My 2 cents worth is this

YOU GUYS NEED TO STOP THE PARTYING aka drinking if you want to head in the right direction ever!!

I never did see where you said why you were feeling anger at the OM-other than saying he persued you.

That hit a rather sore spot with me-as the OW in my case blamed my H too. Well lets say this -

He convinces you once-shame on him

He convinces you twice-SHAME ON YOU!!

You are both equally to blame-you need to admit that to yourself right away!

Yes, I know the partying and drinking need to stop. It's been greatly reduced. I now only have a couple drinks with friends now and again, eg. at a BBQ.

Sure, my anger at the OM is for persuing me, and for crossing a line that I thought I would never cross.

I absolutely accept responsibility for both times. I could've said no both times. I am at fault. I know I've caused my H unimaginable pain, and also have interfered with the OM's marriage as well. He hasn't told his wife yet (but then again I haven't talked to him in over a week, we've cut off communication), so that's why I don't say I've caused her pain yet.

If I could turn back time, I would not do this at all, but that's not ever going to happen, so I'm accepting responsibility for my actions. I've told my H that I know I'm 50% to blame for this (and the OM is 50% to blame). I'm not trying to deny that.

But, as a BS, I can completely understand your perspective. I also appreciate you asking the questions you did because I need to be reminded of what must be going through my H's mind.

Jen
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Originally posted by heartache:
<strong>My 2 cents worth is this

YOU GUYS NEED TO STOP THE PARTYING aka drinking if you want to head in the right direction ever!!

I never did see where you said why you were feeling anger at the OM-other than saying he persued you.

That hit a rather sore spot with me-as the OW in my case blamed my H too. Well lets say this -

He convinces you once-shame on him

He convinces you twice-SHAME ON YOU!!

You are both equally to blame-you need to admit that to yourself right away!</strong></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">

Well Jen Brown-then how about you stop feeling anger towards the OM and feel it towards your self. You say you take full responsibility then you need to act that way.

I am sorry if I sound rude-I do feel a little bit irate with you-for you sound way too much like my OW-and it stinks the things she tried to lay blame on my H for-things she had every bit of control over-if she had wanted to. But she found it easier to blame him for her mistakes.

Good Luck!!

Well, for all you BS's out there, this will make you feel better. It sure made my H feel better. My H gave in to his parents' repeated requests to know what was going on. They had bee accusing him of possibly cheating on me, so he felt he had to tell them to clear his name. So he told them that I cheated on him, with his best friend. Their response was that they'd support him no matter what his decision - to leave me or to try to work it out.

However, this next part will upset some of you, especially those who believe in total honesty at all costs. When they asked if it was just once or ongoing, he said just once (it was really twice). When they asked if he had to confront me or if I confessed, he told them I confessed. He says he did this so he didn't have to upset them any further, and that if he had not said I confessed he would have to leave me for sure.

Now he wants me to tell my parents and my brother the "truth".

Jen

Jen Brown

It has been awhile since I posted anything here and I see I am coming into this topic quite late, but one thing really struck me in one of your replies </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I wanted to play dirty, I could force my H to tell our parents we're separated, then he couldn't stay at the EA OW's place anymore.....but I did make a deal with myself to only be nice to my H no matter what from here on out.</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Boy, did that statement hit me hard! I was thinking to myself, "How dare you! Do you think you deserve to set the rules after what you did?" But, alas, I am sure it hit a button within me due to my WS barraging me with all of her "ground rules" on how we were going to handle "getting over it" or "not getting over it". She actually had the audacity to tell me that I "owed" her and her children 5 more years of husbandly/step-fatherly live-in support (that's when the youngest will turn 18) and then after that she would let me leave the marriage! Can you believe that statement? Talk about taking control of the whole situation! Anyway, even though your H's actions may not all be that great, you made your bed and have to lie in it now (sorry for the pun). It still amazes me when WS's get all judgmental, controlling, or just plain old freaking out, over their BS's reactions/actions in coping with the EA/PA's that they are dealing with. It's is the biggest gamble anyone can take with their spouse. There is never a guarantee that a WS's BS will ever forgive and try to heal the M. It's a major crap shoot. I was thinking of the part about your H listening in and not stopping it. I thought I would do the same thing for a couple of reasons. 1) I might allow it to make-up for my own indiscretion that my spouse was unaware of. 2) I might allow it because I needed a really good "slam dunk" reason to divorce. 3) I would allow it so I would have a good excuse to have one myself! Of course, the other reasons mentioned by everyone already bear some consideration too! By the way, were you even remotely aware that your H might be listening to you? You said you were disappointed that he didn't stop you. Were you testing him? My W f**ked in the garage while I was in bed sleeping and all the kids were home, some visiting family was there, and an exchange student was staying with us on top of that! Now tell me what freaking gall that took! Her several month affair was one thing, but banging some family friend one time in the garage while I was home was the real big in the nuts for me. I can only imagine how she would have felt if I did the same thing to her. I know that both parties contribute to the conditions that created the atmosphere that led to an affair, but no matter what reasons I see listed (or hear from my W) I still don't see the justification for it. I have had a lot going on within me and in my M to warrant a new topic altogether so I may do that (it's been a long time since I posted here) but basically, I still have not forgiven my W, I still don't trust her, I still think of divorce everyday, I still don't love her like I used to, and she doesn't help matters by continuing to live on as if nothing happened and doing all the palsy-walsy stuff with male friends like she's always done (like going off on a Harley ride with a retired widowed man a crossed the street) and other things too lengthy to mention here, but I digress! You and your H need to seriously sit down with a counselor and sort this stuff out. That is, if he is willing to. It sounds like you resented his female friend. Did he know you resented that relationship? Did he ignore you on that? Communication always seems to be the weakest link in a relationship where A's occur. If you can get your H to sit down and discuss whether he wants to save the M would be a great start. Perhaps he needs IC first to sort out how he really feels. My guess is that you have both been ignoring each other's needs in one way or another and each of you found your outlets to deal with that. I do agree that unless you and your H reach the bottom of this each of you may be destined to repeat the same behavior with each other once again, or, with another partner in the future. Good luck to you both on that and may God Bless.

