Worthatry, I gave him the letter, I know he read it. <p>I checked on him and while he was on his 'getaway' last week, he stayed at a hotel very close to where she lives-I would have to be stupid not to see he's had sex with her, although I desperately want to deny it.<p>I went out last night to a friends house after I found out and stayed there, talked, drank, cried and decided I cannot live with him while she is on the scene-he keeps getting angry with me for just being around, and I can't handle it. When I got home this morning he said he was going away again for a couple of days. I told him that I love him, and will be here for him and that I think it is better if he goes away for an indefinite time to decide what he wants, as I am not helping him with that at the moment, and I'm frightened I'll loose my cool and say something I'll regret - it will only push him away further. I told him I will be here when and if he decides he wants to be with me. <p>In the meantime, I am going to put the house on the market and look for somewhere to live - which is going to be really tough by myself, but I think its what I have to do.<p>This was not an easy decision Worthatry, but it seems the right thing to do, for me at least. I can't work with him while she's there, its eating me up. I'm frightened, I'm so sad, I cry, and I'm hurting, but the alternative just won't work right now. <p>The harding thing I have to do is tell my dad, he's going to be so angry and its not going to help. I don't want him to hate my husband but I know he's going to, because he's hurt me. <p>I'm trying to be strong, but its really hard when your ****scared of the action you've just taken.<p>I really hope there is a god, because I really need it right now.

Seahorse - I feel your pain and please believe me when I say you're not unique - there are many here who can help you.<p>Let's drop back to basics.<p>Have you comminicated to him that you acknowledge that you contributed to creating the environment that led to your current crisis?<p>Have you tried to fix the things you were doing wrong? By this question, I do not mean to imply that you are the cause for all of this - just that you probably had a part in it - maybe even a very small part.
Does he acknowledge that you've recognized your mistakes and are trying to address them? This is a bonus if he does - don't be discouraged if he doesn't.<p>You are correct that the both of you cannot work on your relationship as long as she is in the picture. But, you can work on YOUR part. All you can do at the moment is eradicate your contribution to the root problems. Focus on this. Do not - at this moment - take steps that indicate your acceptance of the continuation of the affair. In other words, I recommend you NOT take steps to sell your home or do any thing else towards the "end" of your marriage. Don't do anything that assists the demise of your relationship. Make him do all the work. This will accomplish two things. One, he'll have to take the initiative to further the end of things between you two, and two, if he actually does this, you'll have no regrets that you contributed to the demise.<p>You are in Plan A. This is very difficult. Tell your Dad that you want to try to save your marriage and to try to understand that you need to attempt this, at least. Ask him not to interfere. Refer to WAT's guidelines: you cannot separate the affairees. To hasten the end of the affair, do not interfere with its natural course. If he interferes, it may have the opposite affect.<p>Please post your story on General Questions II. You'll probably get more responses.<p>WAT

Dear Seahorse,<p>WAT has given you some great advice. Before you DO ANYTHING you need to decide what YOU want. It will be VERY hard, but if you want to rebuild your marriage then it starts with you.<p>You need to work on you and stop focusing on your H. Easier said then done BUT NECESSARY, Hon.<p>I'm so very sorry that you're going thru this. Many have gone before you. There is no excuse for having an A, absolutely nothing can justify having an A. Your H is all the way in the wrong for doing it.<p>Now, what YOU can do is work on yourself. Make changes in yourself that helped cause the environment of discord in the marriage. <p>First thing I would do is get an appt with your doctor for anti-depressants. You have a tough but worthwhile road ahead of you if you decide you are going to fight for your marriage to make it anew. <p>You need to demonstrate to your H that you are strong and will survive regardless of what he does, he is an alien right now. He'll do and say things that will be very bizzare, he may be mean to you, he may blame you, he may act indifferent toward your suffering ... it's all very typical although it is the worse thing anyone could go thru in being a BS. Some people equate it to being worse than death of a spouse. <p>We know all the hurt, anger & anguish you're experiencing. We will help you. Get yourself strong, Seahorse. Please keep posting.<p>Love,
Jo<p>[ February 09, 2002: Message edited by: Resilient ]</p>

