Hi everyone, I'm new to this board so please excuse the usage or lack thereof of abbreviations.<p>I recently(going on 2 1/2 weeks now) found out my wife of 1 year been together 4 now, was having an affair.<p>To put this bluntly, her and I dicussed adding "more" to our marriage (a girlfriend for her) sounds crazy I know. anyways she had been talking over the net with this girl and after a couple months decided to meet her. which is fine by me. so, she(my wufe) went to NY to meet this girl, ( she told me all this after the fact of course) she slept with this girl, but didn't like it, well, apparently she had also met a guy online who she had benn talking to for about 2 months,then it turned into phone calls,and guess what? he just happens to live in the same city in NY. so she(my wife) decided to meet him as well, Well I guess they hit it off real well, and she came home and said she had fun with her new girlfriend ( I didn't know about him yet) and she said she wanted to go back up and spend more time with "her", so I said sure you can go, BIG mistake on my part. she went back to NY the following week, and ended up sleeping with him twice(so she says) and when she came back, everything was fine for a couple of days, then she startd acting differently, no making love, less affection towards me. And then we had an arguement about something trivial( I don't remember what it was) and she said she was going to stay at a friends house for awhile. I was missing her and was browsing (Snooping?) around on the web and ran across his yahoo profile, and lo and behold there on the screen was a picture of this guy and her. I almost hit the floor, I couldn't beleive it, So I called her up and confronted her about it, and it was then she told me the whole story. Since that day I have been trying to convince her to come back to me, and all she can say is she's confused.To make matters worse, as a surprise The guy called my wifes friend and told her he was coming to visit her in OH where we are, so now My wife is taying at her friend's house and so is this guy, and I feel totally ignored, we talk occasinally now, but I want him gone. she called me last night crying and said she wanted to leave me and our marriage, and we talked for about an hour,and finaaly resolved it (sorta), she said to call her on monday at 7:00pm (his bus leaves at 6:15pm) . and we will talk then. but the strange thing about it was, she didn't want him to know about it, she was whispering and being really secretive about it, any ideas?<p>So that's where I am today. I am hoping someone will have some advice about this.<p>Oh yeah, it all started because (as she said) I am not being emotionally "there" for her, thats why she did it.<p>I realize(lots of time to think now) that I have done her wrong, The reason is : I never knew I was doing it to her, Before I met her, I had lost a previous steady relationship, and since that time I "shut off" my emotions to the world, and when I met my wife She "brought back" my emotions, well I never realized I wasn't giving it my "all" and that my wife was suffering from it, but I guess she was, and in the past 2 1/2 weeks I have had LOTS of "empty" time to reflect on myself, my life, and our relationship, I realive what I have done wrong, and I feel I have changed, I know I love her, and she knows she loves me,but she also says she loves him, he makes her feel "good" and I asked her how,but she says she don't know, he just does. But anyways, I know I want our marriage to work, and I told her that,I also told her we should go to a marriage counselor, and she more or less agreed, but I feel until he is gone, This could go either way him or me. What do I do???<p>any suggestions?<p>Thanks In Advance. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Torizo,
Welcome to MB. You have come to the right place to learn how to save your marriage as many of us here for the same reason. Follow the link below and learn as much as you can and post occationally for question or update. You have done the right thing with the phone and talking to her. You are doing plan A from a distance.<p>One thing to make it clears that there is no justification to have A while M. Nada. It is her choice to do so. You might contribute some but IT IS HER CHOICE TO DO SO. She could go to counseling or to ask for help if she is not satisfy with her M and probably even divorce you first rather than choose an act of betrayal.<p>A will die sonner or later, you need to hang in there tough and fix her issue(s) about you on the marriage. Learn about EN (emotional need) it will explain "how" he makes her feel good.

Thank you red for the advice, I have been reading everthing on the boards and on the website. still going to be uncertain of anything until we talk on monday @ 7pm.<p>God I miss her.