Quote:
[quote] I know that both parties contribute to the conditions that created the atmosphere that led to an affair, but no matter what reasons I see listed (or hear from my W) I still don't see the justification for it.[\quote]

I have stopped trying to rationalize or find explanations in my H's behaviour for why I had the affair. It doesn't help at all for me to try to explain my actions based on the actions of those around me. I'm the one who cheated, I could've said no and walked away, heck, I am the one who should've confessed about it too. I take full responsibility for my actions. This is a recent realization, but a necessary one before we can ever save our marriage. I've told my H that I take full responsibility for my actions.

Quote:
[quote]It sounds like you resented his female friend. Did he know you resented that relationship? Did he ignore you on that? Communication always seems to be the weakest link in a relationship where A's occur.[\quote]

Yes, I resented their friendship somewhat, but a)he wasn't willing to modify it, and b) I can't blame my choice to have sex with someone else on that friendship, no matter how much I'd like to. That was one of my first excuses for the cheating. Heck, it was a rationalization used by both me and the OM.

Quote:
[quote]If you can get your H to sit down and discuss whether he wants to save the M would be a great start. Perhaps he needs IC first to sort out how he really feels. My guess is that you have both been ignoring each other's needs in one way or another and each of you found your outlets to deal with that. I do agree that unless you and your H reach the bottom of this each of you may be destined to repeat the same behavior with each other once again, or, with another partner in the future.[\quote]

We have been sitting down and talking about it, a great deal. Every time we do, communication improves. We may very well have been ignoring each other's needs, specifically I think we were taking each other for granted. He still isn't interested in going to counselling at all. I wish I could figure out a way to persuade him to go. I am finding it fairly helpful myself.

NEW NEWS:

Yesterday after my H told his parents, he was a very different person. He was calm and almost relaxed around me again. He was more open to discussion. He ate dinner with me, which is a big deal. He also let me sleep in the same bed as him last night, and we held each other all night. This morning I gave him a mini-photo album that I put together with a sampling of pictures of us from the beginning of our relationship to now. He liked it, and was definitely moved by it.

As was planned, he left to go camping and fishing by himself today. When he left we gave each other a warm hug, and when I told him I'd miss him, he said,"I'll probably miss you too." This is a big deal too me, it's as close as I've gotten to him telling me he still cares about me in a very long time. He won't say he loves me of course. A little while before he left he reminded me that we are still separated and everything isn't repaired. Half of his purpose in travelling alone is to see if he misses me while he does it, and to weigh things over in his mind (should he forgive me and take me back?). The other half of his purpose is just to get away from here, from family, and to be busy while I'm off on a trip to Australia.

I feel a big sense of calm and contentment today. I know he hasn't taken me back yet really, but we've made a lot of progress.

Next step, I must tell my parents. He said we can't ever work things out if everyone thinks he's the bad guy, which he figures they'll assume unless I explain otherwise. I think I'm going to have to write my parents a letter though. My brother I can just tell, but not my parents. My mom lost her first marriage because her H cheated on her with her best friend. This is going to be a major blow to her. I don't want to watch her face when she finds out.

Any thoughts folks?

Jen

I just went and told the one good friend I hadn't confided in yet. She's busy with a newborn, etc., so I kind of left her in the dark for a while. But, we are close friends, and so I told her just about everything (just not the when and where of the affair).

We were talking about why my H told his parents the "truth" - that I cheated on him, and why he wants me to tell mine. I found out this week that my H also told my inlaws that we were trying to conceive back in December, when he lied to me and told me that he'd never told them anything. (We had agreed not to tell anyone we were trying, so that there wouldn't be any extra pressure if it didn't happen right away.) I'm having trouble now with the fact that his family gets to know too much about us. Some things in a marriage should be sacred. He seems to be putting them first before our relationship/marriage (or what's left of it).

My friend's advice is to NOT tell my parents the full "truth", because as she says, what happens in the bedroom should stay in the bedroom.

I was going to blindly and unwittingly run to tell them very soon, just for the small chance that it would make my H happy and could possibly lead to saving my marriage. Heck, he could be playing games here and hope to just ruin my life and my relationship with my parents and then still leave me, couldn't he?

Before I tell my parents, I'm going to talk to my brother (he is capable of keeping a secret), and ask my counsellor. However, any advice from you folks in recovery would be appreciated. Did you tell your families the dirty details? Or did you let them believe that you were just having troubles getting along?

HELP PLEASE!
Jen <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />