I am in the aftermath of learning of my husband's affair. The initial discovery and admission of the EA came back in March. I always knew it was a lot more than he admitted to, and prayed that daily for complete revelation of the truth. Despite him promising not to have any contact with her after that initial d-day, he did, until mid may. That was the actual EA, and I just found out last week that the PA took part late Jan- mid march.
It took two months for him to come clean. We have read SAA toghether, and he is geniunely sorry, and wants to do whatever it takes to make our marriage 'awesome'. From what I've been reading on othr posts, I should consider myself one of the lucky ones. I sure don't feel that way. The affair is dead- that's what he tells me. He has nothing but regret. He wants to move forward together. We've started with a christian counselor (1 visit so far) we did the EN survey, he's been very loving and supportive, and understanding of my pain, and the bad days. I want to move on. I hate living in this misery.
My problem is this: I don't know how to go forward. I'm afraid to forgive him, thinking that he'll feel like "that wasn't so bad..." I don't really believe he is that kind of person, but I never thought he'd cheat, either. I am tortured by images of them together, I am plagued by the lies he told me, and the things he did. I don't know how to get this crap out of my mind. (that's all it is- crap) I know the cleansing power of the Spirit, and the love of my God. I am not as mature a christian that I would like to be, and I knwo that somehow, God will use this horrible tragedy to make me lean on Him more. I know that our marriage can be spectacular, despite what has happend, because that IS what we both want. But it's all head knowledge, and it's not in my heart. I am consumed by the pain, and the "how could you do this to me, to us?"
One more question....how do I ever find the courage to be intimate with him again? If I were to try right now, I would only be thinking of them being together, and wondering if he was thinking the same thing. I can't even imagin how our physical relationship will ever be restored.
I'm looking for answers- hopefully from someone who has gotten past where I am. Please, give me some direction. Prayer, scripture, and meditation seem so hollow right now. Perhaps because that's how I feel. Completely empty.
How do I pick up and move on?

Hi TTGIR!<p>Welcome to the board. I'm sorry that you are hurting.<p>My wife's affairs all happend over 12 years ago, but I just found out about 4 of them in Dec 00... so I'm still "recovering" myself.<p>I'd recommend getting the book "Torn Asunder" by Dave Cardner... great book and it has been a tremendous help for me. I've read the SAA and for me, it just didn't 'click' as well as Torn Asunder.<p>It's awesome that your husband has been so open and honest with you. I would caution you to protect yourself and make sure that his ACTIONS match what he is telling you. In other words, protect your feelings... He has broken your trust and his actions are what you should go by now... not what he says.<p>It will take time to heal the pain that you feel... I still feel pain and it's been over 12 years since my wife's last affair. But I can honestly say that the pain isn't nearly as intense and doesn't last nearly as long as it did when I first found out. <p>I'll let a female BS try to answer your question on your intimacy question...<p>To answer your question about how do you pick up and move on?... Please don't do what I did and bury all of this... You and your husband both have to deal with this together. If you just focus on 'moving on' and never deal with this, then it WILL resurface later in your marriage.<p>Best of luck in your recover...

Trying,<p>This is so very hard I know. D-Day for me was 3/7/02 so we're at about the same time frame of recovery. At this stage we're considered "new" still.<p>Like you, my H is committed to our marriage and making it the very best it can be. Reading the Harley books, journalling, and posting on this board has kept me sane.<p>Seeing a counselor is great too. You've only been once I believe; this takes time.<p>We have been doing counseling with Steve Harley. His coaching philosophy is one reason why we're doing well in recovery. You see he coaches my WH on a "Recovery Plan". The recovery plan being presented to me by my H has been the catalyst to our recovery. It is still so hard.<p>I cried during the first several times during sex because of the thoughts that were going through my head at the time. I don't know what could have been done differently to make this any easier. It was just plain hard; better now. <p>Safety and security were my biggest problems and SF helped me feel safe so the frequency was lots.<p>SH is also helping us with processing our EN questionnaires; so we have frequent homework assignments. Hope this helps you; CSue

