Hello All,<p> My In laws got an e-mail from my H today. Apparently they have been sending him e-mail 2 or 3 times a week.<p> They say things like you know what you have to do. We wont rest until you call W and tell her you want to work it out. you better move out and get your act together. You W and M encouraged you to follow your dream and this is how you repay them. They don't deserve this. When you are done you will have your dream job but that is all. Will you really be happy giving up everything for a little tail. etc. You are going to wake up one morning and realize your job is all you have. YOu are the one who is going to lose out. Your W is the best thing thst ever happened to you and you are going to lose her if you don't act soon. That's paraphrasing most of what they said. My FIL said he has been pounding him every week.<p> My H responded:<p>Dear Mom and Dad,<p> I love W very much, but this has nothing to do with you. This is between W and I and our relationship. All you are doing now is making it more difficult to work things out with her because everytime I get messages like this it upsets me. You really know how our relationship was and you should let W and I straighten it out. Please be supportive but not intrusive. I love you both very much and I would call more often if we could discuss other things besides me and W.
love,
H<p>
What do you think?
Forgiver

Forgiver,
Typical WS ... the truth is we have to listen to our parent, specially when they speak the truth. H is still in the fog deep into it and do not take this personally ... supportive ???? support of A ????. straighten 'em out ???? how ????. A little phony "contact" as a bribe to shut up telling H the truth. Yeap, typical fogese [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Do not interfere in their relationship. Let them resolve it. You are lucky to have FIL&MIL that don't support A.<p>As far as the email ... is non event, just to show H is still in the fog. Glad you take it lightly.<p>Thanks for replying to SeaHorse [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Thank you Redhat,<p> I had taken a little more positive a spin on my H's e-mail to his parents so did they. When he said to be supportive, they took it as being supportive of me. They told him they do not support the A. They tell him he better get his act together and be a man. Take responsibility for his action and make things right. I am still skeptical. Due to the knowledge I have aquired of how WS will make an attempt and then go back. Preparing for the backslide. It uupsets my in-laws that I rain on their parade with ideas that we can not believe everything he says, that he is addicted, that when he sees her again the spark may appear etc. We will only have a week and then he is back in school with her in the classroom.<p> My H called my parents last night to say he was afraid to come home. that he wanted to work things out with me if I would take him back. He told them he found a new place to live next semester and that he was moving out. He can not pay for two places at once. His parents told him he can no longer see the OW he can't study with her or be friennds. It can't work oout between them. HE has to work on us. He said it's not going to work out with them. She was ther when he said this. HE asked his Dad if they can talk about something else, when ever he calls that he and I are all they talk about. his father said "That's too bad." "This is all we think about day after day. What are you doing? What are you going to do? Are you going to work this out with your wife? Are you going to make this up to her. You don't want to talk about it now. Do you think we want to talk about it and think about it all day and all night tooo? We don't but you have done this to us. You need to give us something else to talk abouut." Then they talked about football.<p> My H sent me this e-mail today:
Hi Hon,
I hope everything is well with you. School is going well and I'm sorry I havn't been in touch. I'm thinking about you alot and I do want to come home and try to work things out I just feel very strange about the whole thing. I've been pretty busyy with a bunch of tests that were lined up and I have not had a break. (He then gave me a line up of tests for the next 2 weeks). Just be well and hang in there, keep the animals well and give them hugs and kisses from me.
Love,
H
I DO LOVE YOU<p>
That was it. What do you think. Based on his phonecall to parents and his 2 e-mails this week-perhaps he has seen some reality and the A is dying naturally? I am probably too hopeful but I do not want to focus on the negative that this may be a temporary glimmer and the fog will suck him back in.<p> I have not responded to his Monday e-mail or this e-mail. Holding off like you said. Maybe Saturday i will send one. Should I be stand-offish? Trying to plan A but don't want to be a doormat. Also concerned if I don't respond soon enough or in the right way it will not give him to boost or incentive to come back. I have been working on distancing myself from him. Bought a book on starting over after a divorce or Spouse's deathe to prepare myself for that direction. I still have love but the longer he waits we grow apart. I'm changing everyday. I don't know what he has changed into. My therapist said I may not like the man who comes home. Especially if we go on another year like this.<p> Any thoughts Aanyone?
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>You did a great job on plan A ... whatever make you comfortable ... even it means that he has to quit school or you live down there ... you have to make sure there is no contact. A might not dying but for sure it show some cracks.<p>Yeap, the more resenment it will be if A continues.
-RH-

Forgiver, I think I hear what your saying, because I am feeling it too. We worked so hard Plan Aing and "letting go" that now H's are showing some signs of remorse and it gives you a boost, but afterwards you feel kind of 'flat'. Am I right? is this how you feel? <p>Far be it for me to tell anyone anything about this mess seeing as I'm so new to it all, but I think it may be another twist in the rollercoaster ride. We think we're heading towards where we get off because the madness is slowing down, but guess what? It just the beginning. <p>Its great he's showing some signs that Alien V1.1 has been cracked. <p>Hang in there.

