I have only posted one time at MB. Most of the time I am just learking but your situation sounds very similar how mine started. I believe that you are doing the right things. I have been plan A'ing for a very long time. Most of that time was prior to finding this site. Once I came here I realized that I was doing the right things. H is very confused. We have been dealing with the for about a year and a half. We discussed and discussed about a year ago and then we just began to avoid. I thought that his EA was over and we were building. I found out almost a year later that it was still going on. They work together. When I found this out I told him that I would not live like this any more. He was so much more attentive to me but he couldn't give her up. I let him know that he would either need to give her up or leave the house. He told me that night that he would leave. I was devestated. One of my kids was out of town so I told him that we would wait until he returned to tell the kids (3). Prior to that happening we talked again and he decided that he could give her up and wanted to stay. He was supposed to tell her the next day. Well he didn't. I was angry by this time. Over night he came to some realization that HE is the problem. He was killing me and leading her on. Those were his words. He still believed that he needed to move out. He did the next day. He went and got on medication for depression and made an appointment with a counselor. He has been gone for 2 months tomorrow. We keep very close contact. He has not yet committed to NC with OW. I don't ask. I just continue to support the work his is doing for himself. I in the mean time am working on myself. We have not discussed divorce. I believe that he will come home to me. He has told me that that is what he wants. He does say that he wants it to be forever so he is working towards that committment. I am also in IC and on anti-depress meds as well. I have defined my part in why he was unsure about his happiness at home and am working on those issues. I do not blame myself. I know that I love this man but I can not control how he feels. I have become very strong through this and once he left I realized that I will be fine either way. I would love to support you in any way that I can. I believe that you are doing all the right things and at some point he will be strong enough to do the right thing. There is no telling how long this will take but you hang in there. I will be watching for you.

I am having a very, very hard week. It is like I can't stop myself from LB'ing and I don't know what to do. My very best girlfriend is moving today, so I am very sad. I thought I had gotten over this, but it hit me hard yesterday when I realized that she is really leaving. It does not help that my WH and I have had a difficult week. The A and OW seem to be his focus right now. I am making myself crazy wondering about it and I am making him crazy asking about it. It has been tense at home and, therefore, I feel less secure about my situation.

My big concern right now is a weekend trip that WH is taking. I LB'd huge this morning questioning him about it. He is going out of town to play softball - these trips are totally normal and he has played for years. I used to go with him on all the weekend trips before we had kids. Anyway, this tournament is about 3.5 hours away and is not a good one for the kids. So, I am staying home. However, he wants to go a night early - so, naturally, I question whether OW is going with him. He told me that he had not mentioned it to her yet, but that if she wants to go that would be fine with him. I don't understand how he thinks that his friends (whom I know) will not realize that he has another woman with him, but for some reason he thinks that he can keep it a secret. I guess that's not my problem, is it? I don't know....

Anyway, it is grueling for me to wonder if he is spending the weekend with her while I am home with the kids. I asked if he would at least tell me if she was going so I wouldn't make myself more miserable with my imagination running wild. But, as you can imagine, the conversation was not pleasant. He feels like I am hoovering over him and checking up on him. I feel like I am just trying to hold on to the things most precious in my life. I am so lonely.

He called shortly after I got to work and said he was sorry about everything. A moment of remorse, maybe? I can tell that he is truly torn about what to do. I feel helpless and scared. Maybe I need to refocus on what Plan A is all about, ME - and my kids. But, I am afraid that if I focus on me and not WH, I am letting the A continue. I try to remind myself that I can't really do anything to hasten the end of the A, but it is so hard. I am also afraid of driving him to OW - I think that is what I have been doing this week. But, how can focusing on ME make him want to stay with me instead of OW?

I need some encouragement today..... please help!

I don't know what is up with my WH right now. He went away for the weekend - supposedly without OW. I think he probably went to see her at some point, but I don't think she was with him for the trip. Anyway, he seemed really down the times that I talked to him on the phone. Since he got home, he has been very strange. He has ups and downs. His explanation is that he is tired, but it seems more for some reason. His eyes have been very bloodshot, and he has a very short fuse lots of the time. However, other times he wants to just sit and talk with me (not about A or M). He is very close to our kids and I know he missed them terribly while he was gone for 2 days.

Meanwhile, I had a good weekend. I had lots of time to think and decided to re-dedicate myself to a strong Plan A. I have been attentive, happy, and have done a good job of avoiding LB's. However, I still feel like he is pushing me away at times. And it still hurts when he responds to my I Love You's with just "OK".

I expected that he would be happy this week. WH and OW are both teachers and today is their first day back at school. I thought that they would be happy at the prospect of seeing each other daily again. Why the short fuse?

