Seahorse -- I haven't checked my other thread yet today where I usually get your update.

Has your WH responded to your email you sent?

I am thinking of you.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by Seahorse:
<strong>[QUOTE] [b]I just can't live without him</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yes you can, Liz. You can SOAR!!

I will not repeat my lecture to you about antidepressants, but I thought about it.

I remember feeling the same way you do. Set your mind to it and it will get better. I promise.

Dave

You are probably reacting to his email contact. I guess the contact would have the same effect on you trying to plan B as it would have on a WS trying to break with the OP.

Actually I've reacted this way before he contacted me. I really believe I am in plan B for the wrong reason.

WAT maybe I can live without him, but my heart says I don't want to. THe aim here is to get my marriage back. That's why I came to this website and have stuck by it so long. This is the only place that people actually support me in my efforts to save my marriage, I hope that will not change.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I will not repeat my lecture to you about antidepressants, </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Good!

So far plan B is not working for ME, I will keep you updated on what action I decide to take from here.

<small>[ August 26, 2002, 05:49 PM: Message edited by: Seahorse ]</small>

The other options are, ofcourse, the "modified plan B" approach successfully applied by going-crazy in GQII, and the 180 degrees approach applied by lotsva.

{{{{{SEAHORSE}}}}}}

Know that I am always thinking of you and praying for you. I look to you for my strength and guidance. You have inspired me so much to keep going no matter what tomorrow brings. I wish I was as eloquent as the rest and could say the words to put your mind at ease and your soul to rest. But I am at a loss. I was hoping to come here and find you with a new hobby that could inspire me to go out and think of something wild to try to keep my mind off my H and M. Any ideas?

What else have you been up to? How are your precious Dad and dog? Back from Scotland yet?

Thank you for the awesome ideas for down under. I LOVED the pubcrawl on horseback idea. I do not know if my friend got the e-mails or not. By now he is in New Zealand doing who knows what. I think I will be saving for a trip to OZ next summer. I would really like to ....but I have to see what I can do. It looks as though I may have to spring for a lawyer first.

I am doing well on my own in Plan B. Keeping busy and spending lots of time with family and friends. I have not been kickboxing this summer but my active lifestyle has ket my body toned. I will take up the personal trainer and kickboxing come September when I am back in school. I believe my next activity will be to take private dressage lessons. Since my horse died I have not been riding. I was around horses for the first time this weekend (my friend bought a farm). I missed the smells and the activity. It was bittersweet. But it is something I love and I have to get back into it slowly.

I will be checking in more regularly now that I will be back to work and on more of a schedule. The summer flew by. It is time to make plans for the fall. I will kepp you posted of my next move. I believe it will be to break it gently to my MIL of my intentions and then to retain a lawyer. I have three more appointments, making my total of lawyers interviewed 6. So far 2 said I will have to give up the house one said I could keep it. The odds are not good. If I lose my house the anger and revenge may rear it's ugly head and I don't want that to happen. So we will see.
Take Care!
Forgiver

Seahorse -- I know you've been miserable in plan B. If you are going to shift into something else, how do you plan to do it? What do you imagine it will look like? Do you think you can be in contact with him without his hurting you more/causing you to lose love for him?

These are just my questions. I think you are the only one that knows deep in your heart and soul what you are and are not ready for with regard to your WH. I know that I am too afraid to go to plan B. There is still too much love there. I do have to caution you though that it is still very difficult and almost every interaction leaves me with an ache in my heart. It is very hard (as you know) to watch someone you love make such bad choices and basically harm themselves -- and I am referring not just to the A, but the other choices they are making.

Has your WH responded to your last email and what exactly did he say? Is there something that is giving you hope?

Can you tell us more about why you would like to go out of plan B? Did you feel like you were making progress and maybe you cut off ties too soon? Do you feel as if your lovebank is still full enough?

Please let us know what you are thinking. We're here for you and we do support you trying to save your M. I know that the "outside" world can sometimes get you down in this regard. My boss keeps telling me to "move on with my life", "cut my losses", etc. It's difficult to explain to others how and why we believe it's worth trying.

Peace.

Hi Liz,

I wish I could always say the right thing in every case but I don't always get it right. I had better try the best I can.

As we watch what happens to others that journey here with us, we can see that things sometimes work out, sometimes not. I have just come ( I was gone for 5 days) from visiting a friend ( lives far away from me) who has MS. He may soon be in a wheel chair. He doesn't want to be, but he may have no choice if he wants to go anywhere. We don't know how long he will continue to walk, or how long he will live ( MS usually shortens a normal life span.) He is fighting with all the strength he has, but fight, and strength can't stop the deterioration that is going on in his body. I believe he has prolonged his ability to walk, but I don't believe he can keep walking forever by strength of will.

