Hey guys!!<p> Redhat where are you???!!!<p> My H called!!!!!!<p> He said things were over with Ow but not completely. they wouldn't be over until he left. He said he has not spoken to anyone about leaving except a friend who lives upstairs who said he would watch his stuff while he was gone.<p> My H said he is coming home in April to stay for a semester!! He was taking a semester off to come home and work things out. He said he didn't know what will happen when he comes home that it will be very hard. I told him I understood and I would try to be as loving as possible, that I knew it would be hard for him but I was willing to work on us and do whatever was needed and make whatever sacrifices I had to to work this out. He said he though I had made enough sacrafices for him at this point!!! He wasn't remorseful but kind of weird. Scared but a bit defensive.<p> I am so happy but I am determined not to be a doormat or kiss his butt. I am willing to work it out in a respectful way. That's easy to say while he is not here. We'll see when he gets home. I have to be strong and not take what he says personally. I have to keep plan Aing with him here. But I only know plan A from a distance!!! Help<p> I told him about STD. He thought maybe he was a carrier. I asked him if he was with anyone besides me in the past 12 years. HE said no, just her. I told him I didn't care if he was with 10 people (LIE) I just wanted to know if she was the only one. Because if she was than it was her that we got it from. He looked it up in his med books and in animals it can be transmitted through inhalation. He suggested while I was there I got it from walking around the island because there are goats and cows all over and perhaps I inhaled it. I told him I was tested in June and I was negative for any STD. I'm not sure if they tested for STD but I had a female problem they ran tests for and I thought if they found anything they would tell me. I just had cycsts. No STD's. He said i was the only one he was with for the past 12 years and now her. He thought she was clean because she had only been with 2 guys. One of which was a virgin. She didn't think the other guy slept around. I told him we can not know for sure. i didn't think he would have slept around either. He said "that's true." I said I if was clean in June and now I have this in March- I got it from him and and he got it from her. He said she will go insane when he tells her. He said she will blame me and say I slept around to get back at him and I caught it and gave it to her. He then said "how do I know you didn't sleep around on me." I said you don't, but you do know me and you know you were the first guy I ever trusted to sleep with and you were the only guy i have ever been with and you know that I do not sleep around. I am not that way. I have only been with you. He said she will blame me. I said I am sorry he will have to be in this situation and deal with this. But if I was clean in June and I only slept with him, I got it from her. You both need to go to the doctor. He told me to get rechecked and see if I could have gotten it by inhaling it. FOG!! <p> He said OW has not been feeling well lately- maybe that is why. I thought it was because she was losing him. Then after I hung up i thought OH NO SHE"S PREGNANT!! I hope not! <p> So besides the STD thing I guess this is good news that he is coming home.<p> Now the really hard stuff begins. Will he still like me? Will I like him? Can we get through this? He didn't know what will happen when he came home. I told him I understood it would be hard, especially the firtst three weeks ( I'm thinking withdrawl but didn't say). But I was willing to give him time and that I loved him and thanked him for calling and being willing to make the sacrifice of coming home. I wanted this to make us stronger and I would do whatever was necessary to help him and work this out. <p> I am keeping my fingers crossed he does not call back and say he changed his mind. He said he may go back in a few weeks to get his dog because he didn't have a kennel to fly him home. I told him i would send him one tonight so they could both come home in April. He said OK. I DO not want him going back!!<p> Help any input would be greatly appreciated. I am jumping out of my skin with happiness and fear!
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>Do you call my name ??? LOL ... I am here. You are doing fine. I know waiting game is the hardest, specially in a 'coaster.<p>Regardless what and when, H has to get check on STD and use protective when he is back. I am glad that he is planning to take a semester off. At least you two could work on M and then you might even go w/ him to finish up his degree.<p>Get your terms down and work from there. I would call Jeniffer and schedule a few sessions together w/ H.<p>I do not post a lot since I try to reduce my time spend on MB at home. I do not want my WW to know and beside thing turn very hot right now.<p>-RH-

