Patience, Patience and more patience. Come here to vent, just like you did. You see remorse in your H, from the other threads I read here, alot of WS blame the BS, or don't want to end the A, but want to keep the M. So you are ahead of the game so to speak. <p>You need to find ways to deal with these images, so they don't LB your M, it will probably take a long time to go away. I have no suggestions on this.This type of betrayal as we know hurts to the core. <p>As you know, you are not alone here. when you need to vent. (Advice I was given)<p>Take care

I am having another bad day. My H and I are trying really hard to make this work. The problem is that I can't get much support from my family. My mother told me today that my H had spoken with her many times in the past complaining about me ( I knew about most of these conversations), but I had NO idea that he thought I was such a b*tch! This of course is how things started to go bad... he NEVER told me when he was mad, instead he would complain to others... including my (ex) sister!!! I am NOT a b*tch!!! I admit I have my moments, but that is not my usual personality! It really hurts that this was how my H saw me!!! I always thought I was a suportive, loving wife... *NEWSFLASH*: I was wrong! I admit I am not perfect... far from it, but WHY does it take an A to show my H that I am a damn good wife??? I supported him through SO MANY different things (job opportunities, etc.), even at the expense of him not being home as much as I would have liked! I wanted him to be happy, now I sit here wondering just how many things I did that made him mad and pushed him away!!! I really thought I did the right things!!! I tried to get him into counseling before the whole A thing happened, unfortunatly that did not happen. Now he is, and he tells me he wishes he had done it before... (DUH!!!) I am trying to move forward... I just keep tripping. I wish I could turn back time (don't we all?), maybe the A wouldn't have happenend -- If only I had known he was unhappy! He says he always loved me... even during the A, he just did not know how to communicate his thoughts with me. We talk more now than ever before... <p>I just need to know that everything will be alright... that I will be alright... I need to be a better wife so that there will never be another A for me to have to deal with... I also need to know that what he did was NOT my fault, right? He should have talked to me, right? Please help me understand all this!!!<p>
Please keep the advice and help coming -- I need everything I can get!<p>-MCNYH [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi,
This is still new to you. The confusion will eventually go away. Initially it feels like you are going crazy, you want promises and guarantees. Anthing to make the pain go away. It does go away. It takes a very long time. <p>We all play a role in every situation we are in However, the decisions that are made are the resposibility of the decision maker. <p>Now, I'm sure there are alot of men that will disagree with me, my experience is that when a man cannot have his way he calls her a B****. Not knowing yoru situation, I don't know why he would say it. The last time my H called me that I commented that I must be doing something right (probably a LB, so I don't recommend it).<p>Yes, instead of going to everyone else, he should have been talking to you. My H says I'm hard to talk to. I don't think I am, except I will say I am set in my ways and my opinions are my opinions. <p>I cannot make you promises about your M. Regardless of the outcome, you will be okay. You have something going for you is that you H wants to work on the M. Are you going to independent counseling for yourself? You might want to consider it. <p>Your family is tougher, but they need to understand that making your M work is you decision and they need to respect it. They don't have to agree with it, and they do not need to try to sabatoge the efforts that the two of you are trying to do. <p>I don't recall, do you have any of the Harley's books? They are very good.

Thank you for your reply. H called me a b*tch because we were having problems (stress after our second child was born, and spent time in the ICN), he did not know how to express his feelings, so easier to call me names! (never to my face, only to other people) I went out and bought SAA as soon as I could, and am about halfway through. Look forward to finishing. It has given me some food-for-thought. As for my H, he is reading it too.<p>I wish I could wake up from this nightmare!!!<p>Thanks again
-MCNYH [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

I'm also reading Fall in Love stay in love. I've noticed some of the info in the books overlap, hey, it can't hurt to hear it again.<p>I will check back later. Stress is hard. Have to go, taking kids to have lunch with H.

