Hi Sad, thanks so much for checking back! I'm just checking in this AM to see how you are.<P>Take care, please keep us posted (oh, a pun). Like everyone's been saying, one step at a time. You are going to be ok. Promise. You can email me if you want. I'll be in and out today, but feel free: naib@mac.com.<P>Ish

Again THANK YOU all so much for your words of comfort.<BR>I feel as if I am living a nightmare and at any moment will wake up.<BR>I am 34 years old,my husband 33,it is the first marriage for both of us.The baby I lost was my first pregnancy and was very much planned and wanted.I actually wanted to wait another year to start a family but my husband was eager...I concieved in the first month of trying.We were both delighted.Four weeks ago he "changed",became very quiet,distant,wasn't sleeping well.I asked him if anything was worrying him,he said no.This went on for one week and then he turned around and said "it's a mistake,this marriage will not work".He did not and would not discuss it further.The next day he left the country,I have not seen him since.I called him several times on his gsm he hardly wanted to speak to me,just kept telling me it is for the best.I then went into complete shut down and lost my baby.<P>The two days following this I remember very little about,I called and told him what had happenend and he told me "never mind". Communication since then has been via email,he has told me he will support me until I get a job,but not to take too long.<P>I have known,loved and lived with this man for five years.This is the kind of man who does not drink,smoke even swear in front of women.I am finding it impossible to understand what has happened to him.He told me to go forward now and forget him as "there is no way we will ever get back together".He has also told me there is no-one else involved.I have not heard from him (email) for four days now,have no idea as to what he is doing,thinking etc His company is based abroad where we have company provided accommadation,I guess he is staying there.He told me not to try and see him. <P>I am finding it so difficult to write these words,I used to thank God each night for my life,my husband and my unborn child.I was the happiest wife in the world,he gave me everything and I thought he felt the same.We were best friends.If anyone has any ideas,advice or has experienced anything remotely similar to this,please let me know.<BR>Last night I thought about killing myself,I then found this web site.I know now that I am not alone.I feel no anger just complete pain.My doctor has arranged counselling for tomorrow to help me come to terms with losing my baby.I will take all the help and advice that I can get.I still think that death is the easy way out,but could not hurt my family and friends as much as what my husband has hurt me.<BR>Thank you all so much.

Dear Sad - I am so glad that you are feeling able to post again, and to tell us more details about your situation. It is such a hard thing to do and it shows that you still have some strength inside you. I can well believe how callous and cold your husband is being at this time - all of us betrayed spouses on this website have watched in complete despair and disbelief as we have seen our partners' personality change beyond recognition. You are not alone - and your husband is going through some very specific, and very recognisable 'stages'. Just believe that for now - because at this time it's more important to concentrate on YOU. It is all too easy to overwhelm yourself with all the problems and worries that you are going through, so let's just focus on one thing at a time.<P>You have made a wonderful start by supporting yourself with the anti-depressants and the counselling - and at the moment that's probably just about all you can cope with. Appointments, daily life, chores....all seem so insignificant right now don't they? One of the things that helped me, was to start writing a journal - a mixed-up and messy outpouring of all my jumbled up emotions and grief, the anger and the hurt. Sometimes I would just write and write - pages and pages of rambling, until I literally 'wrote myself to sleep'. Another thing that helps is to allow yourself to grieve fully for your baby. No man can possibly understand the love you feel for a child even before it is born - from the very first moment when you discover you are pregnant...you have every right to be able to grieve fully for your loss, at whatever stage that was. Have you named your baby? that helps... you can also create your own memorials to your child...I have a special candle to light with a china cross hanging from it. The cross has the month engraved on it in which my baby would have been born. I also spent some time making a cross-stitch for him, I found a kit that had a special prayer on it that I thought appropriate, and then added his name, 'Bobby', and the date. Another thing that helps is to find a special place - a secret place just for you and your baby, where you can go to put flowers and grieve. Mine is along a little-used trail in a local park, underneath a bristlecone pine. I took a small rock from that place, brought it home and painted a memorial on it to my baby - then I returned the rock to my special place. I just go there to sit quietly, write in my journal. It's a very peaceful spot, and through allowing myself to grieve I have found a little peace and a lot of strength that I didn't know I had.<P>Take care of yourself Sad, write to us as much as you need - we care about you and we understand...<P>hugs, Paint.

