hi. I posted about a month ago because I was worried my husband would start up again, finding women online, as soon as I went back to work. I'm a teacher. He works at night.<P>Long story short- school's started again- he started up again. only now I can hack. he has online trysts, today he cybered all morning. pretended a blow job 69 with some slut... I could see every word he typed. he was going to lie about it too. he'd promised not to after being caught last week and the week before... he always promises to stop. always says he loves me. always says he doesn't want to or need to do it.<P>I'm not fat. I'm pretty, athletic. I'm smart. But I'm obviously not what's enough for him.<P>maybe he's sick- addicted. But I'm mostly thinking I'm going to die. I keep thinking I don't deserve this- that someone else might not treat me this way... problem is I only love him. I'm the kind that mates for life I guess. I'm the kind that loves unconditionally- and I keep on forgiving and forgiving and forgiving- only to have my face shoved in the muck again.<P>I have kids to teach tomorrow. A wonderful art project all planned that they'll love, and I'll be a walking zombie, but make it through for them. <P>I confronted him on the phone just now. he tried to lie again. always does at first until I quoted him verbatim some of his lines. when he realized I knew- that I could actually see, and that he was caught, he tried to say it means nothing again. same old song and dance.<P>he tried to say- "well you're the master screenname... change my password"- but you know what? i want him to just not do it. I don't want to have to "hide the bottle," so to speak, to get him to stop drinking. <P>please just talk to me, someone. I just need someone who knows what this feels like. I just need to talk and have no one to tell. my friends wouldn't believe this. he's too.... wonderful- normal seeming... he won't go to therapy with me.<P>it's happened over and over over the last few years- I'll think it's stopped only to discover it's going on again. <P>I finally figured out how to see it all. <P>if he'd even just been honest! if he'd even just let me feel like I was more important than them instead of less important than them!<P>I feel like dirt. worse! my best friend, the man I love more than any other person in the world can do this to me!<P>if I didn't have my own children, and other people's children to care for I'd be finding a way to leave the planet. that's how bad this feels.<P>jenamayr@aol.com

Hi Jena:I know what you mean when you say you want some one to talke to in the worst way. I watch my daughter while my wife works. It is hard keeping it all inside. Working will help try to keep your mine off it. My wife is working on her second affair. So I know about the problem with truth. I too married for life or I though I did. I have had problems to knowing how to fulfill her emotional needs. It is hard but I think for better or worse means just that. I know you hurt. focus on what your husband is missing and try not to chase him away. That is why my wife is starting a second affair. I did not do a good job with how I dealt with it. She has such a wall built up now it is hard to get in. Try not to let him <BR>build that wall. What can you do to fulfill his need and what is it adventure, lust desire, I myself do not get cyber sex but who knows I guess some people must enjoy it.Maybe you could play the game with him. Maybe he wants something from you and is afraid to talk. From my experience keep the lines open. It is much easier send then done. Good luck and I hope you get lots of advice. If you are intrested i could tell you all the mistakes I have made so you do not do the same thing. for now try to talk and really listen. What he tells you is important. Try to keep the taker from coming out and be the giver. he has the problem and why you must take all the pain is beyond me but that is how it works. Listen he will tell you things that hurt and you must listen. My wife has told me she does not find me attractive anymore, how her other lover dances sexy, all kinds of stuff. They important thing is listen do not judge no love buster. Get this over with and move on do not dwell on the past