We (me and H) went to therapy again today... went well. I also talked to my mother... also went well. I explained to her that we are trying to get through this, and I need her support, even if she does not agree with me! She's still mad at him, but I think I was able to explain some things to her. I think she also understands that my "sister" will forever be out of my life. I know this is tought for my mom because "she" is also her daughter, but I explained why it would never work. I guess only time will tell. Right now my main concern is my M!!! My H and I are in the process of trying to move ("sister" lives WAY too close!) -- by the way I use the quote symbols around the word sister because she is only that to me because we share parents... nothing else! We are hoping to move in the next few months, hope we can find a buyer for our house! I look forward to getting away from "her", and starting over... there is too much around here that triggers bad thoughts and memories! I keep hoping for the best... please keep your fingers crossed for me!<p>Thanks
MCNYH [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

HI MC.
MY SISTER BETRAYED ME ALMOST THE SAME WAY AND MY FAMILY FEEL I HAVE FORGIVEN MY WIFE BUT WHY CANT I FORGIVE MY SISTER WHOM ALSO MADE A MISTAKE,THIS IS WHY I FEEL I NEVER COULD AGAIN,FOR ONE SHE IS BLOOD ,FOR TWO SHE WAS 100% FOR THE AFFAIR,IM SORRY......MY WIFE HAD A TWO YEAR AFFAIR WITH MY BEST FRIEND,MY SISTER WAS THEIR CHEERLEADER,SHE NEVER ONCE TOLD MY WIFE HOW WRONG IT WAS NOR TO THINK OF MYSELF AND THE KIDS.INSTEAD SHE HELPED THEM BE TOGETHER ENCOURAGED IT WENT OUT WITH MY WIFE TO MOVIES,AND SO FORTH WHEN ACTUALLY THEY WERE GOING TO SEE HIM SHE EVEN GAVE THEM KEYS TO HER APARTMENT SO THEY COULD BE TOGETHER,CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT MY SISTER LETTING THEM SLEEP TOGETHER IN HER BED!!!!!!I AM STILL TO THIS DAY FLOORED BY THE WHOLE THING.MY SISTERS ONLY CONCERN WITH ANY OF WHAT WAS GOING ON IS THAT IF ANYONE FOUND OUT ,MY PARENTS ,BEING PASTORS WILL KILL HER ALONG WITH MYSELF NEVER SPEAKING TO HER AGAIN.CAN YOU TELL ME HOW SICK IS THAT?MY FLESH AND BLOOD.....I WILL NEVER SPEAK TO HER AGAIN I KNOW I HAVE TO FORGIVE HER TO RECOVER COMPLETELY BUT AS OF THIS MOMENT I CANNOT SEE ANY POSSIBLE WAY.AS FAR AS YOUR SITUATION I TRULLY AM SORRY AND KNOW YOUR PAIN BEYOND A SHADOW OF A DOUBT.HOLD YOUR HEAD UP HIGH AND FOCUS ON YOUR FAMILY BECAUSE THAT IS TRULY WHAT IS IMPORTANT AT THIS POINT,EVEYTHING ELSE I KNOW FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART WILL FALL INTO PLACE. SORRY FOR MY RAMBLING THIS IS TRULLY A TOUCHY SUBJECT FOR ME.GOD BLESS
ANTHONY.

Sounds positive. Your H wants to do what it will take to make it work. I'm glad you had a talk with your mom. She will probably be upset with your H for a while, after all, you are her daughter too, and he hurt you. In time, hopefully she will understand and be supportive of your decision. As long as your family does not try to sabatoge your efforts that will help.<p>As long as both of you are in agreement to moving it will probably bring peace of mind. Also, distance from your sister will help with the No Contact.<p>Take care

You definitely need your own counselor. It can be very hard for a counselor to work with both partners individually and then the couple together. I would ask the counselor the two of you are seeing who s/he might recommend for you as an individual.<p>Also, you might consider investigating Sexaholics Anonymous and the coaddict group S-Anon. The international office telephone number for SA is 615-331-6830 and the number for S-Anon is 615-833-3152. SA might be good for your husband while S-Anon might be good for you. <p>S-Anon was very good for me when I was going through my divorce. One of the things I discovered during the ordeal was that my husband had multiple one-sided emotional affairs during our marriage - and one of them was with my sister. Fortunately, she was able to tell him that she wanted no part in it. <p>By all means, you need your own counselor. You have the damage to your marriage to deal with but you have the damage to your family of origin to deal with. <p>For the rest of your life you will have to deal with this sister. And at some point you will have to be in the room with her. And now is the time to start dealing with healing. I don't know how you can do otherwise if you are to personally recover from this horrific situation.