Thanks Redhat!<p> I was worried about you!<p> I ordered a crate for my H to bring his dog home. He said if he could not get a crate then he would have to go back in a few weeks to get his dog. Over my dead body! The crate costs around $70 but to ship it there express is going to coust between 200 and $300! I don't care it is worth it!!<p> My SIL called. She said my h told my MIL that OW does not want my H to come home. She is going crazy. She is saying he needs to give her more time. She says it isn't fair that his family didn't give her a chance or get to know her. She says my H is not being fair to her by going home. She wants the time to prove to him she is better thatn me. I do not think the OW knows my H is coming home to stay for a semester. I think he told her he is going to come home to "try" to work things out with me and not tell her he is not coming back? But he will be moving his stuff out to keep at a friends at the end of this semester. <p> I am so scared she will convince him to stay. But the fact that my H has had such limited contact with me and now he told me he's coming home, i think he made up his mind. When he only told his mother the good news i had doubt. Perhaps he was just saying what she wanted to hear to keep her quiet. But once he told me my fears subsided just a bit.<p> I feel like I will have to prove myself to him without it being overkill. Will I always have to prove I am the better choice? <p> Red- you said my H will have to use protection? You mean we might have sex? Whoopee!! I say that now but I don't know how I will feel later. When he comes home should I suggest he sleep in one of the guest bedrooms- that I understand he may feel uncomfortable with me just sleeping in the same bed? Or should I not say anything at all? I understand that when WS return they are repulsed by their BS and can not stand to be touched or be around them for too long. I don't want him to be uncomfortable. I want him to know I won't be angry if we don't sleep in the same bed. I think he may think that will piss me off. He does not know how educated I am about WS.<p> Is it still a good idea to go to concerts and ballgames etc.? Or is that trying too hard?<p> I can not lease a ferrari because a large dog kennel has no place in a ferrari. Oh well maybe as a weekend surprise sometime.
Forgiver

Oh Forgiver, I've been so caught up in my WH bull**** (that he gave to me - I'm laying blame squarely from now on - at least in my mind), that I didn't see yours (pardon the reference, but I'm sure you agree its all bull**** they've heaped on us). <p>I got on here to have another whinge, which I will later. Please Forgiver, don't expect anything from him. I learnt that every time H came home. Just take it as it comes. Plan the stuff for you, buy an extra ticket in case, but don't be disappointed if he dosen't want to go. I'm sorry to sound like such a spoil sport, I really do hope its not like this for you, but I think the main thing is don't expect too much, I've seen first hand that guilt is a VERY powerful emotion. <p>My H is a very confident man (normally), but the guilt has eaten him up so bad. I'm sure that's what the fog is partly about, guilt, they've got loyalties to two. Maybe Redhat can elaborate or correct me if I'm wrong! Please correctly if I'm wrong, I'm trying to learn.<p>If I were you, I would think about what you will and won't accept. Don't just let him get away with things that you wouldn't normally because you're trying to make him stay - I learnt that the hard way, and it didn't do I bit of good. Set your boundaries, even if you do it as you go along, remember plan A is for you first. <p>Remember, you can't control him, if you try in anyway, he'll pull away. (Mind you my H still thinks he controls me - I guess he does in a way - yuck I hate saying that!)<p>I feel like I know nothing about this, but I have learnt some stuff, the main one is don't expect a thing and you won't be disappointed. Just try to remain relaxed and calm, that has been my undoing a few times now and I regret it. I want to learn how to control my emotional outbursts. <p>I'll keep checking in while I'm on holidays. I fly to Cairns in 8 hours (I've got to get up at 4am!) In some ways I'm dreading going, in others I can't wait.<p>Chow,
Liz

Forgiver,<p>I have been following your post for awhile and Redhat is right -- you should be the on a poster for Plan A. I am inspired by your patience and understanding.<p>Remember that guilt is a very powerful emotion for the WS. Keep in mind that the more understanding and wonderful you are, the more guilty the WS feels. I know my WH gave off lots of mixed signals during the fog. I also think that we, BS, are so often trying to second guess the WS that we don't really believe anything -- even the good stuff that they are sincere about. Now that my H is out of the fog and we are in MC and communicating more openly and honestly, things are going better. We are still on the rollercoaster -- it doesn't stop as soon as the WS comes back. <p>It sounds like your H is feeling really guilty -- "you have already made enough sacrifices for me". Sometimes when a WS feels so eaten up by guilt, their reaction is to lash out at the BS. Maybe in their confused mind they are hoping that the BS will get nasty back at them and then they can feel justified in their actions. Just remember to Plan A and discuss things without LB and you will not give them any justification.<p>Also, regarding sleeping in the same room -- I suggest that you see what your H does when he comes home. If he seems to feel comfortable, great. If he doesn't, then you should tell him that you understand and are comfortable with him in the other room, but that you love him very much and look forward to the day that he feels comfortable in the same room with you. Regarding the SF, who knows. My WS never seemed to be repulsed by me and the SF has never been better.<p>Good luck and sorry this is so long. I know you are strong enough to get through this and have a better marriage than you ever had.<p>FHO

