I hope all is well with your H's recovery with his knee surgery.

Sue -- Thank you. My H is in some pain, but the Doctors say he will make a complete recovery. Now on Friday we go for his first consultation regarding his chemo!!! As if all the other crap we are dealing with wasen't enough!!!

My mother said she called my "sister" AGAIN today (she has left several messages that "she" does not return), my mother's message stated that if "she" does not call her back, she will NOT call her again for a while (however long that is...). According to my "sister" (as told to my mother), her counselor said she should not contact my family since they do not believe her "claim"!!!! What kind of therapist believes such obvious lies, and feeds into them??? SHe keeps punishing my parents for seeing through her! (yet she is planning on going to a family party in a few days!?!?!?!???) I don't understand her at all!!! (probably because I am SANE!!!!)

I am trying to move ahead, but part of me is still scared "she" is going to do something else to hurt me!!! Why can't I do anything to protect myself?? Why does "she" get to decide when enough is enough??? If it were up to me (which it is not), I would make her come clean NOW!!!

I am soooooo tired of this! I want it to end!

Thanks!

-mcnyh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Hello again mc-sounds like you have a full plate to deal with right now. I hope all goes well with the surgery your H had-and I must have missed the chemo part but hope all turns out for the best real soon.

I wanted to clarify something. When I made the comment that you are allwoing your sister to hurt you-or however I said it exactly-I didn't mean that you can stop her from doing the awful things she is doing-now or ever for that matter. What I did mean was that you can worry yourelf sick about every thing she says, does and might do or say-but it won't be of any help to you to do the worrying. IF you know in your heart what is right and what is wrong then what does it matter what others decide to believe. I don't know how to say this and make it sound nice but if your family can't believe in you and support your decisions then you need to move back a little and spend time believing in yourself! It would be different if your H was beating you and you were staying with hima dn your family was worried about you-but this is not the case. Some people like to hear one story and believe it-others will look at history and say that just doesn't seem right so I will keep my opinions simple for now. You know what? While you neede all the suppost you can get right now it is really no one elses business!

I remember in the beginning I was so concerned that others would find out. I was feeling shame for something I had taken no part in. Then after learning that a lie had been told to mutual friends of both of our families I got mad. I will to this day do anything to protect my H's honor. I have told many people-mostly out of great need to talk and talk-it has been eating me up for over three years. Also, I do not do a good job at all of trying to act as though nothing is wrong-especially when I was practically sick to my stomach for a long time.

We too lived in a very small town-just over 2000 people. Every time I would see the other people-in their car or truck or at the store or anywhere I would just start shaking. My stomach would get all queasy. I don't know why as I am not a bit afraid of them. But my body would react on its own. it still does it-last week I thought I saw their truck and I did the same thing.

We did move to a neaighboring town so our kids no longer go to the same school but sports are done together and all-my kids have fizzled out of that so it won't be a problem this year I guess. And altely I ahve seen less and less of them so that does help. It helped a lot to get out fo the same town but still I would give anything to move far far away where I would never have to see them or hear about them or anything. H says we cant move. He makes good money where he is and can't replace his job. also, he is a volunteer firefighter and EMT and loves what he does so would hate to leave that.

I do know how you feel-all too well. I wish I could wave my magic wand over ever person who is delaing with their pain in a serious manner and make them stop hurting. I remember oh so well crying all the time, never laughing or smiling, hurting inside and out. I did not think it would ever stop. But truly it does.

There are a lot of people out there who ahve done so much better than I have by being able to forgive and put it in the past where it belongs. I can't do that yet-some day I hope I can. Everyone tells me I won't stop hurting and begin healing until I do forgive so I am prolonging my own pain. But until it happens I just am not ready to forgive her. In the same breath I know she has to live with what she ddid to me, my kids, my life..........hopefully it hurts her every time she thinks of it. if not then she isn't worth my time worrying.

Have a great tomorrow, and the next day, and the next...............................