Trying, I just noticed that you said that you recently found out about the PA. Yikes, that makes it very hard that he didn't come clean right from the beginning.<p>However, the fact that he did tell you about the PA is huge! Without complete honesty I don't think marriages have a chance of surviving. It took lots of courage for him to tell you; knowing it would hurt you worse. He deserves alot of credit for what you've read in SAA "Radical Honesty". <p>It was my H's reading of HN/HN that convinced him that he had to tell me as well. Although he waited so very long to tell me; I'm grateful that he did and am even to the point that I thank him for having the courage to do so. CSue

Hi TTGIT,<p>When I read your post I could relate to you entirely, although my husbands A started off as a friendship and led to a ONS which he regrets to the point of almost being physically sick and tells me he never intended it to go that far and I'm the only one he ever loved! Once I found out (which was not thru him but the OW husband)my H confessed everything to me. He begged me to work things out with him and was all for councelling and suggested that down the track we could renew our wedding vows. So here I am now still working thru the recovery with him and like u believing that God has allowed this to happen for a reason and that something good will come out of it! I to like u cant believe that my H has done this to our marriage and even he has a hard time understanding it although with our councelor we have addressed the issues which led to it happening, alcohol played a big part in it and my husband not recognizing the signs of a desperate young woman in a marriage where she was extremely unhappy. But like you and your H we both want our marriage to work and hopefully be even better than it was before. It is now 4mths since I found out and we have had alot of councelling in that time which has been great I also see a lady councelor on my own to deal with the personal issues especially making love. I still cry sometimes when we do it but my H has been very patient. I try to focus on the good memorys and pray like crazy when bad thoughts come into my mind I try not to see her and if I do I tell myself its me he wants to be with and he's here with me now not her! It is very hard and I think with time it will hopefully become easier. Sorry this was so long but I think coming to this site and knowing we are not the only ones going thru this helps alot. And I have to say if it wasn't for my faith in God I htink this we be so much harder!

Hi TTGIT,<p>When I read your post I could relate to you entirely, although my husbands A started off as a friendship and led to a ONS which he regrets to the point of almost being physically sick and tells me he never intended it to go that far and I'm the only one he ever loved! Once I found out (which was not thru him but the OW husband)my H confessed everything to me. He begged me to work things out with him and was all for councelling and suggested that down the track we could renew our wedding vows. So here I am now still working thru the recovery with him and like u believing that God has allowed this to happen for a reason and that something good will come out of it! I to like u cant believe that my H has done this to our marriage and even he has a hard time understanding it although with our councelor we have addressed the issues which led to it happening, alcohol played a big part in it and my husband not recognizing the signs of a desperate young woman in a marriage where she was extremely unhappy. But like you and your H we both want our marriage to work and hopefully be even better than it was before. It is now 4mths since I found out and we have had alot of councelling in that time which has been great I also see a lady councelor on my own to deal with the personal issues especially making love. I still cry sometimes when we do it but my H has been very patient. I try to focus on the good memories and pray like crazy when bad thoughts come into my mind I try not to see her and if I do I tell myself its me he wants to be with and he's here with me now not her! It is very hard and I think with time it will hopefully become easier. Sorry this was so long but I think coming to this site and knowing we are not the only ones going thru this helps alot. And I have to say if it wasn't for my faith in God I htink this we be so much harder!

to Rebuilding in faith 90....
I ordered 'Torn Asunder" from the Focus on the Family web site, and it should be here any day. We have the work book, but need the book, too. H has agreed to do both together. He needs to understand for himself, how he let this happen, and I need to understand that, too, among many other things.
When you say we have to 'deal with it' - how? I've asked all the questions that I really want answers to. I think there are some things I just don't want to know. The more I know, the more I have to live with. KNowing what I do is enough. He feels like talking about issues related to the A are just keeping it alive. I need to process and understand. It's just our individual styles, coupled with the roles we have in this, I'm sure.
Is 'dealing' still having bad days, and talking about plans prevent future failures, and is it ok to ask him "how can you live with yourself?' because I really wonder that sometimes.
Anyway...thanks for your support.
Oh...I know I didn't mention it in the original. But a lot of the PA part took place in his van- We sold it tonight!!!!!
God is good!

