sucks that he is cheating, but i would like to know why he thinks that he needs to lie to you<p>might it have anything to do with the fact that you are SO jellous that you bother to get a keystroke recorder? that would certainly drive me away.<p>anyways, it's not worth feeling sorry for yourself over. relationships are about trial and error. this one was an error, so try again

Dear Akujin:
Please refrain from responding to any of my comments. They are not helpful. Thank you. wucus

Dear Friends:
I feel like I am letting go of any possibility of reconsiliation with my WS. He is walking around the house in a depression and does not want to leave or talk. We have two young girls and I work and cannot leave. But I keep praying and trying to stay possitive. I know he is definitly in a fog. So in love with OW that he can't appreciate me or his kids or anything else. All he needs is OW and life would be so right. I am trying with all my might to hang in. To have some hope. To find myself in this mess. Staying strong for my children. I keep asking WS, "Why are you here?" No answer. No nothing. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear wucus:<p>Well, this site is called "Marriage Builders" and the Harleys have a Plan B. Are you thoroughly familiar with how Plan B works, have you read the guidelines? <p>It's not over yet wucus. Plan B can give you the break you need to keep from losing all your feeling and love for your H.<p>I empathize with you. My H also mopes around the house, not talking to me but instead saving everything up for the OW and their cell phone visits. <p>I feel optimism about your situation though. Your H was willing to spend the time with you daily, and you were beginning to feel closer.<p>If you Plan B right now, you could keep the loving feelings for him and stop your LoveBank from draining into the red.<p>Maybe he needs a strong dose of reality, life without you meeting any EN's for a substantial length of time, to realize what he has and what he's gambling with throwing away for a fantasy.<p>If you can't afford to counsel with the Harleys, and you think you want to try Plan B, go to those boards and read and post. <p>((((((((((((((((((((((((wucus))))))))))))))))))<p>[ March 20, 2002: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</p>

Hello:
we are basically Plan B ing in the house together. We do not talk to each other and in fact had a screaming match today. he has come to look at what I have been writing here. I hope he sees this and decides to post a reply. But if not, today he said he wanted a divorce so I said okay we can talk about it when I get home from work. Well as soon as he came in he went upstairs and jumped in the bed. No talking. My WS acts as if he has completely lost his mind and I in fact threatened to commit him. I came up with this test for his sickness and he went for it!!! But still does not see he is messed up. I told him the other day that I would allow him to go to Sweden and see this woman and sleep with her to get her out of his system. The catch was that I could also sleep with someone. He ran to the phone to call her to tell her he was coming to Sweden. He values me so little that I am allowed to sleep with someone so that he can sleep with OW. Sick, Sick,Sick. After that I told him he was making me hate him. That shocked him and I do not know why except for the fact that he does not see himself in this. This all started because I was deficient in some way, according to WS. I am very confused as to what my next step should be. He said he is trying to find work so he can get out of here. The nerve of that statement. Can't find work to stay but can do so to leave. He is making me really dislike him. wucus

Dear Friends:
Something happened this week. I just feel so at peace with this whole thing. A still going on but it does not bother me any more. I really feel as if I can now move on. This is just not what I want my life to be about and so I am now completely finished. Have exhausted any possibility that WS can see past himself and just feel he needs to finish his fantasy. Try to make it work with OW. I am all for it!! I feel strange writing this because this site is about building your marriage, but there also must come a time of enlightenment when you just realize you are just not the right person for this person and vice versa. <p>I have not met another---yet but I have hope. I know all of this has happened for a reason. God has continually shown me things and I am finally listening. I told WS that he should go see what he has developed with the OW. I really mean it. He should find out if that is real. <p>I heard this song when I was in the grocery store today. I do not know why I even noticed but I did and it was that old song by I don't know who that goes, "Yes it's sad to belong to someone else when the right one comes along." I believe she could be his "right one". Thanks wucus.