I will be seeing a therapist myself as soon as our insurance gets their act together. Right now we are paying FULL price when we go together! Not that it's not worth every penny, but we are also in the process of trying to sell our house so we can move away from "her"!!! What is keeping me from even thinking about forgiving her is her denial of her part in this! She ALWAYS blames somebody else for HER mistakes! At least my H came clean, and has not made excuses for his part! I will NOT put myself in the same room with her if there is any way around it!!! She has NOT even tried to talk to me since this all came out... as a matter of fact, she won't even allow her H to talk to me, OR any other member of my family! I don't think I will ever be able to forgive her -- not now, not later! I know I sound bitter, and I guess I am, but if you knew her, you would understand! Like I mentioned before, she has had SEVERAL A's since she has been married, and not ONE of them was her fault! (give me a break!) <p>But, all that aside, my H and I are making progress. We hope to move ASAP... please keep your fingers crossed that we will find a buyer for our house... SOON!!! I need to be away from where she lives... I can't drive anywhere without passing her house, and it makes me sick! Every time I drive by, I remember... How can I ever heal if I am constantly being reminded!?!?!? I need to get past this! (my H has to drive several miles out of his way to get anywhere!!!) The reason I don't drive out of my way is my defiance! She may have dented me... but she can NOT break me! I just want to be far from her, and not have to worry about bumping into her at the store! ( right now I drive to another town for groceries!)<p>I am almost done with SAA, and I have gotten a lot out of it... the only thing missing from it is a way to feel better right NOW! (I know, I'm dreaming!)<p>I will get through this, I will get through this, I WILL GET THROUGH THIS!!!<p>Thank you all again for your support and insight!<p>-MCNYH [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]

Well, the house is on the market, but my family will NOT help us move! Right now it is just the two of us, and I can't carry any of the heavy stuff, so my H is doing this all by himself! I am really upset that my family won't let go of their anger enough to help me!!! They keep telling me that they support me, but they seem to have a strange way of showing it! I know they are upset by what my H did, but when we move it will be for me and my children... I thought that would be enough! I know I can't ask them to feel any other way... but they are making this even harder on me than it already is! YET, my "sister" gets to continue on with her life like nothing ever happened... yes, they are mad at her too, but she is their family, so I guess that's all that matters... What about me???? I've done NOTHING, and I feel like it is ME that is being punished!!! Oh well, I guess "she" gets exactly what she wanted... me out of the picture! I have to put my M first right now, right?<p>Please advise me on how I can get my family to see how much they are hurting me... if there is any way...<p>-MCNYH <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" />

Somebody please help me!!! I don't know how much more I can take! My H has been trying VERY hard to make amends with my family... but they all say they are not ready to see or talk to him. I understand that they are trying to protect me, but if I am willing to work on my M, why won't they help me!!! My H is thinks that my mother would be happy if we got a D, I don't know what to think! How can I get my family to see beyond the mistake he made, and remember the great man he is??? There are books for BS's, what about the extended families involved? We are currently in the process of trying to sell our house, and we can't get any member of my family to help us!!! <p>I feel like my family is pushing me away because I chose to stay and fix my M... Yet, they have NOT pushed "her" away!!! I feel like this is so unfair <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> , but what can I do??? <p>I am starting to get bitter towards my family. I know that's wrong, but I can't help feeling this way! My H does NOT want me to stay away from my family -- but what choice are they giving me??? I am afraid that my family's negitivity will cause more problems with me and my H! He has said from day one that he will take whatever they want to dish out to him... but they won't even read the e-mail he sent them (saying how sorry he is, and how much he loves me, etc.)! I have told them how much this is all hurting me, and their response is "we are not ready". I understand their anger, but they don't seem to care that they are also hurting me!!! <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>Is there anything I can do to help my family deal with this??? Any reading material?? ANYTHING??? Please advise me on this, I need to know how to tackle this... I am scared that my H will get tired of the silent treatment, and then what??? My "sister" wins, and I am all alone?<p>Right now my anger is towards my family [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] , and I need advice on how to handle this!<p>PLEASE HELP ME!!! I want my M to survive and be even better...

