Lyxa -- I know that only one thing happened in my house... That's one too many!!! The biggest reason I want out of here is to get away from her! It will be hard to leave the good memories here, but they seem to be overshadowed by the bad one!!! She lives too damn close!!! (only a few miles down the street...) [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I have not heard anything from the person that looked at our house earlier today... <img src="graemlins/teary.gif" border="0" alt="[Teary]" /> , I was very hopeful!!! Oh well, maybe tomorrow...<p>-mcnyh

Sue -- Where are you??? I just want to make sure you are ok!!!

Nothing new here, except our real estate agent called and said the woman was interested in our house, she wants to bring her H out to see it soon... I am crossing my fingers...

-mcnyh

I'm here. I didn't get to get on yesterday evening.

That is good that she wants to bring the H out. Here is what my realator told us when we were looking. At any point during the looking, if the wife sits, it is sold. She feels comfortable and is claiming it has hers. She is probably screening potential homes and when she finds what she likes she then brings the hubby for final approval.

I have another test in a couple of weeks, two papers to write and then the final in about two weeks after that. Then I get about a month off, before Fall semester starts. I will graduate in May, take my boards, find a new job and quit my current job <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> - I cannot wait. I'll make about $3-4 per hour mor than what I make now, and the raises are better. I'll have to work some weekend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" /> But I'll get over it.

It could be nerves as to why you are sick. If it goes on too much longer, I would see a dr. Maybe he/she could do something to help you through this. Some of the others out here are on anti - d's. I'm not. I considered it, but things have calmed down, so I don't find a need at this time.

I know the patience thing is really hard. It would be nice if we could snap our fingers and poof all would be fine and dandy.

Maybe your sister will check this site out. She might gain an understanding of what everyone is going through and that you made a very tough decision.

She may even be scared for her own M. After all, it happened to you. It sounded like your M was pretty good overall.

You seem to be calmer. Once your house sells, that will be one less load off your mind, you can look forward to creating new and better memories in the new house.

When we bought our house, my two oldest were 4 & 3, and the baby was not born yet. Okay, she isn't a baby any longer. I have to get out of the habit of calling her the baby. Even at the age of 3 she tells me "I'm not a baby!"

<small>[ June 28, 2002, 05:01 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Sue -- Everytime I think things are calming down, my pathetic excuse for a "sister" throws more at me. I found out today from my "good" brother-in-law that my "sister" is trying to get copies of the e-mail my H sent to him and my brothers... I have NO idea why... unless she is trying to get more "ammo" against him. (none of them gave it to her) There is nothing in the e-mail other than an apology for his "failure" -- to me, our M, and my family -- I don't know what she is hoping to accomplish, but she is really starting to piss me off! Forget the whole forgiveness thing, she does NOT deserve my forgiveness!!! She is a sick person, who's only goal in life is to hurt me!!!

I am sick of hearing that there is nothing I can do about this!!! She told one of my brothers that I am NOT allowed to call her, or her H... Why??? Maybe because she is a lier??? A tramp??? loser??? I could go on...

She comes out with something "new" every few weeks... just long enough for me to feel better, then BAM! she comes back with more! She is loving the fact that she is causing me pain -- what kind of selfish, cruel person does that??? Oh yeah... My "sister"!!!

I need there to be something I can do about this, besides "just wait and see..." I NEED to do something!!! She is trying to ruin my life!!! (gee... don't you wish you had a sister like that??? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

I wish I could press charges against her for causing me soooooo much pain!!! and for lying to people about my H!!!

It does not matter what she tries... she will NOT ruin my M. My H and I are devoted to making things even better than before!

I need strenght... but I don't know how to get it.

Thanks for reading...

-mcnyh <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi MC

You are not going to like what I'm about to say. She does it because she can. She does it because she knows it will get a reaction out of you. Maybe she does it because she needs to have some sort of control or power. She can only get the control or power if you give it to her. Don't let it be known that she gets to you. Come her and vent like you do.