Any thoughts about what is going on here? He says that he is not mad at me about anything, but his temper is on the edge. I don't know if there is trouble with OW or he perceives trouble at home or none of the above. Does anyone have any experience with a similar situation? What should I do?

Also, should I ask him tonight about seeing OW today? Or, should I just let it go for now and avoid the LB while he is in his "mood"?

I NEED some help. Last night was awful for me - I didn't think I could sink this low. WH and I talked - too much about the "what if's" if we divorce, in my opinion - and too much about how OW feels so bad about all this, blah, blah, blah.... Anyway, I ended up LB'in BIG TIME and lots of things were said that hurt me very, very deeply. I didn't sleep at all, am sick to my stomach, and am basically a wreck. I am losing hope. However, I am desperate for this marriage to survive because I want my kids to grow up with our family intact and I still love my WH.

I have realized that I can't continue like this. I am dying inside. I am going to make an appt with me Dr. to get on an anti-depressant. I also want to go to IC. My WH is not opposed to me going, however he insists that I go in another city (like 2.5-3 hours away) because he fears the consequences to his job and reputation if anyone found out about his A. He is SOOOOO deep in the fog. In his mind, OW is a saint and being with her is the best thing that ever happened to him. He will not tell me that he loves me, but admitted that he tells OW that he loves her. Does this M even have a chance?

I don't think that IC so far away is what I need. I need somone close that I can see more often. Should I start seeing someone where I live and just keep it from him?

Please, please - someone respond. I am desperate today.

Dear WTW,

things seem to be bad in many places these days... sorry to hear you are feeling so sad, too.

You MUST start to take care of your needs. Put your foot down and tell him: Look I am keeping this A a secret, but I NEED to speak to someone close by (counsellers are like doctors-they are bound by confidentiality). And it is very obvious that your husband does not support you as -even- a friend. He is deep in the fog and sees only himself. You have no obligation to follow his requests- how does he dare to try to force you to drive to another city. But don't start to be dishonest with him. Tell him what your needs are. Maybe you two can reach an agreement of some form.
Strength and all the best for you, WTW.

Dear WTW.

I am so sorry for all you have been through. I read your entire thread and feel for you tremendously. My situation is similar but different in the fact that husband is home and totally committed to "getting his wife back"...but of course the asterisks are there.

A little of my story, he left a week before Christmas to be alone (was confused). In january OW contacted me by email (at work) to inform me of her and his relationship. He denied, I changed jobs, she found me at my next job and continued. In February he began getting out of the fog but I questioned his every move. He moved back home in March (she contacted me again) and I soon found out the truth to lots of lies he had told me. Roses, trip to S.A. for her birthday and him contacting her to (he says) make her leave me alone. In April, there was another contact initiated by my husband to her (to tell her to move on, RIGHT!!!) but she didn't answer...instead she called his cell while we were out. He called her to tell her to leave him alone but when he called her I was right next to him and before he could talk she said, "you called me, WHAT?"...I liked to had flipped. Of course, for 3 hrs he tried to get me to believe she didn't say that...in the end he admitted to calling her but chalked it up to being stupid.

I don't know....I am sorry about going into my story, but I guess I just needed to vent myself, since it hasn't gotten much easier, as well as to let you know you are not alone. I'm sure you got married for the same reason I did....to live together, good or bad, but at least together. I have seen my faults and want so much to correct them but question ALL THE TIME, why he deserves this sweet perfect wife now after all the crap he has brought to OUR lives. It's hard....I know.

Hang in there!!! My H has never admitted feelings or anything for this person. Sometimes I am thankful for that, but many other times I just wish he would come clean. He insists to this day it was a friendship that she totally mistook and decided to try and break up our marriage since it was a little rocky when he ran into her (she's an old H.S. classmate). Whatever the reason, I can't change it and neither can he. It is especially hard for me because he lied so many times I keep waiting for the next revelation to come out in the open.

Hang in there. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope to continue talking to you. Hopefully one day we can all (everyone on MB) can laugh about this "bump in the road" and be truelly happy.

Am I a fool?

I think I officially "crashed" this week. I started on an anti-depressant, so I am hoping I will start feeling better soon.

I am so, so confused by my WH. This week has been especially volatile because both WH and OW returned to school and are seeing each other daily again. I thought I was prepared to handle this, but I was not.

Tuesday night we had a conversation that involved lots of discussion about splitting up. Wednesday night, we had a conversation that involved the possibility of us moving and WH indicating that there is hope for the M. Tonight, WH tearfully declared his love for OW and desire to leave the marriage for her if we can agree on terms for the kids...... His thought is that if we can't agree on terms where he will see the boys daily, he will stay in the M and still see OW.... Isn't that what I am allowing in Plan A? I am so confused.

Is there any hope here? I want to save the M, but I am hurting so bad. If there is no hope, I guess it should end sooner than later or I will just get hurt more.