mc,<p>may not be much help here, but. I think it is great to forgive your husband. It is not excusable but many (if not most) men would be susceptable to a women coming on to them.<p>As far as your family goes, it sounds like you may have to go alone without them. Heck, even if you didn't want to rebuild your marraige, I would think twice about being involved with them.<p>You come here quite a bit complaining about horrible things your sister did, etc. Now they are in fact horrible, but you cannot change her. You can only decide how to deal with her. Work on what make you happy.<p>bob

Bob - Thanks for your reply... I wish I could get some insight on HOW to deal with her!!! It really breaks my heart that my family won't support me, but will deal with her. My H betrayed me, no doubt about it, but what my "sister" did to me seems worse. I always thought that being a sister was a special thing... a special bond... not an excuse to cause pain! I know I complain about her in every post... and I'm sorry to do that, but I don't have anywhere else to vent about her (obviously my mother and siblings don't want to hear it!) and I feel like I will explode if I don't let it out. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Like I said before, my parents are older and in not-so-great health, and it would kill me to cut them out of my life right now... is there any other way? CAN I get them to understand??? [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] Is there anything I can ask my mother to read that will help her understand? I NEED her, but I can't let her ruin my M!!!<p>Am I the only person with a family acting this negative? Can anyone advise me of any options I might have??? PLEASE HELP ME!!! I am running out of ideas... actually, I ran out... <p>
<img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>Please help me!
-MCNYH

Hi MC
You will not be able to make them forgive your H. I don't know of any reading you could suggest to them, beside, would they read it? <p>Protect yourself from the hurt and pain they are causing you. You may have to accept that this is the way it will be for a while. Maybe start by not discussing this with them. It is apparent that they are not going to forgive your H at this time. Do they say negtive things about him to you? Let them know you don't want to hear these things. You could be honest with them about how much it hurts you. Keep in mind that they will come around when they come around (if at all). Discuss things you used to discuss, let them know how happy you and your H are with each other. <p>As far as moving goes, do you have friends you can ask to help?

Sue -- Thanks for your reply... My family does not say too much about him, except "how can you trust him again?". I tried to explain all the things he has done since the truth came out, but I guess it is not enough. But I do need to put my H and children first right now! As for our moving, in my family, every time one of us has moved (many, many moves), it was like a family function! We would have a great time, have a few beers or something... it will just be strange doing this without them. And sad.<p>Oh well, like you said.. there is nothing I can do at this point to make them understand <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> <p>The one thing I am greatful for is the support from my mom-in-law and sis-in-law. At least I will always have them!<p>Thanks again for your support!<p>-MCNYH

It may take time. Try not to push them. Let them come around in their time. Stand strong with your H and children. <p>This happened to you, they love you, and what hurts you hurts them. They may be confused also, since it was your sister, (their sister, daughter) who was one of the contributors to your pain. Not trying to dig up old pain, your sister claimed that your H forced himself, so they don't see her as the villian. They don't want to see what you see. They want to believe her, because she is family. So, to help, would be a form of betralal. I know, this is hard to take. In time, they will see the truth also. You cannot live a lie forever. The truth has a way of sneaking out.
(here is one of my favorites, "give a man enough rope and he will hang himself". Time has proved me right more than wrong)<p>Can your H's family help with the move. I know it is not the same, new traditions can be started from bad situations.

