Well here goes..<p>I am married to the most beautiful woman. She is an incredible mother, a great friend, and when the mood arises, a wonderful lover. We have 4 great kids and a relationship that many would envy. . If they only knew.<p>Some 5 years ago, an attractive young (married) female employee began to show a great deal of interest in me. I was flattered and although resisted my carnal urges (or was it scared of what I was getting into) for about 8 months, finally it happened.<p>Since this time the OW became my best friend and lover and I often contemplated giving up the treasures I had at home in pursuit of the life I thought could be achieved given the needs the ow was meeting. <p>After going through an incredibly tough time over recent months, the relationship with the OW became strained and I guess started to die the natural death spoken of in the readings. <p>I began to see a familiar pattern in the actions of the OW and it occurred to me that she was probably getting into another relationship. I accused knowing it would probably mean the end of my relationship with the OW and would give me the chance to work on what I now realise is everything.<p>I am however suffering many hurts. The feeling of guilt, the anger of betraying and the pain of betrayal, let alone the loss of a great friend. I know I must count the blessings I have at home but it isnt easy. I now know what matters and the readings have helped me.<p>I guess I really wish the love could die and the friendship continue with the OW. I havent called her for 3 days now, not that she was taking my calls after my accusation. . damn it is hard.

and now all i want to do is call the ow to see if she is alright, to hear her voice. . . <p>Dont think this is fun. . . it is killing me!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ausinfidel:
<strong>Well here goes..<p>I am married to the most beautiful woman. She is an incredible mother, a great friend, and when the mood arises, a wonderful lover. We have 4 great kids and a relationship that many would envy. . If they only knew.<p>Some 5 years ago, an attractive young (married) female employee began to show a great deal of interest in me. I was flattered and although resisted my carnal urges (or was it scared of what I was getting into) for about 8 months, finally it happened.<p>Since this time the OW became my best friend and lover and I often contemplated giving up the treasures I had at home in pursuit of the life I thought could be achieved given the needs the ow was meeting. <p>After going through an incredibly tough time over recent months, the relationship with the OW became strained and I guess started to die the natural death spoken of in the readings. <p>I began to see a familiar pattern in the actions of the OW and it occurred to me that she was probably getting into another relationship. I accused knowing it would probably mean the end of my relationship with the OW and would give me the chance to work on what I now realise is everything.<p>I am however suffering many hurts. The feeling of guilt, the anger of betraying and the pain of betrayal, let alone the loss of a great friend. I know I must count the blessings I have at home but it isnt easy. I now know what matters and the readings have helped me.<p>I guess I really wish the love could die and the friendship continue with the OW. I havent called her for 3 days now, not that she was taking my calls after my accusation. . damn it is hard.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>ausin,<p>Sorry your perfect little word got screwed up. Does your W know? I hope she is OK.<p>
who

I am sorry for your anger and pain.<p>My perfect little world had me fighting bulimia, contemplating suicide and hating everything about myself for the life I was living. Now it has just got a little worse but at least I see light at the end of the tunnel.<p>Like I said before dont think it is easy!!!

ausinfidel,<p>You know I have read several of your posts. One was very interesting about loving two women or someting of that sort. I wonder if you are so proud of this have you told your W?<p>Your response about how miserable you have been during the affair somehow doesn't ring very true. Most animals and yes humans move away from pain, not toward it. So pardon me if I don't feel very sympathetic toward your "pain". I have my doubts about its validity.<p>Further, if what you said was true, your W would have probably noticed. Has she? <p>No one who posts here thinks it is easy.<p>But, if you came here for sympathy go elsewhere. You deserve help if you are willing to do the work, but sympathy? not really. Grow up and face the music you composed, orchestrated, and played. It is all yours and no one elses.<p>So, my help and advice to you is not to contact the OW, and tell your W what has been going on. You will never have the marriage you want or deserve without total honesty and the removal of the OW from your life.<p>God Bless,<p>JL

"most move away from pain" and some JL are drawn like a moth to the flame. I guess I am unfortunately one of the minority and I am fighting the demons in my head in an effort to give my wife the love and loyalty she deserves.<p>Yes W has suspected in past. OW and her hubs have even travelled with us. Several times!<p>I dont seek nor deserve sympathy for what I have done but the pain of trying to end it is as great, if not greater than the pain of finding out about infidelity. Trust me I know!

