by wucus:<p>"I have carried this dishonesty around for so many years and it has probably contributed to the destruction of my marriage. I sort of feel like I had his affair coming. I have not contacted the OM in seven years. Although I have seen him in places we have not spoken or even made eye contact. I knew it was wrong and broke it off. He too is married. I have been judgmental of my H while painting myself as the victim. I am in the process of reading Surviving An Affair and it has helped me to decide to do this. I want my marriage to work out. Now he must decide if he wants that too with this new knowledge."<p>Just want to register my disagreement. No matter what anyone says, experts, etc., I would keep this history to myself.<p>IMHO it would not do anything constructive or positive. Please reconsider. It really is a stretch for you to believe that something from 7 years ago, which has not continued at all, has "contributed to the destruction of your marriage."<p>It's your private life and you don't owe your husband this knowledge. You ended it and haven't tried to breathe life into it in any way. Let it stay buried. If there was something recent or in th present that made you less blameless, it would be right to expose it. But to to so now would just muddy the waters, and distract from repairing your marriage and rebuilding.<p>We all have something in our pasts that we keep private. The way I handle my private long ago sins is to remember them and call on them for insight and understanding. <p>Just my opinion.

Dear Wucus,
Your H's trip to Sweden brings back some bad but similar memories for me. My H had a 3.5 month EA/PA with a woman from a distant city- saw her sporadically but had weeks of contact with her thru work. I found out, plan A'd while he kept in cell phone contact with her- after about 6 weeks I intercepted an sexual message from her. I left and went to my sisters and told him "I will not live with a liar and a cheat." He asked for 3 days to decide. First he was, I'll cut it off, then he was, I need to do it in person, then he was, I need to look her in the face and decide who will make me happiest for the next 35 years. Left me a smiley face "I love you" note on my pillow and then went out to her city and F***** her 3 times while deciding.(OW's info) It hurt me bad because I told him before he left that I might not be able to forgive him if he had S** with her, that it could end in divorce. (Not angrily- just it could be a consequence). (He did later explain it by saying, I wanted to see her put her best foot forward and I chose you.) My H also told me that if he chose me he would come back to our M and work on things 110%. Well, he broke it off, and came back to me still wanting to move out to think about things. And had sporadic phone contact with her for 6 more weeks. He did buy me an eternity band for our wedding anniversary which was 10 weeks later, and then pretty much buried himself in work. I still don't feel like he's working on it 110%. He did make an improvement in February in terms of making more of an effort. In alot of ways our M is better than before, but I'm still wrestling with, is it good enough in the long run?
Anyway, my guess is your H is going to have a BIG letdown when he meets this OW for real and that may be the shock that will pull him out of this thing. (Or maybe it will cement it and he will move to Sweden- but I doubt it). My advice is be tough when he wants to come back. My H got off too easy, so he thinks it can all be water under the bridge.

Wucus ... how are you doing ?. Bump ^^^

Hi RedHat:
Actually, I am doing quite well. Things are finally turning around. And like the saying goes, "everything happens for a reason" I believe that whole heartedly now. I believe that my H had this affair for a reason and we are finally figuring it out. We are closer than I can ever remember. He is feeling guilty for this thing and we are trying to work through that. He has told OW that he has chosen his wife and children over her and she is trying best she can to change his mind. She is now even saying she is pregnant. I do not believe she is but my H has expressed to her that even if she is and there is a baby that is his and not her husband's that that still does not put her on par with me and his family. There is no equalizer. He has made his decision and that is it. It will not change. There is some depression but we have spent so much time talking, hugging, kissing, ... that we are finding answers together. <p>And yes I told him about my affair. It was a grand decision. It helped him to realize that this can happen to me. It helped him to see I am vulnerable. It helped him to see I was missing something in the marriage too. It helped me to accept what he was going through. It made this thing HONEST and that was the most important thing of all. There is nothing better than honesty. Now I am losing a whole lot of sleep because we spend our nights talking, and talking, and talking, and when we fall asleep we are both assured that whatever the day has brought we go to sleep with confidence that his decision to end the affair and choose his family, and my decision to fight for my marriage with everything I had was the right decision. We are confident that we went to sleep thinking about and honoring our commitment to each other and no one else. I am doing quite well RedHat. I will get better. Thank you. I hope your situation is managable. Strange word. But I hope you have strength and believe me when I say you have been in my prayers, you and everyone in this world who has endured this pain. The secret is finding out why God is doing this to me, you, whomever. Why? Sometimes the answer comes too late, sometimes it comes right on time. I pray your answer comes right on time for whatever you want and need. I will keep you posted. wu

