Dear Forgiver,
I have been lurking on your post for a while now and feel it is time to let you know I am here. <p>My H and I have spent much time throughout our 23 year relationship and 19 year marriage apart. This is due to his being an officer in the navy. Like you I have spent much time sacrificing and doing what I felt was right to help our marriage. This I did gladly until about six years ago when he became distant, cold and seemed to ignore me and not really want to do anything together when he would come home. Later I discovered that for those six years he was having an affair with my best friend in the city in which we had previously lived. In fact he was living there M-F and coming home on weekends to see us when he was not at sea. I stayed here for sake of kids education.<p>Anyway we are in recovery and after 6 months of a rollercoaster things are finally getting better.
There are some things that you said that I agree with. I had been rejected, ignored, verbally and emotionally abused for years however still was here keeping up my end of the bargain. He was living this fantasy life with no bills, no responsibility, no kids to deal with or ferry around. He and her had none of that just quality time to spend with each other. <p>In all this time ( I did not know about the affair) although I was desperately unhappy and lonely, I craved his love and attention and even thought that if things did not improve I would leave him and then maybe I would have a chance of one day feeling this again from another. The fact remains though that I would not have had an affair. Even though there was opportunity.<p>It is hard for me to deal with accepting his choice to do this and deceive me for so long. I think it is good that at least your H came clean with you. It gave you an oportunity to plan A and not LB which I unfortunately began to do when I felt him slipping away and didn't know why. This drove him closer to her. I didn't know what I was up against. <p>The ambivalence you are feeling is normal. You are wise to wait and see what comes and how you react when he comes home. You have done an awesome job of holding yourself together and staying strong through this. Stay strong. I admire you a lot.<p>My main reason for posting is that I want to wish you luck and hope that things turn out the best for you when he comes home. It is going to be hard, try to shoe the same strength that you have shown so far.<p>Praying for you
C&S

Confused&Scared,<p> Thank you so much for your kindness. I am sorry you have been through the same as I have. It is a comfort to know that there are people are lurking. Sometimes I feel like Readhat and Seahorse may not realize how much I depend on them for a response. I do not want to be a burden on them feeling they must respond. So the fact that others are lurking is such a comfort especially when someone steps forward as you have. I know in many situations it is hard to say anything to someone in our position. I lurk as well on others posts. I wish I could say something to them but can't always find the words. i leave it up to the veterans to dole out the advice. I'm still a newbie.<p> Again thak you for sharing your story and offering your support to me. It is greatly appreciated.<p> I am going nuts not hearing from my H.<p> His flight is tomorrow but he says he's coming Tuesday. I'm not sure whats going on. Preparing for the worst but hoping for the best. At least the house is really clean and stocked. All the chores are done in preparation for his return so we can spend time on just us. So if he does not come I can sit back and relax.<p> PS I had a dinner party for 11 people on Friday. Some know about my H and are sworn to secrecy. The others don't know. Had a party just to have one, to prove I don't need my H around to get a house full of people. People will come to see me. i've never had a party without my H so it was a little scary. Especially since I'm not used to cooking for others. Everyone had a good time and they left by 2 am. I went out with three guy friends for dinner on Saturday night. They are in similar situations as I am or just rocky relationships. We joked how sad we all were and how they bring each other down. It was funny because I am the upbeat one of the group and I had to tell them the bright sides of our situations. Very fun night, but totally platonic.<p>If I hear some news from my H ... Be sure you will all be the first to know!
Forgiver

Forgiver, I have been thinking about you a lot. Today is the 22nd (here in Oz its Monday morning). I really hope everything goes well, that he's as "normal" as possible and treats you well - you deserve nothing less and lots more. <p>I don't know what else to say to you. I feel for you, we seem to be experiencing the same feelings as the same time. I struggle with being discarded, it hurts very much. I don't know if you should go to the airport. My H didn't ask me to pick him up either, so I just left it at that and didn't go near the airport.<p>I wonder if they will ever realise how selfish they've been? <p>To thine own self be true, Forgiver. Good Luck

