just an update. H still at parents. I'm still feeling sorry for myself. BIL came over - burst into tears (again) [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] - got to stop doing this. BUT
I didn't have a hangover from last night.<p>then I cleaned my house - it smells good (no cigar residue), it looks good- spotless. I cleaned the fish tank, did the washing, sewed up some clothes (the ones currently falling off me), sunbaked for a while, walked, ate (!!) did a weight-lifting routine and filled out an application to get a motorbike license [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>All things that have been neglected to various extents. <p>What brought this on? I have no idea, but I wish I could bottle it and drink it when needed. <p>I feel I am slowly letting go, more and more each day. Realising i cannot demand, only ask. I cannot presume, only ask. if he needs to go - he knows where the door is, its open to him going out or coming in.<p>The Bangkok thing still bugs me - its hard to get the image of him being loving to someone else out of my mind and it eats at me. I found a teddy bear in his golf bag - I don't know who bought it for who, but its sure not for me - I've got enough bears anyway, plus I have a dog which is better.<p>Would still like an answer from last post if anyone has one to offer. I can't wait till I get SAA - shouldn't be long now. Hope it has most of the answers

*

H came home v late from parents (expected this). I was happy to see him and said hi, got gday back-thats it-expected this.<p>He actually touched me during the night which I didn't expect - maybe he was asleep at the time [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] <p>This morning he was nicer to me, so I lap it up when it comes, and try to remember these moments during the less nice times.<p>I had what Oprah calls a 'lightbulb moment' yesterday about letting someone go and if they come back to you then you were meant to be together. It really sunk in at a poignent moment. I don't know why, but it gave me a bit of peace. <p>I even got some study done last night (not much but its better than what it has been - zilch).<p>I've finally been (emotionally) able to read other posts, WAT, you're right, its spooky how the excuses, dialogue and plot of these WS are all the same. You can't do much about the fog either, can you. It just seems to come and go with H. <p>Must go now, at work, shouldn't be on here but I need to be.

{{{{{{{seahorse}}}}}}}}<p> I've been checking in on your posts for awhile but never posted. since you were so kind to give me a boost I decided to return the favor!<p> In some ways i feel like were sisters trapped in the same nightmare. Some parts of our story are similar I'm 30 my H is 31- close to you guys. We have been together for 12 years married for four.<p> My H lost his job and i encouraged him to follow his dream to be a vet. He went to another country and fell in love two weeks after being there because " he missed me and she was so much like me" I don't think so!

D-day was on New year's and it has been 2 months. In a way it all got underway without me knowing a thing b/c we were apart. He still called and e-mailed me. told me how much he loved and missed me etc. then when I found out....( he was home in the States for 2 weeks)... he left and cut communication. Very mature. You got a problem? run away! run very far away to a tropical island where the bank puts money in your account and you get to live out your dream all day without reality knocking you over. We'll see.<p> Befor the A, my H left to go to school- it was hard to be alone. But I got over it. Now to find out he might not come back. I am scared but I look and see I've done fine without him so far. I took on all our responsibilities as a couple so he could go to school. Now he's not coming back? He's the one who will have to adjust when he comes back to the states not me. Where is he going to go if he chooses to stay with her? Not here and his family has disowned him. I guess with her family. Again, we'll see.
I still have hope.<p> From my situation, I give to you... LIVE FOR SEAHORSE!!!! Go out and find yourself. You are in school, that's great. I kept taking classes and went up to 75 credits beyond my masters. Now I am looking to go back for another degree. Take other classes. yoga is awesome. I take it too. Try art classes. Cooking, horseback riding, scuba, tai-chi, get a black belt in karate, take a creative sex class (on line), learn a new language, go running, get your dog involved in agility training or obedience classes, get another dog, get a boat, go fishing, get your pilots liscence, ride a roller coaster over and over, go sky diving,(that gets your mind off things)! I've done most of these and plan on doing the ones i haven't yet (the black belt, sky diving, pilot's liscence).
The main thing is to live for you. Go out and keep busy doing what you like. back off your H. Don't cry or let him know how much he hurt you. There's no use talking to an alien right now. Let him go. But Keep yourself a safe place to come back to. Be nice -but mysterious. He's acting weird. So you can too. Keep him guessing. I always have a smile on my face. Not always a sunshine happy face, more a Mona Lisa. A bit of mischief. People are always wondering what I'm up to. I've done it for years. Very alluring. Be more confident around him. don't rub it in. <p> I told my H (at the advice of Redhat -an old poem I had forgotten. you know it.)
"When you love something set it free, if it comes back to you it was yours. If it doesn't it was never ment to be. Hon, I love you and I am setting you free. I know you need time and so do I. I am willing to work on our marriage when you are ready but for now I am living for myself and changing me for me. You can't change others. So I am working on myself right now. I thank you for the opportunity because these changes I am making are permanent and I like who I am becoming. ( i have a feeling he does not like who he is becoming. guilt, guilt, guilt) I hope ssome day you give me the chance to show you. But for now just know that I love you and I am your friend and I'm here if you need me. I think we've had a great 12 years and if your as willing as I am we can take this experience and use it to make us stronger and better. We will never go back to the way we were and I don't want to-it got us here. Just know that I love you and I'm not willing to give up on something so precious and special as us. But we both have to be ready for that. So we have time."
That was really the only time we addressed the A since then it has been limited contact. Two e-mails and 3 phone calls in 2 months. But like I said. I am living for me and i like who I've become. i can't get a divorce or make any changes until my love bank runs out and for some insane reason it is still on the full side. As long as my love is there I keep going. Plan A all the way. And so should you. Focus on you.<p> I am sorry I went on so long but I can really identify with your story. Being in limbo sucks but know that I'm floating right along side you hon! And I'm here for a limbo hug whenever you need one!
Forgiver