Dear Sadandalone:<P>You are sad and rightfully so. You are alone AND IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT.<P>Like the others here, I'm very glad you started on anti-depressants. I had to get my dosage bumped up three times (zoloft, first 25mg, then 50mg, then finally 100mg) before it started working. I lost 40 pounds in the first month - at 6'3" and 170 pounds, I looked like a skeleton. Which scared the hell out of everyone that knew me. It wasn't until 6 weeks after d-day that I was able to halt the weight loss.<P>If, after two weeks, you still are in tears all day or on the brink of tears, get to your physician pronto and get the dosage boosted. It *will* work. Been there, done that!<P>Good luck. You are most definitely NOT alone.<P>Bama

Hi sad;<P>Just been reading thru the posts....My ex and I lost two children through miscarriage during our two marriages, I understand your pain and anquish. <P>Re-read what Bama just said because that is what I was about to say...THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU HAD NO CONTROL OVER THIS!<P>Remember that the sun will go down tonight and return tomorrow and that with every day that passes, you will become stronger and will come to see you will get thru this dark tunnel and emerge into the light.<P>Just look at all the people who have already shown that they care!<BR>

Hello,<BR>I have read and re-read all of your helpful replies.<P>What can I do when I have no contact with my H and he does not want any? Can he have no feelings,no hurt and no pain.Is this possible? How can I understand what has happened? I cannot believe my H and my baby have both gone. Why did he not want us anymore? All I did was love him and care for him.<P>Please can someone explain how a person can change overnight. I am sorry for so many questions,I am so lost and seem to be grabbing out and clinging to anything to help me keep my head above water. I am scared to sleep because of the nightmares that I have.I feel so exausted almost as if I am going out of my mind.<P>How can I make him come home?........... Or at least explain what has happened? Whatever it is I want to go beyond this,I want my husband back,the one I knew for five years.<P>I am sorry for so many questions.<BR>Thank you all.

I think at the moment, your husband is trying to run away from everything - leaving you made him feel guilty enough, but then having you lose the baby - well, I can assure you that he WILL be thinking about that. It's very cowardly not to face up to your responsibilities, but a lot of men can't cope with their emotions when they do this - they know they're being cowards, they know the hurt and pain they've caused, they are riddled with guilt, but they just can't face up to it. So they run. They put up a barricade of coldness and callousness to protect themselves from having to face up to reality, to what they've done. I know that my WH is having a lot of problems with this too. In his case, one of the reasons is that he knows he's been a lousy father with our kids - he's hardly ever had the patience to play with them or spend time with them - and now because he can't face up to the guilt of this, he's trying to run away - even to 'start again' with another woman, new kids... and yet at the same time, he knows deep inside that the problems won't just go away if he does this and I think he knows that he's got to face up to them someday. His 'escape' was to have an affair with someone who could spend time with him - no kids in tow, they could just go out and have fun and it was all so easy. It will never work, because they are living in fantasy land, and I think (hope), he's just beginning to realise that.<P>The main thing to remember is that THIS IS NOT THE MAN YOU MARRIED. The man you love is still in there, somewhere - but it will take some time for him to break free of his 'evil' alter ego and return to you. Try and concentrate on the man you married, the man that loves you - and try to ignore anything this 'alien' version of him says and does - beleive me, it's all nonsense coming from a very confused mind! Some of us here refer to it as 'temporary insanity'. At the moment, it will be very difficult for you to feel any sort of compassion for him - after all, he has betrayed your trust, stabbed you in the back, he's done one of the worst things a husband could ever do to his wife. You will be angry, confused, in despair, in denial at the moment. That is why we are advising that you concentrate on YOU for now, you have been through far too much and you need to give yourself time to catch your breath before you start working on your marriage. Rest, eat, grieve, give the anti-depressants time to start working, get sleeping pills too if you need to - your No. 1 priority is yourself, OK? I can promise that you will start to feel a bit better soon, you will find strength you never knew you had - and then we'll start work on getting your husband back.<P>Big hugs, Paint.<BR>