To CSue...
Reading and journaling are helping to get me through. It's hard to look back though. Especially to the early months of this year when I was clueless...<p>What is the "recovery Plan" and where can I learn more about it???<p>When I initially discovered that he was, what he called 'inappropriately involved on an emotional level', back in March, that is all he would admit to, and he was angry to the point of being nasty when I pushed the issue. I was extremely vigilant after that, picking up clues here and there, along with my very accurate intuition, I kept going until I got the truth.
Let me give you a brief time line...
-March 20, admission of 'inappropriate relationship" and promised to end all contact.
Efforts by both to make things better...got me pregnant. Things seemed really good.
-April 22 He admitted to ongoing emotional connection, talking with her frequently on the phone. Promised no further contact. Still no admission of PA
-May 20 He left pieces of a ripped up letter on the dining room floor. Reconstruction revealed a letter from 'her', declareing her love for him, and how great the last 3 months had been. I confronted him right away, still no admission.
-May 23, He admitted allowing her to provide him with oral gratification on a 'few' occassions between late Jan and Mid march. (in the van)
-May 29, I asked him point blank "how many times did you have sex" He said "just once", in late Jan or early Feb. He said he then developed a guilty conscience, and told her that that would not happen again.( yeah, don't even get me started...) <p>So there's a lot of lying, and a lot to forgive. "It" only happend once, and I believe that. I did get a Gardnerelle infection on Feb 8th. It is an STD. He's being treated now.
Anyhow...this helps clarify just exactly what I have to deal with. The ongoing denial and lies are just as bad as the act itself.
Thanks for your input!!!!!

Hi TTGIR,<p>What an encouragement that your H is willing to work with you in restoring your marriage!<p>What I meant by 'dealing with it' was that you BOTH need to process the affair... you both need to search for the reason for the affair, and you both need to grieve the losses that you've experienced because of the affair. <p>If you are comfortable with your husband's answers to your questions and don't feel the need to ask any more, then don't. Only YOU can decide what questions or how many questions you should ask. There's no 'set number' of questions to reach in order to process this... you are in control and must decide what you want to know about the affair. You will most probably have more questions later on (months later)... <p>You say that you've asked all of the questions that you really want answers to... It might be more appropriate to say that you've asked all of the questions that you really want answers to FOR NOW... Once you are past the initial 'just found out' stage and have processed your anger, you will be able to better focus some of your questions that you asked previously... And I'll be that you'll have more questions as well. <p>There's nothing wrong with getting clarification to previously asked questions. And there's nothing wrong with asking more questions. Again, YOU are the only one that can decide how much information is enough. <p>You mentioned that your husband "feels like talking about issues related to the A are just keeping it alive". I think that you'll find that like my wife, your husband will probably want to 'move on' from the questions much quicker than you do. <p>As a BS, I don't feel that there is ANY question that is 'off limits' for me... so I don't believe that asking your husband "how can you live with yourself" is inappropriate. However, if your husband is truly working on restoring your M, then asking this question would be a big LB... <p>You might want to rephrase your question to "I know that you are hurting because of what you've done, how can I help you deal with your pain?" <p>Take care of yourself. Please know that what you are feeling and going through right now all 'normal' feelings. Recovery is a long, painful process for both the WS and the BS... <p>
<p> [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Thanks, RIF 90. You're exactly right about that question. Thank-you for the insight!