Hello everyone:
This week has been something. Last Thursday I was on the net and OW pops in saying she is giving him up and I can have him. Well I was pretty fed up with the sitting on the fence and lying and so forth so I comment back to her, No way, he is yours I am sending him to Sweden. She says, "Can we talk." I give her my office number and we talk, and talk, and talk. We talked over twelve hours last week. We became fast friends and went on a mission to expose my H who was lying and hurting both of us. She apologized profusly to me. Admitted her own sickness and I helped her deal with it and told her own H. Anyway, my H is sending emails to her and calling and she is forwarding them to me and not returning his calls. He is telling her how he loves her more each day, and needs to get a job so they can be together. I really did tell him he could go have sex with her if I can have sex with some other man. That was his test of sickness. He did not get it. Anyway, OW and I had this grand scheme but he wrote her an email, which she read to me on Friday that made me so sick I could not take it anymore. I went home from work and told him everything and asked him to leave. Which he did. He also called OW's house and told her H "I know where you live motherf..." This was scary to her and her H is now involved. A good thing. I told her today that we need to not continue our relationship because she needs to heal from their relationship. That WS would always be a part of my life, we have kids, and that I have hope for my marriage. Plus she expressed that she felt sorry for him. The alliance with her served its purpose. Although I genuinly like her I do not believe any contact between she and I or my WS is healthy. I want to move on. WS is out of house. I told him he lost. He lost me, family, now OW because he refused to stop and get help. Now he has to lay in the bed he made and I am smiling. I have hope and I am a patient woman. I also believe that I am all the woman any man will ever need. It is time for him to figure that out. And if he doesn't then he is stupider than I thought. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img]

wucus:<p>Fantastic! You da woman! Admiration, kudos, wow, you got ovaries, girl!<p> [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Bellavue:<p>I hope you read this. You are nuts but so am I and that is why I look forward to your posts. I like what you say and today, a week after my H left I am sitting pretty. Dealing with day to day life without him and he is sleeping on someone's floor. He is now busy trying to figure out what I am doing. lol The whole thing has really been something and it ain't over till the fat lady sings. But I know whatever comes my way, I will roll with it and I absolutly am so greatful for finding this site. So greatful. H told me he is no longer talking to OW and wanted me to "Give him my word that I would no longer call that woman." Always wants something for nothing. huh? I didn't like the fact that he has not kept his word to me in the past six months but now I am supposed to pledge some sort of alligence to him. "That woman" did not have to work with me but she chose to do so at the risk of losing him. crazy huh? I am greatful to her. She helped me save my marriage, my husband , and myself. Marriage still iffy?lol
Take Care Belle. wucus

wucus,<p>Thing went so fast for you and I am glad that you are stronger. I know you will be able to handle it. When BS is in acceptance mode, i.e. move on w/ or w/o WS, the balance is equalized. WS has to find it within themself to change the same way BS finds a way to change in plan A. Draw up a term that will ammend you for his past behavior, do not move an inch ... it is for both of you to recover M. Meanwhile, go on w/ your life, you have 2 kids to take care of and also money to bring to the table. Huinker down until you see repent in him otherwise you will have headache like Orchid does. If it not Sweden Chick it could be someone else.<p>God works in wonderfull way. In your case OW help you to safe your M. In my case OMW is working with me. She is great and make her home safe for OM to come back while I am turning 180 degree on her. Up to now I have faith that I will save my M and will use it to glorify HIS name. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .

Hey wucus!
I've been reading your post and you're one GREAT gal. Ab Fab. Absolutely fabulous. I've been soooo down this week - trying to put plan B into action and mustering up my courage - I also have 2 little boys (6 and 9) and my H has been having EA no 2 with 22 yr old blonde French student of his - what a guy!<p>Its your post that has FINALLY brought a smile back to my face - and I feel some strength running in my veins again. Thank you Wucus - you have a powerful effect in the world - just be yourself. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Dear Redhat, Odile, and Bellevue: Isn't it funny how the world works. You guy have given me such strength I can not say enough. Man this stuff can drive you straight out of your mind if you let it and that is something I can not afford. So I just decided if no one gives a crap about me and my kids then I will. I WILL!!!!! Made the mistake of trying to talk logic to WS today. No go. He feels he needs to see this woman so he can get it out of his system. I told him that it would be a mistake and stopping communication with her would do that. He blew up at me. And you know what. So what. I told him it would cost him his marriage, life, kids, ... And I mean it. I have put up with quite enough!!! Like I said, I am all the woman he needs. But if he can't see that. His loss. My gain because I know for a fact I was undervalued. And hey, I ain't cheap. lol Thank you guys so much. For all your positive responses and assistance. Good to see you RedHat. You be strong. And I will also put you in my prayers. All of you. wucus

