{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUG}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<p>Hang in there, I know how you feel and it hurts me to read your words. I just want you to know that this pain is not going to last forever and you will begin to feel some peace as time goes on, trust me I've been there too.
I can't say too much right now because I am at work but I want to give you a passage from the book of Philipians 4:4-9,<p>4Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! 5Let your gentleness be
evident to all. The Lord is near. 6Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything,
by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. 7And the
peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your
minds in Christ Jesus.
8Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is
pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything is excellent or
praiseworthy--think about such things. 9Whatever you have learned or received or
heard from me, or seen in me--put it into practice. And the God of peace will be with
you. <p>Even God wants you to think of the good times.
Think about when you first met your husband and the way he made you feel. Didn't he make you feel special? What were you doing back then that made him find you special? These are some of the things that you and your husband need to find again and you can. Think about your child and the joy you to shared when you started a new family.<p>Understand that your WS is probably still going through withdrawls and true recovery is yet to come. Be patiant and try not to expect too much too fast. Find peace in the Lord and you will overcome!<p>Later today I will give you more scripture to address the issue of feeling "hopless". I assure you, there is hope. <p>I am praying for you right now!!!<p>God Bless
Stillhurts

Thank-you for the hug, and the scripture. I'm easily distracted from the important things these days. The devil is always at work.
And the pregnancy hormones are unforgiving.<p>Funny thing....last night we talked about what first attracted me to him (we didn't get to what attracted him to me- it was getting late and we were both exhausted) And quite honestly (and I told him this) besides his good looks and his wonderfully charming personality, initially, it was the fact that my mother adored him. My mom and my H were friends before I ever met him. She had nothing but good things to say about him, and she had a great respect for him. My mom never liked anyone that I ever dated, so the fact that she liked this guy was a big plus. There was more than just that, obviously. We had a lot in common (or so I thought). We both worked for the local ambulance service, and enjoyed the medical field (I'm an RN, he's an EMT) We had the same ideals about family and basic values, we were raised in similar environments. We both enjoy outdoors type stuff. I like to help him fix things (the car, truck, tractor, lawn mower- whatever's broken down) and learn how things work.
Anyhow--- there was a lot. And in my mind and heart, that stuff is all there yet. Neither of us has changed that much.
Our first 2 /12 years together laid the foundation for some of our difficulties now. We never dated. We sat at his place or mine and waited for the ambulance pager to go off (for him, not me. I was never that dedicated) EMS was #1 in his life (not mine), and not me. (and not God) After I got pregnant and before we were married, he bought a heard of dairy cows. They took first place in his life. After the baby was born (extrememly difficult delivery) he sold the cows because there was no time for family life with an 8 hour day at the barn and a full time job besides. Dairy cows were his life long dream. I had moderate post partum depression for the first year of my sons life. No one would acknowlege it, not even my doctor. I cried out for help a few times, but no one seemed to listen.
After the cows left, his career in law enforcement and 911 dispatching became 1st in his life. The there was his friends and relatives. If anyone needed anything, he was there to help. Except me. I was last, all the time.
He admits to this now. And wants to make things different. He says I'm #1. So then I go and confuse him and tell him I want to be #2- behind God.
OUr entire relationship is one big struggle. I rarely challenged the things he placed as priorities over me because a man's work is important to him, and I never wanted to diminish that or appear disrespectful. This did back fire on me. The lack of commitment to me and to our relationship caused a total loss of respect for him on my part, which, in the end, caused an unfulfilling environment in our marriage for my H.<p>See, I've (mostly) figured things out on my end. I just wish I could get inside his mind. <p>He is sharing his feelings more. And I KNOW this is something he has NEVER done, with me anyway. So I am trying to be gentle and patient as he learns. But what he said at MC was really hurtful.
We talked about that last night, too. I told him that I posted here about that. And he wanted me to clarify something. At MC, he thought we were talking specifically about the area of conversation. He thought that what he said was this; We (he and I) don't have anything in common (to talk about). {OW} and he had a lot in common (to talk about).
Now.......I took this in this way...If you don't have anything in common to talk about, you don't have anything in common. Because everything is something you can talk about. He said last night that he didn't mean it that way. but now he can see why I took it that way. I'd like to give him credit for an honest mistake, but I am having a hard time seeing his original comment as anything but what it was- "We have nothing in common...." How can one think about this any other way. If there is anyone out there who can objectively clear this up for me, and him, I would appreciate it.