NEWSFLASH!!!<p> Rollercoaster going around a bend... what lies ahead???? Are we on a bumpy ride going up? Or is there a gutwrenching screaming, shrieking drop to the bottom?? Tune in and see...<p> H called my SIL. She asked if he wanted me to pick him up at the airport tomorrow. He asked what she was talking about, his flight is on Tuesday. She explained. He said he thought his flight was on Tuesday. There's no way he's coming home on Monday. He is moving out and has not packed. He was planning on doing that on Monday. He went to the airport and changed his flight to Wednesday. He does not want me to pick him up at the airport. He wants to rent a car to drive himself home. He told his sister he does not feel anyone should have to do anything for him. He said he does not deserve it. She said he sounded good but he was very embarrassed and seemed stressed. He was not defensive or argumentative at all. She said he sounds really, really guilty but she does not know what to think anymore. She asked why he felt that way and he said "C'mon, give me a break, after all that's happened?"<p> His best friend called me to say he spoke to him. He said he sounded good but said he was miserable. HE was coming home on Wed and would rent a car. Both he and my SIL said he was taking the semester off.<p> So I called work and asked to come in on Mon through Wed. I would take off thursday-Wednesday of next week. Taking days off is very difficult so it was a tricky situation to call my boss on a Sunday at home.<p> I guess I should just let him rent a car and do what he wants? I want to pick him up at the airport. (But maybe that's too controling?) I'd feel better if I saw him walking towards me. Maybe I could read his face. We would be distracted waiting for his luggage and driving home, maybe stop for a bite. I can not stand the thought of being home and having him walk in. I don't know what to do. Do I hug him? Do I sit there? Do I stand? I'd like to be sleeping and see what he does. I wonder what Dr. Sigmund Freud would say that ment? Sleeping Beauty pops into my head as i type this. My prince comes to kis me from my slumber and rescue me!!? What kind of demented prince is this? An ALIEN is coming to kiss me!!!! I'm being abducted, violated by an ALIEN!!! AAAGGGHHHHHH!!!! Run away! Run Away!<p> What do I say? I am clueless. No matter what I do it won't be the right thing. I am going to go to work and then to the gym and then to kickboxing. I have no idea what time he is coming home. I'll pick up some take out and walk in, like I always do. Greet the dogs and give him a "Hi Hon. How was your flight?" I just have to let it go. <p> Talked to my brother today for awhile. He suggested even though I always tried to do everything right by my H and plan everything out that maybe my H viewed it as controling to some degree. Like I'm doing now. I try to figure everything out to try to make everything work out just right. I always do my flow chart in my head, planning... If this happens then we'll do this or if that happens it would be a good time to try to do this. My B suggested I do what Abe Lincoln used to do. Plan aout the worst case scenerio and think what I would do. Then if it happens I'd be prepared. But he said don't try so hard to think what you should do, just be. Leave it up to H. I have done so much on my own I am making myself sick going in circles. I just have to live in the moment and take it a second at a time, never mind one day at a time. My B reassurred me that in no way during our 12 years together did I seem to be a nag or *****y to my H. he considered me very laid back and easy going on the outside, that's the way people view me -but being my B he knows my brain is going a mile a minute trying to make everyone else comfortable. He says it is especially important to try right now to just let go and leave it up to my H to set the tone. If my H wants to rent a car, let him, do my normal thing to show him I'm ok. But then I think, how will he feel if I'm not home when he gets home? Will he walk out? Will he be releived? But then I think, Why should I wait around all day? I have now idea when he will be home. I should just do my own thing and maybe he will be there, maybe he won't. Man! See what I mean? ALl this thinking is driving me nuts! I think I sound crazy and should be committed. <p> I am also prepared my H will not come or move his flight up again. If that's the case i'll take my week vacation anyway because it will just get too confusing to try to explain. It will give me a better perspective and drive to move on.<p> My H told my SIL he would not call or e-mail me. He would/could not perhaps because she was there, who knows.<p> Sorry everyone who thinks he was coming home tomorrow. Tune in for another update. Thanks for dealing with my ranting and raving like the lunatic I have become. Hey, sometimes it can be fun to be crazy, so I've learned.
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>Yeap, 'coaster ride is not fun at all. However you have a lot of support, you will be fine. Let H does what he wants right now, just sit back and watch him. Let him rent the car and let him come to you. You have done your part. This is the time to plan up your worst scenario. It might not come to that but be ready. The next two days will be the longest day in your life, take a good care of yourself.<p>To be crazy ?, it is another way to face the reality, run from it. I know you are better than that but some time we have our moment.<p>God Bless you.