First, don't be sorry - keep asking.<P>We really don't know why your H left. Maybe he got scared and ran. That what mine did. It's been 23 days since my kids have seen their father. Some men do this. Run away from their problems instead of facing them.<P>If you want him back, you NEED to work on you first. You must. We can't stress how important this is. He needs his time to go run away and figure things out, you need to make yourself a better person so that WHEN he does realize the huge mistake he has made, you will be here with arms wide open, a better person than before. You cannot and must not MAKE him come back. It must be of his own free will - otherwise you run the risk of this happening ALL OVER AGAIN. You must know that he came back because HE wanted to.<P>Right now, he is in a deep fog. Don't talk to him. Everything he says is going to hurt you, until he can get his sh*t together and/or you are a stronger person and able to handle his sh*t, just work on yourself. <P>You MUST, MUST, MUST, this is your first step, stop jumping ahead of yourself. It absolutely, positively does NOT mean you are giving up on him and the marriage, if anything you are strengthening it more than you know.<P>I realize you want answers, you need to know why. From here on out, this is your creed, you need to say it 5-6 times a day, everytime you feel down, okay?<P>"My H is in a fog and saying and doing crazy things. NOTHING he says makes sense, I can't believe any of it right now. I need to work on me."<P>I am so glad you read MB and decided not to kill yourself. I was right when I read the desperation in your post. I sensed it - been there (re-read my post about suicide). Remember this: If you kill yourself, you'll never know if you could have saved your marriage, if you could have had another child, if you could enjoy life again. Until you try, you will not know. And THAT is very sad indeed. <P>Please keep posting, let us know what your plans are for the day and how you are going to get through the rest of the night. Please.

Paint,hurtbyhubby and all my new friends,<P>I am reading and listening to what you are saying and am following,and will follow your advice. I just am panicing that if I don't do something now that it will be too late..<P>I know that I have to be stong before I can do anything.Since I lost my baby I am living on Marlboro and coffee,even though I quit smoking 5 years ago.Not very good I know. It is night time now,I am not in USA,and this is the most difficult time.SO,SO LONELY......<P>Each day is blending into another.I don't know where the time is going,sometimes seems so slow and other times it feels like forever since he has been gone.I still cannot go into OUR bedroom,everything is HIM. My thoughts are frightening me.Feel as if I am obsessed as every second of the day and night is spent thinking about H and baby.<P>Sometimes I cry until I am incoherent and unable to even write on MB. Tomorrow I have the counselling appointment amd will also ask the doctor for something to maybe help me sleep. <P>I feel as if the past five years didn't exist and that my future has been wiped out...........<P>What am I with no past and no future? <P>YOU ARE ALL GOING THROUGH SO MUCH PAIN IN YOUR LIVES AND STILL FIND TIME TO HELP AND SUPPORT ME.I hope that I can one day be of help.Without this web site I would not be alive now.Everone who replied to me please know this.You are all in my prayers.

Sad;<P>Please re-read the two posts just above yours.<P>I too, have thought and planned how to do myself in and then I got to thinking one time...if I do this, then it is me that I have hurt the most. Who else would I have hurt...my friends and family...not really, they will grieve and miss me, but they will go on with life...they will laugh and eat, party and dance and I will be in a box in the ground....<P>YOU HAVE TO MEET YOUR NEEDS...as was said, eat, sleep, rest and don't try to linger on your H. He is the one that left. For all you know, he may not be goig through the same thing you are. Why kick yourself, and only hurt you.<P>Get your meds checked and ask the doc for something to help you sleep. When you are rested and have had a chance to turn your mind off for a while, things will look different. And with that new prespective, you can walk back out into your life.<P>We are thinking of you.<p>[This message has been edited by freddyb (edited June 25, 2001).]