She does not get to decide enough is enough, you get to decide how long and when it will stop bothering you. When that happens, you have decided that enough is enough. As far as the "family" thing goes, avoid her as much as possible. She starts walking your way walk away. Find someone to talk to. Don't let her catch you alone. "safety in numbers". I would not let her bait you into a confrontation. It will make both of you look poorly. Tell her you refuse to discuss it with her. You want to be the one acting and behaving the adult. I know, you want to shake her, yell at her, make her see how wrong she is, it will be useless, so save your energy for worthwhile things.

Maybe she will back out. I also think she has a poor counselor. A counselor should not be advising her to avoid her family because they don't support her "claim". (my amateur opinon)

I hope you H's recovery goes well with the surgery and the chemo. Stress at this time is bad for both of you.

Sue -- Another day... Starting out OK... hope it continues!

Every day I wake up hoping that today will be the day my nightmare ends... I really don't know how much more I can take! I wish I was able to not let "her" affect me the way she does -- I have not yet figured out how! I try pretending "she" does not exist, but then I see her drive by, or a vehicle that looks exactly like hers... and it feels like a kick in the gut!

I know time will heal all wounds, I just wish (like everyone else in this situation) that I could speed up time to a point where I feel better!

My H is feeling pretty good today. We are both a little nervous about his starting chemo. The doctors say that the tumor (once removed, came back twice the size) is not cancer, but because it is so aggressive, the only other option is to try chemo. It is saposed to be a low dose, so I hope it will not make him very sick!

I would ask how much more I (and my H) will have to deal with, but I don't actually want to know the answer to that!!!

As far as my family gathering this weekend... IF she does show up, I will make sure I am not anywhere near her, and I will make sure I am never alone (safety in numbers)! I do NOT trust "her" OR her H!!!

Thanks!

-mcnyh <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

You know, they say that you are not given more than you can handle. I don't know if I truly believe that. I feel that we learn to handle what life throws at us.

You will do fine. So I don't forget to tell you, If I don't get on between now and late Monday, it is because I'm busy with Micro, I have a test and 2 papers due next week, and I am going out of town. The following weekend I'm supposed to go out of town also. Which reminds me, I have to find someone to stay at the house and take care of the dog and cat. Won't be too difficult. My Sister and her H always welcome the opportunity to stay at our house. They hate apartment living and like using our grill and stuff. I wanted to let you know that I didn't drop off the face of the earth. Just on a short retreat.

Sue -- Good luck with your test! and enjoy your weekend!!!

Happy 4th of July!!!

-mcnyh

You have a Happy 4th too. And you know, others will post to you. As you saw, there have been those that have been following your thread. They will respond when they see no one else is. So you are not alone.

Update us on how the family get together is. I hope you have fun and no mishaps.

Happy 4th of July!!!

I hope everyone has a safe holiday weekend!!!

-mcnyh

Well, we had an "open house" today, and three couples showed up... one seemed very interested, they even stated that our house met all their needs! I am hoping that they will put an offer in SOON!!!

Yesterday was the family gathering... she did NOT show up!!!(yeah!!!) I was mad that she waited until the party started to let my "good" sister know she would not be going -- I had left my kids home so that I would not have to deal with my kids playing with hers... (it would have been a lot of extra driving for me to go back and get them!)

But I had a good time with my family... would have been better if my H was with me!!! But he got a chance to spend time alone with the girls!

Hope all is well with you!

-mcnyh

I have a fast minute here. Thougth I would see how the party went.

4th went well. Test is this week.

I was wondering if your sister would go if you went. Then again, maybe she never intended to go, but wanted to manipulate you into not going, because you thought she would be there. Then you would find out that she never showed and you stayed home for nothing. (I hope you followed me).

It would have been nice if your kids and H could go, but on the bright side, he got some one-to-one time with the girls.

Someone will come through on the house. Be patient.

Other than your sister is everything else going good? How about H's recovery from his surgery, still coming along?