Life changing decision...
...when you are in a distraught situation...
...are rarely the right thing to do.<p>Don't move away...<p>If you need some time to make a decision...
...ask your H to move in with a male friend for a week or two... at most two!<p>Get some counseling immediately...
Get to a doctor for anti-depressants... they won't take effect for 4 to 6 weeks... and take that into account!<p>Then realize...
...recovery won't be easy...
...it will take time!<p>You must feel some very strong emotions right now!<p>You must feel the weight of the world is on you...
...and no one can understand your pain!<p>...your pain... sadly to say has been felt by all too many on this forum.<p>Try and follow their advice...
...they reall do know where your at...
...and all we are saying... is to learn from our mistakes... to make the pain lessen in the future.<p>You are loved...
...give us a chance to show you how much.<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Jim/NSR

Dear Seahorse,<p>It sounds like you've just started down this nasty, horrible road that we all here dread. But... it's a road with a happy destination, if you can really embrace the values of MB.<p>I encourage you to read, read, read everything here. Get some of the books in the bookstore. Post away as much as you like too. It's a great place to vent one's frustrations - far better to do it here than when dealing with your WS.<p>Just to illustrate the kind of timeframes to expect, check out my reply in this posting: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/cgi-bin/ultimatebb.cgi?ubb=get_topic&f=37&t=015448<p>As you can see, I've been a Plan A for 5 months now. It's been very, very hard to do. But I do feel like it's done some very important things for me, such as:<p>- Before this came out, I felt that I was over-dependent on my wife. This experience has taught me how to be more independent.<p>- Before my wife and I were married, we were very close, very affectionate, and very much in-love. And I loved that feeling, that atmosphere. But we settled into life, and forgot to meet each other's most important EN. I understand this very well now, and am prepared to make some lovely lady very happy - by being much, much wiser now.<p>So there are benefits to be had - got to make lemonade when handed lemons, I guess!

Thank you all for your support, advice and generally being there. I would be in a seriously bad state had I not found this website. If one good thing has come out of all of this, its that I've found out I have a small handful of good friends who would do anything for me, when actually I thought I had none!<p>I have also found out that I'm strong. I thought I'd be trying to 'off' myself, but I've written a plan for coping, and I'm looking towards the future (neither with happiness or sadness, just looking). My heart is heavy right now, I truly understand what it is to be heartbroken.<p>WAT here are my answers to your questions. Yes I have told him that I am responsible in part for all this, that I have not been so easy to live with and the sex not great-all things I could have changed earlier but didn't. He said he had noticed that I've been trying very hard and that some things have changed(eg being happier when together, not getting stressed about things, having and enjoying sex), but he also said a couple of things I'd done had pissed him off - I'm not perfect, and as you have said, he's a bit of an alien right now. <p>I've made efforts to be happier when he's around, tell him I love him and admire him, have more sex (difficult when he is not here). I'm still learning about the things he wants as I go (when I first found out we both filled out the EN questionnaire and I've been studing his).<p>I am also reading HNHN, and will get SAA soon. <p>For myself, I need more caring from him, and acknowledgement that I am contributing significantly to our lifestyle. I need him to make sex a bit more interesting than it has been. I want to be included more in the things he does. This is if he returns. <p>I have to be more independent and stop living for him. I have often felt that my life's 'on hold' and that I'm meant to be doing something else with my life (workwise, recreation-wise). No wonder I was unhappy. When the pain eases a little, I will search to find what that is.<p>I'll take your advice re not selling the house, as the thought of it is all a bit overwhelming right now, but I think I will get some legal advice and see if I can get a loan on my salary - I don't think I'll mention any of this to him right now, as he's likely to get nasty, and I don't intend to do anything right now. <p>Dad is ok, but I didn't mention the A, I just couldn't, although he did ask. I know its wrong to lie to dad, but right now, I don't think I could handle his reaction. I told him I will be trying to work things out, so hopefully he'll keep out of it.<p>Guys, I'm really concerned about taking antidepressants. I know you recommend them, but they scare me (getting hooked). Yes, I'm very down, yes this is the lowest point in my life, but I have not turned to alcohol or anything like that. I will go to the doc, and I'm going to get some half days off work, but antidepressants...hmm, I don't know? <p>This would have to be the toughest thing that's ever happened to me. I'm scared, I'm sad, confused, my heart hurts, I cry, I sleep, I walk, I'm generally in a daze, I take each minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. <p>I told him that whatever he decides i would still like to be friends with him. He agreed, and I could see tears in his eyes. I think he does love me, he's just not 'in love' right now.<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Seahorse - I don't think you can get "hooked" on anti-depressants. Please see your doc about it. I was in severe depression and the meds worked wonderfully. I am now "cured" and I've been off the meds for quite a while.<p>Have you lost weight or gained weight? Do you have trouble sleeping? Do you have anxiety attacks? If any of these are true, you're a prime candidate for depression and you're just like most of the rest of us here were at some point. The good news is that it's very reversible with the right attention. Sure, you may eventually climb out of it all by yourself with no medication, but if you want to work on your marriage and WHEN your H comes out of the fog, you'll need to be the best Seahorse you can be. You won't if you're also coping with depression.<p>We all understand your needs are not being met by your H right now. Do not press him about this now, but at the same time, don't allow yourself to be a complete doormat. "Doormat" is a common term used here and it's hard to describe how much of one to be or not to be. Suffice to say that you should not be needy and you'll have to continue to make HUGE sacrifices for quite a while. After you read SAA i think you'll have a better understanding of this.<p>If he's filled out the EN questionaire, you're WAY ahead of a lot of others here. Just keep in mind that he may zig zag all over the place, change history, and change his wants and desires - his answers on the questionaire may contradict his actions. So, study it, but don't be surprised if things change.

