Hi, Forgiver,<p>Just stopping by for a brief hello. I am leaving in a few minutes to take my first law school finalo -- I'm a little nervous, so I thought coming here might help me.<p>Hang in there -- keep your eye on the prize. What are you working toward -- to become the best person you can possibly be and to learn how to build a great M. Regarding the snooping -- if you can't handle what you might find, I recommend you don't snoop. I know that reading what my FWH had e-mailed to her was DEVESTATING. My H and I are now in recovery. He has turned back into the H I know and love and not that horrible alien person. It is amazing, they seem to wake up suddenly -- you try and try and try and the seem to "get it" for a minute then slip right back into the fog -- then one day the alien is gone and your S is back. When my H and I talk about it now, he cannot believe what he wrote to her. I can't understand that -- he wrote it, didn't he really believe it. The best I can figure out is that they really have been taken over by aliens.<p>You have really made amazing progress for yourself. Keep perservering. I think now might be a good time to actually take to your H. You should explain that whil he has been away you have been working on you and have learned a lot about R and M. You understand that he had important ENs that were not being met while he was away from home and that this led to the A. It is because you truly understand these things that you are truly calm and have changed. You might consider sharing some very basic principals with him from this site or others so that he can understand where you are coming from. It will take him a while to truly appreciate them, but this will help him understand you and not be thinking you have been taken over by an alien. Express your comittment and love to him.<p>Gotta run. Will check back later.<p>FHO

FHO, your words re your H becoming 'normal' again give us all hope. I know I am loosing hope i will ever see my H again. I hope this happens for all of us here.<p>Its so hard to be patient sometimes. <p>Sorry to do this in your thread Forgiver.<p>SH

Hello All!<p> Another day home alone! TGIF! I am going to kickboxing and then out with a girlfriend. Would rather go to bed early but I know I should get out.<p> Seahorse- You can hijack my thread anytime. Believe me I know how hard this is. Any hope at all is welcomed. But from reading some of the responses I am getting, it seems I get a vibe that perhaps I have done all I could and I should start to face that hope is not as strong as i thought?
I have been waiting for my H to come to me. He came for a week and left. HE says he is coming back after Mother's day-Monday? Should I e-mail him? She has been. So, do I compete through e-mail or back off completely. I was thinking of sending a plan A letter through e-mail. Or should I wait until he comes home. Ifeel by him staying up there he is getting more relaxed and comfortable, not as defensive (His mom told me this) But I think he is getting more comfortable with the idea of leaving me and going back to her. They get stronger through e-mails and phone calls. Professing their love and wanting to be together. Yet he is making no attempts with me.
If I file for divorce. He and she win. I lose. We would probably have to split the house and I would have to pay him. That is why I would hang in for 3 years. I would not see him but after he graduates, I could divorce him and get 1/2 his salery. Why divorce now when I can still live here and not pay him? I would rather just wait it out. MAybe he will come around? I do not want to lose my house any sooner thatn I ahve to and go live with my parents. I could not afford to buy another house in my town or anywhere near here. We were very lucky to get our property when we did. Not prices are unattainable for me alone. I'd rather stay as long as I can.<p>
Redhat- You help me by saying how strong I am but it scares me to hear you say you think I have done all I can. I get the feeling you might think my case is hopeless? You know how I analyze too much. I am afraid. Should I e-mail him? Send a plan A letter. What about if i got in the car and went to his parents house and asked to talk? I hear you saying let him come to you. but if he is this amazing coward, he will not come. He still has not told me or anyone he wants a divorce. Just keeps saying he loves me but he does not have the strong feelings for me anymore. He says he's sonfused. Butt perhaps him saying he is confused is a lie as well. Perhaps he just can not come out and express what he really wants to say. I will call Jen for some help.<p> FormerHopelessOne- Thank you for your encouragement and positive words. It seems as if my situation is too unique and far gone to me sometimes. Should I go to my H and say what I have to say? Again, that is me doing something for him, going to him. as long as his mother or I do things for him or speak for him or try to understand him- we are enabling him to do NOTHING! I do not want to make this easy for him and bail out. I thank you for your good advice on what to tell him. I took notes and will share it along with what others have told me what to say. If I am competing with OW should I e-mail him everyday?<p> I'm really stuck in limbo guys. I have to hang in there or lose it all.
Thanks for listening.
Forgiver

