Forgiver,

You should be honest with your MIL. Let her know your feeling that you don't want WH no more. You have gave him your best. About turning against you ... let her decide, don't mislead her. No LB though ... also start with if MIL is in your situation, would she wait ?. The sooner the better ... one scenario is that MIL told WH that you will wait forever.

Be truthfull and stay within your boundry. You know if you Dv your H you have to stay clear from MIL anyway. Your MIL is protecting the interest of your WH. At this point you have to relay on your own to protect what is best for you.

-RH-

I knew Redhat would come in with good advice! I think what he says is very true. It hurts because you are loosing more people you love, but Forgiver, in the end blood IS thicker than water.

Take care of you.

Hi Forgiver,

I agree with Redhat. If you have made your final decision, you should tell her. If it was me, I would probably send her a simple note.
" I have made the decision to divorce H. I know I told you I would wait, but I can't take it any more. I hope this doesn't cause any bad feelings between us, but I see no hope that he will ever come back, I need to move on."

If she turns on you, well, there is nothing you can do about that. Don't worry about things out of your control. You can just cut off contact.

You, and many others think she will turn on you and take his side. She may, but there is no reason for you to assume the worst right away. I don't think you should just cut her off - unless she does turn on you. You may get valueable information just by keeping contact. You may want to wait until you have actually filed to tell her, unless you want the contact and phone calls to quit.

I am glad you are doing well, but you will still have lots of downs. It's going to be hard for another 9 months to a year. We wish we could make it better now, but you just have to live it.

Thanks for letting us get to know you a little bit, I feel I am a better person for seeing your strength and how you have been able to cope.

I still pray for you, that you will be OK. I still believe you will be.

SS

<small>[ August 02, 2002, 09:40 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

Hello Forgiver & Everybody,

Yes, I'm one of those "lurkers". I just have a few things to say to you Forgiver -

"YOU GO GIRL" !!!!!!!

I know it's been a long, hard road that got you to this point in your life. You are a veryyy strong woman and it seems that you get your strength from within. I too felt that my MIL would "disown" me or that I would have to divorce her. But - Since my H "woke up" out of the FOG, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> and we are ONE year into RECOVERY, She has expressed to me that no matter what would have happened, Yes, that is her son, but - I am her daughter and that she loves me as if I were her blood. Whatever happens, if you truly love and respect your MIL, keep in contact with her. She might not be your MIL next year, but she will always be your friend for life.

God Bless you & give you Strength.

Hello Everyone!

I had to dig up my post to stay on the boards!

I just wanted to check in with you and let you know I am doing very well. I took some time tonight to read some posts and see how everyone is doing. Of course I was especially interested in my sister Seahorse's condition. I was sorry to read that Plan B is not working for you. I fear your H's contact may have caused a backlash. But what do I know. I have not heard from my H since he left in May. (except a short i'm sorry e-mail when my horse died.)

Seahorse you can live without him!! I know you have been trying your heart out to save your M and if anyone can do it- it's you! Do what you feel is right. I just hate to hear you are still hurting and crying so. It pains me to know you are still so willing to try and your H will not give you anything in return. Be the strong woman you have become. Try not to let your H bring you down anymore. I know it is hard believe me. But I refuse to let my H creep back into my head and waste any of my precious life to wonder about him or what I can do at this point for him. I have to continue to look out for me. He certainly isn't.

I know something that bothered me with my H is if I die tomorrow everything goes to him and at this point I do not want that to happen. I would rather my siblings have whatever there is and my parents. Also, My h will be away for 2 more years.....impossible for me to save my M. I can never go to that island and he has not shown any desire to save our M. He has so much work to do on himself and I do not think he has it in him to do it. I fear I married the biggest self-centered coward alive!! But he wasn't that way when i married him.. ... I SWEAR!!!

I have to move on. So for me, plan B has worked. My LB is on fumes at this point.

I have been self indulging and spending all my time with friends and family. Going to concerts, parks, museums, reading, rekindling a lot of old friendships that I let go astray unfortunately. It has been nice reconecting with my old college friends. I have enlarged my circle of friends three folds!! Just spending quality time talking about life and what I have learned through all this.

I went to work today and of course I was barraged with questions of how my summer was and how my H is. I lied and said he was fine, he went back and I changed the subject. I confided in 2 close co-workers and asked advice as to what to say to everyone. Their suggestion was to just say what I have been saying but add that we are no longer together and I would rather not talk about it right now. Is that OK? to me I would think rumors would start to fly at that point. I swore the co-workers to secrecy until I could tell the others. Not quite sure how to go about it. But I work with 80 something people and everyone always askes about my H. I am sick of lying and talking about it.