Sue - My H is feeling pretty good. He is still limping around, but he can walk. We went to the hospital to find out about the chemo for his tumor, and they have decided to go with radiation instead. At least he won't be really sick!!!

I have a question: How do I deal with her kids birthdays? Her daughters was today... I have a gift, I just don't know what to do with it!!! The reason I ask is that I don't want ANYTHING from her for my kids!!! I did ask my mom to ask my "sister" if my gift was ok, but I have not heard anything yet. Since I don't want her anywhere near me or my children, should I assume that she does not want me near hers??? It sucks that the kids pay the price for what she did! Her son is my god child, and my oldest daughter is hers!!! (or should I say "was"?)

As for the family party, I knew she would not show up... What really made me mad was the fact that when she called my "good" sister, my neice answered the phone (the party was for her graduation), and my "sister" would not tell her that she was not coming, but instead just asked her to have her mom call her back when she had a chance. Well, my "good" sister was in no hurry to call her (since she is pissed at her), so by the time she called her back, I was already on my way!!! (over an hour drive) and there was no way I was going to turn around to go get my girls!!!

I hate to say it, but every day that goes by that "she" denies her part in the A, the more I feel that I will never forgive her!!! I thought I had, but I realize that I can't forgive her for lying, and putting me through this hell!!!

My H is still doing everything to make this up to me and my kids, it has just been VERY stressfull!!! (surgery, trying to sell the house, my "sisters" Bull Sh*t) I think we are doing really well... and I think that part of the reason my "sister" won't come clean is because she does not want me to recover from this... she wants to keep "picking the scab"!!! That's why she keeps bringing "stuff" up to my family!!! (on a fairly regular schedule... every 2 weeks she comes out with something!!!)

I wish she would just go away!!! (not in any bad way, just leave me alone!) I wish she would just shut up, and let me move on!

Why is she doing this to me?????? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I have ALWAYS been a good sister to her!!! and this is how she decides to repay me?!!?? Why does she want to keep hurting me???? She already had sex with my H... why keep twisting the knife??? I would NEVER in a million years do this to ANYONE!!! Not a friend, not a sister, not a woman I don't even know!!! How can a "sister" be the cause of sooooooo much pain, and ENJOY doing it????? (sorry, I am having a bad moment!)

Can you give me any insight on how to be more patient?? I am trying... I just don't know how much more I can take!!! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Thanks for the vent... It's time for me to go to bed -- hope I can sleep!!! (tomorrow is another day...)

-mcnyh

How to be patient - I don't know. You just find a way. You don't realize it, but you are. Each day you get through is another day past. When you are ready to let go of what your sister did to you, the pain will be less. This is still very new for you. The first time I found out about my H's A, back in 1995, It took me about 6 months before I was not consummed by the whole thing. For some reason, I don't know what, or why, it didn't matter so much anymore.

Just get through each day the best that you can. Put your energy into what matters. here is another saying. My work put me through the "Franklin Covey time management course" A saying of theirs is "What Matters most". (my time management still stinks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Embarrassed]" src="images/icons/blush.gif" /> )

Birthday gift - You could mail it or ask someone in your family to drop it off. I don't know how old your neice is, but she does not need to feel like you are mad at her. This act of kindness on your part shows that you can separate her kids from your sisters actions. You are a very compassionate person.

Maybe you sister is jealous of your compassion for others. Could it be that someone bragged you up to her and she didnt' like it. She seems to me like she wants to be the center of attention at all costs.

I know you are frustrated and you want a time in your life back where all was good and dandy. Unfortunately, that has been shattered. You now have to create a life that is good and dandy with the knowledge that you have.

I'm guessing you have read other posts out here. As you see, there are alot who have moved past this point, and have wonderfull marraiges. It takes time. You will get there. Your H and you are doing what you need to. Your family is important, don't let it consume you. How? I don't know. I suppose the knowledge that you have not control over others action. You can only control your own actions.

