counselorsfor each of us. For a while now i have thought this way and im glad that i finally brought it up as i felt we were going no where. Im a bit dissapointed that my counsellor didnt suggest this a while back,when i told him that im finding it hard to put a closure on all this. He saw how affected i was. I mean how can i move on when i feel worthless as a woman/wife. <P>When we walked out of the room and my H told me that he finally feels that he got something out of our many sessions. He felt extremely relieved that he was going to get the help we really need. That getting help individually will focus on the depth of his actions. I must admit i felt relieved also. My H and i talked abit more in the car(well he did most of the talking and i listened)he said that he use to dread going to counselling as he found the C was always a step ahead of us and he wasnt really focusing on why we couldnt move on. I did agree with this. He also said that now he has hope that we will get the help we need to heal from all this and make it though. Let hope he is right. We will see.<P>Sothank you for taking the time to let me see the other side of the coin. You did help. I will also will replying to your own last thread as i have a few thoughts on your situation and what you are going through. Ill see you there soon.<BR>Thanks <BR>tears<P>

Have you read the stuff about sexual addiction? I believe my husband is a sexual addict. He's done this to me several times now. Always promises to stop and does for a while, then starts up again, trying to hide it, but I always eventually find out.<P>It sounds to me that your husband is the same. Just like an alcoholic or a drug addict, they will make ANY excuse, your weight, my travelling, at one point he said because our relationship was new, etc., etc., always an excuse. It is not your fault.<P>Find a counselor or therapist that specializes in sexual addiction. There is a lot of information on the net regarding sexual addiction, including listing of therapists that specialize in this area. The one I found here is really good (so far). He has treated almost as many injured spounses as those with the sexual addictions. He knew EXACTLY what I was going through, what you're going through.<P>I am also struggling with my self-image (as you can see from my user name) after my husband's internet affairs and addiction to porn.<P>Please look into this and see if you can find someone locally to you for help.<P>

Dear Tearsofsorrow,<P>I know this is two posts in a row from me, but I feel so much empathy for you as I in such a similar situation.<P>I am also a little overweight, not much, but enough for me to make a bigger issue of than I need to. I have just started losing weight and wanted to write to you if you're interested about how I'm doing it. I am doing Atkins and it works very well and much faster than any other thing I've tried.<P>This is nothing that I'm trying to sell or anything like that, just want to help and I don't know how to make contact with you outside the board.<P>I participate on a low-carb forum for support and advice on that and as I loose weight, it does help my self-image. I don't know if you're familiar with the Delphi forums, but that's where I found my wonderful support group for losing weight.<P>Sometimes I think the best "revenge" is just to be the best we can be IN SPITE OF what our spouses do to hurt us. It is so so hard sometimes when you're so upset and hurt that you can't sleep or eat, but after those first few days, if you can take care of your health, eat and sleep, etc., it helps you stay strong.<P>Sending good thoughts your way...<P>Your sister in pain,<BR>Wrecked<P>

Dear Anaid<P>Im sorry i came across so defensive on my last post to you. When i read it (even though i thought exactly the same thing) i suddenly felt this overwhelming fear that i quickly looked up "crime" websites searching for answers for hope that this cant be true. I started thinking(again) who the hell is the man i married? What am i doing still with him? Then i started thinking about my son and how i could protect him from what could happen. So i even went in and deleted the screen name/email adress that he used to correspond with her and the one that i used to do the same. I even stopped posting for a little while. I was suddenly so scared that my H was going to be tracked down and taken away from my sons life. Maybe i was protecting myself also, crazy i know.<P>But i had to come back and explain that i did try to help this girl as i knew that she was the true victim here. And you are right there is only so much one can do to help someone. I am going to see an individual counsellor as i really think i need help/encouragement and strength to move on and decide on whether i can stay with my H or go about making a new life with my son by my side. I know now its going take a long time but i have no choice, i have to do this for my son and most of all for myself. Despite what the outcome will be.<BR>I know you werent meaning it was my fault. Im glad that others have thought the same way as myself, as it shows im not going crazy when i tell my H how disgraceful i think it is for what he has done. So i thank you for your support.<P>

BINthereDUNthat<P>Thanks heaps for your optimistic outlook! Its very comforting. I still need to read through that site...soon.<BR>Tears

You will LOVE that site. I devoured all the information and testimonies and I loved reading that book because I struggle with weight and loving my body JUST the way it is, and it (WeighDown) was the only thing that really REALLY helped me and encouraged me and worked for me because I will NOT, I repeat, will NOT live without cheesecake and God knows and understands this! many hugs to you today!