Jena,<BR>This is long, but what I read is SCARRY. Much of this I am speaking of is from a mans perspective and with some experience. So here goes.<P>I can hear your giving nature and loneliness, should be a big danger sign for H, but he's not seeing anything but himself right now. I agree with Allicat, sometimes that's the way it goes. You and your good graces have taken advantage of over and over when you catch him. <P>If you do check out to somewhere else, PLEASE be careful not to find someone else or someone else "recognize" the goodness or loneliness in you. You and your H will both more messed up than you can ever imagine. I know it's weird and you don't believe it can happen to you, but believe me, it can happen to anyone! I cannot emphasize this enough, BE Careful! The wolf is at the door, and he will disguise himself to get you under his wing, it is easy for men to do and VERY easy for a man who's been in a A to recognize. It's a Power/Control thing. It will happen innocently and where least expected, that's how it works. You are in a very vulnerable position even though you say you are married for life, a man WILL recognize your value, and destroy what you know you have with your H. And if it does happen, you will justify it by saying that it made you feel valuable, and that H didn't do that at the time. This is normal, but very destructive to your future relationship with H, anyone reading this, keep your mouth shut on telling him or her you NEEDED it! Your WS can justify what they did in their minds using the same logic. You may be better because of what happened, but your Spouse surely isn't and won't be. Of course, tell the truth about what happened, but don't say it made you a better person. But NEVER justify it! Would you wish cancer on a cancer survivor so they could become the better person they are today, or an Affair on a friend because the couple needs to grow individually or together? Are you kidding? When you're in the fog, you justify it and say stupid things cause they make YOU feel better. <P>NEVER tell your S that intimacy to any degree with another person made you a better person! NEVER! Did it? Maybe, but remember the good times you and your Spouse had in the past, and you didn't need it then. Did you grow, learn, yes of course. There was a post by "Beautiful" on how her H told her about him having a R A after she has worked on being faithful for a year, no contact etc. please read it.<BR>I rest my case. Be smart,keep your mouth shut till you are out of the fog or your pride will come back to haunt.<P>H needs help, he has a sickness and is living in a fantasy world of words, and thus words to you mean little except how they make him feel right now, they empower him, he thinks this is trivial. However you can make him stop, he must stop and get help. Throw the computer away, erase the hard drive, act now. Don't be afraid to act to save yourselves, as I fear it will not be him that will make the wrong move, but you. H doesn't realize what he's done to you by devaluing you with these lies, deceptions, and the crap that goes with it. Be careful with yourself, protect yourself. Keep seeing good counsel, and get him to go! If he doesn't have a plan and make sure he knows about it. If you want a good book to read about this stuff find "The State of Affairs" by Todd Muliken. He's an excellent counsoler, and is helping my W and I thru our situation. I can tell you that by H not seeking help on this issue, is not helping matters at all, and will put more doubt in one's mind. <P>Honesty and intimacy go hand in hand. Sex is always in the mind, and his mind is not on you, and it's breaking your pure heart for him. Don't loose that purity, or believe me, it will break him. He's been taking that purity for granted for so long he doesn't realize how much he's banking himself on it, it's made him what he is right now, and he won't know who he is when he looses it. And he's too much in the fog to see that he's on the verge of losing it. Once that twisted trust of his is gone, doubt lies ahead. You will both be very different people, the same core, but trust issues will arise by both of you. Remeber the Elvis song "Suspicious minds?" Every word will become suspect. You will both get to the point where you don't give a ####. It's ugly, and it will not go away for a long long time, if ever.<P>TELL him where you are at right now emotionally, He needs to know it. I know he might SAY he does, but he has no idea, no concept where he's making the relationship go. Do not be afraid of doing this, even if you think he's not listening, at least you CAN say you warned him. <P>I'm sure he's a wonderful person, and others I'm sure think that too. He knows how good he is with words, what others think of him. If you become non-needy of him, it will shake his world for some time, and he WILL panic, but as time goes on, he will grow to resent it, and may/will get a FU attitude. He's banking on you continuing to think he's great and being the same person you have been for the rest of his life, but you will not be, and pride of this fact on your part will cause division. He may not/probably will not accept that, and will come to resent it. He will suspect that now you think you're better than him. As time goes on, anger will exude by both of you. Maybe that will be good for you, and maybe for him, but aloofness will ensue from the suspicions and the unknown, and he WILL grow away from you, more than you can imagine. If he sees you dispise him at every turn as a result of his affections he tries to give you that you have not had for so long, doubt will pervade his thoughts. He will immediately think he is never capable of filling your LB as the OP did, and will feel defeated. He will have doubt and a "what's the use" attitude, and as his resentment builds, though unjustifiably in your mind, a FU attitude will grow that will rot you both. It will seem impossible for you and him to get any intimacy back. If you were good kissers, even that will be gone. Suspicion, doubt and dispare will pervade, you will only exist, and this is the only thing that you can build on. Sex... forget it. It is horrible. <P>Please have him read this post, I wish I could shake him, slap him, beat him with a stick. Get help. There is still hope/time for you two, but he knows not what he's dealing with.... I will pray very hard for you two.