Trying, I've copied and pasted with your post:<p>"Reading and journaling are helping to get me through. It's hard to look back though. Especially to the early months of this year when I was clueless... "<p>Yes, you&#8217;re right; it was a certain loss of innocence and trust that I see in my journal as well; and I have a lot of memories that are now tainted. Another coping strategy for me is walking. I am up to 3 miles/day and NEED to walk everyday; new addiction I guess!<p>
"What is the "recovery Plan" and where can I learn more about it??? "<p>I haven&#8217;t seen anything about the recovery plan listed anywhere on this web site; or any of the Harley books. It was something SH coached my WH to create. I wish my H would post here; he&#8217;s learned so much. Let me see what I can find for you.<p>"When I initially discovered that he was, what he called 'inappropriately involved on an emotional level', back in March, that is all he would admit to, and he was angry to the point of being nasty when I pushed the issue. I was extremely vigilant after that, picking up clues here and there, along with my very accurate intuition, I kept going until I got the truth."<p>This is such a tough time to be in. The very worst.<p>"Let me give you a brief time line...
-March 20, admission of 'inappropriate relationship" and promised to end all contact."<p>Did he tell you on his own; or did you discover initially?<p>"Efforts by both to make things better...got me pregnant. Things seemed really good."<p>Yikes pregnancy hormones on TOP of what you&#8217;re dealing with.<p>"-April 22 He admitted to ongoing emotional connection, talking with her frequently on the phone. Promised no further contact. Still no admission of PA
-May 20 He left pieces of a ripped up letter on the dining room floor. Reconstruction revealed a letter from 'her', declareing her love for him, and how great the last 3 months had been. I confronted him right away, still no admission."<p>This lack of complete honesty is very damaging.<p>"-May 23, He admitted allowing her to provide him with oral gratification on a 'few' occassions between late Jan and Mid march. (in the van)
-May 29, I asked him point blank "how many times did you have sex" He said "just once", in late Jan or early Feb. He said he then developed a guilty conscience, and told her that that would not happen again.( yeah, don't even get me started...) "<p>Have you read the Harley &#8220;No Contact&#8221; Letter? I highly recommend it; with no editing except of course the names. It can be found in Surviving An Affair.<p>"So there's a lot of lying, and a lot to forgive. "It" only happend once, and I believe that. I did get a Gardnerelle infection on Feb 8th. It is an STD. He's being treated now.
Anyhow...this helps clarify just exactly what I have to deal with. The ongoing denial and lies are just as bad as the act itself."<p>You are absolutely right&#8230;compounds the problem. My H is still learning that as well. There&#8217;s no hope when there isn&#8217;t complete honesty. I hope you&#8217;ve recovered from the STD.<p>I&#8217;ll look for info on the recovery plan re-post! Hope this helps! CSue

Trying,<p>I suspect that asking your H how he can live with himself would probably not work to your advantage. I agree with the previous posters that there's a better way to word the question that will give you the most peace!<p>I have some information on the Harley recovery plan; however it lacks in impact without hearing how SH coached my H on his presentation.<p>There are 3 steps.<p>1. Lay out what happened & why. (I presume regarding the A and giving all the info and details as I need to know.<p>2. Convey empathy (H says "I understand how my actions caused me to feel). He gives me details on how he perceives the A caused me pain.<p>3. He lays out a detailed plan - Rules and guidlines to prevent another affair from ever happening again.<p>That's it. I am sure there is alot more to it; just wasn't part of my coaching experience. However, when my H presented step 1 & 2 to me and we discussed it in detail; I felt the healing process begin.<p>H has to do step 3 and review it with SH before presenting to me. That will hopefully happen this month. In the meantime we have a homework assignment on the EN questionnaire that we each filled out and presented. I'll give you more information on this if you like as well.<p>Hope this helps! CSue