Anyone out there?

Dear WTW,

my heart goes out to you and your children! This is exactly the situation I could have been in too if the OW's boyfriend hadn't walked in on my H and her and the A had been ended.

Your H is soo deep in the fog-confused-has no idea where is his way. But this is what happens in As. I can feel your pain.

WTW, YOU NEED HELP NOW.

What happened to your plan to see a therapist? Is that the person who prescribed the antidepressants? Please let me know if you have someone to talk to.

Maybe you should think about Plan B...remove yourself from this daily pain...from the constant worrying...build your own life... Get support from your friends or maybe relatives. You don't have to be ashamed of your H's behavior-he has to be ashamed. You need people around you to help you through this, to give you hugs and to listen to you in your darkest hours.

I hope for you that this A will die a natural death and that your H gets out of the fog one day.

Please WTW get help NOW (!!!!!!!).
Keep me posted what's happening with you.

<<<Cyber hugs>>> (not as good as real ones...)

WTW,

how are you?
How are things going?
Please let us know...

Liza -
Thanks for checking on me. This weekend was miserable. I am constantly on the edge - back and forth between anger and despair. I am starting to feel used.

Today my olderst son started Kindergarten. I am also emotional about that, so I am especially delicate this week. My baby is growing up....!!!

The depression is getting the best of me. I got on an anti-depressant after seeing my GP last week - I told her everything. My WH does not know that I went to see her, though. I hope that the meds will help me improve very soon.

I am desperate for a resolution to this situation. But, I partly think it is the depression that is making me feel unsettled. I am going to try to wait until I start feeling better and have a level head before making any permanent decisions. I told my WH that I am going to make an appt to get counseling. He asked me to "give him some time" - but I don't think that he is going to end this A anytime soon. I know I have to stop worrying about him and start thinking about me. I don't want to make any moves that I will regret - that's why I want to get some counseling.

I think that I am going to try to muddle through the next few days. Then, I am going to make an appt with a counselor - ironically, the person I trust happens to be the person who married us. I never thought I would be back in his office with something like this.

WH cannot imagine ever loving me again the way he loves OW. I know that is probably "fog talk", but it hurts, nonetheless. I don't know what I want right now.....

Thanks for being there. I really need a friend.

Dear WTW,

I am so glad to hear from you again. I was worried about you. You are going through something that is so hard to deal with. Good, that you told your GP about it and that you want to see the therapist. Do you think you could tell your girlfriend who moved away? I was on the phone a lot with my best friend in Europe.

Anti-depressants sometimes take a while to start working. What are you taking?

Good that you want to be better in terms of the depression before you make permanent decisions.

I spoke with my husband about your story. At one point some weeks ago I told him that I was so afraid that he would abandon me and our two boys (18 mos and 6 yrs). I said it was some kind of instinct, like when the people lived in caves and when the protector of the family left, the children would be prey for the wolves, bears or sabertooth tigers (something like that...). He said that that really shook him up. Do you know what I meant by that? Some primal fear...

My husband is so thankful that he got the wake-up call and the A ended. But I always think, if that boyfriend hadn't walked in, I'd be in the same mess as you now. I admire your plan A'ing. I found ( and find) that incredibly difficult. Maybe Steve is right and it's the only way to get your spouse back, but at what cost? You ignore your own needs and just try to be nice all the time. For example: Instead of expressing your anger, you just bury it. Mine comes up to the surface at times- and "angry outburst" sounds way to tame to describe what happens then.

I just hope that your WH comes out of his fog. Remember: he just thinks right now that he loves the OW (Alien abduction...fog...). You have the two children, you were his great love before, you are a wonderful person (I can tell from your postings!), you did things to look your very best . Hell with him if he wants to be stuck in fog-you're a great catch! AND you have new tools to make your marriage happy, because now you know about EN, LB and Steve's concepts. The OW has no clue about that. And remember As die a natural death, especially when the WH has two small children to abandon.

Stay strong, dear WTW. I have to figure out, how to get another email account in earthlink, then you can email me there (the current one has my name and I don't want to post that
here).

(BTW: In terms of looking your very best: I don't know if there's one close to you, but Lord&Taylor is having a great sale-bought a slinky black evening gown (Ralph Lauren!!!) today for 21$!!! Little black dress for 24$, 4 1/2 inch sandals for 25$-had a nice effect on my H when I walked down the stairs in that, LOL).

<<<Cyberhugs>>>

Dear WTW:

what's happenig with you?
Let us know, please...
We are here for you.

Well, I have been on my anit-dep (effexor) for a week now. I am feeling better. It is still really hard to do Plan A, though, when I know the A is still going on and my WH can't commit to the marriage.