HELP!<p>H rang me at work, he said his father had called him because his brother told him he was moving out, etc, etc and what the f**k had I been telling people.<p>I said that they had pressed me and I told them, that I was very upset. He said I had no business and that I should have told them nothing. <p>I told him that I thought he had told his parents everything (of course he wouldn't tell them about the A- he dosen't want to look like a pr**k).<p>Then I said that I realise that whatever I do right now is the wrong thing and that he is just looking for an excuse to hate me. I reminded him that I love him and committed to working it out with him BUT I'M NOT GOING TO LIE FOR HIM ANYMORE! If people ask I'm going to tell. I told him I haven't told them about the A and won't.<p>He said he hadn't decided to move out, I said I didn't say he was, but that I thought he would have told his parent about it.<p>He seemed to back off then, saying that whatever else I say now just makes it worse, so I should just shut up, so I said I will see you at home.<p>This is not on, he cannot ring me at work and upset me and he's going to get told this - in a nice way. I need to set some boundaries guys -about what is and isn't on. <p>Forgiver, thank you thank you thank you. Thank you for being you. You are truly a wonderful person. You must have so many wonderful experiences. I wish I had your courage and get up and go. I'm working on it, but not quite there yet, still struggling with myself and self esteem and a WS. <p>I feel like I really f**cked up guys. Probably I shouldn't have said anything to BIL. Its too late now, and if H decides he wants to leave because I love him and am so upset that our marriage is dying then so be it. Its him that gave up - not me. I'm soooo angry right now, I feel like ripping up every piece of paper in my office(boss would have a heart attack - thats ok we work near a hospital).<p>PLease, someone who knows what there doing, I need some advice about all this. I feel like I'm way out of my depth. I feel like I'm being disrespected and he was the one who said he is sick of people walking over me. So why I am letting him do it? Shouldn't I be standing up to him about some of this, Orchid, WAT, Redhat, anyone Help!!!!