CSue~
We live in the counrty, and the neighbors recently repoted a mom bear and two cubs in their yard. I won't be walking for a while, not outside anyway!!! I do have a weight stack gym that I work out on every other day. I find that it does help.
Did he tell me on his own?.....No and yes.
Initially, I uncovered the facts of the EA on my own, with a lot of phone calls, and reviewing the cell phone bill (hate those things). He didn't even admit having feelings for her until May 23rd. All the while, I was watching him like a hawk, waiting for him to screw up, because I knew he was lying. He wrote me this long 4 page letter, which is bery unlike him, and told me that the whole truth was in it. After I read it, I was so angry, because it was noghting he hadn't already told me. I lost it, big time. I have the bad habbit of throwing things whenI get angry, and I was really anrgy. After I cooled down, I lay on his lap sobbing, and he then admitted the oral part. But it was like pulling teeth. He agreed to radical honesty on Sunday the 23rd. I just asked him out of the blue on the 29th about the sex, and he hasitated, tried to get around it, but did admit it. So getting the truth out of him was very difficult. I have been conversing with sadprincess also. Just from what I have said, she thinks he's still holding back on something. I had that feeling before she even said it. I asked him last night, and he denies that there is anything else. I've been lied to soo much, and been so suspicious for so long, it's become an unwelcome part of me. I don't like to be this way, and I wonder now, if I'm looking for things that aren't really there. Or is he just wanting me to let go.
Basically, it couldn't be much worse. There isn't a whole lot more he could tell me that would change anything. He had sex with someone else. Doesn't matter if it was only once. It hurts just the same. I suppose if he had kept going back, that would be worse. I don't know I don't want to seem like a nag, and keep pounding him with this. Harley says we're supose to discuss the affair, and then drop it, and move on. That's in SAA and Give and Take ( I read that today!)
No contact letter....He supposedly did that in person on May 24- before we had the book. That was actually the night I went out and bought SAA.He vows to have no further contact, and promises to tell me if there is any. He is at the 911 center for 8 hours, and she could call him there. He's at his police job for 8 hours at night, and she lives in that town. This couldn't be more challenging fo both of us. I don't know how to establish accountability. I feel like the only choice I have is to take him at his word. And if he screws up again, he's hung himself.
We did the EN survey and talked about it May 30th. Amazingly, we have the same top 6 needs, in the same order. How ofter does that happen??? We agreed to learn to become masters at meeting eachother's need.
Like I say, He seems sincere.
I'm really skeptical. I don't want to put myself out there to get hurt like this again. But If I don't give him a chance to prove he can be faithful, We'll never get anywhere. I have a tremendous opportunity to witness to him through this, to display a Christ-like attitude. I want to. I need to. But my 'taker' is bent on self-preservation.
I need my Torn Asunder book to get here. And we need to get back to our counselor. He's on vacation for a few weeks, and we can't get in again until the 20th.
My toddler's in bed asleep, and our unborn baby must have had a growth spurt today- I'm exhausted!!!
Do you think your husband is in a place to, or would be willing to be a mentor to mine? Don't feel pressured, just asking...