Forgiver,<p>Sorry you are frustrated. It is hard not to get that way. Here is my opinion:<p>Continue your Plan A as long as you still have love for your H. If you can't really talk to him, continue your Plan A from a distance -- through e-mail. That and the cards and things worked before. I really, really feel that your H had a choice. He did not have to come home and try to work on your M. He could have come home, told you it was over and then went back. Or, he could have just told you it was over. If he really was thinking logically and had a plan, this is what he would have done. Remember, the WS is in the FOG -- the translates to CONFUSION, inability to think LOGICALLY. Your H probably doesn't know what he is doing/thinking right now. He is probably overwhelmed with emotions. I know now that is what was going on with my H. At the time, I just couldn't understand why he was being so irrational, why he was swinging back a forth, why there was no consistency. This is fog. <p>You H cam home because of your Plan A -- it made him remember all the things he loves about you. The problem is that after a separation, it is really hard to get things back on track. My H was only gone for 4 days, but it took about 2 weeks before we finally felt comfortable with each other. It actually felt like our moods just couldn't sync up. (I posted something about this on Seahorse's thread). I should have posted this to you sooner, because when you posted what was happening when your H first came home, I immediately remembered how uncomfortable it was with my H at first. Sunday's were especially hard -- don't know why, unless it was the start of the new week and I would not know what was going on with him as much. Sorry, I didn't post it earlier -- busy with school.<p>I also think maybe you should talk to your H about your R. Try this before he gets more distant. Make sure you are ready for this conversation though -- absolutely no LBing. This will be critical. You need to really convince him that you understand your part in the problems in your M. Perhaps let him know what ENs of his that were not being met. Don't be afraid to share some of the simple concept here -- you don't have to tell him where they are from, just say you have been doing some reading and one of the books that really made sense to you said . . . Also, you need to help him understand that you know you can forgive him -- perhaps bring up the books again and tell him that you honestly belive the information because it is dead on target with what has been happening in your life. To convince him, perhaps you could share some thoughts about what the books say about what he has been going through. This helped my H to realize that I was not just saying these things to placate him -- get him back and then later make him pay -- but that I honestly had given this a great deal of though and I honestly understood what he was going through and was empathetic with him. One other thing that helped convince my H I really meant it was when I talked about the pain I knew he must have been going through and was still going through. That there was no way for us to decide who had caused the other more pain and that was a pointless exercise anyway. That, for him, my neglect of him probably caused him more pain than he had caused me. (I know that seems strange to you right now, but when you H really emerges from the fog and starts to share with you and shows you the pain he felt during the A and now feels after the A, you will realize that perhaps he has hurt himself even more than he has hurt you. Trust me on this one.)<p>Sorry for the long post. If I were you I would give the communication thing a shot. Perhaps call him and ask to meet him somewhere to talk. The one important thing I remember about the Plan A is that one of the things it does before you go to Plan B, is to leave an impression with your H of how wonderful you are before you stop contact with him. That way when he is with the OW in reality and she is LBing, he will remember how wonderful you were and will be thinking of you. Don't go to Plan B until you can honestly say to yourself that you have created this impression with him.<p>As always, all of this is MHO. Good luck. Check out the Seahorse thread. I posted some similar thoughts to her. Also, my H posted to her -- he sometimes comes here and he really is very inspiratonal. I never would have thought we would be where we are today after D-day (don't get discouraged by the quick amount of time since we are in recovery -- my H had on-line EA only, never met in person, and was of short duration -- although I don't think it hurts any less, I think the recovery was quicker once he was out of the fog).<p>Good luck.<p>FHO

Hi FHO,<p> Thank you soo much. I am trying to compose an e-mail to my H now. A combined plan A and R letter using what you have bestowed upon me, as well as others insights. At least it will allow me to carefully choose my words and not LB. When I am with my H I am not as eloquent as I would like to be and often forget to say what I had intended to say.<p> Thanks again for your help.
The longer the post the better. I'm soo guilty of long posts.
Forgiver

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Forgiver:
<strong>Redhat- You help me by saying how strong I am but it scares me to hear you say you think I have done all I can. I get the feeling you might think my case is hopeless? You know how I analyze too much. I am afraid. Should I e-mail him? Send a plan A letter. What about if i got in the car and went to his parents house and asked to talk? I hear you saying let him come to you. but if he is this amazing coward, he will not come. He still has not told me or anyone he wants a divorce. Just keeps saying he loves me but he does not have the strong feelings for me anymore. He says he's sonfused. Butt perhaps him saying he is confused is a lie as well. Perhaps he just can not come out and express what he really wants to say. I will call Jen for some help.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>I do not think your case is hopeless at all, I think you might be able to save your M w/o going to plan B, just my oppinion. What I meant by you have done ... you have shown the changes to your H, you have given him space and so on, you have made your H confused. It is all good, but you need to write plan A letter, give it to him in person and if he want to read it in front of you it is better. You need to clarify what you are doing to H and no demand on him ... then let him think on his own. At some point you have to do what best for you, not H not your M. I want you to think a bit on evaluating your situation, even right now, if you want to end this, you have done more than any WH could ask for.<p>Be patience, proceed w/ cautious. Your letter A basically tries to compete w/ OW's email.<p>-RH-

