We have been married for five years. Our jobs and my immaturity kept us apart for long stretches right from the very beginning of our marriage. I have always had OW around at work, and have always had fidelity troubles and really what probably amounts to a sex addiction from a very early stage in my life. Let me back track just a second. My wife and I met in college. We had a wonderful romance, and were what anyone would have called the perfect couple right from the very start. I have always been motivated to work hard, and have always had jobs that required LONG hours, and lots of time spent to finish my work. Being in to my job kept me away even more as I was a perfectionist. During those times, I had some dalliances with three separate women over the years, one of which was very long term. I also developed a pretty bad internet porn addiction that I've been fighting pretty successfully. I also was constantly stressed out, and our slow disconnection coupled with all that was going on in my world, and the pressures of life caused me to slowly become meaner than a snake. And although I was never ever physically abusive I have learned that words can hurt more than fists ever could. I recently found out that my wife was having an affair with a man that she met on the internet. When I confronted her, she simply said, "you drove me to it" and that began the long process of me trying to sort out what had gone wrong. We immediately went away for a weekend, and had a wonderful time, but when we returned and i asked her to give him up she refused, saying "he's like a drug to me". etc. Bottom line, the OM is out of the picture, we have both found each other and have had some wonderful moments in rediscovering each other. I can't believe that she hung on as long as she did, and she was fighting to win my love back to the very end. Her affair WAS the emotional type, a friendship, then a need for him because he gave her what I did not. A shoulder, an ear, a sense of self worth, love. But she swears that she did not love him, and to be honest, I belive her. Her actions throughout actually in many ways prove that all she really wanted was for me to love her and that she was confused. <p>I understand what happened. I know that my actions, poor decisions, and refusal to grow up and be a man caused all this. I'm not angry at her, but rather very sad that I hurt this truly wonderful person so badly and that through it all, she has stood by me. She is so happy now, seeing me change my ways, doing the things she always wanted. I've lost 30 pounds, I'm exercising again, I'm dealing with my anger, totally out of the porn and the other women, etc. She doesn't know about ALL that I've done, and she has repeatedly said that she really doesn't care to. She tells me that she has forgiven me completely. And it's not as if things were awful, just in the last few years we really drifted apart. But I just can't deal with the guilt anymore. She did what she did because of what I did. She is in pain because she hurt me, even after all that I did. I know what I did, and have fixed it all. We've been getting along so well, but I cry every day, I can't get past it some times. Our wedding pictures, our past, it all seems so painful. She sat me down the other day and told me that it doesn't matter anymore as long as I love her. And I had to struggle with the classic "how do you love someone you hurt that much" thing, but I know I love her, it's just the simple truth. I just didn't realize what I was doing, i was so clueless and prideful. She tells me to just let it all go, and to move on. I want to. I want to be happy and making her happy has been so wonderful. She is blown away by the change in me and i have dedicated myself to being a better person period, with or without her. The past is the past I know, but why can't I just get over it? Is it something that takes time? Should I see a therapist? Telling her isn't the answer, because she knows some of it, and simply refuses to hear anymore. She swears she just doesn't care. The old me would have gladly moved on without a care. But I am just devestated by what I've done. And right now it's all so wonderful, I know that once I get over this that we're going to have a wonderful marriage. Oh, and she's a bit upset because I won't sleep with her right now, I'm trying to be sure that we start slowly there. Any ideas, or people who have felt this too?

Wow I wish I could talk to you in person. Your story is about like ours. I did not have an affair tho. My husbands went on for a long time about 7 years. I guess he was feeling the guilt about it because the other night when I asked him I was looking for the same old assurance I had always heard but the words were not the same. It felt like a knife had been stuck in me. It hurt so bad. I could not eat for 2 days. My husband said he did not know where the words came from because he never had planned to tell me. 7 days later I am doing great. I'm not sure how your wife is feeling but I had always been suspicious of some things but being suspicious and knowing are totally different. She may be feeling like she can't deal with it if she knew for sure. Read my ending "Light at the end of the tunnel". For youself to be cleansed you have got to get it out. Even tho my husband didn't want to tell me he still was having to live with it by himself. I can see things now in the last 13 years since he changed from the old habits as you have done held him back and bottled him up. If you are a christian you need to ask Jesus to help you, first to ask forgiveness for what you have done. Then if you wife is unwilling to listen after you tell her you need to get this out of your heart you need to talk to someone. To me she needs to be the one to listen so she can fully forgive you as you did her. You have a plus on your side because you have proven you can change and have. The Dr is right about the honesty. I suggest as the other posters has suggested is to read, read, read. Then apply. I hope the peace will come to you. When you fill fully forgiven you should feel happy to be back in your wifes arms.