Regarding being a doormat or not being a doormat...<p>Plan A is about bettering yourself for the good of your relationship. When you do something "nice", think about how it makes you feel after you do it...if you feel positive and glad, then things are fine...but if you feel guilty or angry afterwards, then you've probably just compromised yourself (or in other words, been a "doormat").

Hi Seahorse,
Just checking in to see if you have had a chance to talk to your H and how things are going today. Each day is an opportunity to find some good in the most dire of circumstances. Keep the faith!

I will see the doctor re the anti-depressants, I have to go there about the flu I've caught.<p>H wants to come home tonight, says he's ready. Says he loves me etc, etc. I just feel its too soon, he still has contact with OW. Do I just allow him to come and go like this?<p>Now I see what you mean about being a doormat.

How many times has he done this?<p>This is good - I'd love to have this chance.<p>Unless he's done this several times, let him come. Plan A your butt off. DO NOT be accusatory, *****y, or otherwise nasty. Greet him with open arms and compassion. Especially if he's not sent OW packing, you will need to give, give, give. DO NOT expect anything in return.
Give him safe harbor. Make him feel welcome. Repeat your understanding that you contributed to the environment that made this whole mess possible.<p>Good luck!<p>WAT

Him coming home has not been a great experience, in fact, I think its even worse than when he's gone, you've got what you desperately want right in front of you, but you can't have it, and nearly everything I did or said was somehow wrong.<p>He's run out of money, he needeed a loan as his credit card is full, personally I think that's the only reason he came home. <p>He's says she's gone again, I don't believe it. One minute he says he's going to move out with a (male) friend, the next he's confused and dosen't know what to do. <p>He says I need to loose more weight and I'd be perfect like a supermodel, this really hurt, big time. He says he misses me, he says he dosen't. He says he ****ed in the head, he says he dosen't want me anymore but I will always be a 'special friend'. <p>I am going nuts, I want to hunt this girl down and send pieces of her to different parts of the globe. I hate her for getting what I've been missing out on for sometime. <p>We did have some nice conversations together last night, and we did have some not so nice conversations too. Basically, I think its over, he just dosen't have the guts to say it and is waiting for me to break, well I'm not going to let him off easy! If he dosen't want me anymore he's going to have to say it and initiate.<p>I cried last night, I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. Today I feel like I just want to die.<p>He's coming home again tonight, I'm so frightened I will do the wrong thing, I just want to run away.

Why the big push to go on drugs to deal with tough times. Are they needed sometimes??? YES. Are they supposed to be our fix everytime we go thru depressing and hard times???? NO. This woman sure sounds like she's doing well without the drugs. Antidepressants can be great but they ain't NO cure for dealing with tough times. And while they may not be "addictive" an awful lot of americans use them to get thru life and that's not helpful. People got thru marriage problems and divorce long before these drugs were even around!