We took our son to the children's museum yesterday afternoon with my H's parents. They wanted to lie about his age, so we would not have to pay for him to get in. I was furious. Now I know where the dishonesty comes from. These people are supposedly upright, committed christians. Their actions lend a new understanding, however....I know now where me husband got his bent for dishonesty.
I did confront them, via email. No response yet.

(my internet server keeps kicking me off)
Anyhow....
Today is a better day. (so far)
I'm trying to be positive.
But really, there has been very little joy in my lfe for the last 21 years (I'm only 30).
My H said last night that it is his goal to change that from here on.
He's sincere.
How do I let go of this pain?
How do I forgive him?

Trying,<p>Honestly I think overall you're doing pretty good. Everything you say you are feeling sounds very normal to me. Your H sounds normal as well.<p>I had to laugh about the in-laws, wanting to lie about your child's age so he could get in free. Sheesh, amazing isn't it? My H also grew up in an environment where lying was a strategy!<p>It sounds to me like you are making progress. I wish there was a way to fast forward through the pain; but there's not. It has to be felt and worked through.<p>Have you considered filling out the Emotional Needs questionnaire? One of the things I like about it is that it refocuses your attention back to you. What are your emotional needs? How do you feel they are being met or not met? <p>Keep posting, venting etc. You're posting to an accepting understanding audience!! CSue

ttgir,
I am glad to hear that today is feeling a little better. I remember it well, the feeling of hopelessness. God teaches us in Romans 5:1-5 that we should rejoice in our sufferings.
[img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Romans 5
Peace and Joy <p>1Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we[1] have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, 2through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we[2] rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. 3Not only so, but we[3] also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; 4perseverance, character; and character, hope. 5And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. <p>
Do you see the order in which God is describing the results of suffering? 1)Suffering
2)Perserverance 3)Character 4)Hope!! It teaches us perseverance which basicly means, to stick to a task or purpose no matter how hard or troublesome. Perseverance in turn builds character in us which is somthing that God can use when we become obedient to Him and begin to share with others the changes that He has made in us. With that said, then comes hope, and hope does not disapoint us.
Too many times while we are going through trials and sufferings, we loose site of HOPE and we find ourselves giving up in the character building stages because we feel hopeless. So always remember that God has a plan for you and as you lean on Him for comfort, remember that your character is being built up bigger and better than you can imagine right now.<p>Revelation 12:11
They (we) overcame him (Satan) by the blood of the Lamb (Jesus) and by the words of their testimony... <p>You will see that in time your testimony will be healing words to someone that is in your shoes today. There is nothing that would please Satan more than to destroy your family and it is for this reason that I am taking time to try and help you because nothing pleases me more than seeing the works of Satan go down the toilet. [img]images/icons/tongue.gif" border="0[/img] God has a plan for you so listen to Him, read His word and pray for wisdom and peace. God has a strange way of doing things sometimes, thats why its said that Gods wisdom exceeds all understanding. <p>I hope this helps you. When I get a chance I'll talk to you about forgiveness, thats a big one.<p>
[img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God Bless<p>SH<p>[ June 22, 2002: Message edited by: stillhurts ]<p>[ June 23, 2002: Message edited by: stillhurts ]</p>