Dear wucus:
I haven't been able to get on the Boards because our son was sick and pretty needy and I was babying him. Now they're on vacation and he has a friend over.<p>Nuts? Moi? Ah, you've been listening to my husband!<p>"a week after my H left I am sitting pretty. Dealing with day to day life without him and he is sleeping on someone's floor. He is now busy trying to figure out what I am doing. lol"<p>Happy, happy, [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>"The whole thing has really been something and it ain't over till the fat lady sings. But I know whatever comes my way, I will roll with it and I absolutly am so greatful for finding this site. "<p>I know, I love this place!<p>"H told me he is no longer talking to OW and wanted me to "Give him my word that I would no longer call that woman." Always wants something for nothing. huh? "<p>ROFL. Don't talk to the woman he's been betraying you with. Wow. What nerve! Again, very funny. Who in the world of comedy writers could come up with such irony?<p>"I didn't like the fact that he has not kept his word to me in the past six months but now I am supposed to pledge some sort of alligence to him. "<p>They just don't get it. Through The Looking Glass. <p>Fog.<p>Whether you ever talk to "that woman" again is up to you. I think he may want assurances that if he manages to connive her back into his life, you two won't be able to give each other a "heads up"<p>I'm glad to hear from you. ((((((((wucus))))))))<p>The keepers are back to re-tie my straight-jacket.

wucus,<p>Good !!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] , this is what MB is all about. Prepare us to move on w/ or w/o our WS. I was at Reno, NV the whole weekend w/o my WW. She went to church w/ OM on Sunday ... all OM's freind gave a dirty look at her ... info from OMW. She was miserable alright but I have fun w/ my 2 D in the arcade @circus-circus. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] .<p>I am done with that woman, I told SH that I will not agree to cancel Dv even she wanted to unless she will talk to SH for several sessions and get a green light from SH. If I don't have 100% from her she doesn't deserve mine at all.<p>I am trying to reduce my time spend at MB from home since I don't want my 2 D told my WW that I spend time at MB at all.<p>Catch you later ... my 2 D want to see Panic Room [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] -RH-<p>[ April 02, 2002: Message edited by: redhat ]</p>

Hi Everyone: Okay, I haven't posted anything this week because I have been living in Bizarro World. It all started last week. Sit down for this one. My WS was home for Easter and we must have talked at least 12 hours or more about our lives and this A his is having. Last we spoke he had cursed the OW and said goodbye. We me and my big mouth told her he had his cell phone so she called and left a message and before I could call to retreive the message he had gotten it. He called her back and she did a 360 and it was back on again.
Well over the weekend we talked and talked. And by this time I am pretty much of the mind that I have no control over this monster. But I can take care of myself and my children so that is what I am focused on. But we talk as great friends, we laugh, I give my insight, try to talk logic, tell him I love him, but always keep the line that I am ridding this thing from my life and my children's life and if it is still in your life then you can not be around us. Period.<p>He still blames me some for this starting and so do I but in no way was this the solution to our marital problems and he seems to be in agreement.<p>Well he is looking so bad. And life is so down since this all started. He has no job, living away from family and home, friends dropping him, losing respect in everyone's eyes. So I tell him about all of this. He says he wants to end this thing. But wants to do it his way. His way is to go to Sweden and look her in the eye and tell her it is over. And believe me there is no convincing him otherwise. Believe me. So he makes his reservation. I tell him to leave because I don't want anything to do with this mistake. The OW's H has already told her he is putting something on the computer to see what she is doing. And my WS has called and let his existence be known. Okay. But they are emailing each other and his travel plans and schedule are all on the computer, and she is telling him he is the love of her life and the man she wants to spend her life with blah, blah, blah.<p>I warn him again, this is dangerous, foreign country, OW's H knows, etc.etc. Fog, fog, fog.
He has to see this woman.<p>So the night before his plane is to leave I get a call from his son, my stepson. H has been arrested. He is locked up. I laugh and laugh. God is trying to tell you something. He will not be let out until after his plane has left.<p>Well I go to see him in jail. Just like in the movies with the thick glass and telephone. lol And we talk and I am just trying to see if he has gotten the message in all this. Look at yourself man!!! He says yes, "I have to be a fool not to see the writing on the wall. I am not meant to go there." Okay, but I have observed this man, trapped by this monster, for the last six months and he is acting like a freakin fool. So I know as soon as they let him go he is on a plane to Sweden. But I leave because like I said, I have no power in this thing. this monster.<p>I get home. Later that evening they let him go. He calls me, but only after calling OW and rescheduling his flight for the next day. Fool. He must go. When he calls he is trying his best to convince me that he has chosen me and his family. Trust him, trust him. "I am going to say Goodbye. When I get home it will be done, I promise, I promise, I love you, please believe me, I promise, It will be done, trust. I am going there with purity of heart and purpose. I am not looking for trouble, or sex. I need to do this to rid it from my system. She could never replace you. I would never leave you for her. I love you and when I get back I will be 100% yours for you, for us. We will rebuild. 100%" He talked and talked until I said, "Okay, I cannot convince you otherwise. The deal is...if I even think or feel you are still communicating with this woman I will divorce you. I have taken enough. Your promises have been written in the sand. This is a mistake." His trip will have him there for 1 and 1/2 days. 14 hour flight both ways. So here I am. Divorce papers in hand because...well you know why. Big mistake. He told her his purpose before leaving. We bet what she would say. I won the bet. She said come anyway. No kidding. I hope this was entertaining you guys. Give opinions. Thanks. wu