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Forgiver:
<strong>Thanks Redhat!<p> I was worried about you!</strong><hr></blockquote>
Thanks. Yes, I was greiving for awhile. My WW served me and I am busy to get my action together. I was ready for this and actually it is a relieve for me ... I love her and my 2 D so much that I will never file. She is doing me a favor, I actually thank her for that. I am still in plan A, I still have 6 month before it is finalized.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I ordered a crate for my H to bring his dog home. He said if he could not get a crate then he would have to go back in a few weeks to get his dog. Over my dead body! The crate costs around $70 but to ship it there express is going to coust between 200 and $300! I don't care it is worth it!!</strong><hr></blockquote>
Good move, your M is worth more than that.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>My SIL called. She said my h told my MIL that OW does not want my H to come home. She is going crazy. She is saying he needs to give her more time. She says it isn't fair that his family didn't give her a chance or get to know her. She says my H is not being fair to her by going home. She wants the time to prove to him she is better thatn me. I do not think the OW knows my H is coming home to stay for a semester. I think he told her he is going to come home to "try" to work things out with me and not tell her he is not coming back? But he will be moving his stuff out to keep at a friends at the end of this semester.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Another lies to her what makes it any different ?. The more lies that H told OW the better.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I am so scared she will convince him to stay. But the fact that my H has had such limited contact with me and now he told me he's coming home, i think he made up his mind. When he only told his mother the good news i had doubt. Perhaps he was just saying what she wanted to hear to keep her quiet. But once he told me my fears subsided just a bit.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Most likely H already decided that his families (MIL&FIL) and YOU worth more than OW !!!. For Martian, once we made up our mind we just go for it.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I feel like I will have to prove myself to him without it being overkill. Will I always have to prove I am the better choice?</strong><hr></blockquote>
The fact that H is going back ... you are the better choice. Now what you have to do is to care, protect, spend quality time and honest to each other. Also ask H to do the same.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Red- you said my H will have to use protection? You mean we might have sex? Whoopee!! I say that now but I don't know how I will feel later. When he comes home should I suggest he sleep in one of the guest bedrooms- that I understand he may feel uncomfortable with me just sleeping in the same bed? Or should I not say anything at all? I understand that when WS return they are repulsed by their BS and can not stand to be touched or be around them for too long. I don't want him to be uncomfortable. I want him to know I won't be angry if we don't sleep in the same bed. I think he may think that will piss me off. He does not know how educated I am about WS.</strong><hr></blockquote>
You go along as when you see H. You know your H, do what you think is best, no one could tell you.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Is it still a good idea to go to concerts and ballgames etc.? Or is that trying too hard?</strong><hr></blockquote>
Yes, Yes and Yes ... , spend nice time together as much as you can ... remember when SO happy you want to be there so that LB$ could be flowing.