Hi TTGIR,<p>Sorry it's taken me so long to get back with you... My MIL came in yesterday to watch the kids for us.... We're taking a trip to San Antonio on Monday and she's going to 'baby sit' for us. It will be a nice break away from the kids!<p>I read your post on having nothing in common to talk about... Here's my 'take' on this: Right now, both you and your H are committed to changing your M. From your H perspective, you don't have much "in common" to talk about. You both have lots of shared memories and as you mentioned, you enjoy doing many of the same things. <p>I think that it's so awesome that your H is committed to making your M better... I sure wish that my wife had been as committed earlier in our M... I do understand how your H most probably meant that you and he don't have anything to talk about now... but that he didn't mean that you have nothing in common. I agree with you that he could have, most probably should have... conveyed that to you in a more tactful way. Remember that you are BOTH having to learn new ways to communicate with each other... The "old" way (pre-affair / during the affair) didn't work. <p>You are doing such a wonderful job with this as evidenced by your posts here... There's nothing wrong with ANY of the feelings that you've felt... The pain, hurt, humiliation, confusion, and hopelessness that you've told us about is all 'normal'. What's so amazing to me is the fact that you are working thorough each of those feelings and you keep coming back after you've thought about it for a while. Like I've said many times before, I'm not a counselor, but I think that at some time in the future, your H is going to realize just what an awesome, godly wife he has and it's just going to blow him away! <p>You are working on the things that you can control... the rest, well, you just have to turn it over to God and let him carry your load.<p>I think that as you and your H continue to work through all of this that you will find that you do have things in commont to talk about. Remember, the old marriage that you had before the affair is dead and gone... the communications styles that you BOTH used didn't work.... You are both learning new ways to communicate with each other.<p>Keep going to your MC... I'm sure that there will be other 'painful' sessions, but stay strong and realize that it WILL get better!!! <p>We've been praying for you and your H... Stay strong and know that you are doing exactly what you need to do...<p>Take care,
RIF90

TTGIR,
I totaly agree with Rebuilding, you both will learn new ways to communicate and the old relationship is gone. The good news is the new relationship with each other can be better than your wildest dreams but it will take work, perservirance and above all, time and patience.
I remember when we were in your shoes, my WS told me the exact thing. "We have nothing in common...nothing to talk about...." I found out the reason was because there was a wall built between us over many years. I wasn't meeting her needs and she wasn't meeting mine. We compromised and as a result became roommates with children. Then some slug came along [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] and started to meet her needs, bla bla bla... After d-day and the A ended, it took time for that wall to be dismantled. With a good plan A I was able to get her to find comfort in being with me and talking to me about things I used to not care about. I began to validate her where as before I would blow her off with a "ya ya ya, what ever you say..." and go on with what intrested me not her.
This is all part of the work involved with rebuilding and creating a new relationship. Baby steps, baby steps, this is not going to happen over night, this is the hard part.
My wife also couldn't say this at first but it is coming out now, early on she carryed so much guilt for what she did and the pain that it caused me that she had a hard time looking at herself in the mirror for a long time because she hated what she saw. From this it also made it hard to talk to me because she felt like she didn't deserve my love after all the pain she caused. What happens is a natural response from the brain that causes the WS to withdrawl from you. I hear this from many WS. Its another stumbling block for recovery but it is normal and does pass with time. This is why it is so important to establish a good plan A. By avoiding conflict, confrontation (like the Musem deal), talk about the A (I think you know enough now) and in general, anything that would repel him from you, you will slowly but surely draw him closer to you and he will find comfort in sharing all topics with you and you will have more in common than you ever new. I know its happening to me now!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] The brain also produces a chemical when people make them feel good, this is a proven fact. It will happen to him too. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
I also agree that he is making posative statments that should be encourageing to you. Go with it. <p>You're doing good!!!<p>SH

The A ended one month ago today.
This brings a lot of feelings to the surface- "It's only been one month....feels like a life time..." and "wow, it's already been a month...."
I hate roller coasters.<p>We did our EN survey almost a month ago. Mine reflected that he had not benn meeting my top 7 needs at all since we were married. His showed that I have done a fairly good job. We have the same top 6 in the same order. Since doing the survey... He's doing a better job. I feel like I'm doing less of a job. I feel like I have too much to deal with to try to od it all at once- change me, rescue the marriage, be pregnant, care for my 2 year old, and deal with my MIL. (an added stress I did NOT need now)
My H is being the 'strong one ' now.
He's in a tough spot. His mom admitted that what was done at the museum was wrong, but she's furious with me for giving her this message via email. I had my H's support and agreement with the email before I sent it. He read it. She called and ripped me limb from limb an the phone with my H, and then sent him a copy of the email I sent him (like he hadn't seen it, and she was going to show him just what I did) Her actions here were an attempt to be devisive. She also called my H's brother and his wife and got them in on it, too. Now they won't even be civil toward me. The whole thing is way blown up and is adding stress that my H and I don't need right now. But I feel like if I back down and say "Yes, MIL, you're right, I'm wrong..." Everyone has always been that way with MIL. No one has ever dared to cross her, or challenge her, or take issue with anything she does. She's usually very sweet, but can be a pushy, domineering witch if she doesn't get her way.
I don't need this right now. I have enough to deal with. Part of the problem is that she has no clue why this upset me so much (her style with honesty obviously contributed to my H's lack of honesty in his life) and my H is unwilling to clear this up with her, because he doesn't want to deal with the shame and guilt. So I get to be the bad guy to protect his feelings, or I give in on a very important principle to keep peace in his family.
I don't like the corner I'm in. It's not fair. I don't feel like I created this situation. I'm not one to give in on principles such as honesty and steeling, and murder and adultery (you know- the 10). If I give now, I may as well give up on them all together.<p>Walls- my H has walls he constructed long before we met. And there are some new ones since. He says he's working on them. I wish we could go away from 'life' for a month and just work on us. <p>I have a crabby 2 year old...must go.....