What you are feeling right now is perfectly normal - that constant, continuous barrage of thoughts that you can't get rid of. It's so exhausting - I know - you just wish it would stop, that you could get some peace for a while. It does get better - I found out about my husbands affair on April 13th, so I'm just a few weeks 'ahead' of you. I delayed getting anti-depressants until I got suicidal. At that point I couldn't even care for my children - I didn't eat, they didn't eat...my 10 year old daughter microwaved waffles and made sandwiches for her and her 5 year old sister for a few days! I couldn't even be bothered to get them to school half the time. All I wanted to do was either sleep or die. My whole life had been shattered, I was overwhelmed with grief and despair and there was no hope. I actually thought that my girls would be better off without me, because I was so depressed that I wasn't being a very good mother to them, and didn't see how I could ever cope with being a mother again. The only things that stopped me were a) my husbands brother committed suicide a few years ago, at age 18. I have seen the complete devastation that this causes first hand and I couldn't do that to my parents, my girls, my friends. And b) I didn't want my husbands 'other woman' anywhere near my children!<P>I'm English and have lived in the USA for about 19 months now - all my friends and family are thousands of miles away in England. It was tough coping - but my husbands step-mum flew out to be with me for 2 weeks and she was wonderful. She just listened, kept the children occupied - even got me out of the house sometimes! That was when I started to take control of the situation, instead of letting the situation control me. I made some very firm decisions about what I wanted to do next and am still following those decisions. The past 3 weeks has seen me really start to heal in a big way. I did a lot of thinking, a lot of journal writing, a lot of posting, a lot of reading. I was able then to let most of all the anger, resentment, bitterness and hurt go - and to replace those negative emotions with love, compassion, patience and forgiveness - not just for my husband, but for myself as well. I started to find some peace, started to smile again. I have now reached a stage where I can really start working on my marriage - following the Marriage Builders principles - and it's going OK. I will be totally honest with you, in that there is still an underlying, constant 'sadness', which occasionally escalates into a 'down' day and I start to cry again, but most of the time I can override those feelings with more positive ones. My 'down' days are now only about once a week, if that - and I gave up the sleeping pills 5 days ago too, although I'm ready to take them again for the occasional bad night <P>I'm telling you all this because I never, ever imagined that this would happen to me either, and yet I've survived the devastation, I'm still swimming. You will find many, many others who will confirm that things DO get better, that there IS light at the end of the tunnel.<P>When the Prozac kicked in, I was able to get the energy to start helping myself more too. I started writing lists in a second journal (my 'happy journal'): lists of things I had acheived that day (little things, such as 'I got out of bed', 'I did some laundry' - but important to me, because I KNEW then that I had been able to achieve something that day, however small!). I also wrote lists of things that had brought me some comfort or pleasure, or that I was thankful for - again little things, like 'I ate some delicious cherries', 'I enjoyed watching the butterflies in the garden', 'I'm thankful I have enough food to eat' etc.<BR>Another thing I started to do was to write an affirmation for myself every day, such as 'I am strong', 'I have hope'.<BR>You probably aren't ready for this stage yet, but have faith that you will be in time. <P>Take care of yourself, post often and let us know how you are doing and how you are feeling - you are not going to have to cope with this alone anymore, you have friends here who will do everything they can to help you.<P>hugs, Paint.

Hi Sad. You have already helped me by telling me that my post made a difference in your life. That's amazing to me.<P>8 weeks ago I was on the brink of suicide, this site and the people on it gave me hope and helped me to go on. At that time I wished I could do something to help someone the same way they helped me. Thank you.<P>You will feel this way too someday if you keep posting and listening to us. I promise. <P>Thank you for letting us know you are working on yourself and going on. It is step #1. Remember that.<P>Also, please realize you ARE working on your marriage!! What do you think taking care of yourself and making yourself strong is going to do? It will allow you the strength and compassion to REALLY get your hands dirty and work on your marriage. It gives you the BEST possibility of getting your H back, the BEST one. No sh*t.<P>I think Paint's suggestions for grieving for the baby is awesome, especially for your first child. You need it. It will hurt, but with it will come a feeling of serenity I can't explain to you. You have to experience it.<P>Hang in there. I know the nights are the worst. Nightmares suck BIGTIME. Been there, done that, they only happen about every 5 days now for me. Getting better. I hate them. <P>Are you eating? Force yourself!<P>Keep posting.