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by ausinfidel:
<strong>I am sorry for your anger and pain.<p>My perfect little world had me fighting bulimia, contemplating suicide and hating everything about myself for the life I was living. Now it has just got a little worse but at least I see light at the end of the tunnel.<p>Like I said before dont think it is easy!!!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>
ausin,<p>I guess the laugh is on you. I knew that you would read that and not have one bit of concern for your W. You would turn that right back around and make it about you. After all, that's what an affair is about. <p>Since you refered to my pain and anger let me tell you a little about my situation. I'm the BS, 11 months from DDay, married 15 years to a wonderful person, and have 3 kids. We are separated right now but we are the best friends we have ever been. I have been filled with more anger and resentment that you can imagine but that was my personal journey and I beat it. I watched my W do the same things you talk about. Yes, she was bulimic and still struggles with it to this day. I have done everything in my power to get her out of this and after 11 months I have learned one thing (hint - this is the message you need to pick up on): She made all of her choices to get into this mess and she is the only one that will get herself out.<p>So austin, you can come here and post justifications, blame, or have a pity-party, but it's not going to do a bit of good until you face your responsibilities in this and suck it up and do REAL work on yourself. There are a lot of answers here if you learn how and are willing to apply them. <p>You've had a very small taste of betrayal that is not even comparable to what your W is facing. I mean, it wasn't as if you promised your life to OW was it? You betrayed her all along too. You still didn't answer the Q. Does she know?<p>
who

I think you missed the point not me. The experience of indidelity I mentioned was in fact that of my wife, the OW didnt even enter the thought. The wife's ONS was probably due to my own issues and her suspicisions about my life driving her to stray. <p>With regard to bulimia and depression, I had and still have these debilitating issues to deal with and I accept that they are due to my actions. My wife is healthy and happy as are our children.<p>I have all but forgiven my wife for her actions and our marriage is stronger than ever. She does not know about the A and I dont know if I will ever have the courage to tell her.<p>Your pain makes me feel for the OW's hubs and how much this would hurt him.

ausin,<p>I had a pretty long reply typed up but after I read it I realized that for now there will be no way to have a meaningful conversation with you. You and I have different opinions and views regarding your actions/inactions (nobody is right or wrong). I apologize if my baiting tactic offended you (I really was trying to get you to open your eyes regarding your W's feelings) but I'm not going to bite into the way you keep bringing up my "pain". If you would like to talk about that subject more I would be happy to discuss it on a different thread after you've gotten past the OW. I have no practical advice for that other than "Just do it".<p>Good luck on your Journey!!<p>
who

Who,<p>I would have like to have read the reply. I know my presence will cause anger just as your presence causes guilt. Remember I have been in your shoes with W and now it seems the OW.<p>The issue for me is the journey itself and making the right decisions along the way. I have cut myself deeply in walking away from a woman I think I loved to commit to a family i know I loved and cherished.<p>I would do anything for my wife but cant accept that telling her would achieve anything. I hope the suffering i have experienced in the course of the A will come to an end and my family can be what we all dream for.<p>Please remember, I know what it is like to be the betrayed spouse and find out. It hurts like hell. I also accept that I may not have been told the full story and although it worries me at times, as the pain never completely goes away, I know that the relationship has changed for the better and now I am prepared to give it all again.

I am the BS of two different A's by the same W and maybe a third. I have been through and am still going through a great deal of pain and have had the same thoughts that you are having now. Going through this tragic time of mine I grown to hate anyone who dishonors their M and totally disrespects their family and H or W. I hear a number of my male associates/co-workers making suggestions about having one night stands. Married or not this justs turns my stomach. From the BS stand point all I wanted my WS to do is be totally honest with me so we could start to rebuild our M. This hasn't occured so I live as a non-trusting, paranoid, BS. You owe it to be upfront and honest with your W. You had the courage to take your clothes off and lay down with the OM. Now have the couarge to stand up like a man and face the music if you truly want your M and love our W as you claim. Yes your W will suffer the pain that we all have here but you need to feel her pain and understand your faults are totally wrong. This is a jiont effort please take your role in a postive manner. Not only have you caused pain in your family but the OW's family also. And your children! Did you ever think of them when you thought of running off with the OW?<p>FIRST OFF YOU NEED TO STOP ANY CONTACT WITH THE OM! <p>Yes, I understand it will be hard but you created this atmospheare now you need to stand up tall and correct it. To a point I understand your pain but I am also not sympathtic in any way until you are up front and honest with your W. Hopefully this occurs ASAP. I have found this site to be a great deal of help for me and I would reccommend you and your W visit this site togeater and alone as I wish my W would do with me. You hold the cards in giving your M a bright future.<p>
AS I STATED, YOU NEED TO BE UP FRONT AND HONEST WITH YOUR W. YOU OWE THIS TO HER AND YOUR FAMILY!!! <p> [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] What shall you do?