Small Update, Me and my wife met last night for dinner, and we talked and talked, she has agreed to seeing a marriage counselor, and wants to work our marriage out, but is still unsure of how she feels. She says she still loves OM but has agreed to tell him today that she can have no further contact with him, so we will see how that goes.<p>She is still staying with her friend, but is thinking of coming back home, maybe friday. I hope so, but if not then that is ok, after all, I don't want to rush or push her.<p>Any advice at this point would be helpful.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Any advice at this point would be helpful.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Torizo, we give opinion, 2¢, and supports, for advice you get it from your MC. It seems that you are doing very good. Just hang in there and keep on working on your plan A and do change "old you". Make it safe for her to come home ... just try to rebuild from whatever is left. It seems she needs that assurance. Be patience.

Well, Looks like this is my last post in this catagory. Me and the wife talked today, and she said she had made a decision, she has decided to leave for good. (crushing my entire world) Then she says her and her friend (female) she is staying with are going with her friends mom to pick up her moms sister in West Virginia and wouldn't be back til' tomorrow, I told her I was going to drop all her stuff off to her either today or tomorrow. I get to her friends house and go on in (like I always do, they never lock their door) and low and behold my wife is at the computer, and stnding next to her is the "other man" (the one she had the affair with). [Later to be explained by my now Ex wife as "I didn't know he was coming up here] (Yeah whatF#@*ingever) So I unloaded all her stuff, told her if she wants it over to file the papers, and she said she would. she had some other things to say but I left and did not let her finish, ( I know thats bad, but at this point I dont think it matters any more)<p>And her reason for leaving : She wasn't happy with me anymore. <p>I have tried my hardest to show her happines, But it still wasn't good enough.<p>Now I'm all alone... Just me and the cat...<p>And to make matters worse I also was laid off this week. All this right before christmas.<p>Any comments?<p>Merry Christmas to you all, may your christmas be better than mine.

What can I say, except I know the pain you are feeling and what you are going through is terrible. However, I know it sounds like all is lost, but try to take things slow right now and get yourself together. Get a support system in place - family, friends, someone hwho you can talk to. You'll be sad, angry, frustrated etc.
but let the feelings flow. <p>It sounds like everything happened so fast that neither you or your WW has had time to even realize what just happened. Things are often said in anger and she doesn't even really know this guy - he could use her for whatever and then dump her next week.<p>Give yourself some time, be nice to her if she calls, and then figure out what you want. There is still a chance for things to turn around. She still has to file for a divorce - and talk is cheap. If you want to give the marriage a second chance, I'd fill out teh EN and LB questionaire - for both of you and work on a Plan A until something definitive happens. It can't hurt and then you'll at least be able to look back adn say that you did all you could - plus you'll be a much better stronger person for doing the Plan A. <p>With time you'll feel better(easy to say I know), but start posting on the GQII board or Plan A/Plan B board and see that ther eare alot of people who have been there and done that and can help get you through this tough time. Stay strong. K

Thanks. We have been essentially plan Aing from the day she decide to move in with a friend, We have also done all the questionaires and I have been reading the book "his needs her needs" A WONDERFUL book I might add.<p>I have a few people to talk to, but most of all you all here on the MBs, You have been nothing short of the best and I thank you.<p>I have tried to be as nice as possible to her and try to meet her needs, though it seems to have little effect. I only hope she realizes hwhat she is giving up.<p>And if she don't, I hope her new life is a happy one. <p>I hate to say this, I love her with all my heart and soul, I love her more than anyone I've ever been with, But I'm not going to "Wait" forever. I am going to move forward with my life and try to make the best of it. With or (I hope not) without her.<p>God Bless.

Torizo,
Until you Dv is finalized, nothing is concrete. You just LB'ed, all she remembered is your last action. Wait it out, both of you acting up in anger. As you see, she is in and out of the fog. This time is in the fog. Do you know why from the night before she said to w/ MC and the next is not ?. What is your take in this ?. Just curious.