sad & alone,<P>i wept as i read your posting as i too am going thru pain i could never have imagined. i too had a miscarriage a few weeks ago and left to England to seek support from my family as i was devastated. Upon my return, i found out my husband had been having a four month affair and had invited this woman down from Seattle to be with him whilst i was in England. He spent every penny we have in the bank on her. He told her he was single without any children (we have an 8 month old son) he not only denied me, he called me for everything to her. He called her in front of me to tell her the affair was over and wanted nothing else to do with her. She really is a sweet person who had no idea he was married. She too is devasted as he charmed her too. To add insult to injury (like it couldn't get any worse) he was on the gay chat lines downloading men's pictures. Not only am i devasted by what this man has done to me, i am in acute fear that i may have contracted a disease from this man. Obviously, AIDS being my worst fear.<P>I too cannot go on and am on anti-depressants, sedatives, etc. The pain in unbearable every waking moment and i do not see any light at the end of the tunnel. I have no money and nowhere to go with my son and have to stay under the same roof as the man who has completely destroyed my life. To add insult to injury, he is constantly trying to have sex with me every night. I have literally thrown up in front of him at the thought of this.<P>I hope we can both get through this devastation in some way. I know now we cannot see any hope the future.<BR>stay strong. there are people out there that do care about you.

Hello,<P>Well I managed to get through another night,somehow. Woke up at about 0300am feeling so terrible so I came and sat at the pc reading through all of the replies and all the words of support.Went back to bed with these words on my mind and eventually sleep came. <P>Destroyed Inside,<BR>I have just read through your post,I am so sorry for what you are going through.Seems there is no limit to the pain that one can experience,just different ways that it arrives in your life.I hope that we can somehow help each other through these dark and lonely days.All I am doing at the moment is reading and re-reading all the kind words and advice that I have been offered.I know now that I am not alone and neither are you.The people on this web site are true saviours and I am grateful to each and every one of them.I also have no money as my husband wanted me to stop work and be a "mum and a wife". He has offered to support me until I find a job,he told me to be quick though! Work,I can just about dress myself at the moment.......<BR>Do you have someone nearby that could help you with your baby? <P>Can I ask you if you had any idea of your H "other side", ie the A or the gay chatrooms? Did you ever have any problems like this before? I had NO idea that anything was wrong with my marriage,thought it was solid as a rock. The shock was so great like a physical blow,my body just couldn't take it.He has insisted that no-one else is involved.I don't know if this is better or worse...... I don't know what I am fighting against. I do know that like everyone is advising me,I have to try and get some strength,some balance before I can do anything. I have an appointment with my doctor (she is very supportive) today and am also having counselling to try and help me accept the loss of my baby.<P>My family also live far away and I only moved to this area 6 months ago so do not know many people. Never thought that my life could spiral out of control like this.I do know now that I WANT TO LIVE. He has taken everything from me,he will not take my life as well.I still want to be a mum and a wife and if I die I will never be able to do these things.<P>Please let me know how you are,I am thinking of you,of everyone that is hurting.<P>Thank you all.

Good Morning Sad,<P>you are sounding a little more positive today, which is good...<P>I'm not going to ramble on giving you more and more advice at the moment - you are doing great by reading and re-reading all the messages of support that you already have. These are a wonderful bunch of people aren't they? <P>Let us know how your day goes - your emotions will be up and down like you are on the biggest roller-coaster ride of your life - but you've survived the worst of it already. We're all on the same roller-coaster, so anytime you need someone, you just reach out OK? We'll all help each other through.<P>At the moment I want you to post at least every day, if you can - you need a lot of support right now. Even if all you can post is a ' ' , we will understand and send you some hugs! <P>Look after yourself and nurture the hope in your heart. You are not alone and we're going to help you sort this all out, OK? <P>hugs, Paint. <P>

Hi Sad;<P>Just checking over the posts...lots of great insight....I really don't have anything to add except;<P>We're thinking of you! <P>Make sure you visit the Doc and let us know what happened. I am on some mood modifying stuff at the moment (Wellbutrin) and it really does take about two weeks to kick in.<P>Don't give up!<P>FB

Just checking in. I can't tell you how much of a lift it gave me this morning to read your words and to see the strength and conviction you have this morning.<P><<<<<<hugs>>>>>>

Just moving this back to the top and checking in...

Sad & Alone<BR>I was just wondering how you are getting by, each day? Are you ok?

I've been reading the posts on this thread and am quite pleased to see that you are feeling stronger....with the love and support of the wonderful MB team. Hang in there, honey! It WILL get better.<P>------------------<BR><B>Time heals all wounds as long as you DON'T pick at them!</B>