Hi Forgiver, Good luck with the plan A letter. I gave two to H. One at the beginning and one before he went to Thailand. I got no response from him about either,but I guess its about letting them know and that we don't expect anything in return. <p>I know this is so hard for you, I am finding today especially difficult and have LB'd a bit. Sometimes I just want to scream!!!! [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] Try to hang it out a bit longer. I'm thinking that him moving back into your house was a huge thing for both of you after whats happened and after being apart for that time. I imagine that he is grieving the loss of his relationship with her. Sorry, I know you don't want to hear it - I don't want to hear it either. <p>I think she is probably trying your plan A since he told her all the stuff you did and he was impressed, but as I said before, she's not you, she can never be you. You are so creative, eventually you'll out do her and she won't know what to do. <p>I think what Redhat meant was your plan A was so fantastic there's nothing left to do, not that there isn't any hope. Its up to him now, its his choice. Hopefully your plan A letter will help him to see reality!!!<p>Bestwishes

Forgiver, <p>IMHO, right now no matter what you say may not be taken well. Know this and it will help you limit your contact with your H. <p>Right now it is sooo important that you know what your boundaries are. Set them and notify him in as nice a way as possible. He wants to keep contact with the OW because that is the lifestyle that he has allowed himself to become accustomed to. <p>He appears to be in withdrawal but the OW is not in withdrawal, she is in the agressive mode and in his confused state he sees her as a comfortable spot. You are not the comfortable spot right now. <p>There is nothing you can do to change that fact. So instead of being his uncomfortable spot you can just be his 'no spot'. Leave him at his mom's and let them deal with his OW. If they want to allow contact with the OW in their home that is their issue. Let them know that you are not going to allow him home and have contact with the OW from YOUR home. Maybe they will get the message and if he has to get his OW fix by sneaking off to pay phones or somewhere else, even going back, then you will know that he would have done that to U anyway and this is a false recovery. If so, you will not have wasted more time and effort. <p>False recoveries do happen more often than not so do't kick yourself. He said there was to be no more contact and he lied. If so, then send him away until he can learn to treat you with respect. The one thing he and the OW do not do is treat themselves with respect because U are always in their way. Good. <p>Again, this is just my opinion. You don't have to pay attention if your situation is not this bad or you just don't want to hear it. <p>You did a good plan A but the reception on the other side counts 50% no matter how good you are. So don't beat yourself up and try to analyze where things went wrong. You are already past that point. <p>L.

Hello All!
Happy Mother's Day to all you wonderful Moms!<p> Welp! I just got a heads up phone call that my H is coming home tomorrow to tell me that it is over. I was told he is so screwed up in the head that there is nothing any professional or non-professional can do right now. I was told he was coming to tell me it was over and say all kinds of horrible things that were not true. I was told to be strong and not listen to what he has to say. I should in return say something along the lines " If that is what you want then go ahead and file. I have done everything possible to save this marriage and given you every possible opportunity to ammend the situation. I do not need to put up with your bullsh** any longer. I am not losing you. I am losing a liar and a cheat and someone who can not communicate. Someone with very serious issues with dealing with conflict and solving problems. I am not losing you, you lost me a long time ago. I was trying to demonstrate what a mature committed person does when a conflkict arises in a marriage. Throwing in the towel without trying to work it out is not being reasonable, mature or committed. You go and file. I've alreay done everything I have to."
Should i have his stuff packed when he gets here? He will probably come while I am at work to get his stuff and then tell me when I get home. <p> I know this is not the end. It is just the thickest fog ever. I have to let him say what he has to say, be strong and not cry.
Please help me prepare. I wrote a plan A letter last night that I will have on the table when he gets here. He is going back to St. Kitts next week. As far as I know he was not let back in. So he will be going back to her with no money in his accout and will have to live off her for the semseter. This should be a good sign for her that when she has a problem with him, he will not address it and walk away from her too.
Help guys! This is gonna be a tough one!!
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver. I'm new to the "Just found Out" boards. It's only been a week since D-day for me. I'm so sorry to hear things aren't going well for you today. It makes you wonder how much more you can deal with. I have to tell you though that I read your whole thread yesterday and you are a real inspiration to me. You have really made the best of a very bad situation. It gave me hope that this helpless, awful, feel like you cant survive another day feeling will go away eventually. And I need it to go away soon! My kids need me to be strong for them, and for myself. I will keep you in my thoughts today and hope things won't be too bad for you.<p>LR