Hi Again Forgiver, I agree with RH, just let him come to you. Don't try too hard for him, if he's feeling guilty you don't know how he will react to it. You've done your bit, its his turn. Just let go, if you try to control him, not only will you stress yourself but you may stress him too, and if things don't work out as you planned you will be even more stressed.<p>I'm praying for you.

Thanks Redhat and Seahorse!!<p> You guys mean so much to mean I really appreciate all your wisdom and support. I am so thankful to have you watch over me.

YOu are rigth as usual and confirm my gut feeling to let him come to me. I will carry on with my day because i still do not know what will happen. I will go to work then to the gym, then to kickboxing. I'll pick up sushi adn daisies (for friendship)and then go home. He should be home by then. He will have to wait for me to come home. Maybe it will be easier for him to come home to an empty house and see how nice everything is and settle in for a while. Then he will have to wait for me to come home. Then I won't wast the day waiting and I will keep busy.
Thanks again. I'll check in tomorrow. I pray for us all have a good night!
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver,
Just checked in because it is the 23rd here. Want to wish you all the best for today. Like seahorse I am in the land down under. You are in my thoughts.
C&S

Hi Forgiver, I think what you say is best- keep busy for the next day or so or you will tie yourself in knots. Good luck!

Forgiver,<p>If it is Wed 4/24 ... we are both in the huge swing in the 'coaster ... tomorrow is my first court date. I have appointment w/ SH on Friday to give him update, it might be my last call to him.<p>God Bless you, -RH-

