My trip was great. I dived to 47.9M and did a night dive without a torch - pushed myself to the limit as usual. Considering I haven't even done 20 dives yet it was good. I felt sad at times, especially when I would see couples enjoying each other.

The night before I left I found a huge tumour on the dog's neck. It was subsequently diagnosed as a haemangiosarcoma, which is very aggressive. To cut a long story short, I had it removed and finger's crossed the pathology reports will clear him of further growth. I pick him up tomorrow. I was shattered that I nearly lost my dog, the husband can go, but not the dog.

Speaking of which, H is up to his usual tricks. After my return I asked him if there was any chance of reconciliation. He said no and cited my problems with his family. I have now asked him to divorce me, told his parents EVERYTHING and convincing myself that I can do this. I guess this is acceptance. He still plays games saying that while I was away he wanted to ring me up and tell me he loved me. I now babble back telling him not to play games and that I'm glad I found out what he was like before we had kids.

He's carried on the last few days about the dog being his mate, etc, etc and now I get a phone call saying he can't go and see him because he's busy playing golf and he's not sure when he'll be able to see him.

I'm still hoping Steve Harley will contact me to help me for me, but to date he hasn't.

Because of all the above I've not had much of a chance to post, the news of my dog really shook me. I'll be back when I can but things are going to be pretty busy from now on.

Dear Seahorse,

I just popped in to see how things were going and wow, you dove @ night? What was it like?

I am sorry to hear about your dog. I lost my one and only dog due to a large tumor in her brain. She was such a love. I hope all goes well for you doggie.

So the WS is babbling? Well, I am glad to see that you are able to put up your defense mechanism so that he does not distraught you so.

Seahorse, from the time you came til now, I have seen much growth. I am amazed at your stamina. I try to keep up with your thread. It makes me happy to see you go out and be adventurous.

take care,
L.

Hi Orchid, the night dive was awsome. It is difficult to convey what it was like as there are so many thoughts going through your head. The main one for me was not letting go of the guides hand. The next was I'm going to panic, but I reasoned with myself that if I panic in this boat in the dark then I'm going to drown - panic was not an option.

The firelight fish are amazing. They flash green light (biophosphoresence). They swim around and its light being in a movie theatre - very dark with flashes of light on the screen. The only other way I can think to describe it is being in the sky and having green stars around you. It was very surreal and I have to constantly remind myself I was infact diving and not asleep dreaming it.

There are different creatures around at night too. No sharks unfortunately <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> but I did see a turtle! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Just to update you:

My dogs path results weren't good. I have to go on Monday and talk about chemo, which I'm not all that happy about. Its time to face that my doggy may not be around too much longer. Another waiting game like I did with mum. Each day I have with him I savour. I am very kind to him and I enjoy our walks together and I don't when the last will be. He keeps well, this is why its hard to believe whats going on in his body.

H is coming to mow the lawn Saturday (apparently). We talk but its all very confusing. I work at accepting the currently reality.

keep well all. Haven't heard from Forgiver for a while. I'm sure shes out there somewhere!

Happy Belated Birthday, Seahorse,

Sorry to learn about your dog.

Everything in life seems like a waiting game to me now.
FBOW

Hi FBOW, yes the waiting game is difficult. I'm very impatient,always have been, this is my downfall, its something I'm trying to learn. In some wys I have, I am more patient in queues, waiting for the train and in Sydney traffic (mostly), a small improvement, but I think it accounts for something and shows plan A does help in everyday life even if its miniscule.

My doggie is doing well, you wouldn't think he had cancer. He a tough little thing and I hope his body can fight it. I have to take him back to the vet tomorrow, so I will discuss options then.

Hi Seahorse,
that's good that other than tests your dog does not show illness. Hope it will stay this way.

You know, plan A DID make me more patient. I can only test myself on my relationship with kids, and they did confirm I got better (girls 15 and 12). I am also calmer and try not to start complaining or criticising without first listening to explanation - with teenagers it is really tough.