Hi Tears:<P>I have just read all of your posts on your situation. I feel for you. I just found out 3 days ago that my H is having cyber sex online with a friend of mine. I have revealed any information that I have as of yet and am waiting for the perfect opportunity. I am waiting for a little bit more evidence that I should be getting today. Then I will confront both of them tomorrow night, (where they are planning to meet) after I've informed her husband.<P>Pray...Pray...Pray. I never believed in prayer before. I have noticed in the past 4 years of my life, when I have a burden I bring it to GOD, lay it at his feet and I usually come out ok. I am praying for strength to handle this the right way. I am also asking GOD to answer my never ending question of "should I put more energy into this already, badly suffering marriage". I look at my children and it breaks my heart because I never wanted this for them. I know that when I confront him, he will cry to because of the effect it will have on our children. But, shouldn't he have thought about that? I am sure he did, but they push it out of their minds, not wanting to be reminded of what they are really doing. I posted my whole story on JUST FOUND OUT under the topic of COMPUTER SEX AFFAIR if you want to read it.<P><BR>twinzmom

Dear CPL<BR>Ive been meaning to respond back to you. Amongst all the pain i felt at the time i found out i couldnt help but caution the young girl. I guess i knew that being so young i had to do say something. Maybe because i knew from reading her previous emails to my H that she lacked parental guidance and i sensed that she was searching for love and affection that she lacked in her home life. I guess i also remember what it was like when i was sixteen, where you try so hard to belong and loved. I dont blame the young girl in this at all as she is just a child looking for help. I blame my H as he is the adult and should know better. <P>All my IM that i had with this girl i printed them and left them on my desk so my H can read them. I didnt hide any of them. At the time i was so devasted i didnt care what my H thought of what i had done. He of course denied everything about them until we went to our first counselling session. He didnt comment on how i cautioned her,i dont think he was surprised that i had. I didnt think twice about doing it, i just did.<BR>Other than than caribgirl most of my days as you can see from my posts are very hard for me.<P>Tell me how you and your H are going. Have things improved heaps. Do you feel you guys are on the right track. Has he heard from the OW? How do you get by your days without thinking about what happened?. Do you have days where you are just sad about it all?<P>Take care<BR>Tears

Wrecked Self-image<P>When i read your user name, i thought yes i definately should have used that name. As you know thats how i feel about myself.<P>Thank you for your email and post. I replied to your email but got an auto-response back that you were out, so i hope you still received it. Thanks for the suggestion on the Atkins diet, i did have a look at the site. Im going to go to my local bookstore and have a look if they stock anything on it. As ordering anything from overseas is quite expensive considering our dollar here is very low. At the moment im not really motivated to do something about it, if anything i find i eat more even though im not putting on the weight which i know is wrong, but i sometimes feel that inside me i have already given up as i feel so unwanted by my H that i just dont seem to care. This is why i need to go to see my own counsellor. Im thinking that, by going to the bookstore and reading up and purchase material on the low-carb diet will encourage me to do something. There has been a few other threads where this diet was spoken of many times and i was always curious about it. So thanks again for that link to it.<P>As for my H having a sexual addiction, well i agree i have been thinking the same. I read your thread about what your H has been doing also. Being aware of what they get up to I can fully understand how you feel when you say how awful you feel about yourself. They dont realise at all the effect it has on us and our self-esteem when they get off on watching and fantasising over these sites. My H went to see a therapist for himself the other day and after speaking with him he asked him if he was a sex/porn addict. But the therapist didnt think he was. He said that he does most of the things he does because of "habbit". He said that because my H doesnt do it often anymore and if they werent around he wouldnt be effected by this that shows that he is not addicted. So he says....! Im not that convinced, though. We shall see how speaking more with the therapist goes in the weeks to come.<P>How does your therapist define an addict, and how does he see your h as. Did he tell you why your H is this way. What made him become this way? Just curious at what you got from your first session with him. Answer if you feel comfortable in sharing it with me. Or email me, whatever you prefer.<P>Thanks again for sharing your situation with me.<P>Tears

BINthereDUNthat<P>I couldnt help but giggle when i read your recent response. I LOVE cheesecake too(excluding the base). I dont do this often these days so, a big THANK YOU.