wucus,
I knew exactly why this A happened. I was neglecting my relationship w/ my Lord and choosing my WW's way and drifting from HIM. This A is 2x4 that HE hit me with. Now I am close than ever to HIM and also my youngest D 've accepted Jesus as her personal savior. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] . Also I learn a lot about my WW's ENs that I neglected. I am ready with what ever out come will be ... at this junction it seems w/o my WW.<p>I am happy that your H did the right thing. Get him to conseling and also get him to understand MB. The path to recovery is very narrow ... I made a mistake 5 yrs ago. -RH-

wucus:<p>Well, I'm totally suprised at the results of your telling your H about YOUR affair. And I was completely wrong in my opinion to you. It was the right thing for you to do. Sounds like it has helped heal a rift and make your marriage stronger. Congratulations, and hugs.

Hi Everyone:

Again Hello Everyone:
Today I almost got on Dr. Harley's talk show. I have to call back on Thursday and I will be the first to talk. hee, hee, hee.
Anyway, H and I are getting along well. We are talking quite a bit and adding some affection which really helps to let each other know we love and support each other through this whole thing. This mess.
Well, OW now says she is pregnant. Mind you she is married. My H is black and she is white. And she lives in another country. We are at a loss at what to do about this whole mess. That is why I called the radio station. I would like for H to end all contact with her regardless of the pregnancy. Partly because he has no way of knowing whose baby this is and we live in another country. I tried calling her H today. H is still in the dark.
My H feels it is necessary to work through the problem. This I am having a hard time doing. I feel as long as he communicates with her she still has hope. But he cares for her so he wants to "try to convince her to do the right thing." Any opinions, Red? Belle? What do you think?
I have told my H that I know for sure I could not deal with any decision that would have her and any baby in our lives.
Let me just say that we do not know for sure if she is pregnant or if this is a ploy to stay in my H's life since he told her he loves me and will be staying with his family. She is very angry about that. She thought all this time he would choose her over me and his kids. Help!!!!!

Hello Everyone:
Hell is back. h emailed OW today. I told him he should go be with her. We are just friends now anyway. I am so sick. And there is the possibility that I may be pregnant too. Will know tommorrow.

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by wucus:
<strong>Hello Everyone:
Hell is back. h emailed OW today. I told him he should go be with her. We are just friends now anyway. I am so sick. And there is the possibility that I may be pregnant too. Will know tommorrow.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Be patience, don't take it personally. It is your H fog !. Don't tell him to go with her, he will use it against you later. Bite your tounge next time and vent in here. How is your prego test result ?. You have to focus on your health and emotions, forget about H or his A right now. H will do and continues to do what H want, let it go.<p>-RH-

Deqar wucus:<p>Oh, shpitt.<p>Any results on your test? <p>Okay, here are the possibilities:<p>1) You're pregnant and he stays with your and honors his commitment to you and your family and cuts off all future contact with the OW;<p>2) You're not pregnant and he does as above;<p>3) She's pregnant and you have to wait and see who's the dad, <p>4) Your H is the dad, which means child support (I would have all contact made by lawyers or agencies and have your H agree to no contact every again, no matter what)<p>5) Her H is the dad, which means end of story<p>6) She's faking, see 5) above<p>Don't make any hasty decisions based on emotion (easier said than done)<p>Darn, I'm sorry for this latest awful twist in your life. <p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Hello Everyone: Whew!!! not pregnant, me that is. Sorry I have been away for so long but I have been following Forgiver's thread. <p>Things go well here for a couple of days and then all hell breaks lose. He keeps contacting OW!!! And I LB'd big time today but then I went back and apologized but calmly told WS that I loved him but I would not be in a relationship with him and OW. I deserved better, my kids deserve better, my deceased mother deserved better (father was a cheater too). I told him I have taken enough and that I am tired. He is so worried about her feelings and if she is happy so I said I would give him a divorce and then she would be happy. Go try to make a relationship with this as a foundation.<p>Found an email he sent to her comparing our relationship with theirs. H Told her that it was difficult to decide between her and me. That we had 13 years and she won his heart in only 7 months. It made me really sick. Really. I just don't understand why I can feel so happy and then he hurts me again and again and again. I am truly gun shy. I thought we were doing great but I just knew he had contacted her because he was really depressed and then yesterday and today it was gone-because he talked to her. She has the magic now to make him happy. I don't feel as if I can do that. I feel like I am just spinning my wheels and setting myself up to get hurt. And each new discovery cuts deeper and deeper. This has been going on since October of 2001. <p>Two days ago me and WS were talking and I revealed to him that when I kicked him out I thought that he and OW would plot to have me killed. That is how messed up I was. It shocked him but sure enough he continues contact with this person who has done nothing but disrespect me and his children.<p>He cares so much how she feels, if she is happy. When do I get some care? I really need it right now. The depression is deafening. Bye for now. Trying to stay strong but I don't know how much longer I can. I am a bit afraid right now. I need to see something good happen and have it stick. I really can't believe this is happening to me. This is like a nightmare. Somebody slap me and wake me up!!!! wu.