Thank you Redhat!<p> You are such a comfort. i am so sorry to hear your W served you with D papers. But like the true wonderful person you are, you still plan A! I know you won't give up. I recall someone else having their WS come back 2 weeks before D was final and I believe they are in recovery now. At least with D being served, your W is not sitting on the fence and it gives you a stronger drive to live for you and your precious daughters. You are such a wonderful father for them. So and excellent roll model. When they grow up they will want a h just like you. I know I thought my h was just like my AWESOME Dad. No I think no one could ever live up to my Dad. He's is just to fantastic. But my H comes pretty close (besides the A). <p> Thenk you for all your input. You always have such a special way of confirming my feelings. i wind up thinking things but I need someone else to agree or set me straight. <p> I will continue to Plan A and not be clingy. However I do not want to give my H the wrong impression by being as independent as i am now. While h was gone I go to gym for about 3 hours after work almost 7 days a week. Do I still go to gym? I really like it and I LOVE the results. <p> The first week my H is home I am calling in sick. Sould we be together the whole time or should I go out for a few hours and do my thing? I can't go to gym because I am calling in sick. Peolpe at the gym are also at my job. (co-workers, parents of students). <p> My SIL wants to have a 60th birthday party for my MIL on saturday- 5 days after my H comes home. she wants to invite whole family (including my parents who do not know about the A). She said she wants to have birthday for her Mother but it would also make my MIL happy to see us "together" for her birthday. Also she said it will give H a chance to see everyone in one day and this way we could have 5 days alone, see everyone and then go back to being ourselves. No one has seen my H since Christmas and when he comes home from school everyone wants to see him. Either we go to them or they come to us. We get lots of phone calls etc. My SIL thought this would be killing 2 birds with one stone. Getting the birthday and seeing the family out of the way. I think it willl be too stressful for my H. It will be his first encounter with the family since D-day and he was very ugly on that day. I am going to leaveit up to my H. He does not know of his Sister's plan's yet. What do you think?<p> Oh by the way... my H said he would not move his flight up sooner. But the Airline called today to confirm he moved his flight up one day earlier! Yeah!<p> My MIL said my H told her in phone call last week that he does love me deeply but he has feelings for OW and he needs to get away from her to work things out. I guess this means A did not die a natural death. I know Ow is not letting go and id furious with H coming home. He told his mom she does not know how miserable it is living with OW right now. She is out of control. He has moved to other bedroom.<p> My DR. called to day to confirm I have an STD, gotten through sex. I did not inhale it as my H suggested. (can you say FOG!!) He said that was ridiculous and that I will probably be fine. He said I will always test positive for it, like lymes disease. So ther is no way of telling how long I have had it. I would not know about it unless I specifically asked to be tested for STD's. I've never been tested so I fear my H may have cheated before and I don't know about it. OH well....

That's all for now. I am thinking of you and always have you in my prayers. Be strong. I believe in you Redhat!
Forgiver

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Do I still go to gym? I really like it and I LOVE the results.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Why not get him into the routine too ?. The more energy you put out the more you will gain it back for other thing [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] . This is a POJA, this is a RA EN that you have so both of you have to negotiate.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>The first week my H is home I am calling in sick. Sould we be together the whole time or should I go out for a few hours and do my thing? I can't go to gym because I am calling in sick. Peolpe at the gym are also at my job. (co-workers, parents of students).</strong><hr></blockquote>
Spend time as much as you can with each other ... I am pretty sure both of you have a lot to catch up. Probably more like "mini honeymoon".<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>I am going to leaveit up to my H. He does not know of his Sister's plan's yet. What do you think?</strong><hr></blockquote>
It is always good to remind WS about what he is missing so far and how he could have them back. You SIL had a great idea.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Oh by the way... my H said he would not move his flight up sooner. But the Airline called today to confirm he moved his flight up one day earlier! Yeah!</strong><hr></blockquote>
H did the right thing, I guess he is not that lost after all.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>My MIL said my H told her in phone call last week that he does love me deeply but he has feelings for OW and he needs to get away from her to work things out. I guess this means A did not die a natural death. I know Ow is not letting go and id furious with H coming home. He told his mom she does not know how miserable it is living with OW right now. She is out of control. He has moved to other bedroom.</strong><hr></blockquote>
When one party calls it quit, A dies of natural death. She is LB'ed all over the place ... do you think your H will ever forget that ?. He might not want to go back unless she is gone from there.<p>About STD and so on ... when H starts conseling w/ Jennifer then you two will have a chance of opening up all cards and put it on the table.<p>Hey, don't beleive in me ... beleive in my Lord to whom I draw my strength and where I take refuge. I am a survivor and I will fight 'till the end. "I have fought the great fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith" (2 Timothy 4:7) I have faith in HIM that I will get my daughters custody against all odd, against liberal system in CA and discriminations against Single Dad. I am even willing to pay her child custody but have them with me.
-RH-

Hi RedHat:
I just wanted to agree with Forgiver. You were a great help to me and I have been reading Forgiver's posts and you are really right on. Everyone's situation is different and somethings Forgiver might do I would not and vice versa but I really like the strength you have shown Forgiver. Wow! You have hung in there and now you are seeing the fruit. You go girl!!!