BUMPITY-BUMP-BUMP-BUMP!!!! H BUMPED FLIGHT TO MONDAY!!!!<p>ROLLERCOASTER IS ON A CRAZY TRACK!!<p> Greetings my fine friends!
My H called to say " Hi stranger! how are you? Just calling to let you know I won't be coming home tomorrow. I'm coming home on Monday."<p> Apparently he has not gotten his sh** together and waited to the last minute to do everything. He still has not packed all his stuff. He said he has been running around the past few days trying to get everything done but he has not made a dent. He is taking a semester off and to do that he has to mett with administration and fill out paperwork. He has to pay bills and take care of his car. he has to build his lamb an enclosure so his buddies upstairs can take care of it while he is gone( it's living in his house with him like one of the dogs). HE said he's really sorry to have to do this again but he just has too much running around and not enough time. He said he tried to get a flight on Thurs., fri., & sat. but they were all booked. (Should I check?) the soonest he could come was Monday. When he told me I was quiet at first which set off his defense mode. I said "That's fine hon. What ever you have to do or want to do. Are you sure you want to come home?" He said "What's that suppossed to mean? Do you want me to come home? It sounds like maybe you don't even want me to come home." I told him that I was looking forward to him coming home all the other days he said he was coming home. But each time he changes his plans it scares me. Because i think maybe you don't want to come. That was when he went into the details of why he couldn't come. He told me he was taking off the semester to work on us but to do that takes tying up alot of lose ends done ther and he just can't get it done in time. But he will be home until August to spend the time with me.<p> He didn't know I took this week off from work. Then I changed it to Thurs. Fri. - next wed. He said he was sorry I had to keep changing =my plans. I asked him what he wanted me to do. Should I just take of next Mon-wed. and then go back to work? I asked if he needed time and space rather than come home and spend a solid week with me. Perhaps that would be too stressful for him? He said no, he would really like it if I could take the whole week off because he wanted to be with me. He wanted to spend all the time with me to start to try to make it up to me. So tomorrow I have to embarrass myself and try to get my boss to switch my days off a third time.<p> He is not bringing his dog home because the required regulations could not be followed. He could not get a vet appt until 2 weeks from now. My thing is if he wanted to bring his dog home so bad, he woud have gotten it taken care of weeks ago. HE knew he was coming home and it was difficult to take a dog out of the country. So the real BUMMER is that he ids having HER take care of the dog until he goes back in Aug, when he will take it back. NO COMMUNICATION IS A MUST!!!! I fear she will be calling about the dog or he will call her to check up on him-excuse to talk to her. rekindle? If she takes the dog I think he will have to cut all communication with her. He will not know about his dog until he goes back and SOMEONE ELSE delivers his dog to him.. If she EVER calls here I will hang up immediately. I' don't care. She will not take up one more second of my life! This is a MAJOR LB from him. Why can't someone else take care of it? My therapist didi not like thath story. HE was not getting a good feeling about that. Didi't sound right. If he wanted his dog he would have done the work.<p> His friend who is keeping his belongings asked my H what he should tell people when my H does not come back. My H said tell everyone who asks a different story. Make stuff up. This way stories will be flying all over. He was laughing like it was so funny. Like I was one of his friends that would think it was so funny and he was so cool. It hurt me. Why couldn't he tell him to say he went back to his wife to work on his M. EVERYONE knew he was cheating on me. That hurt alot.<p> He said he has been avoiding her the past few days and has not seen her very much. Yeah right. I think he keeps putting off coming home because it is their spring break this week and he is spending his last romantic week with her. Maybe she keeps persuading him to out his flight of one more day, one more day.
If you take what he says at face value then he seems sincere and he really wants to work on us. But after all I hear at MB I can not trust anything he says.It would really stink if he really is telling the truth and Iam beating myself up thinking of all these horrible alternative motives he has.<p> He told me he loves me very much several times. He asked if he could call me this weekend, if I would be around. i told him I would love to hear from him. I told him his silence KILLS me. The long stretch of times that go by when I do not hear from him kill me. He said he was sorry he didn't realize(HUH?!!) He said he would try to call everyday until he came home just tosay hi and keep in touch. I told him that I would love that and it would mean so much to hear from him.
I asked if he wanted me to pick him up at the airport or if he wanted to rent a car. Whatever he wanted to do. He said " I would LOVE it if you were there at the airport to pick me up." My heart skipped when he said that. I later found out he called his Mom before me and she told him it tore me in two when he said he was going to rent a car. He said "Really? I didn't mean for that I just didn't want to ask anything of anyone after all I've done"<p> His Mom told him how much it hurt me everytime he changed his flight and didn't call me to tell me anything. She also told him how lucky he was that I loved him so much and put up with all of this. He was so lucky to have me and I was willing to take him back. He told her she was not the first one to tell him that. His friends just told him that yesterday. He told his mom he love me more than anything and he wanted to make things right, to come home and do whatever it took to fix our M. He told me he would go to counseling with me. Whatever I wanted him to do. He said he woudl go to work with me and make appearances with me, whatever I wanted.<p> So now it's Monday he is coming home. I'll believe it when I see it. I won't hold my breath for his calls either. I hate that I have this bitter edge. I wish I could be genuinely, wholeheartedly happy about him coming home and what he has said. I hate that I can not enjoy it for the truth and believe him.
SOrry it was so long. Thanks for all you well wishes.
Redhat goodluck tomorrow. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. I hope you get what you deserve. You are a beautiful man who deserves the best life has to offer. I wish your wife would see how blessed she is to have you in her life. I know I am. <p> Thanks for your support Confused and Scared You are a day ahead of me. I wish you could see into my future a day ahead and tell me what's in store.
Seahorse... I wish I could hug you. My H and I planned a trip down under this past year but we didn't go since vet school came into the picture. Maybe in a few years we'll take the trip. My H has a long time friend there he always wants to visit. I'd love to hug you in person.
I wish us all the best for what ever is in store for each of us tomorrow. But look we made it through another day! Yipee
Forgiver