Dear Wucus,<p>I have been reading your last few posts. This is deja vu. Last year PBR (psyco babble rabbit) claimed prego with no proof 3 times. I miss carried in between but I had proof. <p>I hope this 'rabbit' ow you are dealing with is bluffing. This prego scare really pulled on the WS heartstrings. For some crazy reason all of a sudden 'he wants to do the right thing?' HOw is that possible when the 'wrong thing' is what got them to that point? Crazy but true. <p>So I learned through it all to work on me. Mind U the OW in my case is 45 years old. Just a bit older than me but the nut claimed she was too ignorant to know she was prego (that's why she claimed prego 3 times?). OW was also married for her first prego threat. Then this nut had the nerve to ask for medical assistance (prenatal care @ $150.00 per month....with no proof?!?!? Then asked for child support before the baby was born, again with no proof. Sounded like extortion to me. I told H if he paid 1 cent he would be out on his hiney. <p>If this is still an issue for you, go post your story on the preg/child site. They are very supportive there. They helped me a lot last year. <p>I would also ask for proof. Like talk to her doctor, see a copy of her medical report or receipt from the doctor showing what type of treatment or visit she is being charged for. If she is in another country, find out what she might try to get away with. Sometimes this is used to gain access to another country. Sad but true. <p>Take Care,
L.

Originally posted by wucus:<p>Good news, your not being prego. <p>Can you counsel with the Harleys? Regular, weekly or monthly counseling I mean. I think they could really help you.<p>You know what you have to do. And since you're here, you are familiar with the MB plan A, plan B, poja, etc. I believe you that you won't be in a relationship with your h and the OW and the supposed baby she's carrying. But does your husband believe you? Or does he think you're just talking? Just making noise, but once the noise stops that you will hang in there, providing sex for him (you just had a pregnancy scare, so obviously he likes you well enough to be intimate with you) while enabling him to have his fantasy affair.<p>Ever hear of a "folie a deux"? A friend described it to me this way: You and I live in a playhouse, and we never go outside. Our groceries are delivered and left on the doorstep. We have tea parties, play dress-up, play games. <p>That's the fantasy part of the affair. Your H has phone contact and emails with the OW. Those contacts are within the "playhouse" with reality out of the picture. Every contact they have is in the "playhouse." They feed into the fantasy with the memory of their past sex acts, and he makes over your marriage into something that builds up their relationship. <p>He compares 7 months of brand new sex and sneaky email and phone calls to the years of your marriage. Of course it seems special and intense. Your first months of being in love were as intense, but he's in the classic fog.<p>"He cares so much how she feels, if she is happy. When do I get some care? I really need it right now. The depression is deafening."<p>wucus, I truly understand. It's an emotional violence and a violation. I've been there. A spouse in the fog will watch you bleed all over the carpet while he breaks your heart, and tell you reasonably that he won't allow you to make him hurt this other person. <p>If you want to read the details of one of my H's emotional off-the-wall bloodlettings, post back.<p>It IS a nightmare, but you're living it. It could get to the point where it is "normal" for you, and if that happens, I think it's worse than the nightmare feeling. So maybe it's a good sign that it feels like a nightmare.<p>((((((((((((((((((wucus)))))))))))))))))))

Dear Belle: Thank you for your reply. I have thought that maybe all this kick him out, take him back crap makes him think I am full of crap. He even emailed me today and told me that I know he has exhausted all of his places to go and has no money so I am being hurtful in asking him to leave. My thought is this. He caused all of this. I want a divorce. I do not have the money to do so. I will soon settle on an accident I had. I will use some of that to divorce this creep. He tells me he can't end this the way I want him to and on my timetable. What does he expect. He surely expects me to put up with it. I will not. This is no bluff.<p>Yes Belle send me your posts. I would love to read them. Thank you again.