I did calmly inform my H today that it does bother me that he spends hours on transatlantic calls ( time and money). He asked me So? I said "I don't now, just so you know". About two weeks ago when pressed for status (we did not R talk since he came back from long vacation in the beg. of Aug) he said that he came back becuse he felt forced by me, and "nothing changed" meaning he loves her not me, wants to be with her. He's becoming more and more distant with each day, I am glad if he responds to "good morning". He is warm with kids, tells them he loves them. That's why I am reluctant to start plan B.
Well I know you cannot start recovery till the contact is over. So I am still plan A-ing but I am getting ready to let him know as soon as he tells me he goes for another business trip that it his CHOICE, not me forcing him, and to come back only if WANTING to. He's birthday is soon, I have two cards, one exteremely neutral, other really expressing how I feel about him. I think I will give him both, but annotate the second one "open only if you WANT to".
Because he considered my cards given to him before his vacation as "forcing" his return.
Well I do love him, I do hope we can build better and happy marriage, why should I lie and pretend I don't care?
Right now, since he avoids me almost completely, I can only avoid LBing and honestly, once in a while, tell him I care and love, and take care of houshold.
I want to wait with this "yor choice talk" when he'll tell me he is going. Otherwise I'm afraid he would see me as controlling ( I did consider getting him a ticket as a gift). And blame me in the future for that.
So I just pray and hope for stamina and calmness daily. I did become extremely edgy at work and I need to control myself better there.

One day at a time.
Warm thoughts
FBOW

Hi FBOW, Your story is sad. I know that feeling, when they go away and your mind races. I have gone down the path of telling my feelings about the relationship too. The feelings are now that I want the relationship very much but I can see its not going to happen. I don't tell too much though about how much it affects me. Plan A for me is now simply about being a better person. It was to get him back, but it didn't work and I tell myself that is not my fault (I can't control it).

I'm supposed to see him today after I drop my dog at the vets. I'm debating about whether to bother. It just hurts, but I will, I'm practicing not LB'ing and seeing as he can push so many buttons, he's the best person to practice with. I noticed after saturday that there was a LB withdrawal, I can see things about him I didn't see before. So seeing him will also help me to fall out of love. I'll let him know this.

I know he will be back one day. It does hurt, because we're going through all this, I think I know a likely outcome (I could be wrong), and I just think "Can't we circumvent all this". It will be more pain when he does come back, I hope if it happens I won't be out of love.

Hey Seahorse!

(((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

I posted a reply to you on my own post but I wanted to come here directly. I am glad you are still here and you have helped so many people in your wonderful way. You are an inspiration and a foutain of hope for others who have yet to go through their own gauntlets. be strong and carry on with the grace and dignity you have thus far. I really look up to you and hope you know how much of an influence you have been upon me.

I feel a special connection to you and I am sorry I have ben away for so long. (my house was struck by lightening and my computer went down.) You helped me so much through this. I always think "If Seahorse can do it so can I!" I know our paths have turned a bit and our situations are changing but i still feel that connection to you. I see you as having more strength and will to carry one thatn I did. I also see your H as a better man than mine since he at least has the courage to face you. My yellow beellied coward left without a trace. But I know I am better off without him. He was a steppingstone in my life.

I was so sorry to hear about your dog. But he may have lots more time. One of my dogs lived for several years with a terminal illness, and she was quite happy. So have faith and strength. I wish I could give you some. But just know that I look up to you and wish you all the best. I will be in touch.
Forgiver

Seahorse -- Checking in to see how you are doing and how your dog is doing. Thank you so much for responding to my panic/d-day #2 post over in Gen. Questions II.

Did your WH come over? How are you feeling about him? What is the prognosis on your dog?

Hello Forgiver and USH. Thanks for checking up on me.

My doggy is doing well. He had his first chemo today and you wouldn't guess it from looking at him. Ate his dinner no prob - actually he demanded it! He's a tough boy <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'm trying to spend every day as if its the last, so he's getting lots of little treats <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Forgiver, I hope your house is OK,are you able to keep it? I think heaps about you and am so happy that you are doing so well. You are an inspiration to all of us.

I don't know if continued contact with H is so great actually. I wonder if H had run, if it would be easier to move on. Who knows, we all have our stories to live and we can't change it. As you say, you are better off without him and one day he will realise what he has lost, if he dosen't already.

Do you still have contact with the in laws?

I'm still hoping you will come 'down under' one day.

USH I admire your patience with your H. You are such a gentle person and so caring for your H even though he does these things.

Had a few conversations with H this week. On Monday he finally reviewed the LB Questionnaire that I filled out as him. I was fairly close although it was interesting.

I clarified some things with him about housework and finances. He said that he hoped to find somebody who would do the lot without whinging, etc. I wish I could find someone like that too!

I said that I wished I could have made him happy and still believe that we could work things out. He didn't respond. I don't know if he was sad or just not listening.

Today I sent him a picture of me on SCUBA with a giant fan. He said it was awsome and it was now his screensaver. I felt good after that, but I think I sometimes read too much into the little things.

He has offered to mow the lawn again next weekend. I guess I will see him then. I'm thinking of some way to encourage him to call SH without getting too pushy. I was thinking of saying "I feel like I am the only person left who still feels our marriage is worth saving", then I could add "oh, and SH". If H is interested in speaking to him it may spark interest. The other way was to send an email on Monday just reminding him of the contact phone numbers/email for the office, because "maybe I gave you the wrong ones last time".