You are alot stronger than you realize. You have made it this far. Could it be that you M is just too good for her to deal with and she cannot handle that?

She probably wants to know if you H said anything deragatory against her. It was good that noone gave it to her. She will see that she cannot get her way in this if no one lets them

As far as you not being allowed to call her or come over, I can think of many reasons, shame, guilt, fear, it could also be another way to try to control things.

You could write her a letter, and tell her to stop her foolish games, that no one is buying into it, but I honestly think that by doing that you are giving her more fuel for the fire. As much as you want to do something I think no action is the same as doing something. If you choose to not react, you have not given her the satisfaction of know she got to you.

Just remember, you are not the one who caused the hurt and betrayal. There are those who get some sort of sick pervesion out of knowing that they ruined a marriage. It is a power kick. I don't understand it. The OW my h is with, I heard is like that. I guess she only likes the M and engaged ones. Once she ruins their R, she moves on. Go figure huh. I refuse to bite.

She will hang herself eventually. They always do. She will do something so dumb in her quest to cause further damage that she will reveal her true motives.

My favorite saying is "give a man enough rope and he will hang himself." Sometimes I like to give a little extra rope to make sure that when they hang they hang high.

Oh dear, a question where I need knowledge...

It's been a long time since I went to SAnon. I went for about 18 months after my x left me. It was very good for me... helped me to see that my x's behavior, for which he blamed me, was not my fault.

In reality sexaholics can engaged in a lot of different behaviors. All of them are harmful to the friends and family members who love them. Some of the other co-addicts in the group had partners who engaged in sexual relationships beyond their primary one. I phrased it that way because wome of the memers of my group were married men, some were married women, some were cohabitating straight adults, and others were gay men.

Others had partners who were porn addicts or phone sex addicts. Others had partners who were, like my x, sexually anorexic (didn't care to have sex). Others (also like my x) preferred what we called self abuse (they only needed themselves - if you get the picture).

Basically, the addicts engaged in behavior hurtful to the ones they loved.

For more information, you may call the following telephone numbers. They will give you the international offices of either organization.

SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) 615-331-6230
S-Anon 615-833-3152

They can send you information which might be helpful.

I hope this will help you.

I can tell you that I believed, for a while, that it was my fault that my x was as he was. But, through the time I attended meetings, I gained so much comfort and peace and came to see that he was the one who made those choices. I was responsible for my part in the situation but his choices were his choices.

Oh dear, a question where I need knowledge...

It's been a long time since I went to SAnon. I went for about 18 months after my x left me. It was very good for me... helped me to see that my x's behavior, for which he blamed me, was not my fault.

In reality sexaholics can engaged in a lot of different behaviors. All of them are harmful to the friends and family members who love them. Some of the other co-addicts in the group had partners who engaged in sexual relationships beyond their primary one. I phrased it that way because wome of the memers of my group were married men, some were married women, some were cohabitating straight adults, and others were gay men.

Others had partners who were porn addicts or phone sex addicts. Others had partners who were, like my x, sexually anorexic (didn't care to have sex). Others (also like my x) preferred what we called self abuse (they only needed themselves - if you get the picture).

Basically, the addicts engaged in behavior hurtful to the ones they loved.

For more information, you may call the following telephone numbers. They will give you the international offices of either organization.

SA (Sexaholics Anonymous) 615-331-6230
S-Anon 615-833-3152

They can send you information which might be helpful.

I hope this will help you.

I can tell you that I believed, for a while, that it was my fault that my x was as he was. But, through the time I attended meetings, I gained so much comfort and peace and came to see that he was the one who made those choices. I was responsible for my part in the situation but his choices were his choices.

My husband had a choice just as your husband did. And, even more, just as your sister did. But my x, like your sister, would not look at the problems created and see what his role was.