I have no clue, It sometimes just does not make sense to me.I feel helpless at this point, it is frustrating to not be able to do anything.<p>I can only hope in time she calls me and wants to talk.

Torizo,
After you are LB, you should be the man who appologize or try to mend the water, don't wait if you can but no LB. I was LB big time last weekend, I told her what I think about her behavior and the impact. It is the fact but it is big LB. I appologize later and told her, using fogese language, I was LB'ed b/c I love her and my family too much. She just sneered and angry for a few days but later on she allows me to have kiss her in the cheek again & even lips. I am back in business. IMVHO, you should contact her and tell her how sorry you are. You are in danger of pushing her too far, use my fogese lingo. we scare because we care ... what a fogese word, a hint from Disney & pixar.<p>You see we are impatience b/c we loved so much the WS, we just have to focus our love to diff. actions. Rather than tyring to 'fix' her or the relation, you avoid LB !!!!. It is hard but this is part of plan A. You spill a drop of major LB, you have to start over at whatever point she allows you to, sometime wiped out all of your effort. If you do make it as a habit you will definitly be an stbx.<p>Try to focus on the end goals of plan A and treat her like an insane person that you care so much about her. So anything that she will say or will do is forgiven up front. My 9 y/o D had to tell me this [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] , she said that "Mommy is insane", it knocked my head like w/ 2x4. Her defense mechanism could see it through.<p>When you start expecting something, try to expect the worst of her behavior. This way if she behaves diff. is bonus to you. As you read my bit and pieces on other thread, I am in OR on skiing trip, my WW didn't want to go. When my 2 D left town earlier w/ their freinds. I expect my WW to disappear and avoid seeing me leaving town for my skiing trip w/ my 2 D but to my surprise she stayed over night w/ me (she had not done that alone) and gave me kiss to send me away in the morning when I have to go. I expect that she has a plan w/ OM, even going to winter place since she is trying to find out the wherehouse where I got my $10 skii jacket, I know is not for this trip, she is not coming, I am ready. I am proud that I am not LB ... when I left I saw a slight guilt in her eyes, probably I was reading it too much, but again I just wish her merry christmas and gave her her present ( I got lips kiss [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ). (I stay here through 'till end of next week) You see, IT IS HER CHOICE TO STAY and w/o LB she will have to face her time with OM as her choice and she doesn't have any excuse for it. Let them stare at A point blank and take the fog (excuse/justification) out of it. If she is decent W and M material, she will have to do selfreflection of her choice.<p>IMHVO, do call her or contact her asap.

Thanks Redhat, We just got off the phone (she called me), and she wanted to make sure I'm alright, (and not doing anything kooky) I told her as well as can be expected. I asked her if she really wants it to be over and she said yes, but there was a hesitation in her, like she doesn't know for sure. and before she hung up I told her I was truly sorry for my actions yesterday, and I should have stayed to listen to her, I told her how it has been an honor to be with her these four years and that there is no one else like her, and that I will lover her no matter what happens. she started crying (I could hear it in her voice) and she said she would call me again at a later time, then we said a very solemn and quiet goodbye.<p>I hope I didn't do anything wrong by saying those things, and I can only hope there is still some shred of hope for us.<p>Maybe for now I am still in this post and hopefully will not be moved to the D post.<p>Only time will tell.....

Torizo,<p>You are doing good, it is fine to say what your feeling too but no judgment, no expectation, no anger but straight facts, fact about how much you love her. The fact that she called she is at least worry about you and care about you [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] treasure this when you are down side of 'coaster. Hang in there, plan A hard, I even sometime have to "plan" what to say w/ what if plan. Let her be amused w/ "new you" , w/ deep patience.<p>Good luck, I am glad it lifted a bit. keep at plan A'ng. My WW yet has to do that (filed) after screaming 3 months ago [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>[ December 22, 2001: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Thank you all for the support, I guess now its all a game of waiting, because it is on her terms now, she decides if and when she wants to talk, and she decides if she wants to work it out or end it all. <p>I have made clear to her I want to work it out, and I want to go on. As well as MC.
I have forgiven her for the A but she says she can not forgive herself for the A. I want so desperately to help her, but she needs time to figure it out for herself.<p>And she is the only person who can do that.<p>So now the waiting begins.....