My MIL, FIL, SIL and my H's aunt went down to see him for a week. "To bring the family back together" according to my MIL. They were there for a week and came back on Saturday. I have not told her I was done yet. I was hoping my H would make his intentions clear to her so it would be easier for her to understand me moving on. She believes I will wait- as I told her months ago I would, But by now, I realize it is time for me to move on. I deserve to be treated with more respect. The fact that today is monday and she has been back since Saturday makes me think she got and earful when she went down there.

Whenever she gets any news about or from my H she calls me right away and trys to stretch it anyway she can to make it seem like he is coming back. Being that I have not heard from her makes me think she is at a loss for words. She told me she would call as soon as she got back to tell me everything that went on. So I read her silence as a sign that she does not know what to say or maybe my H turned her against me. I'm sure if he gave her any hope she would have called right away to tell me he was coming around, no call may mean reality is sinking in for her. Don't you guys worry about me. I am not waiting for my MIL to call, I dread it actually. I know my mind is made up. I'm just not sure how to help her through this.

So I just wanted to keep you posted and let you know I am doing very well thnk you. I think of you guys everyday and wonder how you are. Please drop me a line or point me in the direction of your link so I can catch up. That would be you Redhat, Orchid, Still Seeking, WAT, Relate and all other lurkers. I know where to find Seahorse, I practically have her on speed dial. I really hope you are doing well. I will try to check in more often.
Take Care!
Forgiver

My dear Forgiver,

I stopped over to check up on you and here you were with an update. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> While you seem to be getting stronger looks like his family is going into the saving mode like you were earlier.

They will suffer the same consquences like you did but you need to let them work through it. If that doesn't help him help himself then they will learn to let go also. Hard to do but look at where it is leaving him. Without those who really really care for him.

You though, keep moving forward. May your beauty shine throughout your life. Do more for the future and look back less at the bad aspects of your past. You know in reality, we can forget the past only if we reconcile it not ignore it.

take care,
L.

Hi Forgiver,
I see you are doing reasonably well. I was going to say what Orchid said -
You know in reality, we can forget the past only if we reconcile it not ignore it.

But she said it better than I could have. It is very true. It does look like you are dealing with it well.

My father told me once that lifes problems never go away, we just get better at handeling them. I wish you had not needed to get a lifetimes problems in a few months, but admire you ability to cope. When things are hard, remember we are here, and that we care.

I hope things go well with MIL and that you find the right Lawyer. I know there are bad ones, but there are good ones also. Last year we retained a law firm for our (small) company that saved us about $90,000 dollars becaue he knew some things that we did not know about realestate transactions. I hope you get a good one.

I suppose I have no real advice for you today, just wanted to say that we care.

SS

Thank You Still seeking and Orchid!!

You are totally right in that we can not forget our past lest we repeat it. But in living it and learning from it we are better equipped at handling situations in our current and future situations. I know I have learned tons in a short while. My own growth amazes me. I have a completely different perspective on life and I love it completely. Thank you again for your kind words and support.

I told my team at work today my situation. They all were crying. They had no idea and were so in shock and yet supportive. Two out of the four have been burned in a divorce so they were giving good advice as to how to go about this. They suggested i learn from their mistakes. I feels good to get it off my chest and not to have to lie anymore. They were floored at my strenght and ability to perform at work while undergoing such difficulties.

A very STRANGE update..........
I got a phone call last night that the florist has been trying to deliver flowers since Saturday. My in laws left my H on Saturday. So they were delivered today. A dozen yellow roses and two white roses. The card said:

"Forgiver,

For a very special person. My heart is yours forever.

Yours Faithfully"

That's it!! No signature!! I laughed out loud at the FAITHFULLY part. HOLY SH**!! What a fog. I was shocked. I was trying to figure out who else they might be from. I have met several men who I have had to shun their advances and explain I am in no position to be in a relationship right now. So initially I thought it may be from one of them as a thougthful gesture. But when I read the card, no way. "My heart is yours forever?" That is way too forward from someone who promised to back off and wait awhile to give me time and space. I don't think I have met any stalkers lately.