((((Forgiver))))<p>Noooooooo! I hate this, its not fair. <p>Forgiver, I think you are coping very well, its going to be hard not to cry but do your best. Don't get worked up. Who told you this, you don't know what will happen until he's there. DON'T pack his bags or aid him to leave, if he wants to go, if he wants to file for divorce, make HIM do all the work.<p>This is crazy fog, its good you can see that, and its right, he may be going back to her, but LB's will happen and he'll be right back to you, keep it safe for him.<p>Maybe you could try the tack that "well, if thats what you need to do, I support you, just know that I am willing to do what it takes to change and work on our marriage". Forgiver, I've pasted one of the plan A letters I sent for you to look at as I said I didn't get any response so I don't know. I based it on a letter WAT sent and he helped me edit it-I hope you don't mind Dave?<p>Dear WS, <p>I have told you before that I love you, and would like the chance to work on
our marriage. You are worried that things will go back to how they were
before-I don't want that either. You said you had noticed positive changes
in me, and with your help, I am willing to make other changes that will make
me a better, stronger person and make our marriage a happy, safe and fun
place to be, if and when you are ready for it.

I will avoid making the mistakes that hurt you, and we can make a life where
both of us are happy. It won't be quick or easy, but it will be worth it, I
can promise you that. Choosing not to try would an easy way out, but it
leaves problems unsolved and creates more difficult ones. <p>Our marriage can be better, we are a great team - you know that! <p>I know that I didn't pay proper attention to your needs, that you felt I had
put you second to my problems, that you were worn out trying to fix them for
me. I have addressed these issues with a counsellor; I work on them every
day. You felt I was taking over your life, but now I'm making one of my own.
By rejecting you sexually, your way of expressing love, I rejected your
love. I didn't understand that, but I do now. I am ready to accept your love
in the way that you give it; you've noticed that too, of that I'm sure! <p>Whatever happens between us, I am committed to making myself a person both
of us can respect, be proud of and love. You could make me very happy,
Marcus, and I am here for the long haul, no quitting! I want you very much. <p>I accept that I contributed to an environment that lead you to seek another
for emotional support and I know you are still in contact with that person,
which makes working on our marriage impossible. <p>I know this is very hard for you, and you find it very difficult to express
your feelings. You can be assured that you can come to me in safety, even if
you are not sure what you want. When you're ready to talk, I'll be here to
listen. You said you are hurting and that you have been depressed. I am the
best person to support you in making changes so you can be happy. Only you
can choose to let me be that person.<p>I hope you have a wonderful holiday. I wish I could enjoy it with you, but
understand that you need this time for yourself and support you in that
decision. My one wish is that you had chosen a different destination.<p>I love you very much.<p>SH<p>Can you pack it in a bag for him to find over there? I don't know what else to say, you've have done so well, this guy is a freakin' idiot.

Dear Fogiver,<p>Not sure if this is going to reach you too late or not but here goes. <p>Warnings were sent to you, pay heed to them. They saw what you already knew was in the making. His come back was a false start. It could have been a good one but in reality it was not for him not yet. You have not idea what plans or promises the OW is making so let him trip and fall on his own. <p>Plan B here is not the key not plan A. You already proved you can handle your part of a good plan A but the plan will not mature unless he actively participates properly. When he chooses not to as he seems to be doing, then plan B is the next viable option. <p>If you are strong enough to say, well you are on your own and to make him file, then do so. He knows where you stand but he is keeping you in the dark and if you do appreciate that, tell him so. <p>I am sorry he is being so disrespectful to you. You do not deserve that. Something is a brewin down there, you have not been given enough clues to know how to thwart it so work with what you know. <p>When he spews those 'ugly' words let him know that when he is willing to speak truth and you can, you will make the time to listen. Until them his hurtful lies will need to go back to where they originated. Then leave it. He will need to know where those lies originated. <p>Do not explain or defend yourself. He will not listen just stand your ground about HOW you will allow him to speak to you. <p>This is rough, I know. You can survive it. <p>Take care,
L.

