Lacee<P>I will take your advice and post about success stories, I may be in a negative mood right now, but I don't think there will be many responses.

One thing that I have seen in the success stories is that the betrayer has to be the one to break things off and know that it is over. I have confronted my wife with hard evidence yet she still goes to talk to OM as a friend.<P>From people that I have talked to in past. It is only over when the betrayed sees the proverbial light and stops. Much like people who are alcohlics and drug additicts. Most only stop when they hit rock bottom. The problem is that by the time this happens many of us may be so fed up that we are gone. <P>Not the perfect answer but something that I have seen happen. I pray everyday that my wife sees the light.<P>

Lacee - My 2 cents worth is to confess ASAP. He probably knows already. I had my "suspicions" but I just didn't want to face the reality. Yes, when W finally admitted it, it hit me like a ton of bricks but that was more from my finally dealing in reality than from any shock. I really wasn't surprised.<P>Regarding the temptations and withdrawal symptoms, I suggest a couple of things. I don't know your anything about your personal faith so I am reluctant to say much. However, I personally believe that God, as promised, will deliver us from our enemies. Note this is not the same as deliver us from our friends. I discovered this when I finally got sober 9+ years ago. I had been "white-knuckling it for 90 days and while I had succeeded in not drinking, I was miserable and on the verge of drinking every day. When I finally found Gad again after 15 years (age 29 at the time) I had to make alcoholism my enemy. After that moment, my craving for alcohol was lifted. I haven't had a drink since. I expereinced this again two years ago when I relapsed with my problem with porn. I always had lust issues (e.g. fantasies, ogling, etc.) and finally, finally, I made lust my enemy, not my hidden friend, and achieved a victory I never dreamed possible. I no longer had to "white-knuckle" it to keep from looking a Cosmo cover, or stare at a woman on the street. I no longer even wanted to. The desire was gone and my heart changed.<P>You can have the same victory.<P>Second, explore the 12 Steps. They were born from AA but if remove the mere two references to alcohol, they can be applied to ANY problem we face. We tend to have a living problem, not necessarily a drug, booze, gambling, sex, shopping, food, or whatever problem.<P>I am starting to understand how it is also hard for the betrayers. Guilt eats away at us and I certainly know the pains of withdrawal from substances. Atonement for past sins can be made by giving 100% to the marriage and meeting the spouses needs; righting the wrongs. Withdrawal will pass in time but it helps to change the things in one's life that cause the "cravings". And,we need to find someone who will hold us accountable and who we can call at any hour of the day or night to talk us down from our cravings.<P>Lastly - thanks, I'm getting hopeful again.

Lacee:<P>Would you like to email me? I love these message boards but when I find someone in a similar position as I, I prefer direct email, so that I can ask more direct questions. It sounds like you are farther along than I am, thus I would be able to gain from your insight. My email address is sdy63@yahoo.com. I hope to hear from you.<P>

Thank you so much everyone for your advice! I am more scared than ever and I know I have to tell him. However, I think it might be best for me to wait until after the holidays. I certainly don't want my 5 children being traumatized with any unbearable circumstances that may arise. And I do expect some. I can't say for sure if it will be physical or not, since he has only physically hurt me one time. Please allow me to give you some background... I went out with some girlfriends and came home plastered. I hadn't been with another man but he thought I had. Unfortunately, my children had to hear everything that was happening to me as they screamed and cried and pleaded with him to stop....while I lay on the floor.... clothes torn, soaking wet from being dragged down the stairs and thrown into a cold shower face first on the floor, hyperventilating, he was by their doors calmly telling them, "everything is ok. Go to sleep now, your moms ok," and then coming back to me and proceeding to "Check" me to see if I had had sex. Humiliating! The next morning, after seeing my black and blue body... He cried and cried and begged my forgiveness. He has never touched me in anger again! I think it hurt him more than me. (By the way, it was Easter morning in 1998 and my 12 year old son woke me up (I slept on the couch, needless to say) and said, "Mom, let me hide the eggs and baskets for you..." ARGH!!! I was just SICK! It was then that I vented to the OM and It was 6 months later, that I began the physicl affair with OM. So, in the meantime, I will set a goal to tell him AFTER CHRISTMAS. Just incase any thing goes wrong because I can't stand the thought of another holiday being destroyed for my children. Any ideas on how to break the bad news? Can anyone make a suggestion based upon their own experiences on how your spouses confession could have made things easier to absorb? I am thinking perhaps it might be best for us to start counciling and having a councilor present and helping me to know when he is prepared enought to handle the confession. Oh boy.... Any advice is welcome.......I am going to pose this as a New Post and see if any others who haven't been keeping up on this thread may have suggestions.... Thanks again to all of you here... F A, SamH, NewMan, Just Learning, Zip... Your imput has been extremely helpful....