Hi,
are you here? Shortly after 11 I saw you were here I'll be on til about 11:30 central time

Thank you both for keeping me sane!!! I know that if she knows my hurt, it will just fuel her fire!!! I am not going to contact her in any way! One problem though... There is going to be a family gathering in a week... she announced that she is going... I want very much to go... I told my mother that I am planning to attend (by myself), and if "she" asks, my mother can tell her! If I am lucky she will not go, but if she does, tough! I am not missing this party because of her!!! I will not talk to her, I will not even look at her, but I will NOT let her decide MY PLANS!!! You are right about her being a "control freak", she is trying to control what I do... Well "NEWSFLASH": She WILL NOT keep me away from my family!!! I was not going to go, because I did not want to cause any trouble, but then I realized that I am not the one who is causing ANY trouble... SHE is!!! I will NOT let her decide what I will or won't do!!! If she does not want to see me, GOOD... then she won't show up!!! I know that if she went and I did not, she would trash talk my H, and me as well to my family... Try bashing me OR my H with me there!!! (not a good idea!!!)

Am I asking too much for my family to support my H with her accusation of "force"??? They all know it is not true!!! I think it's about time they say "we do NOT believe that he forced you to do anything!"... Why won't my family stand up for my H when they know he did not make her do anything she didn't want to do??!! Why can't they tell her that her little "game" is hurting my ENTIRE FAMILY!!! My mom says "she" has asked about me a couple of times (like she cares...), my mom's only reply is "she's hanging in there"... I think it about damn time my family tells her that they don't believe her, and she needs to come clean, and get help!!! I don't even care anymore if they are mad about the A... That is not the issue here... her "claim" is!!! Even if they are still mad at my H for the A... it does not make it fair to not support him with this!!! They ALL know he did NOT force her!!! (again, for SEVERAL months, and SEVERAL times... even when the tramp met him at the park--after SHE called HIM!!!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I want to SCREAM!!!! I always new she had problems, but DAMN, I never knew she was capable of THIS!!!

Sorry... I am grateful to have this web site to vent on... and I am grateful to have your help.

What do I do now?!?!?!?!?!?!?

-mcnyh <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

My suggestion is go and have a good time. If she approaches you, walk away. You do not need ot get into an arugment.

The hardest thing for you to come to grips will be that you cannot make her acknowledge her wrongdoing, I know you want it. You want her to stop potraying herself as the victim. You can wish for it. If and when it happens it will. Don't hold your breath, blue in generally an very unbecoming facial color.

here is another thought on the no calling her. Her H, believes her stories. You believe your H's story, for her to keep up the pretence, she cannot have you calling while you stand by your H. I may not have worded this well, so I hope you followed me on this.

If you are still on, I will be for a few more minutes then I'm on my way home. I'm done with work. I might get back on when I get home. I'll see how tired I am, and what mood H is in <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi MC,

U have a good supporter in your corner. Sue and Cinderella have been posting to you for a while and I can see you regaining your strength.

Sue asked me to come over and maybe later others may also. You are on the right track of how to act and I am sorry that the OW is a relative. That must be very hard.

Sue is correct that even though the OW will try to hurt you , your actual hurt is within your control. It is understandable that you are hurt and angry. What is your H doing to rebuild your trust and give you assurance of your M?

L.

My H has been doing everything I've asked of him. He went to see our doctor the next day (after he told me about the A) for a referral to see a psychiatrist, which he did the next day... He has also been seeing a therapist (I have been going too). He wrote letters to my family to appologize. He agreed to sell our house even though it makes $$$ tight! He has shown a lot or remorse, and tells me every day how much he loves me. He has had more passion towards me than ever before, and he talks to me about everything! I would say he is doing a lot!!!

The thing about "her" H, is that he told me and my brother that he knows she is lying... but he won't do anything about it!!! If anyone in my family mentions anything to him he says "I don't even want to talk about it, I'm done with it", but that's not true, because he is helping her keep this "story" going! He should have gotten her help right away... but as I have mentioned before, nobody can upset her... family rule!!! I wish that "rule" was for me too!!! It seems that it is ok to upset me... just not her!

My H and I have talked about this, and we decided that her little "attacks" (with her being able to go into hiding after each one) will eventually blow up in her face, and she will have no where to hide!

Before I was hurt by her, now I just hate her!!! I had been willing to forgiver her up until now -- now she can kiss my A**!!! SHe does not deserve to have me as a sister, I am too good of a person! She deserves some of the misery she likes to hand out for herself! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" />

OK... getting bitter here, sorry. I just can't believe that she keeps doing what she is doing to me and my H!!! She is a pathetic, cruel person, who has no regard for other peoples feelings.

When she told her "friend" that she had slept with HER H (a few years ago) my "sister" thought it was sooooooo funny that his W got so mad at her that she threw beer bottles at her!!! She has a track record of trying to destroy the lives of anyone who gets close to her! And she thinks it's funny! What kind of person does that??? oh, right, my "sister". -- Keep in mind she claims that her H made her sleep with this OM (while he watched!!!!)... I guess he "made" her buy the "nightie" she wore for it!!! And I guess he "made" her KEEP seeing him after that first night... poor thing... she is forced to do sooooo much she would not normally do (yeah, right!!!). What a bunch of BULL!!!

She has been driving by my house... I saw her at least twice. She called my mom as soon as she saw the "for sale" sign, and acted all confused as to why I would be moving! She is SUCH a hypocrite!!! My mom says "she" asks about me, and seems concerned about me (gag), but yet I am NOT allowed to talk to her OR her H!!! Her H had told me that he would be here for me if I needed ANYTHING... but he has not done a damn thing for me!!! If anything he is making matters worse for me by allowing "her" to continue with this crap! (with "love" like this... who needs enemies!!!)

Sue -- I liked your comment about the rope... I will give her as much as she wants... because when she "hangs" herself... I want it to be up high enough for EVERYONE to see!!!

Why can't she just get over herself!?!?!??

-mcnyh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

MC,

Mike here again. I apologize for being gone so long. I've read the recent posts and Sue's been great.

I see you're still very angry, I'm sorry about that.
I see you've also decided against forgiving your sister.

From what you have said she does sound like a very bad person, someone I certainly would not like to be around.

I want you to think about this. You say you hate her. I understand that. What if she were to be killed in a car wreck today? Think about it. You sound like a very caring person so I think you would feel terrible. You need to be the big person in this situation. Take the high road. If you truly hated your sister her words and actions wouldn't affect you a bit. I know that deep down you love her. I know that for a fact. You see I've been there. Not with my sister but with my wife. Her words have cut me to the bone. Why? Because I love her. I thought I hated her too.
The only way I have been able to make MYSELF feel better was by forgiving her. It's a Harley principle and it really works. IT'S FOR YOU NOT HER! Get it?

The anger you harbor is justifiable but is not healthy for you and it plain won't get you anywhere. I know.

As far as the "Family Rule" goes, just break the damn rule! Stand up for yourself and your family. You have done nothing wrong!

You are a married adult woman and deserve respect from your family. You have forgiven your husband. That alone shows an awful lot about your good character. You have nothing to be ashamed of and just tell them that. Demand the respect you deserve!

Whether or not they decide to accept this FACT is up to them. Remember we cannot control the actions of others. Trying to do so is a futile exercise.

I've been very direct to you in my post, it may sound mean. I do not apologize.You are being a doormat to your sister. Stop it right now!

Be the BETTER PERSON and move on.

Okay?

God Bless You and Your Family

Mike -- You did not sound mean... As a matter of fact, that is just what I needed!

I have forgiven her for her part in the A, I just can't forgive her claim that she was forced. She is really pushing it. She even showed up at my mothers house with a pamphlet on rape!!! What a bunch of Sh*t!!! She thinks she can convince my family that it was rape so that she does not have to admit she tried to hurt me!