H came home yesterday (at a reasonable time) and there was no mention of yesterday's little fiasco (he didn't bring it up and I certainly wasn't going to, but I was ready with what I thought in case he did). He actually made me dinner (a toasted sandwich, but I still think this is a good sign!) <p>We chatted about day to day stuff, his new job, watched a bit of TV, his brother came over (gulp!) but no incident, no talk re relationships. Good, all 'no stress'. We were intimate - it was nice.<p>This morning he seemed ok, but while I was dressing, he was sitting on the bed. I took his face in my hand and asked him if he was ok. I looked into his eyes. There was sadness there, I can see that now. I think he is probably quite depressed and dosen't know how to deal with the way he feels right now. I kissed him and said 'chin up'-I realised how much I really do care about him and I am trying forgiving him for his recent actions. The behaviour of the last few weeks is not that of the H I know. Its the Alien software WS V1.1. The only version they've put out from what I've read on this forum!<p>I've been where he has been (as far as depression and anger is concerned) I often wonder if his need to make me happy and inability to has partly led him to this current mess. So, since I've been there (and he was there for me) I must, as a true friend, be there for him. No matter what the outcome of all this bull****, crappy, stinking mess, I must be there for the person I care about. I think he needs me to be patient, caring and there when it all falls apart. I will be. <p>I'll keep reading, I'll keep posting and no doubt there are going to be days when I don't feel like any of it and will be sad myself, but I must focus on what is real and that is my H, myself and love - all this other stuff isn't. <p>I figure that the only way right now I can show him that I love him is (as everyone has been telling me) to let him go, let him live in this fantasy world, let him self destruct but be there when it does - be the hero as WAT said. If I push I add more pressure and I just don't think he can mentally or emotionally handle any more - he's worn out, hence the turn to the fantasy world where the beautiful Thai girl services all your needs, makes you feel special, pays your way for no other reason than she loves you (I still don't like it, but we all have fantasies, unfortunately he has chosen to live his).<p>I am working on forgiving him, and eventually I will try to forgive her too, but that is a long way down the track - I can't say when. <p>I haven't lost sight of myself in all this. I figure if I finish my course and follow this dream, I will be happier. If I follow all my dreams I will be happier. Then I will not fall into depressions and cope better. Then I can give more to others. The times I have alone, when he's not there and I sit with the pain are when I seem to see this the most. I have to be my own person now. I have to stop being what everyone else wants.<p>Anyway these are my current thoughts. I have read a couple of posts that WS's have written and it helped me get here. I read the notable post by (can't remember who) but it was about her plan A - she did so well, and I'm going to keep reading to keep on track. I review what everyone in this thread has said to me and each time a little more get past the pain and shock.<p>I am reading all I can now. I can take it in now. Thank you all for being patient and hanging in there with me. <p>Seahorse [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Seahorse,<p>You did good ... you set the boundry on "I'M NOT GOING TO LIE FOR HIM ANYMORE!" ... WS will lies, deceives, manipulates and do anything under the sun to serve one thing ... A or selfishness.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>This morning he seemed ok, but while I was dressing, he was sitting on the bed. I took his face in my hand and asked him if he was ok. I looked into his eyes. There was sadness there, I can see that now. I think he is probably quite depressed and dosen't know how to deal with the way he feels right now.</strong><hr></blockquote>
Your plan A is working ... making him confused. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>You are doing great ... you are start settling now. Hang in there and vent in here [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Thanks Redhat, I really needed that encouragement. Me being "normal" and letting go has really difused some tension, so maybe he is thinking. I imaging that me being in some nice knickers and bra (with my lovely new figure) helped a little too <p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/blush.gif" border="0[/img] (EN - H needs wife to look attractive! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] )<p>Tonight when he got home: He ws nice to me, but, he's going to be in the city for the next few days and nights for his new job, plus then he's going out with mates, etc, so he needs to stay in the city overnight. For the past two days it keeps extending out a day (we'll see if this really happens). I've just said, "yep, makes sense to me darling. Hope you enjoy it, should be great fun, Belgium Beer Bar - great sounds wonderful". He says: "I'll be fine so don't worry about me". I replied "I won't, you're a big boy and can look after yourself". I was not sarcastic, *****y or mean. I was sincere and nice, and very pleased with myself [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Then he went on (a bit later) about how much fun he's going to have, etc, etc. Again I said, should be great, blah blah blah. It was like he was trying to work me up, get a reaction or make me jealous.<p>I think you're right Redhat, he's starting to think. I guess I must be careful here though. I do not want to give him the impression I don't care. <p>One thing that is hard to get out of my brain is the image of him with this girl. Him having special songs about her, buying her gifts and just being 'in love' with her. It bugs me. I feel angry that she has got something I didn't. Is this selfish?<p>BTW - I have not cried for at least 24 hours! I feel great about this. I even managed a few smiles today. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>So now I will have the rest of the week for me. Scarey, got to start planning things. Got to start reading again.