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I wish I had an answer to your every question. Don't try to guess what he's thinking or doing (I know its hard) because right now, he doesn't think straight anyway. I can see from my H, they are just incapable of doing anything much. That's why he didn't organise the dog. And yes, I would insist on no contact too. Its like he's trying to make an excuse to keep contact with her (sorry to be so blunt, but that's how it looks).<p>You did good Forgiver and it looks like your MIL did good for you too. These WS just don't get it do they. Why can't they understand that we love them. Urghhh.<p>BTW, if you ever make it down here, please please please let me know. I would be so happy to meet you.

Seahorse,
Thanks for the sympathy. I'm OK with it I just go with the flow. I recall someones signature here being something like "Bend like a reed instead of an oak which will snap in the breeze." That's me I'm swaying in the breeze. Whatever happens...happens.

My boss was very understanding. He let me change my days off to all of next week. If he does not come home, I will take the week to spend with my horse and do more for myself. Maybe I'll splurge and have a sprinkler system installed with the $$ I would have spent on us.<p> I hope Redhat had a successful day. i have been thinking of you and trying to send my strength and prayers to you. I know Wednesday must have been heartwrenching. I hope all went as well as could be hoped for.<p> H said he would call everyday until he came home. No call last night. Oh well, no big deal. Just another breeze for me to bend through!
Until tomorrow!
Forgiver

Hey All,<p> Having a hard time tonight. No call from H. I called airline to get info about his flight on Monday which is booked. Out of curosity I asked if there were any earlier flights available for thurs-sun. They said there were flights available everyday! My H told me everything was booked. When I checked online through travelocity, there were no flights available.
I know my H uses travelocity so it would appear no flights available. This may be the case that he just looked online. But when I called and heard there were flights available I was pissed.

I wanted to e-mail him and tell him not to come. I want to e-mail him and tell him there ARE flights available. If he calls I want to tell him I KNOW there are flights available. But I now know how knowing information and keeping it to yourself is soooooooo difficult. I know I have to keep my mouth shut. <p> I have not e-mailed him in 2 weeks. Should i e-mail and tell him not to come? Should I e-mail with flight info? Should I tell him I am happy he is coming home? He never checks his e-mail anyway. Who am I kidding. <p> Oh I am so angry! VENT! VENT! VENT! This is only the beginning and I don't know how I am going to deal with this.<p> I'm sorry guys I just needed to get this out. Thanks for listening. I know you have your problems too. You can dump on me anytime.
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver
Sorry about all of your news. Although your H did not come home, his conversation sounded so positive. The fact that he has taken a semester off to try to set things right sounded so hopeful.<p>Promising to call you and then not is such a bummer. These guys just don't deserve a loving wife. You would think he would be bending over backwards to follow through and do all he can to show you his love. What an insensitive jerk.<p>As far as the flights go I guess your only alternative is to give him the benefit of the doubt. You guys need some time face to face to talk. I would think that no matter what the outcome, I would not tell him not to come. You can't go on in limbo like this.<p>You sound like a really strong person. Try and hold it together a bit longer. I fully understand how you feel. Keep venting here. This is not going to be easy. Only you can decide what is right for you and I think only when he finally comes home can you really get an understanding of what that will be.<p>As I told you my H and I are finally recovering well, however there are many times that I have felt like throwing in the towel and it has been a very bumpy ride. I guess I really hope that you and he can work it out, but ony YOU can decide if that is what is ultimately best for you. Ambivalence is a very normal reaction to what we are going through as is anger. You have a right to your anger. <p>Anyway hope you can hang in there a bit longer. I am praying for and thinking of you.
regards
C&S