Let me ask this: If a person is "raped", do they CONTINUE spending time with the rapist??? Do they make him desserts (and personally deliver them to my house), do they ask him to help when her car breaks down, or when she has trouble with her furnace???? Do they come to a sporting event he is playing in and hug him goodbye (in front of me)??? Do they call and talk to him on the phone??? Do they sit with him at a family function and flirt???

I am just curious because these are just a FEW of the things she has done... and I am not the only one who has seen it!

How long before someone calls her on it?!?!?!

Why do we all have to sit back and let her do this to my entire family???

She is putting my mother in the most horrible position -- what mother wants to tell her daughter she does NOT believe she was "raped"??? That is (in my opinion) the most brutal crime to EVER happen to a woman!!! But, "she" knows this... and she knows nobody wants to call her a liar to her face --- so she can stick to her "claim", and NOBODY can say anything to her.

She has never come out and said the word "rape" to anyone but her H... She just hands out brochures to my mom... and won't talk to my other sister about it, or anyone else!!!

I am sick of this sh*t -- I am sick of her!!! No real sister would cause this much pain to a sibling!!!

-mcnyh <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

--Having a bad day... can you tell <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Hi MC
Just finished most of my laundry

I could not have said it better than Mike did.

You may be the baby sister, but it is sort of a compliment to you that your family does not walk on eggshells around you. They see you as a strong person. You have to be to deal with this situation.

She does not say she was raped to anyone but her H because she does not want to admit to him that she was so very WRONG. She does not hand out brochures to your other sister because she knows your sister will not believe her. She is trying to get sympathy from mom.

She does not want you calling because she is afraid of what you have to say. She is afraid of you. She knows she hurt you.

Mike is right, you don't have to tiptoe around her. When she spouts her rape allegation, tell her you don't believe her and walk away. Tell her no one believes her and that she needs help.

How did you find out, did your H tell you? If that is the case, she probably thought he would never tell you.

If you hated her, she could not upset you. I don't want to see you let the anger you have towards her consume you. You do sound like a very caring and compassionate person and I bet this is why your H loves you. It is probably why you have the friends that you do. Try to let go of the anger. I know it is hard. Letting go of the anger does not change the hurt or the wrong. It benefits you, not her.

I'll be back later tonight. Right now, I'm in terrible need of a bath. No central air, one window air and many fans. We are still taking down the deck. We are at the cement portion.

To feel like a person again. It is amazing what a bath will do. My next wish is to have a bath without a 3 year old in the bathroom with me. I ususally cut the pamper session short with her there. Okay, there is no pamper session. I have all the stuff needed to pamper myself and cannot do it with her tiny little hand going through eveything. Next week the kids are going on a vacation with grandma. I will miss them and at the same time I plan to enjoy the break. I may never come out of the bathroom.

Oh, just so you know, I will be here for about an hour or so.Then I have to hit the books. Wish I could really hit the books literally. Mircro is a really icky class. We get to learn about all sorts of germs and such.

Sue -- WOW, I just realized that I never said how this all came out!!! Well, here it is:

My "sister" and I had a HUGE fight, and I told her I didn't feel good, and was not going to into it with her, and said good-bye. The next day My H went to talk to her to tell her she was WRONG to yell at me, and to stick up for me. She called me a b*tch, he said "all women can be at times" She said "not me" and my H said "yes, you can be one too!" Two days later my sister went to see her H at work and told him that my H raped her!

"her" H called my house the next morning at 6:30 screaming at my H, and then talked to me to try to convince me this had in fact happened. My H said he did NO SUCH THING.

I started to get suspicious about the possibility of an A, and started asking lots of questions... two days later my H got me and my mom together and told us what really happened. He could have kept his mouth shut and still had my families support (they all knew she was off her rocker!!!), but he wanted this to be out in the open... even knowing that he stood to lose me!