<<I know you hurt. focus on what your husband is missing and try not to chase him away. That is why my wife is starting a second affair. I did not do a good job with how I dealt with it. She has such a wall built up now it is hard to get in. Try not to let him <BR>build that wall. >><BR>I've done this for months. His wall has always been there from the get go.<BR><<Maybe you could play the game with him. >><BR>Tried this. Didn't work. He says it felt ridiculous to do it with me when he could have me physically.<BR><<for now try to talk and really listen. What he tells you is important. Try to keep the taker from coming out and be the giver. he has the problem and why you must take all the pain is beyond me but that is how it works. Listen he will tell you things that hurt and you must listen. My wife has told me she does not find me attractive anymore, how her other lover dances sexy, all kinds of stuff. >> I've listened to a lot of painful things trying to get a clue on how to be whatever it is he needs me to be... I don't think he can tell me. Even when he has, he takes it back or says it wasn't what he said. He's so used to lying he can't even remember what he says. What I mean is, if he says something and wishes he didn't say it, sometimes he'll simply say he didn't say it! I felt so crazy one night I felt like I needed to record the conversation and play it back later!

<<If you do check out to somewhere else, PLEASE be careful not to find someone else or someone else "recognize" the goodness or loneliness in you. >><P>Don't worry. No danger of that. This may sound strange, but I simply love only my husband. I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to even think of anyone else. I think that's what what he does is so painful. I could never conceive of doing something like this to the person I love. To me it means I am simply not important to him. It's destroying me. I feel I need to step out of this horrendously painful cycle- merry-go-round--- need to get off! I'm literally dying! He hooks me in with promises over and over- he woos me back to thinking he loves me only to rip out my insides again and again!<BR>I know I sound melodramatic- but it's simply what is! I've got to get away to save myself. But I still only want him... makes no sense I'm sure. But it's how I feel.<BR><<And if it does happen, you will justify it by saying that it made you feel valuable, and that H didn't do that at the time. >> Nope. I've already been tested and walked away clean a few times already. Believe me.<BR><<TELL him where you are at right now emotionally, He needs to know it. >> I have. As clearly and as calmly as I can. I've told him that while I want no one else- while I wish we could find happiness together- I cannot live with what he's doing- that I must leave in order to save what's left of my sanity. That I know I'll feel great pain in not being near him- but that I want him to be free to do what he really wants. I've told him that I rewalize what he wants is to do this and be with me also, but that it will kill me, and I'm going so that he can see more clearly what choice he has made.<BR> I'll die if I stay. He ropes me in- I believe- he kills me again. I don't sleep when I find out the pain is so great. Even after the fiftieth time I've had hope dashed. I simply can't believe anything he says anymore. <BR> I'm not the woman who can make him not need this. I'm not the woman he loves. Every woman he gets involved with is the antithesis of me! I am tall, short haired, white (tho I tan dark). He goes for small, brown skinned long haired women every time. I simply don't fit his idea of beautiful and erotic and sexy. While I know I'm attractive and healthy he has made me to feel that I am some ugly geek anyway! I've got to get out of here before I'm destroyed emotionally!. His opinion matters way too much. And he can't help it that I am simply not IT for him.<BR><< If you become non-needy of him, it will shake his world for some time, and he WILL panic, but as time goes on, he will grow to resent it, and may/will get a FU attitude. >><BR>This is exactly what he already has. I've spent the last year getting higher education and a new and better job. I've needed him- but I know it appeared I was surpassing some invisible goal and that I was beyond him and didn't need him... And boy oh boy is he bent on needing no one. He's always been like that. That has hurt often and from the get go... (13 years together)<BR>Thank you I will ask him to read this- he's like you... he thinks I will look elsewhere.<BR>But I never will. Not as long as there is any hope that he might come around.... change.... stop this.... It's just not going to happen with me staying and forgiving over and over.<BR>