Sue - Thanks. I had asked my mom to ask "her" about the present for my neice, and (because I said I don't want anything from her for my kids) she said she does not want me giving her daughter anything (she is 4)!

I am sooooo frustrated! She is punishing EVERYONE (except herself) for what she has done! I have done NOTHING wrong, but I can't give my neice a present??? "she" is the one who hurt me, so NO I don't want her anywhere near my children!!! But to punish her 4 year old daughter makes me mad!!!

My H and I went to therapy again today... it went well. My H wants to "drop by" my moms tomorrow to try talking to her (our therapist seems to think it could be good), he really wants to say he's sorry to her! I don't know if it is a good idea or not.

I am also a little pissed that my mother is not willing to forgive my H, but is willing to forgive "her", (and even take her to lunch yesterday) My mother made my H call her "mom" as soon as we were engaged, even though he did not feel comfortable doing it!!! Now when he admits to his part in the A, she abandons him!!!!

I feel like my family SHOULD punish "her"!!! What she did to me was cruel!!! Why can't they tell her that??? "she" was my best friend (or so I thought) and her betrayal was the worst imaginable!!! Why won't my family stick up for me??? If she had done this to my "good" sister, I would have cut her out of my life forever!!! (out of love and respect for my "good" sister!)

She is winning!!! And not because I am letting her, but because she is playing her game with my family!!! My mom tells me that "she" is concerned about me, and asks if I am OK... give me a f***ing break... she does not give a damn about me or she would NEVER have done this to me!!! (yet my mom believes that "she" feels so terrible about the pain I am dealing with... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> )

Her only "concern" is destroying my life!!! (or trying to)

I don't know how much more I can take <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> I feel like I am up against the world!!!

I really hate her -- a person can NOT love a person who is this cruel!!! I want her to feel the same pain she has inflicted on me!!! (and believe me, I would not wish this pain on my worst enemy!) "she" is an evil person, and I hope that what they say about "what comes around, goes around" really happens to her!!! Then maybe, just maybe she will realize how cruel she really is!!! She enjoys causing pain and suffering, but she has NEVER been on the recieving end of such treatment!!! I don't think she would like it much!!!

Wow, I sound REALLY bitter tonight -- sorry. I just have to let it out or I will explode!!!

You have been a great help to me, and I appreciate all your posts. I am sorry to dump so much on you when you already have your plate full!!! Please know that I REALLY appreciate everything you have helped me with, and I hope your life goes the way you want, because you have a heart of gold, and you deserve it!!!

Thanks

-mcnyh <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Hi,
This is normal. Somedays you will be on top of the world and other days it all comes crashing in on you. Venting here is good.

As far as you neice goes, she is at an age where she may or may not notice. I would give the gift to your mom, and have her try to get your sister to accept it for your neice. You mom might know how to appeal to your sister so she will accept it. Tell your mom that you really want your neice to have the gift. You have not bad feelings towards her.

As far as your sister goes, she might be concerned about you. Guilt will do that to a person. She may feel bad about it, but cannot accept responsibility for it (the fog thing), and at the same time might feel bad that you got hurt. (I know, none of this makes sense) Put in in another perspective. Your daughter is reaching for something that could hurt her, you react and either grab her hand or slap it, eihter one causes some pain to her. You feel bad because you hurt her, but at the same time you don't apologize because you knew you had to do it. (not quite the same analogy, but the best I could come up with)

Here is another thought, to admit what she did, means she has to admit to her H, that she cheated on him. Maybe that is the issue. It isn't that she hurt you, is she afraid of her H's reaction if he knew the truth? I recal a previous post regarding your BIL haveing thoughts or dreams of killing and enjoying it (do I have this right?)
Could there be something going on in her house that she has not told anyone?

Thanks for the compliment. I wish my H thougth I had a heart of gold. At least someone appreciates me. Thanks. Don't worry about me. I can handle it. Right now I'm taking a break from studying. A test tomorrow and then my final next week. Then I get about a month and half off before fall semester starts. (Assuming I pass this class) If I fail, then I don't know if I can continue on or not. I will have to check with the program director. One thing at a time.

