Schurt, <p>I'd like to encourage you to read NSR's and OneDay's post. There is a lot being said there that may not mean a lot at the moment but will be incredibly important when your emotions get the better of you.<p>NSR: "Stand your ground in faith...
DO talk to the your children...
...tell them (age appropriate) the truth... it will be the only thing that will free you today. tomorrow and for the days to come.<p>Guilt is not yours to lay on your H...
...it is his to accept... if he knows the truth.<p>Your children... (not now... but in time to come)... will appreciate your honesty.<p>Do fight for your marriage...
Let your kids know it!... It is an absolute "right" and "truth".
Plan A!!!!"<p>Take Care,
L.

SCHURT: I am so sorry you had to join us, but you are in the right place. I wish I had found this site earlier in discovery.
First of all, you can win your H back! Don't dispair, because all is not lost! Likin it to the opening inning in the most important ball-game in your life. Except of course, it is not a game and there is alot of pain involved. But, you can get through this for the best. Whether you rebuild your marriage or find the strength to carry on alone. I did both. My DH and I have no children together, but we are certainly commited to raising each others children to be happy and healthy adults! But it was not always that way. After his affair I was in an unkowing plan A. I had never heard of MB then. It was instinctive. I loved him and wanted him back! I fought for his love, now it is only mine, I no longer take him for granted, as does not he. We have been in recovery for almost three years, doing wonderfully! But, believe me, it was a long hard path. But worth it in the end!!!!!!!!!
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P.S. (Our) OW also had no children. But Since he came back home to my four noisy messy children, that always does not count for much!!!!!
Please remember right now that you will not be much help to either your children or yourself if you become a basket case. I did that for a couple of days after DDAY. I am so glad H had no opportunity to see it. After all, is OW looking strung out or stressed! No! You must present yourself as as distant as possible from this, DAMN hard I know. Almost impossible. But it will just kill him to think you COULD be independant from him. If you cry, yell you will be making his time with her seem more pleasant than time with you! You get tough later. Not now. Smilr thrrough your tears, love, my prayers are with you!!!!!!

SCHURT
I am sorry for the situation you are in and the pain you are going through. Just remember, your H is living a fantasy with the OW. It is all based on lies. They don't have to deal with the kids, the house, just the lovey dovey time together. Reality will eventually set in. You do the best you can to plan A. You have time, a history, and your children on your side, and his responsibility to his children. Re-enforce that. Do your best not to LB and plan A as best you can. It is tough and difficult. You will have okay days and VERY BAD days, but come here to vent and get advice.<p> Don't let him force you into signing anything you don't want to. Also set boundaries as to not allowing the children to see her while with him as it will be confusing to them. Get legal protection for this.<p> Hopefully you will eventually you will hear the precious words "she (OW) is becoming more of a pain in the [censored] than anything else". (This is when Their fantasy is falling apart and the real world is waiting to gobble them up. Even though you are the betrayed one, you don't have the luxury of giving in and giving up at this point. Be there for him- to pick up the pieces of his shattered illusion but set boundaries and take care of yourself. If you need to see a Dr. to get on antidepressants, do so immediately. They are a Godsend and will help you find a balance so that at least you can hang onto reality although we BS get into our own fog. Also if you have had s*x with your H since the A started, get tested too. If you decide to have relations with your H in the future when you know she has been with him, then keep some condoms available and state you are not willing to risk an STD or worse because you have 2 children to think about. That may be seen as a LB, but with continued sexual contact with OW, its a boundary you really can't afford to compromise on. (just my opinion)
Good luck to you. Hang in there. Come here to share your thoughts and get feedback, commisseration, validation, fuel to get back on track when you fall off the road, etc.
Mikkey

You are quite welcome for the Thank you you left on my 'dream' post...<p>WoW! You have received some great words of wisdom here...<p>My sister-in-law told me yesterday that the things worth fighting for involve hard work...this after I told her how far her brother and I have come through this...how hard it has all been...<p>I am going to add another book recommendation ... one to help you in your walk of Faith ... "Secrets of the Vine" by Bruce Wilkinson ... this was an absolutely critical book for me to read in order to understand that God was NOT punishing me or my family ... cause it can sure feel that way ...<p>Remember "This too shall pass..." try not to react in emotion ...but to act in Faith...<p>Cali

Well, guys. It has been a good day. H came over to be with the kids and we told them. Neither understood. 6 yr old ask H if he was getting a new SM. That threw him for a loop. He has agreed to counseling. I think he thinks it may be a useless because he has been seeing a therapist. But, I will chance it. Thank you all for your advice. By the way, Happy New Year to all of you and may it be our best year ever.

SCHURT,<p>Jusr letting you know that I am still praying for you. It sounds as if you have an open door right now, walk through it and allow God some room to do His thing. Stay strong in Him, OK?<p>knight

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 10:08 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Well guys he chickened out on me. I called H about M counseling and he said he didn't see a point of it. He has been seeing a Human Relations counselor for 4 months. He wrote me this email that stated he didn't know when he stopped loving me or if he ever did. The next sentence stated if he thought about it he still loved me but he loves her to.<p>He said he didn't know what to do. He said that "we" could go talk to a lawyer if I thought it would help. I am not sure where he got the "we" from. <p>I am finally getting over the denial stage and going on to anger. I emailed him back and ask him if he knew millions of men and women are having affairs and think they are in love to. I also ask him if he thought romantic love never died. I let him know that he could be assured that I would always take good care of our kids. I then told him I would wait awhile but I wouldn't wait forever. I needed a full time H, full time dad, and a full-time Lover. So much for plan A today.<p>I hope to see a counselor this week. I need help in deciding what do. All of his things are still here, all his mail is still coming here, I am still paying his bills (including the Christmas gifts he bought her.) Of course, he is financial contributing to our household. Trial Separation, bah humbug. He just doesn't sleep here.<p>[ January 07, 2002: Message edited by: SCHURT ]</p>