Now, we don't know what will happen with your marriage - yet. We really don't. I know you have a lot of pain, and plan B gives you no feedback on what is happening. I believe what you meant about plan B not working is that you can no longer do anything directly to affect your marriage. In plan A you were also in pain but at least you could see him, try things, and revise the plan and try something else if that did not work. Now you can only wait. You still have all those feelings for him, still want to see him, hold him, talk to him. You are thinking that if you can do those things again, it may make a difference.

I think you should be careful. You are using a tool crafted by someone that is very good at what he does ( DR Harley). I would agree with you that everyone is different, that it may not work for your H. I know you want to go back to something "hands on." Unshureheart asked some very good questions.


1. If you are going to shift into something else, how do you plan to do it?
2. What do you imagine it will look like?
3. Do you think you can be in contact with him without his hurting you more/causing you to lose love for him?
4. Can you tell us more about why you would like to go out of plan B?
5. Did you feel like you were making progress and maybe you cut off ties too soon?
6. Do you feel as if your lovebank is still full enough?

I remind you that plan A does not restore a marriage, neither does plan B. Plan A improves you so that when the A ends you look good to H. Plan B saves your remaining love so that when the A ends you still want to be married and you want to put things back together.

Both plan A and B SOMETIMES cause a spouse to say " wait a minute, I am crazy, I need to go home and make things work." BUT NOT OFTEN. Usually the A just has to end by itself first, and then the spouse comes out of the fog wants to come home.

Liz, I am not sure what you think will happen if you go out of B, except you will feel better.

Please don't get me wrong, I want you to feel better. I am not trying to be hard on you, but I don't know exactly what you are trying to do. From here, it looks like you want more control over what is happening ( as opposed to plan B where you can't do anything.) Thing is, you had no control before. I remember when he left on his trip, you resolved to let him go because " there is nothing I can do anyway.' I think you are still at that point.
He is the one with a problem, he is broken and you can't fix him with will power, he has to want to change.

Please talk to us about what you are feeling, and what you hope to do. I hope you understand that we will try and help no matter what you do. We are not going to cast you adrift. Please remember when you are down and crying, you have lots of friends that know you are the greatest, and that care deeply for you. We stick by you because we care, and believe in you, I hope you know that. I believe if your H knew what we know, he would be there with you right now. I am not sure why the WS's don't seem to get it.

Liz, please let us help. Be careful with your feelings. Don't let them run your life. They are an important part of us, given for our happiness, but please be careful about making decisions based on them. OK?

One more thing - I trust you. I mean, I don't think you would do anything foolish, just wanted to give you some more to think about.
I know it is hard. I recommend prayer before you change anything, I believe you will get help.

SS

Seahorse,

PLAN A is not to get your H back ... it is for you to better yourself.

Plan B is not to get your H back ... it is for you to not get hurt and ready to move on.

By doing plan A the best we can ... we do our 50% part of the bargain.

By doing plan B the best we can ... we wait for our SO the best we can.

Sometime plan A alone will bring WS back out from the fog ...

Sometime plan A and plan B will bring WS back out from the fog ...

When all the above fails ... IT IS UP TO YOU. Pain is given but misery is optional. No one will fault you and no one will judge you if you choose the path of misery ... we will be still here listening and be here for you. I suggest you follow Honey's post ... is that what you want to be ... She is stronger now but she was a mess few months ago. Probably it is what you need to realize and come to aceptance stage in your greiving.

{{{{((((HUG)))}}}}

-RH-

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 02:55 AM: Message edited by: redhat ]</small>

I've not done anything yet, but I just can'treply right now. I've hopefully got a phone appt with Steve tomorrow.

Just a quick update. Got a phone appt with Steve tomorrow and hope to resolve something there. I don't want to reply at work, so I will try to get back on tomorrow night.

Seahorse -- I am so glad you got a phone appointment with Steve. I hope he will be able to provide you with guidance that will work for you. I will be thinking of you and hope you post soon. -- unsure

Seahorse,

Do you think you went into plan B too early for the wrong reasons: maybe to make your husband choose you and not because your LB was depleting? However, you have delivered the letter and made this grand gesture now. If you go back you will loose credibility, at least not without a gesture from him. Still love is a stronger force than the need for credibility, respect or pride. At least this is so for me and I have messed up in the past because of it. If you want to do this, best ask a counselor (SH?) how to handle it the right way.

I understand what you mean by wanting to be friends. The sudden void in one's life is difficult to handle; I'd rather grow apart gradually than face it all at once.

Kind regards,
Relate

HI,
Please - if you could- share with me if you benefit for counseling session.
I feel horrible recently, ripe for rush and stupid moves, which I 'd like to avoid.
I think I need outside help - being it counseling or antideptresants or both.

I know I should not think of those needs as failure but I can't help I do and it ruins the rest of self esteem I have ) "she even cannot deal with the issue on her own".