wucus,<p>While WS is in the fog, you better stay clear out of the way otherwise you will bankrupt your LB$. have you look at possibilites of plan B ? or just stay away from H temporary, taking a mini vacation or visit family out of states. I took small vacation away from WW, just to stay clear from her fog. It makes me better and stronger. Luckily my WW plan B'ng me so that I don't need to see her face ...<p>Since financially not possible yet for Dv, why don't you look into the possibilty of putting together a plan B ?. We, BS has to wait in plan A until there is no more to fix then one way or another we are "forced" to be in plan B ... hope it won't come to that point and A dies before hand.<p>Just my 2¢ -RH-

Dear wucus:<p>
"I have thought that maybe all this kick him out, take him back crap makes him think I am full of crap."<p>You are right. But rather than saying he thinks you are full of crap, how abut that he thinks your boundaries can be gerrymandered. <p>You took him back in good faith when the mess he made became too extreme. He has betrayed your compassion. And I agree with Redhat, Plan B to keep from going into the red in the love bank. (This even though you plan right now to divorce him. Because by having no contact, neither one of you can do or say hurtful things.)<p>I don't think it's all over, yet. He may need a strong dose of reality before reconciliation can really begin. Time may need to work its magic and medicine. Taking him back before was probably premature.<p>"He even emailed me today and told me that I know he has exhausted all of his places to go and has no money so [b]I am being hurtful in asking him to leave.
My thought is this. He caused all of this."<p>Exactly. Like the defendant accused of murdering his parents who throws himself on the mercy of the court because now he is an orphan.<p>"I want a divorce. I do not have the money to do so. I will soon settle on an accident I had. I will use some of that to divorce this creep. He tells me he can't end this the way I want him to and on my timetable. What does he expect. He surely expects me to put up with it. I will not. This is no bluff."<p>Hon, use the money as you think best. If divorce will give you your peace of mind back, then take that road. You're the injured party here. Everyone has limits and if you've reached yours and divorcing will give you your life back, that's what you have to do.<p>Marriage building isn't always a straight line. Some success stories looked like a total failure at one point or another. If you reconcile, it may have to be after clearing all the old stuff out of the way, going the legal route, and letting time work its magic.<p>How I feel for you, I really do understand this pain.<p>About my posts, I'll have to figure out the mechanics of copying and sending, but I will do it! Be well.

Hi Everyone:<p>Well, well finally the fog is lifting. Yeah!!!! My H told the OW off. Called her a caniving (spelling) tramp. She called him a coward and started lying about when he was calling her. She started trying to get to me with her lies. Oh yeah, she was lying about being pregnant also. Something on this site about OW wanting to have contact with BS made me feel better. Someone wrote that OW was fighting for her future. That hit the nail on the head. Anyway, H told her he would not be calling her (finally with forceful language) and for her to not try any contact with him. He said, "We will act as if we never existed." "Have a nice life." [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] This all started because she was talking really smug to me. Telling me he was confused and he was only home for the children. I told her he was not confused and she was in denial about his love for me. She got angry and started saying well why does he call me? I said it used to be daily now it is every other week maybe. She said he had his chance to tell me goodbye and he did not. His fog theory was to try to let her down gently. Although I told him that would not work he persisted and I let it happen. Die a natural death. Well when she said he had his chance to tell her goodbye along with all the lies about him calling. (I was able to get her to give me times and days for the alleged calls, And he was with me!!!) [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] Well after OW said this he felt stupid. He said he had been trying not to hurt her and there she was trying to hurt me. It was all revealed!!Ha,Ha. She started cursing. It was nasty but really great.<p>Well I guess this is a success story. It has been seven long months but he can not sleep without holding me and telling me he loves me. He told OW what did he need to say for her to understand that he was staying with his wife whom he loves. She said "Don't bother. You know what I want but you just don't care about that." What?! He has spent seven months caring. Her selfishness finally he saw it!! He finally told her he loves me. She never wanted to hear that so he always told her that he was here for the children. I did not LB at all. She did big time.<p>We have talked so much. He has been honest about his feelings. He said she still had a part of his heart but that it is fading. He knows what he wants and it hurt him when I would tell him to go to her. So I stopped that immediately. lol He touches me all the time. Kisses me in the morning before we get up. Even in the middle of the night. Holds my hand, calls me at work, He is really loving and I am a sponge at this point.lol This is so hard though. And scary. But I believe I am up to the task. I love my H. I really do. And I believe he loves me. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I'll be around. Thank you all. love you all. You have been my saviors. Bye for now. wu

Man it is great to her good news on this website. Keep up the whatever changes that have been going on to make your husband decide to stay married.

[img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
Way to go, Wucus!
Odile