Ausinfidel,<p>I have been the betrayer and now i am the betrayed. I know the pain that you are going through, it is like a rollercoaster ride that you don't think you can get off of, maybe you don't even want to get off of. <p>There were times when i convinced myself that i my life thrived because of all the excitement, chaos, etc going on in my head. You seem to be at the point where you know the affair is wrong and you hopefully want to make it right, get all the feelings back with your wife and have a new start... <p>Well, if this is your perspective, there is hope. And I believe you are the one who touched on that in your post, God is your hope and He will do the work for you, you just have to submit to Him and be obedient NO MATTER how hard it is to let go of OW. Let me just say it as clear and bold as i can, the love that you think you FEEL with OW is really LUST. <p>You need to start accepting that fact. Had you not strayed from your wife, you would not have to deal with the road ahead. The road ahead and the time that you spent destroying your marriage is the the same time, if not more that it is going to take to save your marriage. <p>So start today, you know what you have to do...
Get on your knees and ask God to start battling for you. The devil has gotten a good hold of your heart, admit it. God can wipe the devil out with one prayer from you. Remember that God works in his time. You need to become a changed man. Your wife is so precious to God. And although you and ow are loved by God, He grieves over your habitual, planned, outright, contrived sin of adultery.<p>Next Sunday, go to church with your wife and children. Your wife needs a husband, your children need a father. God needs obedience. Start today. Say, "God, here i am, weak, don't know what to do or where to turn, but you promise to deliver me from sin; God, I am a sinner and I need your help. Please forgive me of my sin and lead me on the right path. Put in my heart an unfailing, unconditional, undeniable love for my wife. And Lord, change me, I don't like who i am and desire to be right with you, first and foremost. In Jesus' name, Amen<p>Ausinfidel, God didn't make a mistake when he blessed your marriage. Remember that God keeps his promises even when we don't. He wants to save your marriage, but you have to ask him to first.<p>Good Luck to you and God bless.
Julia

Julia,<p>I thank you for your response and your blessing for my family because God knows they need it.<p>Thank you x

ausinfidel<p>
Why go to the effort of trying to rebuild your marriage without the truth. You would be building on a lie. The OW sounds close to your family and work. How would you like to invest 2-5-10 more years in rebuilding your marriage and self to then have your dirty secret come out then? Want the quickest road to your own personal recovery&#8230; Quit carrying the load that caused your aliments in the first place. Please tell her for your own sake 1st and 2nd for her sake. If you are using the excuse that you "don&#8217;t want to hurt your wife", understand that you've already have hurt your wife. Damage is done, wana make it worse&#8230; hold off even longer. If you love her, then she deserves to know who you are/been/and will be. I mean come on you work and vacation with this OW. How long will your no contact really last without your wife's support. Oh yea&#8230; please show that your one of the enlightened few BS's who refrain from calling the OW to let her know you&#8217;re going to tell your wife. Let the chips fall where they may as far as the OW. <p>Sorry for the ranting tone, but why bother if you don&#8217;t want to do it the right way. Good luck on your journey and may you find peace and happiness.<p>
HI

OK Ausin,<p>Here is the problem. <p>ausin - "The issue for me is the journey itself and making the right decisions along the way."<p>You want to make all the right decisions and you come here seeking advice. Not one BS told you not to tell your W. Every BS is telling you why it is necessary and even though they are hurting they know they can find forgiveness because they also know that a M is nothing without TRUST. The pain of living in a lie far outways the pain of betrayal. Still after all the responses you refuse to open your eyes and think that maybe we have something here. You are not really trying to make the right decisions, you are trying to avoid the most pain for yourself.<p>ausin - "I know my presence will cause anger just as your presence causes guilt."<p>I could go back and post example after example of how you place the blame and responsibility on others but we'll use this one as and example.
You "perceive" that your presence causes anger. It's not you and I have no reason to be angry with you. You came here looking for advice and everybody is giving it to you. It's not what you thought it would be so you're deflecting it back at the people responding to you. I certainly have no control over my presence causing you guilt. I and others were here long before you and you brought that guilt with you. Pinning it on us is not going to do you any good.<p>I will try to explain a little about what I've come to learn about guilt and anger.
I've always been a person to anger quickly. I finally realized that this was a problem not only in my M but in my life. I started going to counseling and reading about it. Anger is an easy emotion. It's the feelings behind the anger that need to be explored. When a person is angry there is always an underlying emotion - fear, hurt, frustration, etc. That emotion or combination of emotions is hidden under the anger. As long as the emotion is not adressed then the anger will come and go. I have looked back at my responses to you and thought that yes, there was a little bit of frustration there. The frustration stems from your saying you want to do the right things and then turning a deaf ear to those with experience that are telling the right things to do. So now I have a choice, do I let my frustration bother me? No, it's not a situation I can control. You are going to do what you're going to do. <p>As far as my feelings on guilt I will just send you to this thread.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=013067<p>
In this thread you will find a discussion with a WS that finds no use for guilt. I think you are the opposite, you seem to be much like my W. You need to hold onto the guilt to use it as a wall to hide behind. Now that I've said that don't play a misdirection and say that I'm full of anger by saying that to you. I said it so you can explore it and come to your own conclusions and do what you want about it which may be nothing.<p>I just want to add one more thing. Everybody has there own demons and bad behaviors. I am not perfect and I accept that anger is a problem I need to and will beat. I did however seek help for it and learned to control it, look for the emotions behind it, and try to find a way to put it in it's place. That was my journey and I don't even think you can understand it. You don't seem like the type to get angry and you probably deal with you anger very well. Just from what I and other have noticed you do have problems with accepting responsibility and deflecting the issues that you should be facing head on. Take it for what it's worth because we can preach and point it out forever but you're the only one that can do anything about it.<p>I really do wish you luck. You have stuck around when it probably would have been easy to run. I give you credit for that.<p>
who