TTGIR,
Hang in there, this too shall pass. [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]
You are in a tuff spot with MIL, oh how I know how that goes... [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]
In your state now I would avoid confrontations with her at all costs, thats all you need right now is an angry MIL. I totaly understand how you feel about this issue because it bugs me too. So many people call themselves "Christians" and they don't even know what they are actualy saying. The word "Christian" means someone that is Christ Like. The Apostels were called Christians by the Jews as a way to make fun of them, they were mocking them saying "look at the little Christs..." (I think its in Acts 15) So this is why I am very carful to call myself Christian because I am in fact calling myself "Christ Like". [img]images/icons/shocked.gif" border="0[/img]
Instead I call myself a "decsiple" (learner) of Jesus. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]
I also found this to be helpful, when ever I am faced with a situation like you were in, I think "how can I be Christ like in this situation and do it with love". Then I just try to set a good example with a smile on my face.
I hope your day is good. <p>God Bless<p>SH<p>P.S. One more thing, when someone else says "you must be a Christian" that to me is the best complement anyone could give because His likness is showing through you!!! [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]<p>[ June 24, 2002: Message edited by: stillhurts ]</p>

I'm feeling a lot of anger right now. I'm sure some of it has to do with the MIL situation. But yesterday (being 1 month after the end of his relationship with her) was hard. The whole next year is going to be hard. Every day I wake up, and I wonder 'how am I ever going to get past this?' 'how do people live with this?' <p>The in'laws are coming over tonight to 'discuss' things. I talked to my sis-in-law last eve. I told her that my H and I are dealing with some issues about honesty, and that we are in MC. Prior to me telling her that, she was very cold with me. Afterwards, she said she understood a whole lot better why I reacted the way I did. She also told me that my MIL called her and railed on me, and my MIL forwarded my email to them as well. This upsets me.
My H has made it pretty clea that he has no intention of telling them anything about why I am so sensitive to manipulation of truth right now. I told him last night, that maybe if his parents would have valued the truth more when he was growing up, that he would value it more, and maybe wouldn't have had an A. No, I know his parnets aren't to blame for his A. But they are just as responsible for creating an environment as I am.
But my H isn't going to allow these facts to come out. He's going to let me take the fall for what he did, to save himself the embarrassment and shame. I'm angry about this. I feel he's being selfish and completely insensitive to my needs and feeling. I didnot create this situation. But I have to pay for it over and over again for the rest of my life.<p>Maybe I'm wrong, but I don't have anything to apologize for tonight (to my mil) and I will not back down from my convictions. <p>I'm angry that my H has allowed this thing to get so out of hand. I have a hard enough time getting out of bed each day. Dealing with the A is way more than I need right now. And put his mother on top of all this (you'd have to know her to really appreciate that) it just doesn't look to have a real positive outcome.