Hello All,
I'm back from having 4 of my wisdom teeth removed. stayed with my parents for a few days to recover. Thank God i had absolutely NO PAin. I stopped taking the pain killers yesterday beut even still, I was only a little sore.<p> It feels really weird. The worst part was after they had 3 teeth out i flipped out under anstethesia. i started hyperventilating and crying. they had to wake me up to calm me down. i guess that was all the emothion i have surpressed coming out? It was scary for me and them. I was quite embarrassed. But I guess I got it out. i'm sorry they had to witness it.<p> Even though my H is coming home in a few weeks i have been resigning myself over to feeling more like it will never work. I feel he is only coming home to make a show and prove to himself that OW is a better choice. if he didi this to me now what is to ever stop him again? I sometimes feel I would like to be with someone who has gone through what I have gone through and believes in the the MB principles. I get the feeling my H and I will never connect or trust again.<p> Redhat, how did you tape your phone calls. I would like to do that. Not to confront my h just to know where I stand.<p>wucus- Thanks for your support. I have no idea what I am doing anymore. I just go day by day. And my feelings change each day. Today I'd like to run off with my dentist. We'll see what tomorrow brings.
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>Hah, the dentist got you ... I wonder where had you been. There are a lot of spy website that sell phone recording device ... I just did a search and click here. You could search more from www.cnet.com. Remember those tape is no use in the legal system, only for your own research.<p>Don't get nervous now, only a few more days. Be patience and go with the flow. It seems that your H is not coming home to prove you wrong ... he don't need to do that,he could stay put over there and eat the cake too. I think your MIL&FIL&SIL finally get to him and also the A getting old.<p>Keep us uptodate. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]

Forgiver,<p>I am sorry that you are down right now. That is probably the rollercoaster. Redhat is right -- your H does not have to come home, he could remain a cake eater. Remember that you know a great deal more than the OW -- you know the principles of MB and know your H better than she does. You have a history with him, common interests, goals, family ties, etc. She does not know about MB and because of her uncertainty and jealousy she will continue to LB. That is why most As die a natural death. Everything is great in the beginning, but after a while difficulties come up in any relationship and without that history it is hard to overcome the obstacles.<p>Remember the statistics -- 90% of marriages do not end because of an A. You will be in that percentage as long as you stick to your Plan A, be strong and do not LB. Deep down your H knows you are the better choice. Keep in mind that he probably feels tremendous guilt and sometimes that will cause him to lash out at you. That is what my H has done. But know things are really going great. I believe his IC has helped him work some of that out and we really talk about it. The other day he said something great to me. He said that we would not still be together if it was not for me and the things I did (Plan A) when he was in the fog. <p>Hang in there. Stay strong! You are the better choice and your H knows it -- it will just be hard to admit because that will cause him even more guilt.<p>You have been doing great. Don't let the rollercoaster get you!<p>FHO

Thanks Redhat and FormerHopelessOne<p> You saved me at just the right time. I have not been on MB today and I was starting to try to get in the mindframe that it was over. I can move on. I will find someone better who will treat me better (besides this my H always treated me fantastic) Someone who will cherrish me and let me know how much they love and need me. <p> I have been talking to the dogs saying all kinds of crazy things like we'll get a new dad a better dad etc. They're just dogs- I'd never say that to real kids. It was just an experiment to put myself in a positive mindset with turning over a new leaf with someone else. I went and got my hair cut and highlighted today. My friend does my hair (She knows about the A through another friend). She was so encouraging saying things like she hopes it works out and what a fool my H is. Of course she used stronger language. She has known my H and I for about 8 years. She was floored and said she didn't know what to say because she always thought we had the best relationship out of anyone. But she was so encouraging if it didn't work out too. She complimented me up and down (especially after the new haircut). She told me how impressed she was at how I looked (thin, athletic-not that I had a problem before!) and how I was handling the whole situation and she said she has a whole network of single friends that would fight over me once I went back to dating. I told her I wasn't ready quite yet. As far as I knew he was coming home to work things out.