Would be a huge LB to ask my H if I can share my situation with our mutual friend ( she is miles away and don't think is a risk of direct interference?)
Can't help it but I feel soooo alone
FBOW

Forbetterorforworse,

Where is your thread? I was following you. Then I lost you.

Relate

Seahorse -- I know you are feeling down. I thought I would pass along something funny a friend sent to me when I wasn't having the best day.

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of the flower and jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.

In addition, Husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 7.4, NBA 3.2, and NHL 4.1

Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems but to no avail. What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Try entering the command C:/ I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2

Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5

But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1. Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.wav files. Do NOT install Mother-in-Law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0. It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been to known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the operating system.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and can't learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Single Malt Scotch 4.5 combined with such applications as that old stand-by...Lingerie 6.9 (which has been credited with improved performance of his hardware).

Good Luck,
Tech Support

Dear Relate,
it is under FirstTimeHere Firsttimehere

I did not post much there for a while because I felt like such a clueless wimp always venting.

I have my kids back and I am going to get busy with after school stuff, still cooking dinners from scratch, actually enjoying it though have yet to get an unsolicited comment about it.

FBOW

PS Incidentally since those vents seem to help I probably will continue doing so on my own thread... I guess even though I knew it was a no-no, I did build up my expectations for H coming back. Now I now for sure I should not have.
Keep reminding myself -all I can do Is to change myself, not the course of his relationship, nor him.

Dear Unsureheart,

Great post. Can you post this on GQII? Think many will benefit from the humor.

Seahorse,
I hope your session with Steve helps. I am sure it will. Your anger is quite normal and actually part of the healing process. You have been through a lot this past year. Take a look back and I think you will see and maybe wonder why you weren't like this sooner.

All part of personal recovery.

take care,
L.

Got an appointment soon with Steve. Feeling unsure of everything.

Forgiver - thanks for dropping in. Missed you heaps and think of you a lot. Hope all works out well and I'm really happy that you're happy. What can i say, your H is a goose for letting you go. Dad's MIA in Scotland. noone's heard from him directly. Dog stayed in Australia, just kidding, dog is good - my support and companion.

USH and SS I will reply to you together as your asking me questions. I've thought a lot about them. They were good questions to ask. USH I liked your tech support thing.

1. If you are going to shift into something else, how do you plan to do it?

Simply by replying to his last email. I know my H, if I start chatting he can't resist. Fog or no fog. He loves to chat.

2. What do you imagine it will look like?

This I'm not sure of. I know what I'd like it to look like but I'm not sure it will work out. I'm thinking 'just friends', but I don't know how it will work out

3. Do you think you can be in contact with him without his hurting you more/causing you to lose love for him?

my love bank is draining now. I'm scared I'm falling out of love now.

4. Can you tell us more about why you would like to go out of plan B?

In 13 years of knowing my H we have never missed a day of contact and talking. He is a much my support as I am his. I have not only lost my dear H I've lost my best friend. I just don't want to be out of contact, its hurting too much.

5. Did you feel like you were making progress and maybe you cut off ties too soon?

Yes, I was bitterly disappointed that things were going well, then they just suddenly changed. I know I did all I could, that it was going in circles, but I just keep wondering if I should have kept at it. Its eating away there in the back of my mind. Its really bugging me. What if there was something else I could have done and didn't do it?

6. Do you feel as if your lovebank is still full enough?

I'm not sure

Hi Redhat, haven't seen you for a while about

Relate - I don't know what anymore. I'm confused about all of it really. Everythings falling apart.

fbow - I will certainly share whatever I get from SH. Please try to see a counsellor or a doctor. I personally refuse anti-d's, but know that many here have benefitted from them. It should be up to your doctor as to whether you really need them.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> "she even cannot deal with the issue on her own". </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Does your H say this?

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Would be a huge LB to ask my H if I can share my situation with our mutual friend ( she is miles away and don't think is a risk of direct interference?) </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">fbow - I don't see why you should have to ask your H, unless she is his friend. Can you clarify?

Go easy on yourself

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Take a look back and I think you will see and maybe wonder why you weren't like this sooner. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think I 'defered' it to work on my M. I would not have been able to do what I did otherwise.

Hopefully the way I am is not going to go on for too long. If it does, I may have to take extended leave from work and just get away. I hope the holiday will help me. I will be away from everyone and everything. The people I will be with don't know anything and I can tell them what I want or don't want to. To not think about this for 10 days will be bliss.

Seahorse --

Please let us know after you've had your appointment with Steve H. I am very curious what he tells you to do. I am very happy to be getting away from my situation for a few days this weekend -- I'm meeting my sister and her children at the beach. I cannot wait. They love me unconditionally and I'm usually so busy I don't have time to obsess about WH and my situation.

I know you go to Vanuatu soon. I think that will be a blessing. Maybe you can wait until you get back to make a decision about going out of plan B or not.

Be well. I'll be away for a few days, but thinking of you.