First off, I am sorry for the aweful pain that you are suffering through...and there will be plenty more to come. You cannot rush through the forgiveness and healing process, it will only be a band-aid on a gaping wound that can come apart with the slightest slip-up. It is 4 months since my D-Day with my WW and she is yelling at me to "let it go", "just drop it already". It almost brings me back to day one again.
Please, whatever you do, stop trying to get her pregnant or even considering adoption at this point. How ironic that she started doing this after she knew she was pregnant. I wonder what changed in her psyche when that occured? There may emotional issues at hand that even she doesn't understand. Question: How do you know for sure that she really told her friend about the A? Are you going on her word alone on that? As far as I am concerned, you have the right to do whatever you need to do in protecting yourself from further hurt in dealing with this; barring having an A yourself, that is. Comments from your W like "He's not that hairy." are hurtful and damn inconsiderate. If she is going to be defensive of her actions or his actions you aren't going to get anywhere, And please, tell her to save the damn excuses. I have heard so many different reasons it's not even funny. The only thing my W left out was aliens came down here and made her do it. And I don't know how you feel about this, and others here will disagree with me, but to me there is a huge difference between Emotional and Physical Affairs. The sexual aspect of a PA hits you at such a deep gut level. It adds a layer of pain that is special unto itself, in my book. I, too, was plagued by images in my head of them together, because as you so aptly put it, we know our spouses very well that way and can easily imagine how they would do this, that, or the other thing. I also went through a few weeks of an almost insatiable appetite for super-sex. We did everything in the world. It was hard for me to understand why. It seemed almost primordial and prehistoric. Was I competing? Was I reclaiming? Was I in some sick way slightly turned-on by images of my W with another man? So confusing! That died down to normal though. But, my main point to you is this: Forget about having kids with this woman and count your blessings on the miscarriage. A child will NOT help "heal" this situation. And again, please take your time, do not rush this or sugar-coat it or gloss over it, as it will always be lurking just beneath the surface of your relationship ready to pop up at any given time. You'll be amazed at how many things will trigger a reaction in you as the weeks and months go by. I still get them real bad on occassion and it takes everything I have not to take jabs at her when I remember something or a trigger event takes place. But good luck to you in your endeavor to heal and save your marriage. God Bless.
<small>[ July 08, 2002, 11:36 AM: Message edited by: Blind Sided ]</small>