Sorry Seahorse to interupt your thread!<p>Hey EmilyLang BonnieBB Girl 2 go back to gloryb everyone know who you are. Who do you think you are fooling!

I apologize for the above outburst, I am not feeling very rational at the moment, add to that the flu.

Seahorse - no need to apologize. What you describe is, sadly, pretty typical of WSs who have not made up their minds.<p>Please don't give up now. Reach for that inner strength and try to look beyond the moment. Expect him to waffle all over the place and give you hope, then jerk it right back. Try to think long term. You can;t react to every current in the river. Be the hero, not the victim.<p>You have your wits about you a LOT more than he does. Play the role - you may know more about his state of mind than he does.<p>You will survive and thrive - take it from a survivor. No, my marriage has not been restored, but my sanity has been. Yours will be, as well.<p>Now for some specific advice: do not react negatively to anything he does. Be your self, listen to him no matter what he says, and disarm him by NOT arguing. If he complains about anything to do with you - like your weight - simply say, "I understand your feelings." DO NOT try to solve the issue or defend yourself. He's looking for reasons to make you unworthy. If you argue or make excuses, that feeds his justifications for his behavior.<p>Another response to, for example, the weight thing could be, "Yes H, I'm not totally satisfied with my appearance right now, either. (if you can honestly say this) This is one of the things I've decided that I need to work on. Can you tell me other things I do that bother you?"<p>Then, if he answers, file his complaints away and think about them. You're in Plan A. You need to know all his complaints so you can decide if they're legit and do something if you need to - we all know that some complaints will be revisionist history and trivial - these you simply remember and keep track of. The more trivial and outlandish the complaints, the more you know he's reaching for excuses.<p>If you resist hearing his complaints, it validates his weak justifications for his choices so far. If you resist, he says to himself, "See, I was right. She has no intention of becoming the woman I need. OW doesn't have these problems." Remember, OW can do very little wrong - for now. You have the advantage, in a sense, that you have a better understanding of the course of a affair and you know the "perfection" will wear off. In the meantime, you become more perfect. Got it? <p>WAT

I really do understand what you are saying and I am doing it. I tell him I love him, I miss him, when he says that his mother's a moron and his father should leave her (which I'm actually thinking he's trying to say this about me) I say 'so you're angry with your mother'. I try to initiate sex but he dosen't want it. <p>I am finding it really difficult to deal with the rejection. <p>He just dosen't love me anymore, he's angry, he hates me and just does not love me anymore. Its torture and I just cannot deal with it. This person is MY LIFE, and I try to imagine myself without him, but I can't. I don't want anyone else, I just want him and I know that very soon he's going to go away. <p>I don't understand, he bought me such beatiful gifts for christmas, he would always say he loved me, now it seems he just hates me, dosen't want to touch me. There just dosen't seem to be anything left. I look in his eyes, and I think I see it. <p>I really am trying not to expect much, but when you have been married to someone for 10 years, they have always loved you and been so close, like friends, like soulmates, how can it just all turn off in two weeks (since D-day)? <p>I have been to the docs and got some anti-depressants, but frankly I'm scared to take them and scared not to take them. <p>I really think dying would be better than living through this, its just too much for me. I feel sick and disappointed when I see him. Its like this huge weight suddenly comes down on my shoulders and I just dread the thought of him coming home and not loving me. <p>Could I have really been such a bad person to deserve this? Could life have really been so awful for him, but he put on an act for the last 10 years. <p>I really do not see how anyone picks up and goes on after this? Can you ever love another person again? I thought that Sunday was the worst day of my life, but they seem to be getting worse and worse.