Me and my wife just talked,(I called her), To see if she has checked her email (I sent her some scanned notes she wrote to me when we first got together) (Found them while going through some boxes), anyways she said yes that she got them and told me I only sent them to make her feel guilty,(which I did not, I was hoping to "jumpstart" some memories), and I told her it wasn't to make her feel guilty, and then told her I just wanted her to think about this and if it might really be a mistake, I heard OM say something and she said she had to go, and she would find time to sit down and "talk" to me later. I told her how much I loved her, and she kinda half-whispered I love you back.<p>What do you make of that?<p>It's like she is torn between two worlds, one she wants him happy and one she wants me happy.<p>I just don't understand it, she says she wants to be "free" yet still tells me she loves me, yet doesn't want him to hear it.<p>A little strange if you ask me.<p>[ December 22, 2001: Message edited by: Torizo ]</p>

Talked to W again on phone, we talked some small talk and I asked her for another chance, she still says we'll talk later, It's driving me insane, I want to know one way or the other. I know I want her back, but I'm staring to feel That she REALLY does not want to work this out. So she said she was eating dinner, and would call me back.<p>About an hour later I called her (just finished reading his needs, her needs. EXCELLENT book) and wanted to know if I got her the book would she read it, Well... OM answered the phone, and I asked if Christi(my wife) was there, he said she was sleeping, I know its BullS*!^, for 2 reasons 1)she was just eating and wouldn't be in bed yet and 2) he asked whomever was around if she was there, and it seemed obvious to me that she told him to say it. So I told him what the F^$# ever and hung up.<p>I'm now to the point of I am having doubts about going on with trying to work this marriage out, and have even gone to the point of looking up the ohio Divorce laws and procedures.<p>I don't want to, but it seems that, that is what she wants, and even if it is at the cost of my happiness, I want to make her happy. <p>If it is truly a D she wants, But I have to really sit and talk with her, without the distraction of OM. But he is here until at least new years.<p>What is a confused person to do?<p>Just sit and wait it out or (Shudder to think of) go ahead and end it?<p>I just don't know anymore.<p>Help please?

<p>[ December 22, 2001: Message edited by: Torizo ]</p>

I feel like I'm talking to myself. LOL [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] anyways talked to wife again and convinced her to read the book his needs her needs and then tell me what she thinks. (She is unsure of if she wants to go on with M but leans more towards she don't want M to go on). I confessed my undying eternal love for her, and she says she loves me but she loves OM too, I sked her if there was enough love for me, to fight for our marriage, and her reply is "that's what I'm trying to figure out". I told her I love her and how much she means to me,(just short of breaking down into tears), I told her I truly cherish her and that I have never wanted more than to make her happy, she has my heart in her hands, and I only hope the book will have the same effect on her as it has had on me,(A wake up call). She is my goddess, and the only thing is this world I truly care about, (ok well maybe you all here on the MBs too. wink wink) and I HAVE to make this better otherwise I will feel I have failed, Not only her but myself as well, If I lose her, I feel I will have failed as a husband and a friend.<p>Any Imput at this point would be helpful...<p>
I pick up her copy of the book tomorrow morning, I hope it is as much a revelation to her as it was to me.<p>She is still unsure about MC at this point, I told her to let me know by monday, as the appt. is on wed @ 2:00pm.And I either need to cancel or confirm.

Torizo,
I do not know what you are trying to accomplish. Reread all the prior post and they gave you their opinions LEARN ABOUT PLAN A. In the rate you are going I don't know what might happen. Keep posting it will a notable notes about not what to do in plan A. Good luck on your M.

I am trying to accomplish getting my wife back, but it seems I'm a little off track.<p>I'm confused and hurt at this point, and it sometimes makes no sense.