You may try writing a letter and putting it in an envelope. Seal the envelope, hand it to her and tell her what is in it. Tell her you need to give it to her. Ask her to either read it or destroy it after you have left the room. Then go for a drive for a while.<p>Her option. I would say respect her wishes. If you feel the need to actually tell someone talk to your clergy. Chances are she has guessed at least most of what you are going to tell her and has forgiven you for it. Sounds like you may be having trouble forgiving yourself. <p>As a priest once told me after I went to confession for the first time in 18 years and a lot of guilt in there. "God has forgiven you and that was the easy part. Now you have to forgive yourself."

I understand the first reply, and I have given serious thought to getting it all out. Believe me when I tell you that facing myself was hard enough because I was living in a haze, almost like an alcoholic really , but I do know that it would just about kill her. I've talked to her at length, and she's aware that I was definitely a very sick individual, and I don't think it's a matter of her "not wanting to know" so much as she has told me that she pretty much assumed that I was having an affair and that I simply didn't love her anymore. The hardest thing I have ever had to hear her say was that she did it simply because she didn't think I gave a damn about her, and that she stayed hoping that I would come back to her, but in the meantime she found some way to find some self respect again. If that were the only problem, then I would consider that more seriously, however all the OTHER things that I did bother me really even more than the affairs. For example, the verbal abuse. I have had the problem with my temper from day one. Even before we were married, and even before my first slip that problem began. And half of the bad memories and guilt that I'm carrying are over things that I did or said while I was with her. Like work for example, while a good amount of my infidelity occurred in that setting, there was a ton of time spent there that was more than legitimate, I just didn't have any way to get it done unless I was physically there. I very very rarely ever stayed at work for that reason alone, and I can say that honestly. The opportunities presented themselves quite often when I was there anyways. I honestly at times had to push myself to the edge of exhaustion and to the edge of my sanity to get stuff done. As a result, when I was home, I couldn't find the strength to do anything around the house. She ended up doing all the cooking, cleaning, paying the bills, planning trips, all of those little details that are so important. I just wasn't there for her at night alot, and she got lonely. When she mentioned that she was lonely, I just grumbled at her that I couldn't be expected to provide her with entertainment as well. And for further edification, she is 200 miles from her family and IS a bit lonely because she hasn't made a lot of friends. She has also had a hard time with her jobs, only in the past year finding a job that she truly enjoys and that fulfills her. And when I WAS at home, I was so stressed out, or so tired, or so cranky that I didn't want to be bothered. I would often go downstairs to the den and stay there by myself for hours upon hours, which of course was a result of my pornography problem, and our utter and complete disconnection. And obviously our sex life had suffered shortly after we were married. The usual suspects, she was tired, I was working, she had shift work. We only got to make love once a week at best, and that was almost like a routine that we HAD to do. That really fueled my affairs after the sex problems began and believe me when I tell you that those affairs were absolutely and totally about physical gratification. They were not at all emotional. It's just that you have to spend a lot of time covering your tracks, and I'm not so naive as to say that didn't add to our communication problems, because it obviously did. But I never ever loved any of those women, found no emotional solace in them, and never ever considered leaving my wife. She is truly such a good person, and she amazes me more and more every day now that we've been working on things.