Jena,<BR>It's so good you've thought all this through. I'm just afraid one time you will break, and if you do... Anyway, it's good for him to read too, I W was the same way, never thought it would happen, she was tested before too. It can, fortunately for me/us it was minor and a major wakeup call for both. I was where he is, I thought I was so smart and strong, and had an ego that never quit. That is comming back, but now it's for my W, and she's got a hard time believing it, but it's true, and only for her. There's nothing I don't adore about her. It's really weird comming from me, I know. I cut myself off from everything that would arouse me except her. Ya gotta do that, or the crap gets in the way. Even the smell of her hair lotion even drives me wild. She is extremely sexy. Not that she wasn't sexy before. Sex was not a problem, it's just now I crave her, hunger for her, desire her constantly, think of all the nice and naughty things about her. Very cool. I wish this on your H and you, but he will not realize that until he's there. I was where he was a couple years ago. Never thought I'd be here, but I'm proof it happens. I guess it's a mind set. I even E-Mail my W cool stuff, definate inuendos you must think of her that way. He needs to find his way to transfer the crap he's doning to you. At first it will seem awkward, but as he does it, and you respond, even a little, it will come natural. And if you feel awkward about it, think of it this way, would'nt you rather it comes from him to you? The stuff I send makes me feel devious, but good now. I don't want, or even think about anything but her. Yes, it's bizaar comming from where I was, but she's sooooo cool, and it's sooo meschevious and fun! And I'm married to her!!! Lips, hips, face, hair, skin, toes, legs, tummy, yummmy! Get the picture? <BR>Good luck.<P>TopCat<p>[This message has been edited by TCat (edited September 08, 2001).]

<<He needs to find his way to transfer the crap he's doning to you. At first it will seem awkward, but as he does it, and you respond, even a little, it will come natural. And if you feel awkward about it, think of it this way, would'nt you rather it comes from him to you?>><P>YES!!!! Even as I read everything he typed to that woman just the other day I couldn't help but feel turned on at the same time as I felt sick. I even let him know that if he'd spent the time typing all that to me I would have loved it! That's part of the whole reason it kills me! I can't believe that he needs to say things he should only be thinking about in terms of me to some stranger! He rarely says and <I>never</I> writes anything like that to me. I get all the action sure- (at least I pray I'm the only one getting real action) but obviously other people's opinions are what matter and other women are on his <I>mind</I> and in his fantasies. I feel like I'm just the convenient receptacle when he needs the outlet. I have a feeling he would disagree or deny this- but his actions are speaking much louder than words right now.<BR>Thank you...<BR>Jena

Found ou Aug 13 that my H was having an affair for nearly a year-whe called me. my teenage sons heard the entire conversation...Jena, lucky you caught him in the chat room-wish I would've been as smart. never suspected a thing-he was playing hearts whenever I walked in-started with phone sex, found the bill-he never did it again-then inernet porn-cauth him, never did it again, then emailing a girl he worked with telling her about his lousy sex life-then the chat room. found out this was his second affair-1st one was when my mother was dying of cancer-I was grieving the loss of my mom, he was greiving the loss of his girlfriend. Met them both online. Had sex with her in my house when my kids were sleeping and I was away on business. She was at the ball fields watching my youngest son play ball. She left her H and moved 10 mins away from us to be near my H. I kicked him out-gave him a yr to get his act together-don't know why. I love him, cannot belive this is my H of 21 yrs. Who is this stranger? Now his family is treating my like a leper.

paks~ I'm so sorry. Your experience sounds like hell. Every time I hear from someone that the computer stuff changed into real life stuff- I want to run screaming. <P>My H has lied so much about anything he could that I'm afraid he could lie about this also.<P>His whole rationale for lying is to protect my feelings. So if he can legitimatize what he's done that I know of-- why couldn't he find a way to condone worse-- and lie about it for the same reason?<P>He insists that he has never met anyone-- even tho I saw e-mails in the past planning to--- says he never did... even tho one time he accidentally called me on his cell phone without realizing it while on a business trip and I could hear him laughing and talking with a woman.... he insisted others were present too...<P>Is he a chronic liar? Am I a fool to keep forgiving him?<P>Even now he's been trying to hook me back in--- promised to call a therapist when I said I would move out... He didn't yesterday or today... If I don't walk out will he ever try?<P>I didn't sleep right for days. I pray you've found a way to sleep. I want peace... <P>The whole country's not getting any peace today... SEPT 11, 2001 ~ mainland American soil ....<P>Peace to the world!