I know maybe I am reading too much into small things he does (Like the screensaver), but he did do the LB questionnaire and he is still willing to talk about it all. I don't know. I don't know!

I told SH about how H had said he wanted to call me while I was on holidays and tell me he loved me (after a fight with OW). SH said "that dosen't happen by accident".

Anyway I'm just playing things cool. My renewed plan A is going well and I'm really learning about controlling LB's with everyone. Its like I've gained some power within myself over myself. My feelings and reactions are more what I want them to be and not reacting to others.

Well, I swim with the sharks on Sunday. Wish me luck.

Hi Liz - I'm not around here much any more, which may qualify me to observe that your last post was encouraging to me. I'm still confident that you'll reconcile - just not as quickly as you'd like.

I kinda look at it this way: We've watched you grow tremendously and we hope your H has had just a fraction of that experience on his own. This was necessary in abundance before any reconciliation would be fruitful, IMHO.

Please listen to Steve and feel your way to get your H to speak with him. (Hint: when the time is right, arrange an appointment for your H with Steve as Steve's very first in the morning - this way your H won't have to wait as he would when Steve gets bogged down later in the day.)

You are a warm and wonderful woman - and I think your H realizes this.

With much compassion,
Dave

<small>[ October 11, 2002, 06:16 PM: Message edited by: worthatry ]</small>

Hi WAT, I was only just thinking that I hadn't seen you post for ages. I hope that means you are doing well and that you XW is not giving you grief and that your son is well and happy.

Thank you for your lovely words, they were very kind. Do not be too much of a stranger OK?

Hi, Seahorse,

I sort of just lurked recently, feeling numb, tired, and sad.
I pray for you and your plan A. And that your diving brings you some joy. And I still admire your will and zest.

I wish my H honestly faced me and complained where I failed. My strength and endurance is whittling away, b/c I see how everyday contact is worse and worse since he came back. I have no more ideas. I don't know if there is something I continue to do wrong, or is it him missing OW so badly despite their phone/email contact that makes him cold and silent. Is it guilt, but if so why won't he pick one of us for good. Life as it is now must be as bad for him as it is for me.
It is not cake eating as I see it.

He went for another business trip but not to where she lives. I was OK first two days but today I am a wreck. This time he firmly declined my usual driving him to/from the airport.

If he tells me he's heading THERE I am going to ask him to come back home only if really wants to, not because he feels forced by me. And that I love him but current situation is killing me slowly. I also think I will give him my wedding ring then. As a sign it is really choice, not a duty I will enforce. Maybe a plan B letter as well but that I am not sure.

I don't know when he might go there. I know I can manage with kids on my own. I do not know how to tell them when the time comes. I am reading Reviving Ophelia and on one hand it helped me understand some issues of my own adolescence but on the other hand I am so scared that instead of providing them support at home while they grow up, I am adding to the pressures that they face anyway.

FBOW

Hi FBOW, It is nice to see you around again. Please keep posting at MB, you need to vent and there are many people who have been where you've been and can help. I've been ill for a few days so haven't been around - too worn out.

All I can say is keep plan Aing. Try to work on yourself and the issues that are the problem in the marriage. It will make you feel more confident. Focus on your kids. Hang in there.

I've nothing much to update myself really. I've emailed H about talking to SH. I was so nervous doing it. I then called him later as he didn't respond. He had been in meetings so didn't have time. I hope he will contact him.

Good news today. H has agreed to speak to SH. This is giving me a little glimmer of hope when before there was none.

I will make an appointment (as WAT suggested) for 6am next week. I am not getting my hopes up too high, but this is a pretty good step in the right direction, and has put a smile on my face today.

Maybe my patience and the change of tact has worked. Thank God its before its too late and I've changed my mind.

Good things seem to be infectios at MB. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Posting at the site is helpful to *me*. If you don't like my contribution, ignore it.

<small>[ October 17, 2002, 09:52 AM: Message edited by: relate ]</small>

Dear Relate, I am asking you a second time, Could you please refrain from posting to me?

Hi,
It's still too early to tell what it will bring (as you already said)but always a good sign.

Steve's good at what he does, I can't wait to see what happens. Praying for both of you, fingers crossed too. Would cross toes but I would have to take my shoes off, and people at work would complain.

So what did you say to him to get him to agree?

SS

Hi Seahorse,
you are in my thoughts. It is only natural that you are hopeful about the appointment. And you are a good, strong, committed, true and loving person. Let it be seen and appreciated.
FBOW