Hi All,
Been keeping busy and my mind off this stuff as much as I can.
Seahorse you said:
Forgiver, I think I hear what your saying, because I am feeling it too. We worked so hard Plan Aing and "letting go" that now H's are showing some signs of remorse and it gives you a boost, but afterwards you feel kind of 'flat'. Am I right? is this how you feel?
Yeah you're right. This does leave you with a flat feeling. But I have learned to be aware of when I have negative or flat feelings and to shed them in a healthy way. When I start to think too much I give someone a call or go for a run or balance my checkbook. I try to get more positive thooooughts cycling through my brain and get busy!!<p> Of course i have been thinking about H and what was written and said. I called my MIL to confirm what H said and weed out what my MIL gleened from the conversation. some times she says what she thinks the H is trying to say in her own words instead of using his words. She told me that H told his mom that "It was over between him and OW". He wanted to come home to try to work things out for a week in April if I would take him back. My MIL told him "What exactly are you coming home for? Because your W and I are wondering. Is it to ask for a divorce or work this out?" Now my MIL said he said ifI was wondering thatn he wasn't coming home. What does that mean? He then said he wanted to work thiings out with me. The thing he said if I was wondering, then he wasn't coming- I'm not sure if those were H words or MIL interpretation.<p> i still have reservations because I have not heard from the horse's mouth yet.
Going away for the weekend. Be back on Sunday
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>
Those calls 'DA Fog. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Good thing that you are away ... I am home bound and doing my thing.

Redhat<p> I couldn't stay away. Having a good time went oout for sushi last night. Wonderful. I used to eat it twice a weeek but I havn't had it since d-day. Found a great place. Excellent food.<p> In regards to your response "Da Fog". Does this mean that the whole situation is a farce and he is tryng to pull the wool over everyone's eyes? So what he has said has not been sincere in that he wants to work it out? I'm not sure. i had hope and now I get a positive sign and I want to think it is all lies? And in believeing that I will not carry out plan A as lovingly as if I thought the responses were real and sincere.<p> If it is all lies. Why would my h come home? Why would he communicate? If he really wanted her instead. I told him I let him go. He could easily not call or e-mail and especially NOT come home. He could very easily continue this fantasy for another 2 years. Why put himself in the situation of talking to me or anyone for that matter? He could completely isolate himself for 2 more years. So I am not sure. Am I to believe that my H and OW have come up with a plan to disillusion me? Have they made up their dialog of exactly what to say to get their stories straight? I have heard BS overhearing their WS getting thier stories straight over the phone. Like "OK, here's the story you say we are over blah,blah, blah..." <p> Wouldn't the OW want my h to end it with me so she could marry him herself? Why would she want or let him come home? She gave him the demand to break up with me over the Christmas break and if he didn't do it then he better do it over April break. Could it be he is coming home to break up and just saying he wants to work it out? But why bother saying he is scared and he want s to work it out? He could be very cold and curt and say I'm coming home in April I'll talk to you then. He could say he's staying at his parents or a hotel. He could not come at all- he really does not have to!!!<p> So now I am so confused I thought i had a good sign and now I read it that is all lies because he is in the fog. How does a BS know when their WS is not in the fog and their words are true? I thought he was sincere. But from what you said now i thinkit is all lies and there is some alterier motive. How do I know when it is real? <p>Help this is getting harder. It was easier with no communication.
Forgiver

{{{hug}}}

Forgiver,
Sorry make you worry with short reponses and make you worry to death. You are doing great job to get him to email and start communication again. It means you make him feel safe to contact you. You just have to take it face value for now and keep plan A'ng. The more confused they are the better ... you know, torn between two lovers. The letter is great ... the MIL conversation was the one I reffering to fog. You have to see it when he is back and then judge it your self. You have to take their word face value and see their actions to match it. My WW said she won't file for Dv ... but now after talking to OM'W and matching the time frame, the horror stories that comes out of it I am not so sure ... My point is take their word as is and match it with actions. I know it is kind of hard w/ no info. But sometimes w/o more info. actually is a mercy for you so that you could heal and get stronger in the 'coaster. -RH-