Jena,<BR>I have to sympathize with you here and share some of the things that I have been going through over the last year. I too was a victim of "Internet Affairs" as my W grew relationships on-line.<P>I have given my entire heart to one woman and blindly, unconditionally loved her for 20 years. I too assumed that she could never be unfaithful. I guess that's what hurts me the most.<P>While away for a six month tour (Popeye the Sailor), she gave her heart and spread her legs for a boy younger than our relationship. I found out when I caught her crying over her keyboard with a broken heart. My curious (untrusting) mind probed deeper to find out that she is currently in another on-line relationship and that her ex-lover was on his way out of the country.<P>I found all of this out this morning, and I am still trying to cope with it, but my advice to you is to keep coming back here for help. Don't give up on yourself, these folks in here are GREAT! One other piece of advice is something that my dad used to tell me whenever I got hurt..."That which does not kill you, only makes you stronger!"<P>I tell my kids when they get hurt "If you're gonna be stupid, you gotta be tough!" Sorry, just thought I'd try to put a smile on your face <P>Good luck and hang in there,<BR>Pops

<<I found all of this out this morning, and I am still trying to cope with it, >><BR>This online betrayal is a real epidemic isn't it. Would these wives and husbands be as likely to be doing these unfaithful things? Does the Internet ensnair people who would otherwise not do these things? I keep looking at my H thinking <I>he</I> wouldn't ... would he? Isn't he being tripped up by the lure of the online anonymity? Doesn't he somehow forget who he really is in the face of such temptation? <P>I know there are plenty of affairs happening without the computer being involved at all ... but I'm wondering about the people with whom the Internet started the whole downhill snowball effect. It appears many are swept clear away into the real betrayal deal.<P>What starts out as an interesting diversion somehow makes certain souls go wayward. While some of us, exposed to the same thing are somehow immune to its clutches.<P>I have never liked talking in chat rooms. It seems so false and shallow. People can be so fake! I sometimes speak with friends who've moved far away in Instant Messages (saves phone costs) - or other moms in similar situations on certain message boards. But to simply go sit in a strangely named chatroom ("Married Home Alone," "Married and Flirting," "Married But Not Dead," etc) to flirt with strangers ... seems so empty and counter-productive somehow.<P>Maybe the newness will wear off. My H keeps insisting that he's through - it bores him, he doesn't "need" it or really want to do it - that it meant nothing. But then he does it again as soon as he thinks he can do it without my knowing. <P>YOU SAID: "I tell my kids when they get hurt "If you're gonna be stupid, you gotta be tough!" Sorry, just thought I'd try to put a smile on your face "<P>Hey! Are you implying I'm stupid to keep taking it? Or are you implying my H is tough because he's been stupid? (haha)<P>Jena

Jena,<BR>I agree that the Internet is a great place to be that person that you always wished you were. Sometimes I think about all of the people out there who pretend online to be someone they are not as a real person. Who are these people trying to kid? They already know who they are! I've always had the idea that if someone doesn't like what I really am, that's no reason to change that and "pretend" to be someone else.<P>Anyway, I hoped that would do something to help your despair! I always took my last statement the same way as my father's statement, but only a little bolder! No one is immune to stupidity...so we all have to be tough!<P>Pops<P>

I'm glad you feel 'validated' Jena. I hope it all works out for you.

internet affair has ruined my husband. For what i thought was a good relationship, has totally gone to pot within 2 months. we went on vacation and everything was great, we started thinking about having a baby and making lots of plans. now i am thankful we don't have a child. he told me he was online chatting, because he was so bored at work. it started out just chatting within the jewish community, talking about isreal. then he decided to move on to single chat lines. that's just it, he isn't single. one day i looked on our mutual email account and found a reply from someone he sent a picture to. it was a picture of him in his tuxedo at our wedding. I went on line and researched a little to see if this is really considered cheating. on one hand it isn't because it is flesh on flesh. on the other hand it is when your spouse is uncommfortable with it. so i told him i was and told him to stop it. he said he would. well he didn't. he left his email open recently and read things that made want to throw up. romantic things that he would never say to me. we talked it out and he agreed to see a therapist. he told his best friend that he wasn't sure if wanted to married to me anymore. i just don't understand, how it could change all so quick. i feel so out of control. today i disconnected the internet access and our extra phone line. why does he feel like this. how could he be fooled by the fakeness of the people on the other side. he doesn't even know if he is talking to a woman or not, or how old she is. i saw a picture and it was a little too perfect. almost like a jcpenny catalouge. from what i read this person is in Europe. but he has been buying phone cards. i just feel sick. sorry this is so long. i just needed to vent, because i am starting to get mad. he is leaving for the navy in two weeks and i basically won't see him for 4 months. i think this might be good for him, because they pretty much instill responsibility, and honor. i would really appreciate some feed back.

