I completely understand. 50/50, Equals.

Well, just got off the phone with W, OM is on a bus back to NY. I called her to offer comfort to her, as I knew she would be hurting and crying. She loves him but is not "in love" with him, and I know it hurts her terribly to let him go. W told me she wanted to get on the bus and go with him, but she didn't because of me. She has yet to tell him it's over, and will tell him tomorrow when he phones.(she can't tell him to his face, just like she couldn't tell me to my face about A). I only hopes she WILL tell him, she has promised me to tell him no contact ever, and I think she understands why.<p>As much as it pains me to hear about it, I told W to talk to me about how she feels.(Because it hurts worse to know she is hurting than it is to hear about OM).<p>She is being totally open and honest with me now, and I respect that. She said to give her a day or two to stop crying and then we can begin to work on M. I agreed.<p>Quick question, how long does withdrawl usually last?<p>I remember reading in either HNHN or SAA that recovery can only take place after withdrawl is over.<p>So she said to give her a few hours alone and that she would call me back(around 10:00-11:00). and if I wanted I could come and visit her for a few hours.(I don't mind offering her some comfort), So I told her I would very much like that, and she said OK.<p>I told her how much I love her, and she told me too.So ,now begins the next rollercoaster.I'm ready for it. (I think...)<p>P.s. W is going to be on MB now, Hope she reads this. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Hi Love.<p>[ January 20, 2002: Message edited by: Torizo ]</p>

Torizo,
Withdrawal will take some time depends on the individual and how A ends. If she could remember all the bad thing that OM has and count the good thing w/ you [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , it will help a lot.<p>She is lucky to have you and you feel lucky to have her, now it is up to her.<p>Yes, in order to be in recovery, A has to die, no contact, pass withdrawal. This is the end of the 'coaster ride. The new beginning is walking the narrow path of recovery. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> She is lucky to have you and you feel lucky to have her, now it is up to her. <hr></blockquote><p>I know how lucky I am, I count my blessing every night, to have met someone so wonderful. I love her with all my heart and soul.And I know I want to be with her always.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> Yes, in order to be in recovery, A has to die, no contact, pass withdrawal. This is the end of the 'coaster ride. <hr></blockquote><p>Time...<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr> The new beginning is walking the narrow path of recovery. <hr></blockquote><p>And hopefully the way to a far better M than the one we left behind.<p>
BTW - W now reading Boards, she is lurking somewhere...I think there is alot of information that will help her, as it has helped me.

Torizo,<p>I have no doubt that the two of you will be able to have fullfilling M. All you have to do is follow the 4 gifts of love.<p>Mrs Torizo,
Welcome to MB. Here is a good link to read. Then read this link before you call you H. Hope you could build a much fullfilling M w/ your love one.<p>God Bless both of you.

T,<p>I gotta hand it to you, your paitiance and prayers payed off. I suggest that you read HNHN together with her form begining to end. We did this and it really helped. As far as her comming to MB, I have to warn you about somthing. I too encuraged my WS to come here and at first she liked it and did get alot of help espesialy from JustLearning (that guy is awsome!) But in no time at all, she came here to vent as she was going through withdrawls and she got FLAMED big time, this hurt her bad, she has never been back since.. [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] It seems that alot of us BS don't have much simpathy for WS that are still in the fog, she now thinks that this is only a place for BS's. So you might tell her up front that she will have to weed out some of the posts that don't help her and look for the good ones. I always take note on the number of posts a member has to get an idea as to there experiance. When you see posts in the thousands, those are definatly the big guns worth listening to.
Keep up the good work....<p>SH

Very true SH, I will warn her.<p>Also if you,read this SH, I need to ask you something, but not on the boards, can you email me, So I can mail you?<p>Thanks in advance.<p>Torizo@hotmail.com

My W has posted under EN, her name is lostwife. The post title is : Lost and confused, God please help me.<p>Thank you all for supporting me through this all. I'm eternally in your debt. But now My hardest part is over, and hers is just beginning, I know you all will show her the same amazing support you have shown me.<p>And I would like to thank you in advance.
Justin.<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: Torizo ]</p>

Just got back from dinner with my W. We had a good time, she was very tired though, she only got 2-3 hours of sleep.<p>We talked, and talked, about us, fears, ect.<p>Then it was time for her to go home, she wanted to sleep, so I took her home.She thanked me for taking her to dinner, and she said she had a wonderful time, in fact it went better than she expected.(she expected we'd fight about someting)Then we said our goodbyes, and just befor she closed the car door, A wave of utter sadness came over me, I tried not to show it, but she saw it, she said don't give me that depressed face. I explained to her, how much it hurts to just leave her there, and how much I hate to be apart from her.She asked me to be patient and wait a little longer, and she'd be home soon. (Her exact words were, You have waited two months, can you just give me a week or so more? I of course said I would, we said our I love you's, and she said we could get together tomorrow if I'd like. and we said goodbye. (I watched her walk in the door, and said to myself, I am truly the luckiest man on earth to have a W like her).<p>She still has yet to tell OM,(She was sleeping when he called today) she said she WILL cal him, but doesn't know how to tell him,(I suggested some things from SAA)but of course it is her decision what to say.(She knows no contact ever). I just hope she has the strength in her to tell him, and not just "beat around the bush" about it...<p>Until she tells him, we can't move forward.<p>But I did enjoy our time spent together(I cherish every second spent with her), and we did have a good day, no LB, a couple minor disagreements, but no LB. I am trying to apply MB concepts to everything we do together. Today went well.<p>Possibility of seeing LotR tomorrow(3x for me)if W feels like it.<p>[ January 21, 2002: Message edited by: Torizo ]</p>