ttgir,
I totaly understand your anger. You said... <p>"His mom admitted that what was done at the museum was wrong, but she's furious with me for giving her this message via email. I had my H's support and
agreement with the email before I sent it. He read it."<p>Why is she furious at you? Your husband was all for the e-mail too. What are they coming over to discuss? How bad you are? Good grief. If I were you I would NOT put myself in the middle of what is clearly there problem not yours. Like I said before, all you can do is show love as hard as it may be to do with somone like your MIL. Remember that you are not going to change anybody but you can and will change things about yourself. In doing so others will be more apt to change. You might want to think about apoligising to MIL [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] (I know thats hard sometimes) if it was the e-mail that hurt her. Explain to her that in the future you will aproach her differently. Do this in a loveing way and then leave it at that. Again you are not going to change who they are but by the way that you react to their behavior can and will speak to there heart and thats where it counts. <p>JMHO<p>SH<p>[ June 25, 2002: Message edited by: stillhurts ]</p>

Well.............it didn't go so well. Turns out MIL has all kinds of issues. She's got issues. I won't get into them. In short, after a lot of emotion, I told her that my H and my problems were becuase of dishonesty, and that there is a lot they don't know about going on with us, and that I don't expect them to understand or be happy about it, but this is the way it is right now. We were pretty much in the middle of our discussion when my sister called to tell us that we were under a tornado warning. OUr son was at my H's aunt's, so I left to get him right away. While I was gone, my H told his mom that there was another woman. As far as I know, that's all he said. We really didn't get a chance to discuss things much last evening. When I got back home (about 20 minutes later) MIL and FIL left abruptly. (not due to the weather) SO a lot of things are left unfinished.
They were somewhat satisfied with my expanation of what was wrong, and I didn't, at that point, expect my H to go into detail. Only if they were really unreasonable would I have asked for that.
So who knows what's next.<p>It just goes to show how deeply the effects of an A run. They affect everyone in the family, in some way. I just wish my H would allow family the opportunity to support him. <p>Me? I wake up with a headache most days. The stress of this all is getting the best of me. I'm trying, for my H's sake, to be as positive and upbeat on these last few days of his vacation. It's been a working vacation- siding the house. But he's been home. It's been ok. Maybe even close to good. I feel like I'm just burying a lot of feelings and emotions, and maybe at some point, a person just has to do that. How else do you deal with them? Trying to process feelings, and trying to understand this A with little success......I still don't know how to forgive him. I still don't know how we can ever have a 'normal' relationship. I still don't know how I will ever trust him again. It will come with time....no. Things like that don't just happen. Stuff has to change. Work has to be done. What do I do? What's the work? How and where do I start? Will these questions ever end?

ttgir,
I feel your pain like you can't belive. I remember it like it was yesterday. I reread your first post and it does sound encouraging that your husband wants to work things out and make things awsome, even better than before. You have a good start in that you have God in your heart and in my honest opinion, God will play the biggest part in your recovery.
Forgiveness is so hard because you have been betrayed in the absolute worst possable way. I remember my counsler telling me that the pain that you are feeling now is actualy worse than the death of a close family member and I can understand that because you are going to have to live this for a long time.
Forgivness is a choice. It is not a one time choice, it is a choice that you will have to make over and over and over again. Every time you are faced with a reminder that hurts, you have to say to yourself "I forgave" and move on. Satan is going to mess with you ruthlessly in the comeing months and it is because he wants your marraige to fail!!! Rebuke him in the name of JESUS!!!
What helped me was to picture in my mind, Jesus getting down on his hands and knees, turning over and laying down on that cross without a fight. Looking over at the Roman Solder and saying "Father, FORGIVE him for he knows not what he does" <p>That makes me cry just to write this.....<p>I know its hard......<p>Stillhurts

I had just found out that my wife of 15 years was involed with a man that I had known for many years. His daughter was my daughters best friend. They had been in a full blown A for nearly 2 years before I caught them. I was devistated. I was on the brink of suicide. I couldn't eat, sleep, work, or function as a normal person for a good 2 months. I never thought a man could cry as many tears as I cryed. I then cryed out to God and begged Him to save me and my family. He told me that things had to change in my life and that I had to forgive. It wasn't until I chose to forgive that healing could begin. It was so hard but I knew that it had to be done or else my family would be broken and it would never survive. Jesus taught us that we must pray to our Father to "forgive us our trespasses as WE FORGIVE those who trespass against us"
Luke 6:37 Forgive and you shall be forgiven.
When I chose to forgive my wife, it felt like a huge burden was lifted from my shoulders. As time went on though, I was hounded with triggers (reminders) of the A and worse the OM. I finally realised that it was the OM that I had to forgive also in order to move forward. [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img]
This took alot of soul searching but I did do it (in my heart, not to his face) and again, an even bigger burden was lifted from my shoulders.
I know this is alot to swallow but this is what happend with me. I pray that you will find strength and wisdom from our Lord and that He will help you to find forgivness in your heart. I also encourage you to talk to your husband about this and tell him that this is so hard for you. If and when you do find it in your heart to forgive, expaine this to your husband so that he can truly understand the importance of your decision and the dificulty that you have been having with this issue.
I hope this helps. <p>God Bless<p>SH<p>[ June 26, 2002: Message edited by: stillhurts ]</p>