Hello Yoda:<P>I don't know why they start or why it's so hard for them to stop. It really is like an uncontrollable illness that takes over. I know that it starts before it starts - that there are reasons that have to do with both partners - and that the marriage needs a chance to be worked on before it gets worse. My husband has called a therapist for an appt because I was finally leaving otherwise. I hope it helps.<P>He also e-mailed me a copy of what he wrote to the last girl he spoke with telling her he was sorry for involving her in something he never should have been doing. He told her that he didn't want to betray me, his wife, anymore and that he would never speak with her again, and never should have been giving her what should only give me - even if it were only words.<P>I'm not sure why he felt the need to tell her that he was wrong for doing what he did. Maybe it was to prove to me that he really feels that now.<P>It took forever for him to get to this place, if he really is here ... and saying these words. Is it because I was making arrangements to move into the house of a fellow teacher, and had made arrangements for still being at home with our son until his bedtime? Is it because he knows I can see what he writes if he tries it again? Maybe it finally sunk in that I couldn't live with it, and he'd better stop if he wanted me home. I think maybe he realized that he just couldn't have his cake and eat it too. <P>He felt before, that what he was doing, shouldn't be hurting me- that I shouldn't feel hurt. He'd get mad at me for feeling hurt! For finding out! <P>We will have a lot to work through. <P>I hope that we all, you me, the others replying here, make it through this strange stuff.<P>Oh- something you said reminded me that one time I found out because he actually spoke to a <B>man</B> thinking it was a woman! The man e-mailed me the whole conversation! He found out my name because it was in my husband's profile, because my website has my husband's picture is on it, and my husband wanted people to be able to go and see a picture of him without his sending it! So this guy e-mailed me everything. He was getting a kick out of busting my husband, and then he tried to seduce <I>me</I> into doing the same thing with him! What a weirdo! I'm sorry but that just seems so strange too! I ignored him and pretended that what he said had little effect. I didn't even let him know that this was happening a lot and that I'd ever known. I ignored all advances until he went away for good.<P>Take care. I'm saying prayers for all of us.<P>Jena

hi jena,<P>thanks so much for writing, it helped. i went to see the therapist for the first time yesterday and it she really made me think. she made me think that the internet thing not only brought feelings out in him that he has never addressed before, but now it is making me do the same thing. she said when i talked to her, that i sounded resentful. i guess because i thought of all those things i have been doing without for so long. We have only been married for almost 2 years but we have been together for 9. And now i am realizing "why do i have to accept his selfishness?" i keep thinking to myself,"when is the last time he bought me flowers or took me out on a date?" At least 4 years. pretty sad, huh? i have been so busy making sure that i am strong enough, that i haven't seemed like i really need that stuff, i guess we all need it every once in a while. at least that was what my therapist told me. she said that because i am so proactive and always take care of everything in the relationship, that i scare him away. not that it is my fault, but she said that he probably thinks i don't need support because i am doing just fine on my own. anyway we have another app. tuesday together. this will be the first time. i am pretty scared, because i know there will be some things he will say that i don't want to hear. but maybe he feels the same way. anyway i hope you don't mind, but i would like to use your response to me to take to the therapist. because i think there are some very good points there. i think maybe we have a very similar situation.