Trying, another copy & Paste!<p>(We live in the counrty, and the neighbors recently repoted a mom bear and two cubs in their yard. I won't be walking for a while, not outside anyway!!!)<p>It sounds like you live in a neat place! They are expecting bear problems in the foothills of the mountains where we live because of the drought conditions make for hungry bears because of little food.<p>(I do have a weight stack gym that I work out on every other day. I find that it does help.
Did he tell me on his own?.....No and yes.
Initially, I uncovered the facts of the EA on my own, with a lot of phone calls, and reviewing the cell phone bill (hate those things). He didn't even admit having feelings for her until May 23rd. All the while, I was watching him like a hawk, waiting for him to screw up, because I knew he was lying. He wrote me this long 4 page letter, which is bery unlike him, and told me that the whole truth was in it. After I read it, I was so angry, because it was noghting he hadn't already told me. I lost it, big time. I have the bad habbit of throwing things whenI get angry, and I was really anrgy. After I cooled down, I lay on his lap sobbing, and he then admitted the oral part. But it was like pulling teeth. He agreed to radical honesty on Sunday the 23rd. I just asked him out of the blue on the 29th about the sex, and he hasitated, tried to get around it, but did admit it. So getting the truth out of him was very difficult.)<p>Trying; hard as it was on both of you, I am glad he did come clean with the truth even though it was so difficult to get it all in a timely manner. That to me is the 1st sign that he was willing to take responsibility for his actions.<p>(I have been conversing with sadprincess also. Just from what I have said, she thinks he's still holding back on something. I had that feeling before she even said it. I asked him last night, and he denies that there is anything else.)<p>I too wondered about that as well for you. However I&#8217;m not sure any BS are a good judge of this because of what we&#8217;ve been exposed to by our WS deceit. Sadprincess is very wise; I&#8217;m glad she is helping you.<p>(I've been lied to soo much, and been so suspicious for so long, it's become an unwelcome part of me. I don't like to be this way, and I wonder now, if I'm looking for things that aren't really there.)<p>This is something I think will become clear as time goes on. With my H having his affair and keeping it a secret for 4 years; it was living the lie that became so damaging to him.
I too feel that I don&#8217;t have all of the information and truly don&#8217;t know if I am looking for things that aren&#8217;t there.<p>(Or is he just wanting me to let go.)<p>I don&#8217;t see any sign that he is wanting you to let go.<p>(Basically, it couldn't be much worse. There isn't a whole lot more he could tell me that would change anything. He had sex with someone else. Doesn't matter if it was only once. It hurts just the same. I suppose if he had kept going back, that would be worse. I don't know I don't want to seem like a nag, and keep pounding him with this. Harley says we're supose to discuss the affair, and then drop it, and move on. That's in SAA and Give and Take ( I read that today!)<p>Where we are fortunate is that our H&#8217;s are remorseful and want to save our marriages.
The incredible courage and pain that I see here on posts is remarkable as others are dealing with competing with the OP for their spouse. I can&#8217;t imagine what that must feel like. So where we don&#8217;t have that to deal with; we have to get educated on how to reinvent our relationships with our spouse so that we&#8217;ve healed.<p>We&#8217;re both new to the healing process and I don&#8217;t believe we&#8217;re at the stage where it&#8217;s time to move on from the A completely. SH says especially where there is continued contact with the OW. However I am reading Give/Take and am ready to move on as far as learning the new relationship skills that are in this book. Then there are times I have to go back and discuss the A.<p>
(No contact letter....He supposedly did that in person on May 24- before we had the book. That was actually the night I went out and bought SAA.He vows to have no further contact, and promises to tell me if there is any. He is at the 911 center for 8 hours, and she could call him there. He's at his police job for 8 hours at night, and she lives in that town. This couldn't be more challenging fo both of us. I don't know how to establish accountability. I feel like the only choice I have is to take him at his word. And if he screws up again, he's hung himself.)<p>I think you are right at taking him at his word. Especially if you are seeing him do the work that you&#8217;ve agreed to do on EN&#8217;s etc. I have the accountability issue to deal with as well. My H had the PA part of the affair during work hours. In fact I believe there are instances where he must have had to walk past me literally as he walked out the door of work to go meet her at her house. That&#8217;s incredibly painful because I had no clue.<p>(We did the EN survey and talked about it May 30th. Amazingly, we have the same top 6 needs, in the same order. How ofter does that happen??? We agreed to learn to become masters at meeting eachother's need.)<p>That is amazing and gives me peace for you. What a neat thing to discover and to hear him say that he is willing to become a master at meeting your needs!!!!!!<p>(Like I say, He seems sincere.)<p>Just watch to see if his actions back up his words.<p>(I'm really skeptical. I don't want to put myself out there to get hurt like this again. But If I don't give him a chance to prove he can be faithful, We'll never get anywhere. I have a tremendous opportunity to witness to him through this, to display a Christ-like attitude. I want to. I need to.)<p>And from everything I&#8217;ve heard and read; whatever goes unresolved with this relationship should you split you take with you to the next one. There is no benefit to not working through the process. You are right about having the chance to display a Christ-like attitude. It will take God&#8217;s strength to support us through the healing.<p>(But my 'taker' is bent on self-preservation.)<p>Yes, but that is your responsibility to work on that part of you.<p>(I need my Torn Asunder book to get here. And we need to get back to our counselor. He's on vacation for a few weeks, and we can't get in again until the 20th.)<p>Unfortunate timing on the counselor&#8217;s vacation!<p>(My toddler's in bed asleep, and our unborn baby must have had a growth spurt today- I'm exhausted!!!)<p>You are really going to have to concentrate on taking special care of yourself having both a toddler and being pregnant. My 2 boys are 19 months apart in age and I remember how difficult it was to be pregnant and have a toddler; I can&#8217;t imagine having to deal with an A on top of all of that. You seem to be doing well!!<p>(Do you think your husband is in a place to, or would be willing to be a mentor to mine? Don't feel pressured, just asking...)<p>I think it would be so good for my H if he was in a position to mentor your H. Especially since both he and your H want to save their marriages. However my H is pretty freaked out right now. He isn&#8217;t sleeping very well and is having lots of anxiety. He can&#8217;t even bear to read this discussion forum. I will keep it in mind for when the time is right! I&#8217;ll also try to think of some other posters who might be good at this. <p>One couple that are working together on MB principles and are both posters are FORMERLYHOPELESSONE (BS) and her H LOVEHERMADLY. They have been very helpful to me and others.<p>Also justlearning is very wise. CSue

