Hi MC,

My holidays were fine, a couple of rough spots but I made it through.

You will recover. It takes time. I think, I don't recall who, somone, somewhere out here, said even when recovery is great, and the M is better than it was, there will always be the thought at the back of your mind. I honestly think that may be a good thing. WHAT, a good thing, has Sue lost her mind. LOL. No, I have not. By keeping this in our mind, and not letting it be a negative thing but a positive thing. By positive, I mean, we will not take our M's for granted in the future. We will always let hour H's know how special they are.

If I could turn back time and have this not happen again, would I? I don't know. It is very painful, but we learn best from life's most painful lessons. Recently I sort of took stock of His Needs and my needs, what he has done for me, what I have done for him. It it was a test, I failed. I don't know if I would have done this if I didn't know about it.

I want to have a full and rewarding marriage
with my H. If this pain from the A will help me acheive this, then it will be worth it in the end

Sounded like your holidays went well. I'm glad your sister was not their to put a mark on it. '

I know it is hard, and will take time, eventually, you will be able to get to a place where you don't care what your sister says or does. This will come in time as your M gets stronger and stronger. You have alot going on. The holidays, your mom's health, your H's health, moving into a new home.

Your new home is a way for you and your H to put the past behind you and move forward.

Talk later

<small>[ January 02, 2003, 12:41 PM: Message edited by: Sue with hope ]</small>

Sue -- I have good days, I have bad days... I have days where I really don't think much about the A... and other days I can't STOP thinking about it!

I really like what you said in your last post... I have told my H that in a way the A being out in the open has really saved our M. Had it stayed a "secret", the guilt he felt would have destroyed us!!! (as it was actually starting to...)

Would I change the past if I could? duh... yeah! But, would I go back and live it again to end up with a better M?? WOW, tough question! I really think I would!

If only "she" would STOP THE INSANITY, and end the nightmare for everyone!!! (FACE TURNING BLUE... whooooooo OK, I stopped holding my breath <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

I still have dreams about "her", and in EVERY one she is laughing at me... I wake up shaking!!! I would love to have ONE night of sleep without the dreams!!!

Oh well, I know I can't complain (even though I am), I have a great H, great kids, a great house... I just want this to end.. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

We all have the right to complain.

You know, I don't think she is laughing at you. I don't know what she is thinking. I don't understand her mindset and I never will. My guess is she is frustrated because she has not control and is not getting her way.

The dreams will stop. Someday.
Take care

Sue -- I had a conversation with my brother (the cop) yesterday... He mentioned that before this all came out, he overheard my "sister" telling my mother "If I have another A, (her H) said he will leave me!" At the time he thought little of it, but now he thinks that this is the reason she can't/won't tell the truth. His theory is that her H was getting suspicious, and started asking questions (which he was), and rather than take a chance of him actually leaving her, she had to make herself the victim... that way he could not leave!

I find it almost funny...(almost)... my "sister" would always say she was such a strong woman, and when push came to shove, she turned into a pathetic weak woman! And me? I always thought I was kinda weak, and now... well, turns out I ain't as weak as I thought! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

I hope everything is going well for you. Every time you reply to me, you make me feel better, and yet there is nothing I can do/say to help you!!! Believe me, I wish there was! You deserve the best, and I look forward to the day you get just that!

-mc

Hi MC,

Thank you. I'm doing okay, better than okay.

As far as the new light on the situation, that sort of explains alot. However, how long will she portray herself as the victim? I'm sure she is not done having A's, so is she going to scream "rape" over every one? Will her H believe her over every one?

Those who generally scream the loudest are trying to convince themselves and everyone around them vs those with the inner quality of knowing. Does this make sense. You probably thought you were weak because you were not the vocal one. But when it really matters the qualities that count come through.

You are very strong. You knew your sister was lying, you stood by your H, even when you family wanted you to leave. Now they are starting to see the truth. Didn't I tell you, 'give a man (woman in this case) enough rope and they will hang themselves. All you need to do is wait and watch. If not, I should have. My mom taught me this one.

Sue -- Your mom is right... I just wish it was not taking so damn long for "her" to "hang" herself!!! I talked to my mother yesterday, and asked her to call "her". I want her to tell "her" that I still love her and forgive her for the A... although I am still mad at her, and can not forgive the lies. I also told my mother that she should tell "her" that if she is willing to tell the truth, we are not going to be shocked by her revelation, seeing as we all already know the truth, so it is not like she will suddenly look like a liar!!! AND, once she comes clean, then everyone can start to heal... including "her". I also mentioned that if "she" is willing to end this nightmare, it will make her look stronger... finally being able to face the concequences of her actions.