She did spark my interest in rock climbing. Her new boyfriend is into it and they have been going once a week to prepare for a climb in Costaa Rica. I am going to go train with them. Pick up yet another interesting hobby.<p> My MIL called today. She is very bitter at H . He has not communicated with me in 12 days and 14 since he spoke to his mother. She called to say she wants to fly down there next week and take a cab to the school. She wants the school to call him and tell him "your mother's here if you want to speak to her come to the office. Other wise she will be at this hotel." I asked my MIL what good would that do? I told her: "You will waste all that time and energy to chase after him. Live for yourself and forget about him. He has not called so you want to lash out and hurt him. Think about the last time he called, the fog had cleared and he told you how miserable he was being around her all the time. Maybe now she will not let him out of her sight. You know he will not call when she is there so maybe he really can not call. I am going on the last phone call 12 days ago. He said he was taking a semester off he wanted to work it out. That was what I wanted to hear I am not asking for anymore. I am getting through today. Yes my parents are confused as to why he did not call on Easter or to see how I am doing after my wisdom teeth thing. But I am skirting the issue."<p> My MIL was told what she wanted to hear but she wants more more more. She wants instant results and revenge. I love and respect her very much but I am embarrassed to say that sometimes i think she is very immature and materialistic. She keeps complaining how my h has ruined her life and destroyed all her dreams. She only did everything in her life for her kids and now her future iss destroyed. I was a bit hostile and i had to speak my mind. But I told her " You have had a wonderful life you can be thankful for. You got married, you raised your kids youu saw them get married. you have alot to be thankful for. It is time to let go. i got married to the love of my life. that's it. i do not have childen, I may never have them (MIL does not know I may be steril due to H's STD), My life has been cut short, my path has taken the turn. I am sorry that you feel so robbed her but try to remember he was my H who has put my life on hold. At least you got to do all those wonderful things with your wonderful husband. I know it was mean but I couldn't listen to her harp about how hard a time she was having. She always comes to me to unload. When she does not get what she wants -she wants to do something to hurt the other person. I told her to do what she wants (she wantas to go qand confront him) blood is thicker than water. But if she is calling me up to seek approval to go there and badger him, I will not do it. I am looking out for only me right now. I also rely heavily on the statistics and the fact it takes a tleast 6 months from D-day to see results. The fact he is coming home 3 months after d-day (112 days exactly) I am impressed and thankful but also ready for a backslide. i plan on bringing 112 Gerber Daisies to the airport to pick him up. One for every day he has been gone-Daisies as a sign of friendship. <p> All I know is he is coming home- so he says. I will believe it when I see it. So for now I still live for myself and you should to. <p> Tell me, does the fact that he has not called me in 12 days throw out a big red flag to everyone else that this is definately NOT going to work out? Am I ignoring a blatant clue that my marriage is over? Would a WS who really want to work things out call and communicate with me more? Am I being blind by just thinking him not calling is yet another bump along the rollercoster. that there is a reason, be it fog or fear or lack of time or lack of spine? PLEASE TELL ME IF I AM MISSING SOMETHING HERE GUYS! <p>Thanks!
Forgiver

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Forgiver:
<strong> All I know is he is coming home- so he says. I will believe it when I see it. So for now I still live for myself and you should to. <p> Tell me, does the fact that he has not called me in 12 days throw out a big red flag to everyone else that this is definately NOT going to work out? Am I ignoring a blatant clue that my marriage is over? Would a WS who really want to work things out call and communicate with me more? Am I being blind by just thinking him not calling is yet another bump along the rollercoster. that there is a reason, be it fog or fear or lack of time or lack of spine? PLEASE TELL ME IF I AM MISSING SOMETHING HERE GUYS!</strong><hr></blockquote><p>You are doing great. Be catious and move on w/ your life and tell H that this wagon is moving on w/ or w/o him. There is a ticket price to pay if H wants to join in, i.e terms that you have to set. Lay it out on the table and no LB.<p>About no call, you could ask him when you see him. Don't waste your energy try to second guess H ... probably all of the above (fog, lack of spine, lack of time ... etc). The most improtant thing is you. You have given your best shot and you like what you have become ... if H is not back it is his losses. Save your energy to climb that last rock ... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>-RH-