I grew up in an environment where the woman did a certain thing and the man did another. There was no such thing as friendship in a marriage, the man worked, the woman did the housework, and that was that. See you when I decide to come home. I couldn't help at first with the housework, the laundry, the bills, because I never had to learn how and because she just did it because I was never there. I'm not feeling bad about just the sex, I'm feeling bad about EVERY LITTLE THING that I ever did to her. And believe me, quite a few of them were unrelated to the affairs. We just slowly grew apart, our fights got worse, etc. I got this idea in my head that I was invincible because everything in my career had gone at super speed and I was just climbing the ladder. Now, I do know that I feel guilty because SHE feels guilty. And I really don't carry any bad feelings because she doesn't know what was going on. Again, it really is the things that I did that she could see. All the subtle insults, the things that robbed her of her dignity. All the things I said while we were fighting that robbed her of her self respect. I mean, those things actually bother me alot more than the affairs, they really do. And they bother me because I don't know WHY I did them. I know why I had the affairs. Because I was kind of sick, didn't understand that what I was doing was wrong, and that I believed I could have a sexual relationship that wouldn't affect our emotional relationship. But our emotional relationship was already headed down the tubes. I was kind of mean forever, and as we grew further apart, I got meaner.
I really got out of most of the entanglements a year ago for the most part, but my sickness was driving me to the internet and finding that new high all the time almost like a junkie you know? Masturbation took the place of the women, and that's where I found my solace. I've always been a solitary person anyways, so I didn't realize how far from the world I had retreated. Now that I look back, I just simply feel like I ruined our ability to look back on our past, which really hasn't been all that bad. We have good families, good friends, and a lovely home. No kids yet, but maybe someday.
I enjoy what I'm doing now. Work is secondary. I've developed an interest in cooking. I've given up my bad habits. I do things with her that I never would have in the past. Our getaway re-affirmed that we have a chemistry. I had a three week go round with the "do you love her" question, but I 've crossed that bridge, that was guilt related too.
I've slowly gotten a bit better, especially since she screamed at me that i was holding us up, that she didn't care anymore about what else had happened in our past, that all she wanted was to go on and be happy. I'm truly happy with her, and with what we're doing. I feel good about myself at least in what it is that I'm doing to make myself a better person. But these terrible feelings of sadness just overwhelm me at times. I'm not angry at her. I forgave her a long time ago. I was just curious if there was anyone who had found a good strategy for forgiving themselves. And not to flame the board, lol, but I don't necessarily agree that she needs to know. We've come so far, and she's so terribly happy. And believe me when I tell you that she practically screamed at me the night I started to tell her any of it. She just wants to go on. I do too. Has anyone tried therapy to deal with those feelings? Or is time the only other thing that I should try for now?

I have to tell you, reading your post has shed alot of light on my situation, let me see the other side of the fence. My H is almost paralell to you, and I see his hurt, my problem has been I never wanted him to stop feeling that hurt because I am afraid he will slide backwards and forget about the things he has done. I unlike your wife badger him about details and want to know everything! I now know I need to stop that, and let him tell me thing on his own. Counseling (we have only had a couple of sessions) has really brought up alot of points to help sort things out for both of us. I suggest why not give it a try? Nothing ventured nothing gained. My H also thanks you, I told him about your reply, and he cried happy tears. My problem is the feeling of will he do it again? It went for a decade and I didn't know, I can't wait another decade to only find out again. I hope I have helped you just a little to repay for all the help you have given us, sincere thanks [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Well I'm glad that it did help. Look, obviously I don't know your H, and I can't say for sure anything, but I do know it IS possible to change. Believe me when I tell you that your husband feels like he has robbed you of your dignity and your self respect. And he knows that if he never got caught he never would have changed. And as a result, he's embarrassed, ashamed, horrified, and really unable to look at himself in the mirror. But one thing that keeps me going, one thing that I do have to smile about at times is this. People who truly recover from infidelity problems seem to have an even stronger, more unshakable bond when its all said and done. What my wife and I will have in ten years is going to be so far beyond what everyone we know will have it is unfathomable. Pray for the same for you. Stand by him. Don't be afraid to nag. I kept slipping, kept going to the porn, because I'm not ready to resume sexual relations with my wife until we start from the ground up, with kissing and hugging and touching again. Like I said, treat it like the addiction it is, like alcoholism. All it takes is one little slip. Take your time. In a year, it will be hard still. In five years, you'll barely remember it. Good luck!