Hi TTGIR,<p>The in-law "thing" is a really tricky issue... we were overseas when all of my wifes A happened, so most of the interaction with other family was over the phone... only 'advice' I can give is if your in-laws don't support you, then don't share any more information with them... this is between you and your H... not you, your H and his parents.<p>For me, I do wish that my wife had been more 'protective' of my feelings and had been honest with her parents. She wasn't at that point then... she's coming around now and understands my need for protection regarding how other family members view the A's... In other words, my wife is now willing to "own up" to her part of the A's to our families and not "blame" me... that's what I mean by "protecting" my feelings.<p>I'm glad that you have enjoyed spending time with your H... enjoy the good days. I know what you mean about burying your feelings and emotions... I actually got pretty good at doing so over the last 12 years... I would say that it's definitely OK to enjoy spending time with your H and that when you do, that you are NOT burying your feelings. It's OK to "take a break" from talking about the A. It's OK to just have a "fun" day or so when you both feel like it... You will know when you've "processed" the A enough.<p>I know that you still have doubts as to whether you and your H will ever have a 'normal' relationship... and still wonder if you can ever trust him again. I can honestly say that yes, you can have a 'normal' relationship with your H... in fact, if both of you are committed to working through all of this, you can have an even stronger relationship. And yes, you will be able to trust your H again.<p>You are doing exactly what you need to be doing... here are some of my thoughts on what "work" needs to be done: keep going to MC... keep looking for the "reasons" for the A, and try to change the climate/tone of your M to prevent that from ever happening again... learn to communicate in an open, honest way with each other so that if either of you are ever tempted to have an A, that you will go to your spouse FIRST and share your feelings with each other rather than someone else... You are both having to re-learn how to communicate and relate to each other. I think that you are well on your way in learning how to do this... <p>I'm not sure if the questions will ever end... I still have "questions" pop up from time to time... but I've gotten to a point where I can honestly evaluate my "question" without blasting my wife. I've found that now, on most of the questions, that I've 1) either already asked it or 2) I realize that the answer really isn't all that important and that if I ask it, the question will only hurt my wife... so to answer your question of "will these questions ever end?"... In a way, yes they will end, because you will eventually come to a point where the answers just aren't all that important to you.<p>Lastly, remember that forgiveness is a process... you can only forgive what you know... I wish that I could forgive as Christ forgives... immediately and forever... but I can't. I CAN choose to forgive, and I have done that. Each time my wife asks me for forgiveness, I gladly do so. Regarding forgiving the OM (the OW in your case)... I have chosen to forgive them WHEN they ask for my forgiveness... I can't forgive them right now since none of the OM have ever come to me and asked for my forgiveness. Forgiveness is a choice... but you have to know what you are forgiving and the OP has to ask for it.<p>Hope this helps.... Take care... we're praying for you.<p>RIF90

RBIF90,
Well said!!<p>I wonder if I have honestly forgiven OM [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]
I think I had to make that choice because the anger and pain was so deep that I was having a real hard time moving ahead. It did help me because it was a way to convince myself that I was waisting my time dwelling on all the bad thoughts. Reminding myself that I forgave my wife (at first many times a day) also helped me to get past the ugly thoughts. <p>TTGIR,
We are praying for you!! How are you doing???<p>SH