Dear twinzmom<P>What a coincidence, last night i didnt have the energy to post after emotionally disagreeing with my H while discussing his meeting with his therapist. So i just read a few threads and came across your one. Then this morning i saw your reply to mine. WOW..<P>How well do i remember when i found out my H was doing the same. The betrayal, the anger you feel is so real to me right now. The question you ask,i ask myself everyday still to this day. Your exactly like me, in asking yourself how could they have done this, have they no conscious with children involved. <P>The OW my H met in the chatroom was also married with 2 children and the same age as my H. They IM each other nearly every night. When i used the computer she would IM us thinking that it was my H using the comp instead. So i would end up chatting with her and her H. I found at the time we had alot in common with having chidren and what they are like and go through. I even came to enjoying my chats with her. I trusted my H completely and thought nothing more about him chatting with her.<BR> <BR>The day i came across the young girls email to my H i also found an email from this women which my H thought he deleted(boy was he mistaken)at the time . This email was sent to him when they first met months ago and in it contained how deeply she felt for my H. It was not just "friendship" believe me. Not only did i feel betrayed by my H but by this women as i felt that we became friends. But now i know she befriended me to get to my H. I was so devastated, as it got to the stage where because her parents lived close to us, she and my H came up with the idea to meet. I was always hesitant in meeting anyone from the net so i didnt want to take part in it all. I told my H the same but he said i was silly to think this way. So she and her family came for a walk through our way and my H went outside to meet them all. My H tried to convince me to do the same but i just couldnt. I dont think i knew them well enough to do so. As time went by i still wasnt keen on meeting them any time soon. When i confronted my H about her email letter he denied any affair was happening and that they have only seen each other that one time. Only in the counselling session did he admit to the cybersex chats they had many times over the computer but that no other meeting in person occurred. I was so hurt and asked him why he would do this. Why couldnt he tell me the same things he said to her, why did he share these sexuall encounters with her and not me. But he didnt know how to respond which was so frustrating for me. Or maybe he knew but didnt want to tell me. Some of his reasons like "he felt sorry for her as she was bigger in size than me (and im not talking about slightly either)" and she felt low about herself and she had problems with her h. Or the fact that he was bored. These dont make sense to me at all. In fact it just frustates and hurts more me even more especially when he tells me his whole reason for his A was because i was overweight. Yet here he is having cybersex with someone who is double the weight size i am. When i questioned him about why he had been intimate with me after not been for so long he tells me that having cybersex with this woman got him going. How does he expect me to react to this. How am i supposed to get past the fact that he had these A with the responses and reasons that he gives me which dont make much sense.<P>Now i also have the OW, IM every now and again telling me that it was a mistake that the letter was sent and that she even wrote it. As time went by her feelings changed for my H to just friendship. She says that she regretted sending the email and that my H and her use to laugh about it after she sent it and they became friends. She said that at the time she wrote it she had her own problems. She keeps IM ME and says that she cares for me and is concerned to know how im coping. When all this came out i told her what i thought of her and my H, how they both betrayed me. You would think that she would just let me be as i dont think i could ever forgive her. But she says she wants to make me see that she didnt want to hurt me and mind you she now says that she dislikes my H for betraying me with the other young girl and just wants me to believe her when she tells me she is sorry. (What a joke!)<P>Anyway thanks for your thougts and i know exactly what you are going through. I hope God answers your prayers in finding a way out of this mess. I hope he gives you the strength to see it through as not only were we betrayed by our H but by people that we believed or come to believe that they were our friends.<P>I will try respond to your thread also soon.<BR>My son has woken from his nap now but i will reply soon.<BR>Good luck and take care<BR>tears<p>[This message has been edited by tears of sorrow (edited July 24, 2001).]