Hi Seahorse - sorry I haven't been around lately, but I haven't forgotten you.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>If H acts like this, like an insane, drugged out alien, does it mean that he is still in contact with OW? I've read some other posts, but can't really work it out. I suspect that he probably is somehow, and I'm in denial "he wouldn't do that to me". </strong><hr></blockquote><p>Odds are he's still in contact, but based on what I've read on this forum, it's not necessarily so. Remember, his bizarre behavior is caused by him - not her. The affair is a symptom - a fever - of the real disease. So, contact or not, your behavior should be the same. Fix your contributions to the mess, demonstrate your improvements, and then find some way to occupy yourself while the affair runs its course. Then he'll need your help to eradicate the real problems - assuming he's willing to fix them.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr><strong>Its really hard guys, one minute I feel like I'm getting on with life, then I'm back down feeling like I've been bad in my last 10 lives so deserved this somehow. Is this normal? Something tells me it probably is. </strong><hr></blockquote><p>You bet it's normal. Many BSs look inwardly and initially get consumed with self doubt - and no wonder. The shock we've been dealt is so horrific that we cannot imagine how our spouses could willingly do this. How could anyone do this? So a normal reaction, in my opinion, is to look inwardly for an explanation - nothing outside of us is making sense so it must be something we've done or something we aren't capable of understanding.<p>Keep hanging in there and don't do anything "silly."<p>WAT<p>[ March 05, 2002: Message edited by: worthatry ]</p>

Thanks for checking in on me WAT. Don't worry, I'm not about to go out and have an affair or anything silly like that. I know it woule screw everything up big time.<p>48 hours and no tears must be a record for the last 5 weeks! I think I'm doing well right now. Plan to go so an Italian festival on the w/e, and check out vespers (these are bikes btw).<p>Last night, when in bed, I chatted with H a lot. He talked a lot (EN - conversation) He got onto the subject of how I look at the moment and then came out with "so you had any offers?"<p>Now i think he meant from men, and I can only read a few things into this. 1.He is still trying to find out if I'm having an affair - guilt on his part. 2.He wants me to move on and hopes I've found someone nice or 3.he's getting a bit worried that I'm going about my life. I like the latter [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Means he may be starting to think.<p>I told him "no,it dosen't matter what others think. I am enjoying how i am right now". It was the truth, and he kept quiet after that-wasn't expecting it I'd say, was probably expecting me to rub his nose in it and say 'yes heaps'. <p>This morning he hugged me in bed in a way he has done for many years. He hasn't done that for a long time. It was nice.<p>no call from him today or tonight and I didn't expect it and am not really worried. I seem to always be on the net or busy anyway.

Seahorse,
I am happy you are getting better [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . You start learning how to be a Venusian too !!! [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] . Yes, you have to be a step ahead of martians. Part of getting on w/ life is withold some information ... make your martians crazy.<p>You have to take care of yourself too. Reward yourself w/ small thing like getting your nail done or go shooping and get a new parfume. In his fog, H doesn't care so you have to take care yourself.<p>RH

Hi everyone. Thanks RH, took your advice and went and bought myself two nice tops. (No I'm not going out and spending all our money, but it does make me feel a little better).<p>NEWSFLASH
While I was doing (above) I got a t/phone call from H (I had left him a message saying that all was fine and that I would talk soon and have a good night, etc). His message said he was fine, etc, and that he would talk soon and I love you. What was that? I replayed message twice to make sure, and it was definitely said. He said it!! I haven't heard it in weeks.<p>I know that I shouldn't get my hopes up yet, as tommorrow he may not feel that way, but I can't help but be a little happy! At the very least he still cares some - there's a shread of hope there! Oh god, I'm so nervous now.<p>Now it is more important than ever to continue with Plan A. It would be so easy to fall back to how everything was pre-A, but it must not happen. Have to demonstrate those changes, right WAT. Now is the time to work harder! It looks like I have a small fragment of his attention. Now I gotta really be me! Bring out the real Seahorse.<p>Plan A, looks like its working. Gotta do more reading, just not right now - I'm at work and I need my job.<p>I still remind myself that this is early days. I am trying to consider how I would be if he was not around, and face that this could still be a possibility. Life has many twists and turns...