So I am a bit torn because it made me second guess my decision but then I just replayed the past year in my head and I realized where I was. SNAP OUT OF IT!! He still has 2 more years down there and I am not going down there (he said I can't go there anyway). So there is no hope. It is a shame to throw them out but should I? Who would know? No one. Maybe I'll donate them to the church tomorrow. Yeah that is a good idea. I think I will do that. What do you think!?
Forgiver

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Forgiver:
<strong>So I am a bit torn because it made me second guess my decision but then I just replayed the past year in my head and I realized where I was. SNAP OUT OF IT!! He still has 2 more years down there and I am not going down there (he said I can't go there anyway). So there is no hope. It is a shame to throw them out but should I? Who would know? No one. Maybe I'll donate them to the church tomorrow. Yeah that is a good idea. I think I will do that. What do you think!?
</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Keep the flowers they will eventually be thown away anyway ... thay are not alive <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . For now stay put stay where you are at, it is very stable place to be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> . We all know that we did our 50% of the bargain w/ 150% of effort. It is WS's turn to met us half way w/ 100%+interest. The longer the wait the more imposibble the reconciliation is. It is WS's choice ... fog or not fog, WS's could take and shove it.

About MIL & ILs ... stay away from them, it is not your responsibility to help them out. They have to find it themself, the more you do not entertain them the more they focus on your WS.

Take care -RH-

Aw Forgiver, you are my last post before I go to bed.

Keep the flowers and enjoy them for what they are. You deserve them and someone obviously cares a lot.

I was thinking about your 'MIL situation'. I remember you saying that she promised she would never visit them and stay with them in their house, but went against her word on her last trip. See, things change and we can't always keep the promises we made. I hope she remembers this when you tell her about the Dv.

RH -nice to 'see' you again.

btw- you asked for hobby suggestions - all I can think of is bellydancing and whitewater rafting. Or how about singing? You friend who's in Oz could check out penrith white water rafting. Is on the net, but not sure of the url.

<small>[ August 29, 2002, 01:37 AM: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</small>

Perhaps flowers are from H, Perhaps MIL told him to do something nice for you or she would never speak to him again. But really we don't know.

I am glad you told your team at work what is going on, it needed to be done sometime, now you are at peace there.

You still have a lot of hard work and emotional trauma ahead of you, You have cut some of the ties to H but some remain. Don't be supprised if it still hurts sometimes.

I trust more and more that you will not have bad scars from all this. I worry more about Seahorse right now, she is still in such pain.

Well forgiver, have a wonderful day.

SS

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 09:23 AM: Message edited by: still seeking ]</small>

The power of parents. Hm..... maybe or not. Guess you now have some suspense in your life.

You are not the only one with MIL/FIL issues. PI is dealing with the same. Her MIL came from overseas but the WS was still playing games (even introduced the OW to the MIL!) No sure if the MIL knows it is the OW (WS likes to give her phony names - may have even tried to bring the OW to the first child visitation session under an assumed name). But that 1st session was at MY workplace with myself and another friend present so when I asked for identification of the other person, the OW's fako name quickly changed to a guy's name and I met his man friend. LOL!!!

Anyway, not until the FIL showed up with the aunt did things finally start to calm down. Now the WS is speaking a lot nicer to PI even bought her some food (BS is a fitness trainer working and preparing for a modeling type of competition).

Amazing how some parents can influence their wayward children (WC's). How long it will last is unknown but it is possible. Just wanted to share that story with you. Either way, you stay strong, ok?

take care,
L.

Hey Orchid, Still Seeking, Seahorse and Redhat! Thanks for sharing those stories!

The plot thickens......

If you recall someone sent me a dozen yellow roses and two white roses with a card that said

"Forgiver,
To a very special person. My heart is yours forever. Yours Faithfully......."

Now I thought it was my H. But I had the florist trace it and they were from my SIL's HUSBAND!!!!

I always felt he had a thing for me and it made me very uncomfortable to be around him because of this. He paid cash and did not want a reciept. He would not give any info except for his first name. The flowers were ordered in a town near where he works.

I was sooooooo skeeeeeeved and disgusted. I guess he didnt figure on me finding out it was him but now I know and it sickens me. My mom thought he felt sorry for me but I think that message on the card is too strong for someone just trying to cheer me up. And to use the word FAITHFULLY with me is really an annoyance. I couldnt believe it.

I do not want to say anything to my SIL but Im not sure if that is the right thing to do according to MB. I think it would just complicate everything and I do not want to get blamed for breaking up their M and my own. She may turn on me because her H has a thing for me. I never would have guessed it was him. I always thought he thought I didnt like him because i always kept my distance because I was uncomfortable with him.

This is really twisted.