Forgiver,<p>Hang in there and vent over here [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] ... don't send that email. You know first rule of snooping ... never use it against your H while in the fog. You could let him know after H is out of the fog and for now use it just to see how sincere your H is. I know it hurt but he is not himself, just keep it in your journal and let him read it during recovery so H knows what hoops you have to jump to save your M.<p>I got my first hearing, basically I got everything that the social worker recomended. I got the primary and she got visitation. However temporary Child Support and Spousal Support will make me go into debt. We both agree that the property should be sold asap. I call my realtor and get an offer already. I will move this quick and protect myself financially and legally. I have my time w/ SH this morning to keep him up to date. It might be my last call to him ... I am ready to move on asap and if my WW gives me any hint of reconciliation I would not talk to her but send her to SH, I would not even cancel the Dv. I will let SH assure me that I could have fullfiling relationship otherwise I am going to dump her. I am done with my part, I did my best and my best wasn't good enough for her. I will have no regret on my decision. My 2 D understood well the situation and willing to move on with me. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>Again hang in there and vent in here [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . I am late giving update since I have to deal w/ realtor plus I try to find a condo to rent. I am back again ... I am taking down my Paxil and I will try to get out of it, double doses makes me sleepy.

Hi Forgiver, don't send the email, just wait and let things play out. I know its soooo hard. I desperately want to call my H or email him (no contact for a few days) but I won't - I'm too scared to in case it blows it all. <p>Just keep going about your life, I learnt this lesson a few weeks ago when H said he was coming to see me then cancelled. I vowed from then on, even if he said he was coming I would still do what I want to do. <p>Your doing so well, just relax, focus and take it all with a pinch of salt. We can do this Forgiver, we can survive!<p>RedHat, good luck and god bless.

Thank you all so much!<p> My H just called and the first thing he said was I'm sorry I didn't call. I know I said i would but OW was in there house for 2 days straight and he said he was not around. He said he avoids her and stays away. He can only call from there house and he will not call me with her there. He said she was not there today so he called. We spoke for a 1/2 and hour. Mostly about our dog from college who lives with his parents. He has cancer and is going downhill very fast. We got the dog the first year we were dating so he is 12 years old. As old as our realtionship. He told his Mom to put the dog to sleep. He has not eaten in 3 days and is sleeping all the time. His mom wants to wait for him to come home. We mostly talked about that and the things he has to do before leaving.
Can I tell him I am not comfortable with the OW taking care of his dog while he is home with me? I fear she will call or he will call her about it. We hav not discussed no contact yet. Although his mother told him he can not talk to OW ever again. He said he knew and he had no plans ofit . Their realtion ship is over and has been for a while, so he says. I don't know what to believe. But her having his dog kills me. Do I say something so he can make arrangements before he comes home. His Mother told me I should say something. She said I have to be totally honest that it bothers me. Otherwise he may come home and not realize how much it bothers me. He might then say, "Why didn't you say something befor I left?" <p> Can I tell him or would that be LBing?
Redhat- Glad to hear you are doing OK. I amd thinking of you. THank you everyone for your help.
Forgiver

u r welcome [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . LB'ed is determine by the recepient, your could find a way to tell him w/o demanding or judging his action and just states it in the form of I. Make sure you open it up such a way that H feels that he doesn't need to do anything. For example, you could open up w/ "I know right now nothing we could do about the dog staying there with OW but I just want to let you know that I am not comfortable about it. I envy her taking care of the dog ... " or something like that. If H doesn't response ... don't LB'ed. Learn how to communicate with your H.<p>Good luck -RH-

Hello Forgiver,
It is Monday night here so I gues it is Monday morning there. Good luck today. Hope it goes well. Some of your conversations with H sounded promising. You handled discussion about the dog so well.
I will be thinking of you and praying for the best.
Regards
C&S