TTGIR,<p>Do you think your husband is in a place to, or would be willing to be a mentor to mine? Don't feel pressured, just asking...<p>Not sure if your husband would be interested in talking with a BS... I have a male friend that is a WS and he and I are accountability partners... This works well for both of us since we can provide each other with the opposite perspective of the affairs. Additionally, my wife has the comfort/security of knowing that I'm not talking about our marriage problems with someone of the opposite sex (Very dangerous and I don't even want to go there!!!)<p>I'd be glad to "talk"/e-mail with your husband... <p>Take care,
RIF 90

...sorry, my e-mail address is RIF90@msn.com

Today is a bad day. I don't know why. I just woke up feeling the weight of the whole thing this morning. It's like I have no control.
CSue~
When you talk about other BS competing for their own spouse, we aren't there. Not technically. But in SAA, Harley says we need to find out what need the other person filled, and learn to fill it. I feel like I have to try to be like her in order for him to be happpy. I know that's probably not what Harley meant, but it's how I feel. Besides that, I asked H what need she met, he couldn't say it was any of them. Just that their relationship was free of the worries and difficulties married people have to deal with every day. It was an escape I guess. I don't know if I accept that to be the whole truth of it. I don't know that I have a choice, either. But in a way, I feel like I do have to 'win him back', from her. Make sense? No, not nearly as hard as if they were still in a PA, like some on this site seem to be struggling with. I don't know if I would have the strength to do that. God must have known...
I wonder about continued contact. He said this morning, without me asking, that there has not been any.
I need to put my 'taker' in it's place. I know that will take a tremendous amount of strength and determination, neither of which I have much of right now. I have never trusted God as I should. I've had a hard time with trust all my life, going back to age 9 (My sister and I were both sexually assaulted by an old man down the street from us. We were too afraid to tell our mom, so she kept making us go see him for 2 years, once a week. It was horrible) Yes, I've dealt with that. But the issue of trust with God has never been fully dealt with. This is a cross road for me. Big time. ANd I know that. I just feel completely powerless, as well I am. Only He can get me through this. I know. But how do I internalize it? How do I make it real?<p>I don't know how my H would feel about this, but if your H ever wanted to just talk to another WS in the same place....who knows what they could figure out together. I'll check out those other names you mentioned. Like I said, I don't know if my H would even be willing. He knows I go here and write, and I know he'd love to sit and read this, which I wouldn't have a problem with at all, but I wish he'd come on here and find other WS to talk to . He's so reluctant to work through this in his mind, or with me, to figure out the 'why and how' of it. He just wants to move on. To me, that's dangerous. Just setting up for more failure, if you fail to fully comprehend where you went wrong the first time around. Perhaps I'm too analytical. <p>My unborn baby....I can't eat much lately, I've lost 30 # since March, 10# since I got pregnant. I just can't eat. People have morning sickness and do the same thing, and their babies are generally ok, so that doesn't concern me too much. But what is this child coming in to? What will it's family be like? What legacy will it's daddy leave? Will it's mommy be able to forget about the time it was conceived? No, it's not the baby's fault, but will I be stuck there (here) because of the timeing of everything. I will love this child with all my heart, don't get me wrong. But will it keep the past alive? Or will it bring something beautiful out of something very ugly? I need Gods help to see it that way. Pray for me.
It's a bad day.

RIF90~ I will ask my H about contacting you. I think it would be good for him, and helpful to him in figuring out the why's and how's of the A. He needs to do this. I will give him you e-mail address. Thank-you for offering!

Hi TTGIR,<p>I'm so sorry that you are hurting today. I still have days like that myself. <p>The turmoil and hopelessness that you feel right now is all completely 'normal' at this stage. (Assuming that you just found out this past March). <p>I don't really see this as a 'competition' between me and the OM since my wife and I have jointly decided to work on our marriage together. I don't think that it's very healthy to focus on competing with your husband's OW (looks, manerisms, etc.) since in all reality, you (and I) both lost the competition as evidenced by our spouses affair(s). <p>That being said, I believe that you should focusing on learning what your husband's top 5 Emotional Needs and work on filling them. <p>Besides that, I asked H what need she met, he couldn't say it was any of them. Just that their relationship was free of the worries and difficulties married people have to deal with every day. It was an escape I guess.
I think that we all would like a "break" from the everyday stress and strife of a 'normal' marriage. The problem comes when we feel the need for a break, but we aren't honest enough with ourselves or our spouses to tell them of our needs/desires. That is one of the things that I'm learning now... we both have to be honest with our feelings and communicate them to each other.<p>[B]I wonder about continued contact. He said this morning, without me asking, that there has not been any. I need to put my 'taker' in it's place. I know that will take a tremendous amount of strength and determination, neither of which I have much of right now.[B] I know how hard this is... that's why you have to SEE their actions and not go by their words. Thank your husband for being 'open' enough to tell you that there is no contact, but then ask him if he can think of any ways to SHOW you that there's no contact (i.e., computer passwords, cell phone passwords/bills, etc.) If he's truly working on restoring the marriage then I'll bet that he will jump at the chance to "earn" your trust. But again, watch what he DOES...not what he SAYS.<p>It's been so good for me to talk with my friend (he was the WS)... I get a totally diferent perspective on the Affairs, and it helps me to relate to some of the "crazyness" that I sometimes feel. It's perfectly 'normal' for the WS to want to 'move on'... or for us BS to 'just get over it'.... so don't be too discouraged when he says those things.<p>[B]But what is this child coming in to? What will it's family be like? What legacy will it's daddy leave? Will it's mommy be able to forget about the time it was conceived? No, it's not the baby's fault, but will I be stuck there (here) because of the timeing of everything. I will love this child with all my heart, don't get me wrong. But will it keep the past alive? Or will it bring something beautiful out of something very ugly? I need Gods help to see it that way. Pray for me.
It's a bad day.[B]
Keep your focus on Christ and trust Him to take care of your future. You and your husband have some hard work ahead of you, but from all appearances, it seems that you BOTH are committed toward the same goal. <p>You and your husband will be in my prayers... Stay strong and realize that this is a very long process... You can do this.<p>RIF90