Hello Seahorse, Redhat, Confused&Scared, FormerHopelessOne, Orchid,Lit'l Red and all others,

I am preparing myself for tomorrow. I will repeat my mantra, "Listen and say nothing, say nothing, say nothing, say nothing." All while he says what he has to say. I will listen and not defend or justify what he is saying. I will not give him any ammunition to use against me. I will be calm and pray over and over in my mind that God gives me the strength to withstand what will spew forth from his foggy mind. <p> My Sil called to say my H was at her house until 2 am in thursday and until 12 on friday. She said he is scared and confused and can not believe that I will forgive him for this and I will not throw it back in his face.<p> As far as not believeing I will forgive him.... I can not forgive as long as he continues to have the A. I can not forgive him untl he forgives himself. I can forgive him when he ends the A and asks for forgiveness after he demonstrates he is sincerely sorry for what he has done through his actions. Can I tell him this? <p> I do not plan on throwing this back in his face. Three couples in his family have gone through an A and recovered. I do not see tham throwing it back at each other. They seem to have very happy M. I never knew they had A's until this happened and it was disclosed to me. I know if he gives us a chance to work this out I would have no reason to throw this in his face because it would be resolved through time and discussion and hard work. The only way I would throw it back in his face is if after a very long time he did not address the elephant in the room. He had to be willing to talk about this. He has not been willing up to this point. Can I tell him this?<p>His sister told me he said he is coming home and wants to work it out over the next two weeks. then he will go back home to Mom. I believe this is his way of saying he tried. This is not going to resolve itself in two weeks. She asked him if he was going to come home and tell me it was over and then fly back to her on Tuesday. He said no. Lie detector anyone? He was coming home to work it out. He said he tried the first week he was home but he didn't fell anything towards me. Well, DUH! He would not talk. I did not bring it up and after what he has done OF COURSE we were both going to be uncomfortable!! he felt after that first week there was notheing left to do. This is not magically going to heal this is going to take a long time!<p> My SIL said my H said that when he left me to go to school he thought we had a great relationship, that it was normal and nothing was wrong. It was only after meeting OW that he found it so easy to talk to her about anything. He did not feel that way with me. No SH**! Tell me more. He could easily impress her with all his stories because it was the first time she was hearing them. My H is VERY charasmatic so people are usually very taken by him when they meet him. His ego went through the roof while he was there because everyone was fawning over him. When I went there for the summer I was told several people had a crush on him, but then they found out he was married. That didn't stop OW! I always made it a point to fill my H need for admiration because i learned that from Mars and Venus books. I would ask him to teach me about stuff I already knew about jsut to make him feel special and admired. But other times he actually taught me about other interesting topics.
My SIL said if he come s and says it is over, do not accept that from him. Tell him he owes it to me to give us a chance and to see how I have changed. Can't I just let him go and tell him it was too soon to come home? She said to make sure we talk and talk and talk. That is the only way we will get to the bottom of this and that was a big need the OW was filling. But what they talk about and what we have to talk about are on two totally different planets!
I feel he is coming home for show. He says two weeks (why the time frame, he has until September)but I think he will be out of here sooner. Anyone want to place a bet on this one? He is going to say what he has to say. THere will not be a magical fairy wand to fix it so then he will say "I tried, I'm outta here."
Any more words of advice would be greatly appreciated!!!
Forgiver

Forgiver, I don't think you can tell him right now that he owes you anything. You know he does and so does everyone else but while he's so 'foggy' it will just shut his ears to anything you say. <p>Orchid had good advice. He's being disrespectful, you have to firmly, but kindly let him know what your boundaries are-be assertive, what have you got to loose other than your self-respect.<p>Forgiver, when H went to Bangkok it was really tough and I thought it would be the end of my marriage-I thought that once she had him there it would be the end. I don't know the details of what happened over there or if I ever will, but I know OW has less grip at the moment. Something happened, but I had to let him go. By doing that I respected his wishes, because no matter what we do, in the end its their life and their decision. Because I let go and lived my own little fantasy in Cairns I didn't think so much about it. I used your advice and lived for me.<p>Just know that OW will stuff up eventually because even if he does go back, she will always wonder when he will leave again and LB. Just let that work for you, you don't have to do anything else, you can't do anything else. <p>Allow the A to die its own painful death, if it does you may then truly have your H back.<p>I'm praying more than ever for you. We all are.

One more thing,<p> I ordered a bunch more books from Amazon, Love Must Be Tough, Torn Assunder, After the Affair, Private Lies, How One OF You Can Bring the TWo of YOu Together, When the One You Love Wants to Leave, Getting the Love You Want, Communication Miracles For Couples.
AHs anyone read any of these and can give insight to what some advice from them would be?<p> As of right now, my understanding is that my H is in a deep fog with the intentions of returning to Ow after making an appearance at our house under the guise of working it out. I am not suppossed to believe what his has to say because the alien is in control. I am not to defend myself but just let him say what he has to stay and reiterate that I love him and I want to work on our M but until he ends the A we can not continue. I am pretty much not suppossed to say very much but ecpect that he be respectful towards me and if he is not I should ask him to take his ugly lies back from whence they came. When he is ready to work on our M I am willing to listen. If he wants a D, he should go file.
Am I getting this right guys? Fill me in. Remind me why i am doing this or how?
Forgiver

Fogiver,<p>I am so sorry that your H is in the deep fog. I am trying to prepared you for this but I thought you do not need to do this until 3.5 months later.<p>Let him read your plan A letter this is more crucial than ever, I would even send a copy to OW !. Make her think if H could do such a thing to you what make he think that H won't do that to her ?. The letter just to put a closure on what you try to tell H in writing, not to get H back or anything.<p>When you talk with H ... listen to Orchid, this is the boundry that you and only you could set !. You are very strong woman and has given your best shot. This is a triage time for you, do what best for you . I had come to that point when my wife filed Dv. I would not even let her cancel it if she will turn around before the final hearing unless SH could convinced me that it is ok. Do what best for you, financially, legally and mentally. Remember also no LB !, keep your cool, let H knows your boundry ... let the good by be a good one before you go to plan B. Meaning, you tell him your boundry w/o LB and leave it right there. If H decide not to Dv before he leaves ... hand him the plan B letter when he board that plane next week.<p>Keep us updated -RH-<p>[ May 12, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Haven't got time to read last nights posts. I have a quick question:<p> Can I tell my H that we can not begin to repair our M while the A continues? Am I allowed to flat out say that? I think he'll say OK and walk out. Easy for him. Thanks

Forgiver,<p>Here is my opinion -- I think you really need to talk to your H. Explain things in a non-LBing way. Be positive, calm and caring. Tell him you know you can work this out and know that you can forgive him -- this is because you love him and know that we all make mistakes. If he can forgive you for the things that you did to contribute to you M being in this state, then you can forgive him for the things he has done. <p>I really think you H is completely confused and doesn't know what he is saying -- don't believe anything you hear -- he probably keeps telling different people different things because he doesn't know what the heck is wrong with him. After each D-day, my H wanted to leave -- the first 2 I begged him to stay and work on our M. I said that I deserved this. He said he didn't know if he loved me. The last D-day, he was packing his bags to leave -- I told him that I did want to stay married to him -- that I loved him and wanted to be with him. He just told me he didn't love me. Right before he left, I reiterated that I did love him and if he changed his mind about truly wanting to work on our M that I would be here for him. He left. He then called about 5 hours later and said he did love me and want to work on our marriage (I, of course, was completely confused.) Anyway, he did move home a few days later and we began to work on things together -- it was very hard, I know he wanted to run a few times. <p>Anyway, my point is that I don't think they know what they want. FOG = CONFUSION One of the reasons your H probably wants to go back to the OW is because this is the easy way out. He won't have to face any consequences. If he comes back to you, he has a long hard road in front of him -- you both do. You need to make him feel as comfortable with you as possible -- which isn't easy. You do need to communicate with him, so he can have some understanding of what you are saying -- most people cannot see how someone can be forgiving of infidelity. You H probably just can't fathom this idea. Remember that he does not know any of the MB concepts, so try to explain why you know you can forgive him, okay?<p>Keep posting, we are all praying for both of you.<p>FHO

Forgiver,<p>Yes, this is the one that you have to talk to H, your boundry ... to in threatening manner or judgemental but just explain to H that continues A will eating up your love for him. If H choose to walk out it is his looses. As FHO replay to you, you have to give him a way to come home, "safe environment" for him. Your plan A letter should show that. When you meet him face to face, you should tell him your feeling and your boundry ... if you settle for less it will hinder your recovery down the road..<p>I will pray and biting my nail 'till you post again. -RH-<p>[ May 13, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Forgiver, I'm praying so hard for you. I hope you are OK.