Seahorse - believe me when I say I've been where you are. Please try hard to not place so much credibility in your H's current actions and words.<p>It helps a lot of BSs in your situation to look at your H as not himself, not rational, and practically in a state of temporary insanity. You are trying to rationally evaluate his behavior. Re-read WAT's Rule #1. We joke about it, but it feels entirely plausible that he's been abducted by aliens and had his brain scrambled before the gave him back. This was the only "explanation" that I could come up with in my situation - as a way to communicate the bizarreness of it all to others. I think you're in exactly this spot - trying to rationally cope with irrational behavior. <p>Please try to distract yourself. DO NOT come across to him as needy and whiney. It will have the opposite affect of what you want.<p>WAT

Hello there Seahorse,<p>Worthatry is very concerned for you. He's called out to some of us "oldtimers" to come an give you a lift. Be asurred of one thing,many of us have been in the exact same spot where you are now and have come full circle to have a marriage that is better than the ones our WS destroyed with their affairs. It's entirely possible. If it happened to me it can happen for someone else too.<p>Your H is exhibiting TYPICAL WS behavior. I used to just cringe at how angry my H was when he was in the midst of his A. Of course he wasn't mad at anyone else but me. That's a good old coping mechanism called PROJECTION. In fantasy land there's just no way one could be responsible for their own misery, it's just got to be that old miserable spouses fault!<p>I'll tell you Seahorse, I felt just like you did. I couldn't live in the same house with my WS knowing he was in love with someone else. I couldn't share the man I married. We separated about a month after d-day. I wasn't mean or nasty. In fact the kids(then 13,8 and 6) and I helped him move. I hadn't been a horrible spouse. In fact I had pretty much Plan A'd my whole marriage. I had just lost sight of my H's rightful place as first in my life and he had slipped into depression due to numerous crises in our lives. In his depression and my withdrawl he was able to tell himself I no longer loved him. He self medicated and made himself feel better with his A. I tried for several years to get him to realize he was depressed but he'd have none of that and just kept saying he wasn't happy. Now he admits he'd been depressed for a number of years and has gone on to advocate for other men he knows who are suffering with that same generalized unhappiness that just never seems to get better. Alas it does feel better when they have an affair, but it doesn't last because an affair isn't real life.<p>I always say that our separation saved our marriage. My H got to find out what it would feel like to be divorced. I was civil and working like crazy in Plan A for ME!!!! To make myself better and stronger no matter what he chose to do. I quickly realized I had no control over his choice but I did have much influence. I worked diligently to show him I could be the woman he originally knew me to be. I was strong on the outside, though I cried at night and felt like a waekling on the inside. He found it very attractive that I was able to manage myself and the kids on my own,and that I was making changes in myself. He got the chance to feel what it would be like without me. He also got the chance to realize that if he didn't want me I would be an attractive option for someone else. Our kids would have none of the "going to daddy's" for the weekends, they didn't want their ives disrupted and he felt it was unfair to force them. That hit him like a ton of bricks.Our 6 yo D was falling apart and always crying for her daddy. He got to see how divorce would affect his kids lives and his relationship with his kids. It's all just the reality that having an affair and leaving a marriage is not what it's cracked up to be. My H was a good man who had made a horrible mistake. In his pain and desperation he had been seduced by a lie. He's human. I prayed and prayed and God gave me the stregnth to see him for the lost, wounded man he really was. It allowed me to remain compassionate towards him aiding my Plan A in our separation. <p>He soon saw that he really did want to stay married for me. He realized this because he was allowed to experience the consequences, the reality of the choice he was making. He realized this because I was able to assure him I would make the changes he desired me to make (still working on that 3 years later). He realized he had a lot to lose when I sucked up my hurt and went about living my life for me and released him to be "happy", whatever he thought that was. He found out life was happier for all of us with an intact marriage and family.<p>You can Plan A in separation. There is no set of hard and fast rules for any marriage recovery. you can do this!. Read Hope for the Separated and Love Must be Tough in addition to the Harley's stuff. Divorcebusting also is a great read. Your old marriage is over but it is possible to build something new and better. Focus on you and let H go. The harder you grab onto a handful of sand the faster it runs through your fingers. An open door makes one not so desperate and angry about getting out. You can do this! Hang in there. Do think about the meds they make this traumatic time in your life much more manageable. They allow you to be more objective and ease the rollercoater ride. You may want to consider asking you doctor to excuse you from work for a bit and take a medical leave of absence.State disability pays for an acute depressive episode. Who wouldn't be depressed at a time like this. It's not weak, it's normal! I did this and it helped me immensely to have to only focus on myself and my kids.All the best to you!