SH,<p>For me, being willing to forgive the OM was the ONLY thing that I could do.... I can't forgive them until they ask for forgiveness.... This was also the only way that I was able to rid myself of the hate that I felt toward them.<p>I still occasionally have "negative" thoughts towards the OM, but I just recognize those hateful/hurtful thoughts, then tell myself that if one of the OM came up to me and asked me to forgive him... that I would forgive them. Until that time happens, I'm willing to forgive and I'm giving all of my anger and hatred over to Christ since He can do a MUCH better job than I in punishing them.... [img]images/icons/cool.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Take care,
RIF90

How am I doing....???? Good question.
I heard and taped an excellent serom by Chuck Swindol this morning. If you have access to christian radio that plays Swindol, I urge you to listen to today's message, or check it out at insight.org .
OUr MC doesn't understand why I want to understand the reason(s) for the A,and that concerns me. I told him, to understand what went wrong, to change things now, to try to correct the deficits that created a bad environment, etc.
He IS a christain counselor, but he just doesn't understand this. I'm meeting with him alone next, to discuss this 'need' of mine. Our meetings are infrequest, once every 3-4 weeks, due to his busy schedule. I hate to think of starting over with someone else, but I don't know if I like this guy. He's very into Harley's methods, but even Harley wants us to understand the 'why' of the A. <p>I honestly can't recall if my H has even asled for forgiveness yet. Maybe because he knows I'm not there yet. Maybe he has. I don't know. Not that he has to ask in so many words. He has expressed remorse and sorrow. He knows how he has hurt me. ANd as for forgiving her (ow) , no, I'm not ready to do that. Part of me thinks that an in-person forgiveness extension would be a great witness to the love of Christ (prabaly the good part of me), but most of me says 'noway, not yet'. Yes, to forgive like Christ would be wonderful to be able to do. Rather than getting hung up on how hurt I feel. I wish I could just say "you're forgiven", lay the whole thing down, and walk away, determined to just be a better wife and mom. And trust God.
Why do we have to be so human? <p>My H's cousin (M) called me today asked what was up with my MIL, because M's mom said that my MIL told her all about our problems on Sunday at a baptism party. MIL sat here Tuesday evening and said she told NO ONE else outside our family. So I catch her in a lie.
What do I do with this? Easiest thing would be to let it go, because I don't have the energy to deal with her right now. But to allow her to continue in her lying....yes, I know, God will be her judge. But her lying is starting to look like a pattern, and that pattern affected my H, and made him into a liar, as well as his brother (caught him in a lie this week, too.) IS THE WHOLE WORLD GOING TO POT????
Are my standards too high? Is it too much to expect your family to be honest with you? I know the world will aleways fail me, but family, too? I guess that's predicted in the BIble, too. It just really bugs me right now.

So how am I? Confused, sad, disappointed, frightened (H goes back to cop job in the town where ow lives tomarrow). I pray that another job opportunity would present itself so he felt able to leave that evil place. As long as she's there, and he works there, I cannot rest.<p>PS- RIF90 My brother is not dealing well with the revalation that his wife and my H had an affair 8 years ago ( he just found out in the last month. ) He himself is a recovering sex (porn) addict, who has had multiple EA's in the last 14 years. He's trying REALLY hard to get his life on the right track, but seeing my H at a family get together on Sunday was hard for all of us really. I think he could benefit from your wisdom. Would you be willing to email with him?

Hi TTGIR,<p>Sorry to hear that your MC doesn't think much of trying to find out the "reason" for the A... you might want to take a copy of your Torn Asunder book with you to your IC session.... and show him what Dave Carder has to say. If he/she's still unwilling to help you with this, then by all means, you should go find a MC that will... this is for YOU and your M.... <p>Hey, I understand you not being able/ready to forgive your H... it takes time. You sound like you're doing really well considering all that's happened over the past several days...<p>On the MIL bit... I'd just walk away and not speak to her if at all possible. If she's going to disrespect you then she's not helping you. Have you discussed this with your H? If so, how has he responded? Has he "protected" you by telling his mom to knock it off? Try to talk with your H in a non-LB way, but you should really talk with your H about this... Your M is between you and your H... NOT your MIL or your BIL or anyone else in your family. BTW, your standards are NOT too high. <p>I'm sorry that you are still hurting... but you do sound like you're doing well... please know that my wife and I are praying for you.<p>Please tell your cousin that I'd be glad to e-mail him... (rif90@msn.com)<p>Good to hear from you... hang in there!
RIF90