If the hopelessness is a normal part of the process, how long does it 'normally' last?
I asked my H last night, vie an e-mail because he was at work, to do the recovery plan that csue brought up earlier. I asked him first to lay it all out. Either through spoken or written word. We both find it easier to write when the words are difficult to say. All of the info about the A that he has given me has been fragmented, and it has always been me, pulling the truth out of him. I need to know the story. Not all the details. But I need a synopsis. So I can try to understand this. I'm starting to think I never will understand this. And that this behavior is completely not understandable because it is so irrational. We haven't talked about it yet, btu I asked that we do this no later than tomarrow. I hate dragging things out. I've told him all along, I need to know what happend. What happens to him if he either refuses to process this, come to terms with what happend , and move on that way, or if he just can't do that. He's so determined to sweep this under the rug. I need to know he understands what happend, and why, to the best of his ability. I really need that plan. Thw written plan as to how to avoid this in the future. My H is a very charming person. (Part of what attracted me to him) but he doesn't know how or when to turn it off. Most of his friends, all his life, have been female. His dad was around, but distant, and not really involved withhim when he was growing up. He needs some good christian male friends. But he has none. There is no one in his occupation in our area that fits this bill. And he really doesn't want to involve our families....
Which brings me to another question...Back in March, when I first learned of the EA, He 'confided' in his father (who is now born again and a wonderful man)that he was friends with the OW, and that's all they were, and that I was having a major problem with that, and was there anything wrong with what he was doing. Well, of course his dad said no. He knows we're having problems. But I'm pretty sure he thinks it's my insecurity and inability to trust my H. I want him to come clean with his dad. Is it right for me to feel this way?
He wants as few people as possible to know about this. I don't want to put it in the local paper )I care about his reputation) but I don't think pretense is healthy. I think his dad should know, at least. Help me out on this one.
Focusing on his EN...Yes, I'm trying to. Problem is, he can't tell me how he wants them met. We did the survey, we talked about it, but every time he talked about a particular need, I would ask him" How can I better meet this need for you." ANd he'd say "You're doing just fine, I can't think of anything else you can do." I need his help to become a master at this. Is he unwilling to share or am I doing that good of a job? Not right now. It takes all the strength I have just to get up in the morning and function. I'm not doing all I should, because I feel empty. I feel like is I just smile through the day, even when I'm hurting, and be the perfect little wife, that it's pretense- a lie. Not honest. I'm struggling with making sense of this. SAA says we're to do this. I don't get it.<p>He needs to prove he's trustworthy, absolutely. I do have access to his e-mail. And the cell phone. But the bills only come once a month. He has other phones at work. He could have other e-mai accounts I know nothing about. Here's where we come back to trust. I know I need to just trust him, because to do anything else would drive me insane. I think I just need to pick a day, and say, "Starting today...I trust him." And then trust God to take care of me no matter what happens. That's what I need to do. Maybe today....<p>Thanks, everybody, for your honesty, support, prayer, and christain love. God is working here. That's so obvious.