T,<p>Good for you!! All I can say is....
"time and patience." This is JustLearnings most common phrase and it took some time for me to see how true that statment really is.
I trully belive your prayers are being answerd. The Bible says "the prayer of a rightous man is powerful and effective." And you my friend are truly becoming a rightous man and your wife will and is seeing that in you.
Keep your head high and continue to pray.<p>God Bless,<p>SH

Thank you SH, I have been blessed, to have this awakening to what I have neglected to do for my W, Though it is the worst hurt in my life, it is also a great gift from God, I say that because I realize what I have to do because of it.I want my M to work, and I want to be closer to God, than I have been in the past.Through som extraordinary circumstances, I truly believe in Him.<p>I have the desire in me to be the best husband and friend to my wife I can be, and with God's grace, I will be.<p>I think it all going to be all right...I hope.

Torizo,<p>Check Guido post ... another cow comes home, not to disrespect but borrowing rev's animal thing. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Todays Update: Well, W did it, she called OM to tell him it's over. She is not handling it so well(Worse than I expected, even for her).<p>We went to dinner again, (No LotR tonight) and then we went to the new planetarium in cleveland(but it was closed) so we rented a movie from blockbuster, and came "home" and laid on the couch and watched it.<p>After the movie it was time for W to go "home". So I dropped her off and came "home".<p>I called W when I got "home"(She wanted me to). and we talked for a while. OM was calling her "home" the entire time we were talking. BTW - Now he calls my "home" in hopes W is here. I personally have nothing I would like to say to him, and there's nothing I want to hear from him. He needs to get the hint: No contact, means no contact.(On top of that, I answered when he called, and he hung up on me, F*&#er. If you have something to say, then be a man and say it, don't just hang up.)<p>I asked W if she was "uncomfortable" when we were watching a movie, and she said a little, She said because she has thoughts of OM in her head, and she's next to me.She doesn't know how to forgive herself. and I believe that is a factor in our "progress".<p>W also posed the question, What if She "breaks down" and calls or talks to OM? So I explained If she does, it will "reset" her clock for withdrawl, and she will have to start all over.And oif that happens, I fear it will hurt "us" more. I also explained if they see each other again, Then our M is finished. I will not hold on and fight, If I'm the only one fighting...I have held on this long, and trusted this much, and for them to see each other again would push it too far.Yes I "put up" with A, Yes I "put up" with dishonesty, But it cant ever happen again, at least not if she hopes I will trust her again.<p>I gave her some MB stuff today, and asked her to read them.(POJA, 4 Rules, Maritial Recovery Agreement, Ect.) I hope she reads them.<p>Tomorrow, We are supposed to go out again... We'll see how she feels.<p>
RH,<p>I checked out Guido's post, thats great news. I am truly happy for them. (now if only my W comes home) I know she will in time, and I'm trying not to push it.But it's hard not to... You of course understand.<p>I think in light of everything, We had a good day, and no LB. Trying to meet her ENs based on her ENQ almost 2 months ago. We need to fill out new ones.

Torizo,<p>Good work Torizo, a true MB'er. Set the boundry, it is not an LB, it is fact and it is not a threat since the control is on her hand, not yours. Also there is no new reason to but her character if she repeats.<p>Take it easy and take it one day at a time. One question, when she will be back home ?. Withdrawal should be done w/ love one not the reverse.

She is still unsure of when she is coming home, we are trying for friday, but I don't know if she will be home then. I hope it is friday, but only she can say when.<p>I want her home and in my arms, I want to help her with what she is struggling through, I think it would help her. But she does not think the same as I do. She is still unsure of alot of things.<p>Day by day, we get better...yet there is still much ahead of us.

Hang in there T, keep praying. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

<p>[ January 23, 2002: Message edited by: olderandwiser ]</p>

To everyone on this thread who is posting on Lost Wife's thread in EN, hi
I have a fear that we may take things that Torizo has discussed her and apply them too literally over there. ex discussing OM's PO.
On her thread, if we are going to be able to help her, we need to show empathy with her.
Torizo is doing a great job of no lb'ing. Don't let us do it for him by association.<p>[ January 23, 2002: Message edited by: olderandwiser ]<p>[ January 23, 2002: Message edited by: olderandwiser ]</p>

Sorry I haven't been around,W has been here, and we have been going out to places during the day, and just spending time together any other time.<p>Update : Where do I begin? This week we have been together every day so far. Monday : Dinner & blockbuster, Tuesday Dinner, Wednesday she stayed the night (her friends were off work) First SF. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Thursday she stayed the night again SF Again. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] (OM called at 2:30am asking for W, I told him she was sleeping, he said to wake her up, and I told hime no, please don't call agin, he kept calling, and after 5 repeat calls or so, I unplugged the phone.) Today (Friday) W is having a hard time dealing with missing him, I don't know if she is staying tonight or not. (She doesn't know.)<p>More updates to come.<p>How is everyone else doing?

Torizo,<p>Orchid & I were wondering a bit but I told her that you will post if thing going south and since you have not ... I figure you were with W and playing catch up [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Guido is also the same thing. Don't feel sorry, as long as you let us know that you & W are ok. We are happy for you.<p>We are trying to help rev and squirt now.<p>Change your phone# to unlisted, get caller ID, block his number too. Take it easy and walk down that edgewater park would you ?. I miss that park. Hey, how is your job search ?. Except that you really low on cash I think both of you need the time together. Don't spend too much on MB & update us once in a while.<p>God Bless you & your W.