If I thought for even a second it was possible, I would have walked away and supported my "sister", but as you have read above, her behavior around him was ALWAYS OVERLY FRIENDLY!!! I had warned him in the past that I thought she was making moves on him... he thought he was immune to her. She is a lier, and a coward -- not woman enough to admit her failure to her H, and to me!!!

Keep in mind this A happened LAST YEAR!!! Why does she wait till she and I have a fight to come out with it??? oh, yeah... to HURT ME!!! (and to hurt my H who chose to be with me and NOT her!!!)

She is pathetic, and I feel sorry for her!

I am finding out that she is REALLY screwed up in the head... she is even telling my family she is seeing a rape counselor... I wonder if this is the same doctor that told her that her bulemia has nothing to do with self-esteem.... (hah!!!) , or the OB/GYN that said being bulemic would not hurt her unborn children!!! (double HAH!!!)

SHE NEEDS HELP!!!

-mcnyh

MC,

Forget about what your sister is doing, easier said than done, I know.

The truth is already known to your Mom and family, come on, how could it not be? It is just very difficult for them to admit it.

My wife's family is EXACTLY the same way! They blame everything on me even though they KNOW she is a married woman living with someone that is not her husband <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Believe me, I've endured many slings and arrows and it hurts terribly.But I am worried about YOU! Remember, you are your mother's daughter as well.
Assert your rights as such.

I understand your situation is quite difficult. Your sister giving family members rape phamplets is absurd. As you stated and well know, if she were truly raped by your husband she'd be doing a LOT more than that! Your family knows this too.

I think it's time for you to put an end to this.
You're the only one that can do it.

A one on one private conversation with your mother would be a good start. I know you've tried, but try again. Explain to her why you are standing by your marriage. That in itself is something to be extremely proud of. Your Mom raised you right <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Let her know that. Hey, you got some morals my friend! You are not a quitter.
Try not to be angry and I don't think it would be a good idea to LB your sister to your Mom. This is an intriguing situation. You have to plan A your Mom and Family in a sense. I would set limits though. I would definitely demand respect from them. In a loving and non-threatining way, but nevertheless demand it. They seem to want your respect. Well, respect is a two way street. Period. Remember you are a member of the same family and YOU DID NOTHING WRONG. Flat out tell your Mom that. Be strong but not mean or rude. Tell her you love her and your "bad" sister. Tough, I know.
Hey, I called my MIL today trying to find out how my W is doing. MIL never did like me and wanted to hang up as soon as she heard my voice. When I INSISTED that we speak as we are family joined by God we ended up having a surprisingly civil conversation.

INSIST on a conversation with your Mom. She apparently is the Patriarch of the family.

Next, confront your sister. Remember, be the better person, no LB's Okay <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> But it probably will be a confrontation from what you've said. It doesn't have to be stressful though.

The next time you see her just walk up and ask if she has a minute to chat. Tell her "Sis, remember that time when were 5 years old....?" Yada Yada Yada. Get the picture? Do not forget to tell her you love her even if she's mean.

Once again, just my two cents.

Best of luck.

I have faith in you, if you need a few more pennies let me know.
After following my advice you'll probably want to fine me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think she needs new doctors. Bulemia not only hurts unborn babies, it hurts herself. I won't go into what I learned about that. Almost Everybody knows that low self esteem, self image are factors related to bulemia

You know, considering everything, you are really doing very well.

There is not much that can be done with regards to your sister. She needs help and does not acknowledge that. As sad as that may be. Until she does realize that she needs help, everyone can tell her and tell her, it will be useless until she realizes it.

How many children does she have? I think it is really sad that she is raising children. Hopefully, she does better in the mother category than the sister category.

So, instead of concentrating on her, lets concentrate on MC. What is MC doing to make MC happy. One thing you could do is at the family gathering make sure everyone knows just how great your H has been to you throughout this whole thing and how he trys very hard to make you happy.