I'm flattered you would use my words to help you- flattered doesn't quite say what I mean. Honored and glad I can help someone while this is happening and some good might come of it.<P>I was gone all day at a class. It's Saturday- H's day off...One of the last classes I need to clear my credential to be a full fledged teacher. I checked the computer when I returned to the empty house. My H was at a movie with the kids.<P>He'd done it again. He came home, said nothing. Last week he spent the entire week showing me he he loved me, calling to schedule counseling- staying offline. But today he did it agaibn, and didn't bring it up to me.<P>I tried to say nothing. But he took me out to dinner- something we never do. And the drink before dinner, loosened my control, got me asking. Loosened my tongue I guess. I tried very hard not to LB. But I couldn't wait any longer to see if he was ever going to tell me. I told him what I knew, and he was his old grouchy 'how-dare-you-look' self. He insisted that "it was nothing" instead of saying he was sorry. He was back in denial. <P>I tried to lighten up the evening and drop it. The place we went to was one of the best we'd ever been to... the food was so good. I wanted to just enjoy myself for once! Pretend to myself my husband likes me alone. But another drink caused me to get tears in my eyes, and say maybe he should leave me before it was too late- to find the young thirty year old like he seems to pursue every time he got online. <P>I don't even know what I meant myself, but somehow I couldn't help saying ; "I'm only me, and that's all I'll ever be." I realized I was acting shell shockedand tried to make sense. I tried to explain to him that while he feels that what he did today- which was "merely" flirt briefly with a few people people, and tell one he'd cybered with last Friday that he better not talk to her or he "might get himself going and into trouble again..." was nothing- I feel he's like an alcoholic thinking he can have a few sips of beer and be all right. I said "bottom line is, you've showed me you won't stop. And you were not going to say a word about it- which is lying by ommission."<P>I'm sorry to keep needing to talk about all this.<P>There's nothing I can do.

I spent over a year in your shoes, before she left with her cyber man. I suggest you search all you can on internet infidelity and internet addiction. Find a good counslor and get help.<P>

hi jena!<P>i sware we are going through the same thing. Saturday night we had dinner with his parents and then went home. he was being very sweet and very talkative. i thouhg maybe he was workig his way through this. but sunday morning i looked in his checkbook and there was a check for another calling card. it was about 8:30am and he was still sleeping. i woke him up and told him to pack up and get out. that i wasn't going to have him keep lying to me. well he did. we didn't talk until yesterday at the therapists office. he did open up pretty good. he said he is not sure that being married is good for him. that he feels like he has missed out on a lot of experiences. whatever that means. he was a very heavy pot smoker. and just recently quit. i think that he has redistributed his addiction to this person. he says he is confused and feels like he is in no mans land right now. that he feels a tremendous amount of guilt. as he should. he also says that he is worried when he goes to boot camp that i will find someone else because i would have given up in him by then. the worst was yesterday. we were driving home with his sister and his cell phone rings. usually he will answer it or tell me who it is. his sister asked him if it was there mom, and in a very guilty tone he said no and dropped it. of course we all knew who it was. i just started balling. god, my husbands girlfriend is calling him with his wife in the car. i think it bothered him a lot though, because at that moment his fantasy crossed over into reality and i think he felt dirty. but who knows with him anymore. the therapist told him that right now is probably not the best time to trust his feelings. that he needs to be patient and not be so ahead of himself. it hurts though. he feele like marriage is stifling. but what i really thinkg is that he is trying to have his last hurrah before he leaves. i don't know. i just can't sleep or eat. i have already lost 12 lbs. in two weeks. sorry so long. i think i am going crazy!!

Dear Jena<P>I just wanted to let you know that i also have a situation similar to yours where my H was having cybersex with women online. I caught him by chance and found he met one of them. The difference with you and me though is my H claims he did all this because i put on weight since my pregnancy to my son and he longed to have sex with someone thinner. And of course your H hasnt met anyone in person yet. But I can still fully understand your feeling of betrayal. Even though my H has stopped all contact i am having trouble forgiving him and getting past it all. My self-esteem has been crushed. But hopefully through individual counselling i will be able to do this.<P>I strongly believe your H needs to get into counselling. If he is not willing to go with you he still needs to go on his own. He needs the help to work out why he does what he does. I would also suggest you get C in order to help you get passed it all and learn to cope through it. Maybe you should also consider shutting down your computer completely for a while until you work things through. I know this might seem extreme but he might come to realise how wrong he was going on line with other women when he hasnt got the access of temptation. Anyway this is just my opinion.<BR>Vent as much as you need to. I do the same as i have no one else to talk to besides my Counselor. It really helps me to get it out. <BR>Good luck to you both. Let us know how you go.<BR>TOS