Dear Seahorse,
While I was reading this thread, I felt I would like to tell you that I can completely relate to what you are going through. I read on one of your posts that you thought about maybe to "off yourself". That was how I felt. My D-Day was 11/18/01. I too have been married for 11 years and NEVER once considered it a possibility that my husband would go to another woman to meet his needs. <p>When I found out, it was personally devastating, I cried so hard I would actually sort of howl (embarrassing today!). I had ALWAYS considered myself a strong, capable woman and here I was thinking stuff like this. I couldn't eat, (I lost 20 lbs in one month) I couldn't sleep, I couldn't think AT ALL at work, its amazing they tolerated me. All I could do was sit here and read the stuff on this web site (because reading the books HNHN & SAA was too obvious at work). And, I felt like I was in pain ALL the time -- and I just wondered when and if it would ever end. Thus, "off myself" to make the pain go away.<p>The reason I want to share this with you is because during that time, I felt like there was NO WAY I would ever survive that kind of pain. But so far, I have, and it doesn't hurt nearly as bad today - thanks largely to the course of action recommended by the Harley's books, support of this group & web site, support of my doctor, & friends who support my marriage, and a good individual counselor. It gave me a focus, it makes sense to me, and a positive way to apply myself for my OWN betterment. It completely beats simply "reacting" to the emotions I feel. I feel I am being proactive in my approach.<p>First, I went to my doctor. About the antidepressents I want to say that I was worried about social stigma and addiction also. (Its funny now, when I think about it, how I focused on that when I was also considering "offing myself".)<p>For me I realized that I had many of the symptoms of clinical depression caused by the situation I was in - not that I was crazy. A very small dose 10-20 mg/day of Prozac I found to be helpful. It did not give me a "high", nor is it addictive. In fact, I can't really say I "feel" anything from the effects of the drugs, but I AM able to better cope with the feelings/emotions which are still strong. My thinking is a little clearer and I am able to focus. I can not only see what's coming at me through the "foggy thinking", but I can find the strength to apply a course of action. Sort of like seeing a roaring train coming at me, and I can decide and physically move OFF the railroad tracks, rather than stand there frightened and letting it run over me - if that makes sense. It does to me. The Prozac treatment, as explained by my doctor, is supposed to be only temporary - 6 months or so - to allow the brain chemicals time to adjust to what was a sudden and traumatic stress situation.<p>Second, I found a personal counselor who is unbiased and with whom I felt comfortable. (She was the one who gave me the train analogy) This was not easy. I went through a couple counselors before I found a great lady who is very helpful and we work well together. <p>Again - I would recommend seeking out recommendations. I was too embarrassed to do this, and kept finding people on my own who did not click well with me. After I started asking people for recommendations, I found the one I have now. (Remember, I am a strong, independent woman and I should NEVER need this kind of help - that's why it was hard to ask). Now that I have, I can't tell you what a relief and a help it has been. She is supportive of my marriage, and of the Harley's approach to restoring love to a marriage. She is unbiased, and therefore nonjudgemental. Great to have!<p>Third, one of the Harley's recommendations is to surround yourself with people who are supportive of your marriage, and your work to restore it. I understand your reluctance to tell your dad. In my case, I told some family members and they reacted very defensively I'm sure what they viewed to be on on my behalf, encouraging me to "get rid of the bum, I knew he was never any good", etc. My mother - momma bear protecting her cub! Anyway, I know she was trying to be helpful - but it was not. If what she was saying was right, why did it hurt so bad? <p>My husband has many good qualities. I KNOW I contributed a lot of negative love busters to the marriage, and was not meeting his emotional needs. In fact,I was so wrapped up in myself - I didn't know or understand anything about such concepts. If I get nothing else out of this, I do know that today I will be in much better shape for future relationships, and can avoid making the same mistakes. Bottom line - I try to surround myself with people and friends who are supportive of my marriage, and try to avoid those that are negative. <p>Basically my counselor feels that most marriages can be saved - UNLESS there is danger of physical abuse. This gives me the strength I need to continue Plan A.<p>Fourth, I read the Harley's books - Surviving the Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs. I also found their Quick Start Audio Tape His Needs, Her Needs to be helpful. It stays in my car all the time. I listen to it when I need help "staying the course" of Plan A.