About Sexual Addiction:<P>My therapist recommended that I read two books. One is "Out of the Shadows" and the other is "Don't Call It Love" both by Patrick Carnes.<P>I cannot tell you everything I learned by reading these books - it's just too much, but I can tell you that all addictive behaviors have a basis in fear of abandonement. If you have any thought at all that your hubby is a sexual addict, then at least read Out of the Shadows. It is an eye-opener.<P>My husband does "quit" for a while after he gets caught, but then goes back to it when he thinks he's "safe" again. This is a sign of addiction. If he wants to stop but can't. If it is making his life unmanageable. <P>I honestly don't think my husband recognizes that it is an addiction yet, either, although he took some online tests that say that he is. I think he is still considering it. He will see the therapist for the first time on Thursday, it will be the second visit for me.<P>Every alcoholic and drug addict says, "I can control this", "I am not an addict", yet there comes a moment when they finally realize they have sacrificed everything important to them for their "fix" and finally admit that they have a problem. Many people who have affairs (online or off) are love and/or sex addicts and don't understand that. <P>In Out of the Shadows, it also describes the behavior of the "co-addict" (that would be you and me). I learned a lot about myself and how I made his problem worse by some of my own actions. And it has nothing to do with weight, it has to do with how I view sex and love. <P>Please read that book. It really helped me separate myself from his problem, in other words, lessened the hurt because I understand the pathology of it, rather than taking it all so personally.<P>Not to say that it doesn't still hurt, it does. It is just more manageable now. I still have self-esteem issues. That will take time, but I am now more focused on correcting my delusional view of myself, and supporting my husband through "recovery". It remains to be seen whether or not he puts in the effort. <P>I guess I am Plan A-ing right now. It's hard sometimes not to be angry, but it's helping my husband open up to me. <P>

Hello, Tears<P>I haven't been online for a few days, so I didn't read up on your posts until today.<P>Again, I'm glad you reached out to this young girl (not even OW)to try to set her on the right path. Your H should recognize that he has a very special W. I applaud you!!!<P>I'm sorry to hear that your days are still very difficult, but I can see that you have been venting often here. Do continue - it helps.<P>My H and I are doing fine. Like I told you before, he's more loving now than before and somewhat more attentive. I would like him to be even more than that, but these things happen in steps and I'm glad at least there is some progress all the time. IMO things are running smoothly now but I always keep an eye open for anything unexpected.<P>I don't think he has he heard from the OW. I'm still gonna be looking at the tel bill to check if anymore calls were made after D-Day. Sometimes,I do think about her confiding in him, and him calling her whenever I wasn't in the house, but I don't think about it often. He'd better be telling the truth about the "no contact", because if the phone bills say differently, well he's in for a major confrontation. I won't take it lightly, to say the least!<P>I do have days when I would probably dwell a little more on it than I should, but I try not to worry. I'm still dealing with my weight, and I think I lapsed a bit and put on a few more. HELP!! I think I'll visit that DELPHI website someone mentioned here. <P>What I do still suffer from is low self esteem, and it has everything to do with my weight. Although my H has never made any disparaging remarks about it (he has really been sweet and is careful not to hurt my feelings about it) I still feel low on most days. And the bad thing is the gym is not far from where I work. It's right next to the parking lot where I park my car!! I just can't seem to make myself go.<P>I need some encouragement - please guys.,,<P><P>------------------<BR>CPL

Wrecked self-image<BR> <BR>Thanks for the referal on "out of the shadows". My H bought it tonight and has begun reading it. I have also bought Dr Atkins New Diet Revolution a couple of days ago and started reading it.<BR>Thanks again<BR>TOS

How are things going, Tears? I haven't talked to you in a while. Just wanted to check up on you.<P>

Hello Tears<P>Just wanted to see how you were doing. Haven't heard from you for quite a while.<P>UPDATE: I started going to the gym last week. I go every day now, except weekends, and it's going okay. It's just very difficult as I get tired quickly, but I'm hanging in there.<P>Let me know how you are, please...<BR>