Ausinfidel
I have been reading your posts and replys for a few days. Thought I would stay out of it because I am agreeing with what everyone else is telling you. But, if I may add…<p>Since this time the OW became my best friend and lover and I often contemplated giving up the treasures I had at home in pursuit of the life I thought could be achieved given the needs the ow was meeting.
I heard the same thing from W, "soulmate, my perfect match, we felt the same things at the same time, blah, blah" Its all a fantasy, the contradictions of an A are unbelievable. Once the A is over and the fog lifts, you will see it for what it really was, a gimcrack.<p>I guess I really wish the love could die and the friendship continue with the OW.
It aint going to happen, believe me, W thought the same thing. How can you be 'friends' after being lovers, the sexual tension will always be there. You've already accused her of getting involved with someone else, where is the commitment on her end?<p>My perfect little world had me fighting bulimia, contemplating suicide and hating everything about myself for the life I was living.
You have issues that need to be resolved, maybe the A was just your way of trying to deal with them, or maybe the A caused these problems to develop. You admit your not living a healthy life, you need to get some help trying to overcome these demons.<p>By all means confess to W about what you did, it's the only way. Maybe do it after some individual counseling, or do it with a counselor present, just be a man for Gods sake, that's what you are! You can not hold that much guilt and pain in for very long, it will kill you!. I see you placing all the blame on others like Who says, but I have also read a few thing that show you are ready to come clean and accept responsibility.<p>Its going to hurt for both of you. W tried to hide it from me as well, but it will come out. W told me after confessing how she felt like a huge weight was lifted off of her. If you think W suspects something, then she knows more than you think. I'm glad W told me herself instead of finding out some other way, it makes a huge difference. The only way you can even begin to recover from this is to confess to W.<p>By coming to MB, you have already taken a big step, but I think you have reached an impasse. No one here can help you until you help yourself, you need to make the next move. Please listen to what everyone is telling you. I hope you stay with us, having a view from "the other side" will be a help to all of us.

[QUOTE]Originally posted by ausinfidel:
[QB]Julia,<p>I thank you for your response and your blessing for my family because God knows they need it.<p>Thank you x<p>Ausinfidel,
I agree with you, your family does need the Lord and his blessings, but you have the control to fulfill these blessings for your family.<p>If anyone needs it, you do. <p>You said that your family needs it (blessings)right? -Well, your actions decide whether or not they receive these blessings. If you start acting like or being an honest husband to your wife, she will be blessed. If you start acting like or being an honest father to your children, they will be blessed.<p>May God pour his love out to you tonight. Go give your wife a big hug and kiss and tell her that you love her. Even if you don't feel like it, start today and God will do the rest of the work in your heart. NOW GO!!<p>Love, Julia

Julia is such an angel!!! [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Julia,<p>My wife says that she feels that she is the luckiest woman on earth. I tell her every day just how wonderful she is, how much I love her and I do anything I can for her.<p>ANd now i realise the error of my ways and am giving up something i care deeply for in order to give my wife the loyalty she also deserves.

Ausinfidel,<p>That is soooo wonderful to hear. It just brings tears to my eyes. It won't be easy so don't ever think it should be. The affair is what is easy, marriage is not. It takes time and nurturing. Put your marriage in God's hands and let him work the miracle here. I don't know if you are a God-fearing man, but I recommend praying for your marriage daily and just reflecting on God's power and presence everyday. The Bible says that in God's strength, we can crush an army. That means we are powerful too, with God's help, we can overcome any obstacle in our lives.<p>God bless you,
The Ausinfidel family is in my prayers,
Julia