Here is what I have drafted so far for the W's OM:<P>"[OM],<BR>I know you don't know me, just as I don't know you. I am [S]'s husband and have been for 18 years now. I just thought that you would be interested to know that she has a very loving husband who is currently trying to repair some minor damage to our marriage.<P>Don't get me wrong, I have more information about what you both have been talking about than I care to know. If I didn't love her as much as I do, I would probably react to these "details" a little differently, but I think that we could work this out man-to-man.<P>I hesitated writing this because of how much it would hurt her if you tell her about it. I don't want to hurt her. She has been through a lot of pain in the past few years, and she doesn't need any more. It's true, I may have caused some of that pain, but there's one thing that's always been constant in our marriage, and that is my love for her. I've always been there, and will always continue to be there for her no matter what. There's not another man on this earth who could say the same thing about her, not even you.<P>I'm not going to drag out something that should be short and sweet so here it is. I need your help to get her back in my arms where she belongs. All you have to do is be a man. She was once happily married, but even if she's not happy right now, she's still married. The problems we have had are ours. We will work out our problems, and a gentleman would consider this before attempting to solicit feelings from a married woman.<P>I won't bother with further coorespondance to you as long as you allow [S] and I to live our own life together, just as planned long before you entered it."<P>Let me know what you think before I hit the send button on it.<P>Thanks,<P>POPS

Pops,<BR>Guess its my turn to reply. When I found about the W's A, I sent the OM-SOB (I'm trying some of this new lingo) an email and told him that we had to talk about the relationship that developed between them. This was before I found out it had sexual overtones, I thought at that time that it was a friendship thing that had started to become more. In the email I told him that I wasn't a vengeful or angry person and that he owed it to me as a man to come clean with me. I even told him that we could talk via email if it made him more comfortable. All I wanted to do was get some answers and maybe a little understanding.<BR>Let me tell you Pops, that guy sent me an email that was so full of it I almost lost it right there at work when I read it. This guy is a class act, and he was also my neighbor and friend too, which made it worse. That whole thing the Chinese have about honor and all that really holds true here. He has brought dishonor not only to my family, but his as well. I was going to email him back and rip him a new one but cooler heads prevailed, which I am thankful for now.<BR>If you send that email, be ready for almost anything. But, if I can offer my advice, tell him that you love your wife and don't want to hold anything against him. I don't know about telling him all that you know about them, it may cause them to be even sneakier and more secretive. Maybe just a simple "I just want to come to an understanding about the relationship you developed with my wife." <BR>Also, as a real man, this guy needs to decide what exactly his motives are. I mean, how can a woman trust a guy who is fooling around with a married woman? I guess that's the contradiction here, isn't it? If he loves your wife too, then he needs to do the honorable thing and either offer to marry her or tell her its over. <BR>I'm feeling for you Pops, hopefully we will all get through this as better people.<BR>

Pops,<P>What do you really want from this guy? What do you want to gain by writing this letter? <P>If he is anything like the snake, I mean OM my wife was involved with, a letter like that would have only given him hope that he still had a chance to run off into the sunset with my wife.<P>Even after I confronted him and I must say I was not very nice about it at all. He still went after her with his silver tung begging her to dump me and go with him to live happily ever after. (what a crock)<P>Telling him that "we can work this out man to man, I've caused pain over the years, I need your help...." does not really get to the point and some of that he could use against you. <P>What if you painted a picture for him describing a loving family begining with your wedding day, the fun and joy over the years, the birth of your children.... you know give him a dose of reality and explain that the life you and your wife have shared is real and he dosn't have a chance in hell with your wife because you love her and share more with her than he ever will! <P>He will never want to speak to you so this letter should say it all and it should pack a solid punch. When he finishes it, he should sit back and say to himself, "OH MY GOD, WHAT HAVE I DONE"?<P>Just a thought, I don't have time to say more now but I will be thinking about it and will post again tonight. Hopfuly others will give some input. Remember that nobody has all the right answers and these are only my honest opinion, I could be totaly wrong. One thing I do know is we are in the same boat, I have just been in it longer and I feel your pain like you can't belive. Lucky for you and "loveherstill" you guys found MB early on, I went through this alone for nearly a year before I found it.<P><BR>God Bless, Stillhurts<BR>