I know "she" is afraid that her H will leave her, but he won't... I KNOW this... to be honest, he does not have the "man things" to do that!!! (even though he said he would if she cheated again...) I know he loves her... too much in my opinion, much more than "she" deserves!!!

If nothing comes out of my moms talk with "her", I have lost nothing... BUT, if she finally sees the light (which I doubt), then I have a lot to gain!!! I am hopefull, but expect nothing.

If nothing else, I have shown my mom that I am strong, and forgiving, and trying to "fix" the family.... I wonder what "she" will show.

By the way... how is school going? Are you kicking butt? Don't forget.... WNY is always looking for nurses <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> !

-mc

I keep WNY in mind when I graduate. This semester hasn't started yet, so I trying to get as much done around the house as I can before next week. Tuesday, we have some sort of "Career develpment day" mandatory attendance, class officialy starts on Thursday

I was going to add, I hope your mom has a productive talk with her. You are wise to expect little from this

Sue- Well, I have not heard anything from my mom about "her", so I guess I was right that nothing would come of it. I still had to try. I just want this nightmare to end for my mom!!! (and of course me...) I thought that by offering an olive branch, she could come clean, and know that the family could still be fixed, even after all this time...

As my brother says, she has told sooo many lies that she can't "come clean" about just one, she would have to admit to all the lies before my H came clean, and after... I guess she is not strong enough to do it.

As for me, I am ok. I had some dental work done, so I am pretty sore, but H and I are doing good.

Do you think it is possible that "she" will ever come clean, or should I just forget about "her"???

-mc

Hi MC,

My honest opinion is, forget about her. As much as you want her to come clean so all can be out in the open, and everyone can work on healing, it will not happen until she realizes that she has to do this.

You have alot going for you, a wonderful H, who is very remorseful, will do anything so you won't leave, a loving family who is willing to give your H a chance, (even if it is with hesitancy), two very beautiful girls who love their mom and dad very much, a new house to make new memories in. You did not say much about H's family, but they sounded like very loving people.

At this point, you have to wash your hands of your sister. I'm sorry to say this. I know you love her, (even though you are so mad you say you hate her). If you did not love her, you would not want her to confess to her lies so everyone can move forward in recovery. She will be stuck in her place, and the rest of you will move forward. Eventually, everyone will tire of her lies, and tell her they don't want to hear it. At that point, she may have to start facing things. It might take years. (If ever)

This is a new year, with new beginnings.

Take care

Sue, you are right (as usual), I do love my sister, and that's why this hurts so damn much! How could she not only betray me, but then continue to twist the knife so much??? I have accepted that she is too weak to come clean. She stands to lose a lot. (H, kids, family) But what I can't understand is how anyone could be more concerned about themselves without the least bit of concern for the other people involved!!??!?!? This has hurt more people than just me and my H... besides my family, there is my MIL and SIL, who have been torn apart that their son/brother could be accused of such a thing!!! Not to mention the friends we all had in common!!! Talk about putting people in an uncomfortable position!!! This situation has gone out of control!!! How can one person have so little regard for others??? I don't make any decision unless I think it through, and make sure it's the right decision for all involved... All I can figure is that her anger at me (from the fight we had 2 days before she started this hell) just consumed her, and all she could think about was hurting me... unfortunatly her anger did not give her a chance to think things through... I don't know.

It's hard to beleive that I have not spoken to my own sister in almost 8 months!!! That's messed up!!! I won't ever let her back "in" to my life, but my god... not a single word!!! If she was so damn worried about me... why didn't she call me when I offered to listen???

I think what hurts the most is the realization that she has always hated me, for as long as I can remember... She was always mean, and mentally abusive to me, cutting me down with insults after insults... I really think (as does goodsister, and my brother) that this was something she had planned for quite some time to hurt me... I am the "baby", and got a lot of attention as a child, she always complained that the family loved me more and let me get away with more... As a matter of fact, she did not even speak to me untill I was 16!!! I really think this was the result of a lifetime of her hating me... I admit I am far from perfect, but I never did anything to deserve the wrath of "her"... She pretended to be my friend, only to use that against me! I feel so STUPID!!! I knew how she treated me, but I kept going back for more... why didn't I just walk away before she had a chance to hurt me this badly!!????!! Am I that big of a fool??? How could I let her do this to me????

I'm sorry... This has been building up for a few days now, I didn't mean to ramble on so much. I know I should shut up and be happy with what I have... I guess I just can't get over what I've lost... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

I guess this is the "down" part of the rollercoaster" ride, huh?

Thanks (as always) for reading!

-mcnyh

Yep, that down part of the rollercoaster ride is the pits. I still have them. Was having one earlier today, was not near a computer, so I could vent. Oh, well, it is gone.

You are not a fool, and don't ever think that about yourself. She is your sister, we all grow up wanting to believe the best in our sisters.