The thing about "her" claim of being "forced" is that my family knows it's a lie!!! BUT... nobody can make her admit the truth. They have told her that her "claim" is very hard to believe, but they don't push her to tell the truth... even if her coming clean helps me to heal! That's where I start to feel like my family is pushing me away! They KNOW she is lying, but nobody will call her on it! Like I mentioned in erlier posts, she has had several A's while married, all NOT her fault!!!(yeah, right) Obviously she has problems or she would not continue with this behavior. IF she was willing to admit her part and get help, I would find it easier to forgive her, but as long as she holds on to her "claim", I will not even think about forgiveness! Her "claim" is her attempt to make herself the victim (as usual), so that nobody in my family can be mad at her (even though they are!). I guess that is easier for her than saying "oh, yeah, I slept with my sisters H, and I don't care that I hurt her!" .<p>I hope you are right about the truth coming out eventually... how can she live with herself knowing how much pain she is causing me??? If we were as close as I thought we were, how would she do this to me?<p>I know my H is just as responsible for the A, but he is working very hard to fix our M, while she has been in hiding!<p>I also know she is enjoying my pain, because as I've mentioned before, she would call me (while the A was going on) and say "how do you know he is where he says he is?" Talk about taunting!!! And she loved to come over to my house, always making up excuses to "drop by"! oh, wait... that's right, she was usually bringing my H (and me, she claimed) special treats -- usually his favorite cookies or brownies (stuff I generally don't eat) -- is it normal behavior for someone who claims she was "forced" to do those kind of things??????? <p>Sorry about the bitterness again.... I am trying.<p>Thanks for listening.<p>-MCNYH<p> <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /><p>[ June 17, 2002: Message edited by: mc needs your help ]</p>

This is the place to vent.<p>As sad as it is, this is her problem. No one else can change it.<p>On the plus side, your H has taken responsibility for his part in the A, and is doing all he can to make the M work. <p>Try to lose the anger you feel. I know it is hard to do. I held on to mine for 4 years. Boy, try living with me for 4 years [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] I'm sure I was just a barrel of laughs. Yes, it comes back every now and then. I have moments (many of them) of sadness. I have lots of frustrations. I have to remind myself often that I cannot change or control others. I only have control over myself. <p>I'm thinking of learning bellydancing, I figure with my left feet, it should be a hoot. Actually my cousin used to do it, and she said it was a great cardio vascular workout, plus it gave her a narrow waist (and she was already a skinny minnie). I need to lose 50 pounds, and I figure it would be a fun way to work it off. <p>I guess what I'm saying is, find things that you enjoy. Especially things that you and your H enjoy together. Even though I have not started them yet, my H, was impressed that I said I would sign up for golf lessons. He has practically boughten me clubs. (he stops short of buying them incase I don't like it)

Sue - I can't thank you enough foy your help. and having a place to vent has been very good for me. I don't want to vent on my H, because I don't want "her" to be a subject we discuss anymore! We are trying to get past this, and I feel like I would just be making things worse! I admit I have had questions pop into my head, and sometimes I ask him for answers, but I know he is hurting too (because of all the pain he helped to cause), and I don't want to make this any harder on either of us!<p>This is still very new to me, and I guess I am learning how to deal with it... I have learned a lot from SAA, especially about not using LB's! I know things won't be "perfect" right now... I just keep looking to the future, and hope for the best. I can't wait to sell our house and move. To me it feels like it will be a fresh new start for us (away from "her")! I have asked my mother NOT to discuss me and/or my H with my "sister", if "she" asks how we are doing, etc., I have asked my mother to say "I have been asked not to discuss her/him with you, and out of respect for your sister, I will not talk to you about them." Especially since we are going to be moving... I don't want "her" to know where we will be living! (she lives close, and will probably see the "for sale" signs in our yard, and I know she will ask my mom where we are moving to!) At this point in time, my mother seems to understand that "she" is out of my life for good! I know this hurts her, but I have to do what is best for my M, and ANY contact with her would NOT be good! Like I mentioned earlier, IF "she" is willing to admit her part and GET HELP, I might be able to forgive her... but NOT untill then! (even then I can't make any promises!!!) BUT, she will NEVER be involved in my life again! (for I know "she" can NOT be trusted!!!)<p>Thanks again for your support -- you and MB have been a great way for me to learn things I never thought I would need to learn!<p>I hope all is well for you... good luck with the golf... and everything else!<p>-M [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]