<p>Fifth, I started Plan A. Believe me, one of the hardest things I've ever done! My instinct was telling me to attack my husband, to retaliate for all the horrible hurt I felt. In fact, that had been the typical way I responded to him. Plan A involves avoiding love busters at all costs, and try to meet HIS emotional needs, regardless of how I feel. When the OW is still in the picture, this may be difficult to do.<p>I was worried that I would be perceived as a DOORMAT by others. Thus, it was helpful that I stick with the people who supported my marriage, and who could understand what I was trying to do. And I have actually sometimes felt like a doormat, abused and unappreciated by H since making that decision and implementing it. However, my goal is to improve myself, my reactions, my understanding of him, and demonstrate ability to meet those needs. In addition, I get two additional benefits. One - I get an opportunity to "clean up" my side of the street. Two, if this approach doesn't work, I will have have the benefit if knowing I did my best, and he will have love busted so much that I will no longer be in love with him. Because its the love that I feel for him which causes me to hurt so bad at the idea of the loss - if that makes sense.<p>One of the best revelations I had from my counselor I would like to share with you. After I started to change my reactions, my husband would give me small, subtle comments that he noticed the change, and in fact was surprised because he didn't think things could change. My counselor pointed out that since my behavior was new to H(especially after 10-11 years), that he didn't know how to respond to it, didn't trust it, and kept waiting for "the other shoe to drop". So it's important for me to avoid love busters, and not give him reason to villify me in his mind because I am not being sincere. It has crossed my mind that this would be a lot easier for me if he would just take my word for it that I am committed and sincere. But, I guess actions speak louder than words.<p>So, here I am today. I'm not hurting so bad anymore. After D-Day my husband told me the usual things - "he loved me but wasn't in love with me", that he didn't want to try to work on the marriage. I forced him out of the house and he got an apartment (that was before I found this web site). I should have kept him close to me, and have him make any choices regarding the OW HIS choices, not mine. <p>But, I have seen positive changes since D-Day. Husband claims A is over, he has given me access to all of his previously "secret and private" email accounts, he tells me he loves me, he initiated work on the marriage using MB as a guide, he actually listened to my quick start tape, and filled out the EN questionnaires. All of this represents a big change from where we were on D-Day.<p>Now, he HAS NOT read the books, so is not quite on the same page of understanding as I am of these concepts. He has not written a letter to the OW ending the affair. I still do not trust him, but I feel okay monitoring his activities for my own knowledge (I used to feel like I was being sneaky and wrong. I don't anymore. Its for my benefit so that I can see that train coming). He has not been staying at his apartment at all, even though we continue to pay the rent. I view this as a good thing because it gives me an opportunity to try to meet his needs and demonstrate my commitment. I hope one day in the future I can achieve a trust level of maybe say 50%, then 60%, then continue. And I try to avoid feeling like a doormat, or looking for validation that "I am right" and "he is wrong".<p>In one of Dr. Harley's books, he talks about the need to be right. Unfortunately, a judge will look at our situation and say "congratulations - you are right. You are a victim. Now you are divorced". Would we like to be happily married, or would we like to be considered "right"? Personally, I would like to be happily married, or at least know that I gave it my very best shot. <p>Just one more thought. Today I hope for the best, but I am preparing for the worst and trying not to put blinders on when it comes to the future welfare of my son and I. For example, I did seek legal advice quietly without my husband's knowledge for my benefit. This was so beneficial because it provided me with information I needed to know. Since that time I have not taken any legal action, but I wasn't wasting any more energy WORRYING about what I didn't know, and could focus that energy on Plan A. (And believe me, I need all the energy I can get). Now I know what I need to know about legal issues, I have that information available, and can take appropriate action should that become necessary. I hope it doesn't.

And, I am surviving. Some days better than others, but much better altogether than a few months ago when I wanted to die.<p>Thank you for the opportunity to share this with you. I'm no expert. But this helps me a lot. Take care of yourself. I pray you get the strength, hope and positive experience you need to make it through all of this a this whole and happy person.<p>Big Big Hugs,
Terri