I have a sister, that everyone in the family knows that her and her H will screw you out of your money whenever they can. I honestly think it is more him than her. She has this idea in her head that it does not matter what what she thinks, she has to stand by her man and agree with what he thinks. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Yuck. They are always having money problems, usually because he is out of work AGAIN. So, they come around wanting to borrow, and we know that we will never see it again. The last time it happened, I told her I did not have any cash, what did she need if for. Her reply was food, milk, cigerettes, so I said come over and I will give you some food, I cannot help you out with the cigerettes part for two reasons, I have no cash and two when money is this tight you have to borrow it, you can go without the smokes. (Personally I think it was so her H could buy beer or pot). I was not going to contribute to that. I understand that because I gave her food, she now did not have to buy food and she has money for smokes or pot. I hoping that she was honest, but at least I didnt' give her cash for it

Things will get better.

Another bad night... I try to think of something else (ANYTHING else) before I close my eyes... but it still creeps into my dreams...

I thought I was doing really good... I have not cried in months... but lately, I just want to cry really hard. I look forward to going to our therapist... he always makes me feel better, at least for a while.

I know I have to wash my hands of my sister, but how??? This will effect my entire family!!! And I certainly can't expect them to do the same!!! (although I will admit that sometimes I wish they could...)

And I AM a FOOL... I KNEW something was going on with them... I told my H once when he was running to her "rescue" that I was "going to dust him for fingerprints when he got home!" COME ON... I would get pissed whenever she would call saying she "needed" my H's help with something, I KNEW... YET I DID NOT DO A DAMN THING!!! I sat back, got pissed, and got screwed over!!! That is not what I should have done... I knew she was after him... even before the A happened... I EVEN WARNED MY H!!! He thought I was being insecure and jealous!!! I really want to SCREAM!!! And part of me still wants to grab my sister and smack her in the face! (Although I would never actually do that...)

Is this bitterness (that has been dormant for so long) part of the rollercoaster ride??? I get soooooo angry at her... I want to scream at her "HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME????" I want my mom to tell her "STOP!!!" I want this all to just STOP!!!

I want my life back.... <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

-mc

Hi MC,

Don't be so hard on yourself. You wanted to trust them after all, this was your sister he was with, if you cannot trust your sister, who can you trust?

Hi,
I'm back, I should have said more, but I didn't know what to say. I was trying to do too many things at one time.

I mean it, don't be so hard on yourself. You are/were not a fool. I would assume I could trust my sisters with my H. It is the line you NEVER cross.

I asked a friend how long it took her to trust her H from when he cheated. She did not recall, she just knew it took a couple of years if not more. I know, WHAT 2 YEARS. Since you have having a great R with you H now, it's worth the patience isn't it?

I've been having dreams too lately. I don't know why.

Take care.

Hi MC,

How is it going?

Hi!

I saw your post, and had to reply...

I am dealing with the same thing. My husband and sister had an affair that ended almost 2 years ago. I found out about a year and a half ago. God, I hate even writing that. We opted not to tell anyone (except one very close friend). So our families don't know, etc... SO in that respect our situations are a little different.

I just wanted to write to let you know that you are not alone in this whole horrible thing. I saw that somebody else recently found out something similar, but somehow lost that thread.

Anyway, if I can be of any help to either of you guys, I know how badly it sucks! It still does--though there are good days, but still not a day goes by that I don't think of it and feel like hell.

OK, take care and hang in there!

amy

sometimes I wonder if the "bad" days will ever go away... The longer "she" drags this crap on, the harder it is to deal with. I'm sure "she" knows this, and is enjoying every second of it!!!

How will I ever be able to face her again??? It's been over 8 months, and she has not even taken me up on my offer to talk!!! The more time goes by, the more I feel like I can only hate her...

Amy... Knowing what you know.. do you still have contact with your sister??? If your family does not know, how do you handle family gatherings??? Do you have to see them both together at the same time??? (I would probably throw up if I did!!!)

I will take any suggestions I can get!!!

Thanks!

MC

p.s. -- Sue, how is everything going for you?

Hi MC,

Everything is going good. I think my H does not have much to do with OW. I can only hope. He is home more, wants to do more with me, all that stuff.

He has been doing little things, some sort of corny but sweet, and I appreciate them.

He suggested we move to CA. He has always wanted to go back there. He was stationed there when in the Navy. He loved CA. I'm thinking about it.

Hi MC,

So, did you get bombarded with all that snow? For MN, we hardly have any snow. Usually we get one good blasting a year, and multiple times per winter. By this time, we usually have snow up to the knees. The last few winters we have hardley had any snow. The owners of snowmobiles are complaining they don't get to use their snowmobiles.