Redhat
Whew!! OK OK So the qoute to my MIL was the fog. I expect fog statements but I'm not sure how to deal with entire conversations. Fog, not fog, fog, not fog?
I have to wait and see if his actions follow his words. So far he has said alot to MIL (It's over. I want to work things out with W if she'll take me back, I'm getting my own apt etc.) I can believe those for now but let's see if he really does do what he says.<p> He is coming home for a week in April. I do not think it is a good idea to sit and talk about this for the whole week while we lock ourselves up in our house. Would it be OK to get tickets to the Paul McCartney concert and a Mets game? Those are two things we would both enjoy. I am not looking to deposit LB$ because i know it is futile at this point but those are things I'd like to do with him. I know he would like them too. Although he may say I'm just doing it because he likes them. He has a problem with me liking everything he likes. But I met him when I was seventeen and we had similar interests to start. I grew to also like other things through our relationship and now they are a part of who I am even though he introduced them to me.<p> I know he will not want to talk it out the whole week and neither would I. Also, should I get sick the whole week and take off from work (I think I should) or should i go to work to give him some time alone?<p> Thanks so much for your help.
Forgiver

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Forgiver:
<strong>... I am not looking to deposit LB$ because i know it is futile at this point but those are things I'd like to do with him.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>No actually TTF corrected me on this one ... you are competing w/ OW ... so deposit LB$ as much as your H let you too. Fill it up w/ a lot of activity and also make time for a chance of talking one-on-one.

Thanks Redhat,<p> I'm gonna try my best to deposit away!!! <p> $$$$CHA-CHING!!!!$$$$<p> I sent H an e-mail last night and he wrote me back today when he read it!!!! WHOPEE!! Didn't have to wait a week! He said his flight comes home on Tuesday the 23rd but he "might" try to move it up. Let's see if the actions follow his words. H mentioned that he's thinking about me alot and misses me! Yeah happy face!
Want to enjoy the joy for now. Who knows what tomorrow brings.
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>I am gald that at least there is some positive indications ... remember what terms are you willing to accept ?. Not much about if he is willing to do it but if he can do it. I know it is too early but you have to get ready and be honest to yourself. Learn from Orchid [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Hi Forgiver, I'm still here, been on GQII - see that to get the update. Things have taken a turn for the worst and I'm in a new chapter now. <p>I'll pray for you for when he comes home to you. It will be hard forgiver, but Redhat's right, you really must be honest with yourself about what you will and won't accept. Set your boundaries and stick to them. <p>I'll keep looking in on you.
Liz

Hi All,
Nothing new to report about H. Haven't heard from him all week. He said he would call probably after Friday. We'll see.<p> Doing my plan A for me, very happy. got a great self-esteem boost tonight. My kickboxing instructor asked me to join them as an instructor. said I was very good and they could use my help. Big smiles!<p> Noticing a GREAT change in my body. Doing kickboxing for 2 hours a night four nights a week. Hired a personal trainer for 2 hours three nights a week. Seeing big results. Getting very tone and turning more heads. Feeling good. Everyone at work said my H is going to flip when he sees me in April (they don't know about A).<p> Going off to in-laws for the weekend. Hope it does not bring me down as much as last time. It is really important for them to have me around. they really want me there as much as possible. gives them some hope to cling to I guess. They're afraid of losing me too. <p> If I don't check in. (Hard not to do). I hope everyone has a good weekend and a Happy St. Patrick's Day!<p>Forgiver

Hello All,
Back from my St. Patty's day weekend. HAd a great time.<p> This trip to my IL's wasn't as painful. Didn't talk about it as much. My big accomplishment was going for a 5 mile walk with them and I instead ran 21/2 miles on Saturday and went by myself on Sunday to run 3 1/2 miles, walked 2 1/2. So six miles today but I am so happy i did 3 1/2 at a run without stopping. I am trying to work up to 4 miles without walking. I get into a groove and try not to think about H.<p>
Speaking of which... He said his last test was on Friday and he would call me after friday. He knew I'd be at his parents house. But no phone call no e-mails. Is that a message loud and clear or what?
My FIL says we are treating him with kid gloves. He wants to get H's phone # and start calling. In his last e-mail to them my H asked them to back off and he would contact more. They backed off... No contact. My IL's want to start harrassing him again. I guess my FIL will start e-mailing him again saying he better straighten out.<p> I had e-mailed my H to find out when he is coming home he said Tuesday the 23rd of April but he might try to move it up. He hasn't let me know so I haven't gotten the tickets to the concert I wanted to go to. If I went with someone else it would be hard for me because it was something special I had planned to to with my H and I wouldn't enjoy it.<p> Can you help me with those bounderies you suggested? How can I set bounderies without making demands? As it is we've only had contact through 4? e-mails and 4 phone calls. We really haven't talked and I have no idea what is going on. He hasn't said anything negative in PC or E-mails. Is he leading me on? Why would he want to do that for this long? I am fulfilling absolutely none of his EN's. We are practically in plan B set by him. I try to plan A by sending cards to him. That's it. I don't e-mail anymore. ANd I can't call.<p> This is getting hard again. Do I keep Plan Aing or call it quits? It's only been 2 months since d-day and I still love him. I think. Why can't I just let go and move on? He tells everyone else what I want to hear but never me!! Is he just saying what they want to hear? Why won't he cut me loose? This is so cruel.<p> His best friens called him to suggest he come home sooner. He "couldn't" talk about it because SHE was right there. She is ALWAYS right next to him. I hope she smothers him. When his best friensd called me back he told me to hang in there. I told him I was scared when he came home it would be to get a D and he was just using "Let's work it out" as a cover. His best friend told me "That would be out of the blue because from what he has been saying it seems to be going in your favor. HAng in there." I don't know if I can even trust him now or is HE saying what I want to hear? But why say it at all? Why not just say "I don't know". False hope.<p>UUUUUGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!
Forgiver<p>[ March 17, 2002: Message edited by: Forgiver ]</p>