Hi Seahorse - I'm glad you got a boost. Proceed with caution, though. You are correct that the next time you talk with him that the Mothership may be back in total control.<p>We don't call this a rollercoaster for nuthin'.<p>Remember to think long term. Even IF he repeats those words today - you can bet a cold VB that he'll say hurtful things plenty more times. It's hard NOT to react to every exchange, but you can't. You'll drive yourself nuts. So, take your boosts when you can, but always remember that you can't draw conclusions on each episode - you have to assimilate the trend.<p>Keep up the good work,
WAT

Hi Seahorse,
Glad to see you are doing better. I'm proud of you for going out and doing things for yourself. Also, for the confidence you emmit when H questions you. It is good that you smile more and have not cried. I told you it would get better. You can be happy with yourself. By doing things for yourself and getting intouch with yourself you give a positive out look that shows. You feel good and others around you see it too.
Keep it going! Remember it is very early and you are already having good days with youurself. keep that positive attitude and you will be amazed at what comes your way!
Forgiver

Hi Again, thanks both of you. I did get a boost, so why do I feel so flat today? Its too soon that's why, and even though he said "I love you" I know that its just all part of the program. I can't honestly say it back to him right now-this is concerning me, shouldn't I feel something towards him? <p>I feel very depleted. Maybe I'm just tired.<p>I love and care for my husband very much, but I realise that the passion has gone from our marriage, and that really hurts. This is something we have to work on, otherwise I cannot commit to life with him. I've realised that life was getting stale and boring. There are so many things I want to do, and they're not big things either, but H was either too tired or not willing to do them. Like going away for fun weekends, acting out fantasies, just stuff like that-the little things that make life interesting. Is it any wonder our sex life was dying, he was so unwilling to try anything adventurous? <p>He stated he hates to see people walking over me, but he was the main offender. He lost respect for me, and I allowed it to happen. I can't live with someone who dosen't respect me.<p>I'm so nervous about him coming home, I'm frightened that everything will be different or even worse, that it will be the same. <p>Why do I feel this way? Again, I guess its normal, part of the ride and the learning experience. I've always hated rollercoasters!<p> [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]

Update: Had a ok weekend. Went to the Italian festival with friends - had a great time, entered a raffle to win a vesper - I hope I win!!<p>Took my mind off "the mess" for a while.<p>Finally received SAA-Thank god!<p>H has been ok with me, just the usual, a few cutting remarks here and there, nothing that dosen't make my resolve stronger! I figure that if he has to search for reasons to not like me, then i must not be too bad at all - especially if the things he comes up with are the bloody worst he's got! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I've been fulfilling EN's (running the house, SF, looking attractive, admiring when possible - although this, I must say, is a little hard at the moment,conversation,honesty, and sometimes affection-when he lets me - I don't push) I presume all this is good, but I only do the one's I want to. I'm not doing anything that I really don't want to anymore. All the time I'm trying to avoid LB, but occasionally one slips in and you don't realise you've done it till, its too late!<p>I've not mentioned the R, the A, the upcoming holiday, or anything related. If he says I'm going out, I say "have a great time". If he says I had a few drinks I say "you're a big boy and can do what you want". <p>He's out at the moment, I don't know what this week holds. I've learnt to expect nothing from life, from him, or myself. Its funny, but life's better like this (releasing control, not expecting anything). <p>I misss doing things with him, like going out for dinner or coffee, going to movies. There's been none of that for nearly 2 months. Its sad, I miss it.<p>Still can't carry on like this.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>I figure that if he has to search for reasons to not like me, then i must not be too bad at all - especially if the things he comes up with are the bloody worst he's got! [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>EXACTLY!!!!<p>Seahorse, you're getting it!!<p>If you can recognize trivial accusations coming from a WS, you've spotted the Mothership. When they're REALLY stretching to scrape up excuses for their decisions, and you recognize it, you're gaining control of yourself.<p>I'm sure all WSs have legitimate gripes - we BSs have faults and made mistakes that contributed to the favorable environment for an affair - and many WSs have valid, serious complaints such as physical abuse or other grossly unacceptible behavior of BSs. <p>But many, if not most, BSs aren't guilty of these serious offenses. WSs in these cases haven't a clue as to how trivial their criticisms of their BSs are. They have to search and rewrite history to come up with rationalizations for their behavior. They HAVE to. The Mothership demands it.<p>Seahorse - keep up the good work.<p>WAT