As far as my M goes, well, since this is not the first time I went through this with him, I can deal with it. This time around, there will be changes. Before we never resolved any of the past issues. I will not leave them unresolved. Right now, I have to get through school before I can tackle those things.
Take care

Sue -- my "sister" has cheated on her H SEVERAL times in their M, so that is why I am so frustrated now!!! She always blames someone else for her infidelity!!! ("her" A with her H's good friend was her H's fault <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> , he "made" her do it!!!) She is unable to admit she wanted to do it!!! I honestly don't think she cares what her H thinks or feels! I really believe that she enjoys hurting people!!! When she and I used to go out together, (she was married, I was not) she would flirt with any guy around... and she actually got pissed at me once when she was flirting with a guy and I announced (loudly) that she was married!!! ("her" response was "Why did you do that to me?") My "sister" has a track record of needing to be the center of attention where men are concerned!

Oh well, that's her problem, right? I need to worry about my M, not her! I am trying.

Thanks!
-mcnyh

Hi,

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Oh well, that's her problem, right? I need to worry about my M, not her! I am trying.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are getting there. It is her problem. Yes, she is your sister, and as mad as you are at her, there is the bond there, and you don't want to see her do this to her or any one else any longer. BUT, until she see's it as a problem there is not much that can be done.

So,
How is your day going?

Sue -- My day has been very busy!!! This morning, my older daughter bumped into her little sister and she fell face first down on the floor... blood everywhere!!! At first my H and I thought she just bit her lip, but upon closer looking, we noticed that 2 teeth were GONE!!! We took her to a pediatric dentist who took an x-ray, the teeth got shoved back up into her gums!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> She will be fine (thank God!)! The dentist says the teeth will probably come back in!!! (wierd!) As long as she is ok!!!

When we were taking my "baby" to the dentist, my H called my mom to let her know what was going on and to ask her to watch our older daughter... My H actually dropped her off by himself (I was at the dentist with my baby), my mom was nice to him!!! AND after we finished up at the dentist WE went back to my moms to pick up our other daughter, and my mom was nice again!!! She even had "small talk" with him!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Maybe this is a sign of good things to come!??!!?? (I hope!!!)

It is amazing when good things happen during a time of crisis!!!

I hope your day was much more boring!!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope all is well!

-mcnyh

My day was definetely much more boring.

Kids are in Missouri with Grandma on a vacation,
I had my test today. I'm scared to even think I passed. The last time I thought I passed I failed, so I decided not to think about it.

As far as mom goes, it is a step. She did it mostly for her grandchildren, but it is a step. Your H, showed her that being at the dentist with you was important, and that he is there for you and his girls.

I hope you have more positive steps such as this. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If there are steps backwards, don't let that discourage you as to your family towards your H. They will probably have some steps forwards and backwards. Even though it is your M that has to be rebuilt and the trust has to be rebuilt, they are also rebuilding their trust in your H that he will not hurt you again. So they may take it slow.

Now I have to study for finals for Next Wed. and I'm done until the end of august. (assuming I pass the class, rumor has it that if you don't pass this class by start of 2nd year, you cannot continue. I hope rumor is wrong. I'm checking wiht the director of the nursing program to be sure)

Sue -- We had another couple look at our house yesterday!!! Keep your fingers crossed that these will be the people who BUY!!!

I am sure you did great on your test!!! (you deserve it!)

We are going to look at a few houses today -- hope we can find a great one!!! Our counselor thinks that our moving is a great idea! (as do I!!!)

My H went to see his psychiatrist the other day, and he put him on something to help him stay on an even keel (he has always suffered from ups and downs) -- I hope this will help him feel more in control of his emotions... time will tell.

I hope all is well! (I am having a pretty good day... so far...)

-mcnyh