Forgiver,<p>I don't know why he has not called you in 12 days. Your situation is kind of unique on the board because of the distance. Well, here is my 2 cents -- for what it is worth, probably not even that much. I believe you H is still in the fog. On the one hand he has this wonderful fantasy life living on a tropical island without responsibilities. Remember those days when you had no responsibilities -- no mortgage, no dogs (yes, I have 2 dogs, the loves of my life -- I couldn't have made it through this without them), no major bills, not many family obligations, no one depending on you. Imagine being able to escape from all of them for awhile -- pretty tempting. On the other hand, he has you, the faithful wife and best friend. Someone that I am sure he really still loves. Otherwise it would be easy for him to just say, let's get a Dv, I found someone else. Remember, he never even said that on his own to you when he came back over Christmas. You discovered the e-mails and I believe that because of the conflict that was happening, his fight or flight instincts kicked in and he fled because he couldn't handle the miriad emotions her was experiencing. So he escaped back into the fantasy -- probably because he has no idea how to get himself out of the mess he has gotten himself into.<p>I think that is what most As are -- a fantasy world for someone to escape into -- they can pretend to be anyone they want because they don't have to keep it up for year after year after year. Your H has some wonderful elements of the fantasy going for him. But, I also believe that living with the OW constantly is going to become more and more of a strain on their relationship. I believe you are already seeing this -- she is LBing big time -- demanding, being jealous, clingy. You know your H bese (even though it seems like he is an alien now) and you will know how he will react to those things. <p>You have done a GREAT Plan A. You know have to do the hardest thing ever -- wait. It is not easy. You will have to see if your H comes home. When he does, you need to make sure he feels safe -- not that you will never express your feelings -- because you will have to at some point. Just so he knows that your love is true and you can truly forgive him and want to be with him. One of my Hs greatest fears is the I will "wake up" in a couple of years and say that this is not worth it and I am leaving. In a way I think that is hysterical because it would be so much easier to do that now that go through this. <p>I think you have done all the right things. You need to wait for your H to come home and see how you feel -- you might feel differently by then. Remember, the person you love -- the non-alien H -- is there underneath it all. <p>Finally, WHEN(see I believe he will come home) your H comes home, you should introduce your H to the MB principles slowly. These will help him to realize that you can recover. That there is a way out of the mess he has made in your M with his A. <p>I hope I have made some sense. The fogese is really strong, but patience and persistance can overcome it.<p>I think you are a strong woman who has shown tremendous persistence in the face of adversity.<p>FHO

He may still confused Forgiver, or maybe he's tying up loose ends. I know its really hard, the silence can be more terrifying than the contact is, but try not to read too much into it until you hear for sure. <p>Re MIL. This is a hard one, but its good you were assertive. You're right, you have got it a bit tougher than her right now, she has her husband there. Its damn hard to do this stuff when your husband was the person who got you through most of life's ups and downs and now he is the ups and downs! Its hard when you were best friends, lover, the whole deal and now you're barely hanging on to a thread of anything. <p>Hang in there mate, you're doing really well, I wish I had half of your patience and strength. Talk to your doggies, they will love you no matter what you say to them!<p>[ April 04, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

Hi Wucus, FormerHopelessOne,
Redhat and Seahorse<p> Thank you all so much for your kind input and advice. It is just what I need to keep going.<p> Since it has been so long since I have heard from my h I find it almost tempting to throw in the towel. But then I remember it has only been 3 months since D-day-still early right? And the last I heard from My H was that he was coming home for the semester. American Airlines has called twice to confirm a time change to the 22nd of April. So that's the news I have had to keep me going for the past 2 weeks.<p> Redhat- you are with me in my head all day: "You can not second guess what H is doing or going through." I have to keep checking myself and think, he's not communicating for a reason- I can not try to figure out what it is. It could be in my favor or not. So think positive!<p> Let A die a natural death!! DIE! DIE! DIE! already! <p>"The waiting is the hardest part....." Tom Petty<p>Thanks All- Hey look we all got through another day!
Forgiver

you're so right, we all got thru one more day in paradise. Not long now mate.

Hi Forgiver: You are really doing well. Amazing!!! It is so difficult not to worry what about what they are doing every single moment of the day. Are they sleeping together, arguing, ... But you have such a good plan going working on yourself I am surprised you haven't met someone else!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Anyway, my WS did not have the element of sex in his affair but since he has flown off to Sweden to see this woman so he could, "End it and say Goodbye." you can bet sex is there now. But you know what? It doesn't even matter. Our WS's know their way home. All I can say is they had better pray that if they decide to come we havn't moved. You are so strong and it is that strength that will get you through life with or without your WS. I get the feeling he is going to be amazed when he sees you again. And when he comes back into your life do not stop working on yourself. Let him have this time without talking to you. I think it is probably a good thing. He is definitly thinking about you. How could he not. You know Forgiver, I like to be chased some. Try to let him chase you some. He is basking in the glow of these two women wanting him so bably. Let him want you some too. Obviously, and I mean OBVIOUSLY, you are the prize in this relationship. Not him. OBVIOUSLY Take care and keep up the good work. You are amazing girl. wucus

Forgiver,<p>3 months is still in honeymoon. MB usually measure plan A or A in 6 months for a reason w/ backing of a lot of cases. I know you are ups and downs right now, just keep your activities more 'till you can't idle. 2 more weeks, we pray for you and your H. -RH-