Thanks for your support WAT.<p>Just here today to vent really. H got under my skin last night with a comment, but I told him it was ridiculous. Its still got to me though. <p>LAter, he talked about me going to the festival and finding an Italian man, I told him that its him. He's the one. He told me no, he isn't the one. That he dosen't want to go back to the ways things were (I admit I tried to control him in the past, I used to get angry because he wouldn't ring to tell me where he was, wanted him to come home). I pointed out that in the last 6 weeks I have not stopped him from doing anything, not criticised when he drank too much, let him go. He admitted he noticed. He was still worried it may go back to how it was. <p>I told him that our marriage can never go back to how it was for both of us. neither of us were happy and that I'm quite happy with the way things are right now because I worry less (yeah, right!). I told him I don't expect ANYTHING and that whatever he decides I will accept. <p>At that point Alien V1.1 kicked in and the stress program ran, so I backed off.<p>In bed he allowed me to hug him (and scratch his back-dosen't mind that at all!)<p>I must say, it made me down this morning, but then I rang him at work and he was nice again, I just need to get back on track and remember not to take all this personally, after all, he's clutching at STUPID EXCUSES and is very confused!<p>Started on SAA this morning, don't think they had the Soulmates type affair, although I guess I'll never be sure. I hope not!<p>I will think about why the comment last night got to me so much, there's obviously something there for me to resolve.<p>In the meantime, back to work and doing what I have to do. Its now only two weeks till my holiday and presumably H moving out with a friend (male). I don't know how I feel about this, won't all the hard work be undone? Everyone here says "keep them close" but I may not have a choice soon as I can't stop him from leaving. This will be a big downer for me, I can see it coming, but haven't wanted to think about it. I'll pray he dosen't leave, and that I can survive if he does.<p>Bye<p>[ March 10, 2002: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</p>

I'm posting here as well GQII as I'm VERY desperate! I've just found condoms in his wallet. I am so upset and right now I'm in tears as I write this. He was in a particularly bad mood when he got home, tried to see what was wrong, snooped and found condoms. - I'm shattered. I didn't think it could hurt this much again but it does. Someone tell me why I'm doing this. Why don't I just kick him out?<p>Is it bait or does he intend to use them? Why is he doing this to me? <p>I asked him if there was anything he wanted to tell me. <p>He's planning on moving out, I asked him if he was planning this while I was on holidays. I said I deserve respect and to be told if something affects me. He said he was still looking but hadn't decided. I asked him if he moved was he planning an open marriage because if he was I need to know. I told him if he was, that I wanted the property settled. I told him I was committed to this marriage and I still love him. He just keeps pushing me away.<p>I'm hurting so bad AGAIN right now, I don't think I can stand it. I hate this I hate life I hate him. I hate myself I hate everything. Why is he doing this to me? I've never done anything so bad that I deserved this bull ****ing ****.<p>I'm getting out of here tonight I had it. I can't do this. He's got all sorts of things - creams for cold sore and stuff like that. What if he gives me his filth?<p>I feel like wrecking the place. so I'm going and will come back when rational. I want to go to my dads, but he's going to ask questions and I don't want to tell him about this. I'll just sleep in the car, hopefully, with gods grace, someone will come along in the night and kill me and I won't have to suffer this bull**** ever again.<p>I was doing so well, I was trying so hard, but this is just too much. Where did the love go? Where's the respect gone? I don't deserve this. I just don't. I deserve better than this.

Seahorse - I replied to your other post on GQII. I recommend you move all your posting to that board to hopefully get more responses.<p>WAT