Hey All,<p> Got some good news and some bad. i like the bad news first.
Got a call from my Dr. And I have an STD-Treatable but I may be steril. Yipee! I got the drugs to treat it today. <p> The good news blows away the bad news though. My H called my MIL to say that he is miserable. He has feelings for OW but he loves me and wants to work it out. Apparently all the packages and cards i send him make her go BALLISTIC!!! i sent him packages with "I LOVE YOU! I MISS YOU! YOU"RE THE BEST!! I CAN"T WAIT TO SEE YOU!! HURRY HOME TO ME.... ETC" It's all written in huge letters all over the boxes. On the envelopes of the cards i always write those things as well as Thanks for your phone calls and e-mails, they mean so much to me. I also write quotes to songs... If the mountains crumbled to the sea there would still be you and me... etc. All of this his friends see and they tease him about what he's doing. How can your wife be like that when you're cheating on her etc. This all makes HER go insane. I guess all the I LOVE YOU confettie I put in his packages and envelopes drives her nuts too! Yeah it worked!<p> He told his Mom that He wants to talk about it but she is always there so when he does call and she walks in he hangs up the phone. He has to call in secret and always watch over his shoulder. The BEST is that he told his Mom that He wants TO TAKE A SEMESTER OFF TO COME HOME AND BE WITH ME!!!!!!!!!! He said if I went down there and he stayed in school it would be hard for me and her and him. if he took a semester off he would never be in class with her and he would not have to see her. Right now they have the exact same schedule because they are in the same semester. WHOOPEE!!! <p> He told his mom he was scared to come home because of everything he has done and he does not know how I am going to be with all of this- if I am going to dwell on it and bring it up all the time. His Mom told him what I told her in that I would not judge him because I could have been in his shoes if the opportunity arose. Therefore I would not be judgementall or cruel. I wanted to talk about it when he was ready. Let him bring it up and discuss it as he was comfortable. We couldn't sweep it under the rug, we had to talk but in a respectful loving way. Taking what we have learned and growing from it.<p> So I am PSYCHED!!! I have to go to therapy now but I'll be back later!!!
I LOVE YOU ALL!
Forgiver

I'm so happy for you Forgiver, this is such excellent news! <p>Sorry to hear the other news, but it sounds like you've got it under control.<p>Focus now, the most important part is still to come and we all know if anyone can do it - you can!<p>Liz

Hi All,<p> The last contact I had with my H was an e-mail he sent on tuesday the 19th. He said he was going to try to get his ticket moved up earlier and he said he'd call me as soon as he knew what was going on. He also called his mother on monday and tuesday- two days in a row after a long lapse of contact. He said he wanted to come home as soon as possible. He was bringing his dog and wanted to take a semester off to get away from OW and all their friends. He told his mom he wanted to get home as soon as possible. He said he would call me. His Mom told him to call me before he went to the school to arrange to take a semester break. <p> He still has not called or e-mailed me. My MIL believes he is sincere and she is worried about him. He sounds very upset. i want to believe him also. But without hearing from him, I am afraid he changed his mind and perhaps he is working things out with OW. Could this be possible? Or is he lying to say what MIL wants to hear? Have any WS out there completely lied like this saying all these positive things only as a cover? Why would he say such fantastic things like he wanted to take a semester off to work on aou M when he didn't mean it? He could easily cut all contact and stay down there. Is this a sign of the fog clearing for a spell and then roling in? He told his Mom " You won. I'm comming home." She believes he means it. <p> Then why isn't he calling and telling me? When he did not call last weekend when i was at my IL's he said he was busy and that she is always around. He can't call when she is there. Also if he does call and she comes home he hangs up. His mom told him to call from a friends house and pay them. I think he is afraid they will tell OW. All their friendds seem to get a kick out of the soap opra they get to watch unfold in front of them. It seems as if my h is in a corner he wants to get out of but does not know how. I wish he would call.<p> Any input from WS's to help me figure out what my H is doing or thinking would be really appreciated. thanks.
Forgiver