In a way I am glad they are not from my H. Although I couldnt imagine anyone else. But since it wasn't I know he hasnt come out of the fog at all and I can continue on my path. What do you guys think?
Forgiver

<small>[ August 31, 2002, 11:40 PM: Message edited by: Forgiver ]</small>

Forgiver,

All of us could have an A if we do not put our guards up. Stay away from him and do not even engage it nor let him know that you knew. About SIL ... it is up to you but for now ... do nothing. First you don't know if that's the fact or just get you thinking ... what if SIL's H got a call from H since it is hard to send flower from st. kittie ?. Second. You are tyring to keep up w/ your problem, don't rock the boat now or unless you have a definite prove. Stay away from ILs right now ... and let this one goes.

Just to share w/ you ... tonight ... OM is legally Dv from his W. My WW have 50% of the blame for their breaks up. MIL or mom of OM called OM'w and appologized and cried that this was a mistake for OM to do this and that ..... Hey, I warn OM'w blood is thicker than water ... MIL is feeling bad right now and afraid since my WW also took away mama's boy away. However MIL was also lied, helped and promote his son's A. I told OM'w to sit back and listen and no advice and stay away from their afairs. It is between mom & son & future DIL business.

-RH-

I think you should tell your SIL the facts and ask her to tell him to desist. Or he will continue to pursue you.

Hi Forgiver, Maybe you should donate the flowers to the church.

I agree with RH, keep as far away as possible. If he persists then speak to him directly and tell him in no uncertain terms to stay away.

Geez, what a thing to do! Dosen't take long for the vultures to swoop does it? Sorry, I'm as angry as you are. Hasnt' this mad seen what you've been through? Is he now willing to do this to his wife?

How are you other than this?

still with us Forgiver? How ru?

Greetings Everyone!! Hugs to all!!

Sorry I have not been around. My house was struck by lightening and fried my modem so i have not been online until this week.

Things are going very well here. Back at work and getting used to the flow of daily living again. Will begin my kickboxing and personal trainer routine next week. Been busy with friends. Made reconnections with alot of old college buddies and have been spending weekends hiking, kayacking and rock climbing. Still keeping very active and busy. Thinking of what to next, may take a real estate course and a cooking class.
No words from my STBXH only the e-mail in July about my horse dying. no news is good news. I am so much better off without him. The circle of people knowing the truth has gotten larger. I am not ashamed to talk about it. Everyone has been so supportive and only confirm I was too good for him. They try to suggest I get set up with their aquaintences however I told them "Thanks but no thanks, I'm not ready." Besides I am too busy to fit a relationship in my life right now.

I feel really good about myself and know I am OK and I will be OK. I am so much happier. Perhaps a little lonely when I come home to only my dogs but for the most part there is always someone here. People stop by all the time and at all hours. As word travels I have been getting calls from old friends and making connections again. It is really good to talk to old friends and see them as well. I just feel bad for them getting over the shock. It is more awkward for them thatn for me. I never realized how many caring friends I had.

I was hoping to come back and see everyone in thier recovery. But I guess you are all in your own kinds of recovery. I know how hard it is for you guys. I've been there too. But look at me. I feel like I am staring my life over again, and in a sense I am, but I have never been so happy. Once I get this behind me and get a chance to meet someone I will only be happier than I am now which is wonderful. I have been told I am an inspiration to my friends and they admire my courage and strength which makes me feel really good.
I will be back more regularly to check in on you and let you know what antics I am up to.. Any suggestions? I am open to anything.

Seahorse I am glad you are hanging in there I wish you could be happier. But keep going. It will get better. Listen to yourself, you will know what to do. And I am soooooo very sorry to hear about your dog. I know how much he means to you. I know how much my dogs mean to me. But there has been alot of successful treatments out there so do not give up hope. I still think of you and pray for you everyday. Special Hugs to you.
Forgiver

Hi Forgiver. I am sorry that your horse died. What do horses die of? Will you buy another one?

I am sure you are pretty, to have your brother-in-law making a nuisance of himself for you. So I'm sure you will meet someone soon.

- relate

<small>[ October 07, 2002, 09:45 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Forgiver,
It is good to hear from you again. You have come a long way from your beginnings on the forum. I still wish it didn't have to be this way for you but I am glad you are progressing at such a fast pace.

When you come back, please tell us what your personal relationship goals are for the next few years. I think you are going the right direction and that it would be helpful for others to see what you have in mind. I hope you don't mind me asking.

I smile when I think of you now, and I don't worry nearly so much. That has to be good.

SS