Wucus,<p>I have been following your thread for awhile, but haven't posted because you had lots of others giving you support and great advice. Also, you really seem to be handling this well.<p>Well, all I can say is FOG, FOG, FOG! The aliens really have control of your H. I cannot believe what he is telling you. It would make in into Ripley's Believe It Or Not. LOL. I am astounded. I didn't know it could get this bad.<p>You still seem to be doing great -- you are definately not in the fog. Hang in there. Your H needs to respect the boundaries you establish. He can't just walk all over you.<p>Keep us posted.<p>FHO

Hi wucus:<p>Slipped away from my keepers to check on the latest with you. <p>
"Last we spoke he had cursed the OW and said goodbye. We me and my big mouth told her he had his cell phone so she called and left a message and before I could call to retreive the message he had gotten it. He called her back and she did a 360 and it was back on again."<p>Well, that's not your fault. Really. If you were testing him unconsciously by the Freudian slip of giving her that info, she could have NOT CALLED and he could have ERASED HER MESSAGE WITHOUT READING IT OR RESPONDING TO IT. Maybe deep inside you knew a test was necessary to force the issue.<p>I see this slip as a smart move on your part. You saved yourself months or years of wondering. It was efficient, and conserves your emotions so that you can keep yourself sane and healthy.<p>
"I am ridding this thing from my life and my children's life and if it is still in your life then you can not be around us. Period."<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] Brava, wucus! : [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>"Well he is looking so bad. And life is so down since this all started. He has no job, living away from family and home, friends dropping him, losing respect in everyone's eyes."<p>Reality rears its ugly head.<p>"He says he wants to end this thing. But wants to do it his way. His way is to go to Sweden and look her in the eye and tell her it is over. And believe me there is no convincing him otherwise."<p>How's this analogy: Man comes into doctor's office, dripping from a wound. Doctor tells him wound needs to be stitched to stop bleeding. Patient says "Let me do it my way. I'm applying leeches to suck out the bad blood."<p>They are both in the fog, you're right.<p>"So the night before his plane is to leave I get a call from his son, my stepson. H has been arrested. He is locked up. I laugh and laugh. God is trying to tell you something. He will not be let out until after his plane has left."<p>wucus, please tell me you didn't post bail? By the way, why was he arrested?<p>"When he calls he is trying his best to convince me that he has chosen me and his family. Trust him, trust him."<p>
How does this sound:
"I can't resist heroin, I'd die for it even. But trust me. I'm going to go to my connection, buy a pure, uncut bag of the finest Afghan poppy, get a hotel room, cook it up in a spoon, tie a band around my biceps, suck the heroin into a syringe, and I'll be waiting for the best high of my life, and then instead of injecting it into my vein, I'm going to squirt all the heroin down the bathroom sink and rinse it clean. I'll come right home afterwards. Clean and sober. Believe me! I don't want to get high on that **** again. Trust me. I'm doing this for us."<p>You're strong, bright and funny. How can he think of loving another woman?<p>[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: Bellevue ]</p>

Hey thanks Formerhopelessone, and Bellevue. you know Belle I don't understand it either? smile. I'll keep you posted. wu

Hello everyone: Today is the big day. My H and I will have a big talk. I have decided to make this a positive experience and an honest one. Here goes. I had an affair also. Seven years ago I had an affair with a man who I was friends with before I met my husband. I never told my husband about it but I have decided that today is the day. I have carried this dishonesty around for so many years and it has probably contributed to the destruction of my marriage. I sort of feel like I had his affair coming. I have not contacted the OM in seven years. Although I have seen him in places we have not spoken or even made eye contact. I knew it was wrong and broke it off. He too is married. I have been judgmental of my H while painting myself as the victim. I am in the process of reading Surviving An Affair and it has helped me to decide to do this. I want my marriage to work out. Now he must decide if he wants that too with this new knowledge. Talk soon. wu

wucus,<p>You did the right thing but IMVHO, if your H still in the fog you should not tell him yet about your A. H will use it to justify his behavior, watch out. You should tell him when he is out of the fog and willing to work on M and on one of the radical honesty talk with him. Your H is still in his fog and want to persue his way, let him until he is ready to work on M. With his behavior so far, he is not ready yet.<p>just my 2¢ -RH-