Pops<BR>I agree with what Stillhurts has to say. You gotta be real careful with this letter thing. I don't know, maybe there is another way to approach this guy. I'll bet that he shares this letter with W as soon as he gets it. It's a tough call, your going to have to try and see all the angles on it. I have thought about what you have said and if you think it is going to hurt your W even more, don't do it, that's a Love Bank withdrawal that you can't afford right now. I was just fortunate enough that my email didn't cause any more damage.<BR>I think you said you found about it only a little while ago. Maybe this isn't the best time to do this. Maybe you should give it some time and work with your W some more, then there may be an opportunity in the future when you two have worked some things out and this letter can be the wooden stake that finally sends this vampire where he belongs.<BR>Stillhurts nailed it with the silver tongue thing, but I should add it's a silver tongue and a swinging other thing. My W told me that the OM-SOB said all the right things to her and just kept working on her, almost like some kind of drug. If this guy is doing the same thing, I think you need to lay low with the confrontation for a while because he will twist it around and use it against you.<BR>

Pops,<BR> If you think writing a letter "man to man" and you are counting on him to have some morals and do the right thing,you will be dissapointed. He was sleeping with a married woman for gosh sakes, if this didnt appeal to his morals - you certainly wont!<BR> He will think you are in trouble asking for HIS (????) help, to regain your marriage.<BR> He will immediatly tell your wife. He may say your stalking him.<BR> IF you do write a letter make sure its something you want your wife to see. Dont LB right now. If it would make her angry, remind her of him... dont do it. If it would make her feel good that you are willing to put up a fuss for her, write one that would make her feel good if she see's it. Keep a copy so when he tells her you threatened him you can show her what you wrote.<BR> I think a simple, I know about you, we are working on our marriage, we have been deeply in love before and I know we will be again.<BR> Tell her you want to make her happy but dont know how, can she please help. Say I know I havent made you feel most important to me in my life, but you are and I will do WHATEVER it takes to make you feel important to me. <BR> Then leave it at that, in a day or two she will test you, be prepared, DO NOT SAY I NEED TO FINISH THE TRUCK or whatever. Make a personal sacrifice to show her she is important.<BR>Tell her she will go through withdrawel from this man, it will take at least 6 weeks,she will feel awful,but you will help her if she can agree to no contact. She will probably slip up and have contact, it will put her back to step 1, forgive her.<BR> When she is having a bad moment, brush her hair back gently and say "its all gonna be ok, I promise,we can do this". Then be quiet and gentle. She will eventually talk, when she does LISTEN, repeat back what she says in your own words so she knows you heard her.<BR>Good Luck<BR>Someday I will tell you about when I contacted OW.(rolling my eyes) It has been 6 mos. for me, I am no longer a basket case, but still think about it everyday.

Okay, I got the point here. Hold back the contact with OM-SOB! <P>One thing I should clear up here is that W and OM#2 haven't slept together (at least I don't think they have). They have engaged in cybersex, and more stimulating conversation about love, life and happieness than I have in six months. Her OM#1, the original A that started the whole thing, has moved out of town, and has a new GF somewhere. This is the OM-SOB who "silver-tongued" my W into the sack, made her fall in love with him, then broke her heart, all in less than six months - while I was away.<P>I probably confused everyone in here by refering back to A#1 when I was talking about A#2, and I'm sorry. Its one thing to have your heart broken once, or even twice, but I have had mine broken twice in less than a week. Kinda like it being ripped from my chest, thrown to the ground, and stomped on with cleats, if you get the picture.<P>Anyway, W's contact with OM#2 is still on. W is away right now taking care of her mom (step-relitive death). Because of my job (Navy), I can't take the time off in such short notice without proper justification (ie. death in my side of the family), otherwise, I would have joined her. All I wanted to do with that letter was to let him know that she comes with some baggage - a loving H. I think most people would shy away from a relationship like that if they haven't consumated it yet. I truely believe that he would be a little less apt to discuss his feelings with her, sorta close her off a little, and that would send her back in my arms. Hey, maybe I'm just fantasising here, but I'd like some feed back. She discusses her daily goings on with him to get her emotional needs satisifed, but she doesn't understand that she can get it all right here if she would just take the time to talk with me.<P>Maybe this clears some things up for you all and re-reading the letter with this knowledge might be warranted. Let me know what you all think.<P>Thanks for your input - email is still in my drafts, awaiting editing!<P>Pops

Pops,<P>That makes alot more sence. I agree with you. Send it.<P>SH<P>P.S. you might reread what sadprinces said about "only say what you would want your wife to read" because she will most likely read your letter.<p>[This message has been edited by stillhurts (edited October 02, 2001).]