I told him that I was going to get an appt for IC. He said he is very afraid of me seeing someone because he is afraid that the fact he is having an A might get back to our family and friends. He is afraid that discovery of his A would make recovery more difficult. He asked for "some time to sort things out." I wish I knew what that meant. He seems to want to stay in the marriage sometimes, and still has fantasy-land plans about leaving other times. I haven't called for an appt with the counselor yet - I am going to try to just Plan A with no talk of M or A until Labor Day. Then I will decide what to do.

A few things that bother me alot - he will not say "I Love You," will not kiss me on the lips, and will not sleep in the same bedroom as me. Naturally, I am taking these things personally and am very hurt and obsessive about them. Is it really me? I know he loves me on some level - is this just part of the "fog?" Will he ever be able to regain his love for me?

Dear WTW,

so glad to hear from you!!!

Good that you set a time frame. Labor day sounds like a wise choice.

I can imagine that the Plan A'ing must be really hard for you. But I admire you so much for being able to do it under these circumstances.

How is your H with his kids? Maybe you should start thinking of them as "strong weapons' in your arsenal. I know that family life is not always picturesque, like when little five-year-olds take 45 minutes to eat one salad leaf at a time under maximal protest...but I can imagine that bathing your toddler or cuddling with the two of them in the mornings HAS to mean something to your H. How did your family vacation go?

I tried to make our family life as nice as possible, keep the disagreements over salad to a minimum (the big one is with my parents for the summer anyways, we miss him terribly, but our dinners have been VERY peaceful), the little one is a joy, but we still leave him with the nanny at times to be together as a couple.

Keep in touch, WTW! Lots of strength!!!

Liza -
I have a little extra time today - had to come home from work this afternoon because my toddler is sick. Turns out he is really just teething, I think, but I decided to go ahead and stay home anyway. Gives me a chance to wind down.

I can't tell you how much I appreciate your encouragement. Some days, like today, I feel like my WH and I are going to make it through this. Other days, I start making plans for being on my own. The emotional rollercoaster is unbearable at times. I know that everyone here would agree. So, why do we do it?

I love my WH dearly. He is a strong, intelligent, gentle, generous man. He is a wonderful father - my kids couldn't ask for a better dad. He is a good person; he is just making a big mistake with this A. I intend to stand by him as long as I can - and hopefully he will wake up and realize what is at stake before it is too late.

My WH comes from a divorced family. His own father had multiple A's throughout all 3 of his marriages and was not a good father to my WH for many years. My WH's greatest fear is being like his own dad. I hope that he realizes he is at the crossroads of that path right now. I hope he makes the right choice and does the right thing. Otherwise, he will lose the best thing that ever happened in his life - ME! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

And, by the way, I have also lost 13 lbs of that post-pregnancy weight. I must admit I do look good! Short shorts and tank tops are not usually my style, but lately...... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hope all is well with you! WTW

Hi WTW,

do you communicate (at less foggy times)with your husband about your feelings about him? What you wrote sounds so loving and meets top EN for guys: ADMIRATION!!!

When I read how you are doing, I always think this could be my husband in the same fog. I really love your new attitude: "He could loose the best thing that ever happened to him-me" (yes, right, right, right, that's it!!! You go girl!!!. And wear those sexy clothes! Yes! And tell him jokingly everytime a guy was hitting on you! Exactly, right. I wrote this post about not wearing my wedding ring under General Questions Thursday and I "complained" about this guy flirting with me in the parking lot, actually he was a cute orthopedic surgery professor with a Mercedes convertible . Oh- it was so "terrible" -terribly good for the self-esteem... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> and I made sure to tell my husband every detail of this.

I wish so much that my husband could sit down for a beer with yours and tell him how his fog disappeared in an instant and how that love for me and his sons returned so strong. Now he says that he can't understand at all what he was thinking in the fog. He is seeing IC to answer that question.

I hope that you will see a MC, because despite the bad days there still seems to be hope for your M. It sounds like those As in Harley's books that will die a natural death. Problem is that your H and OW work together and have contact every day. Your thinking about plan B -as hard as it may seem right now- maybe is a good step. I have read many posts by men where WW were called cake-eaters when they would not agree to break off contact with their OMs.

I admire you for plan Aing and giving your H this chance. Is he totally against the solution of moving away with you to another city and quitting his job? Can you influence him in that direction?
The withdrawal would probably be very strong but he would not see her every day.

I was on call Friday that's why I still haven't managed to get another email (computer illiterate...)

Be strong and let me know what's going on.

Hi...I am new here to this site only a few days now. I have been reaeding posts from "willingtowait". I am in the exact situation that you are in down to a tee. I am so upset and literally sick (diahrea every morning) over this, I know you are going through hell too, but could i ask you for advice. My husbands A started around the beginning of July (2002), they parted August 7 (2002) only cause she was going back to where she lived (she was on holidays visiting here in town). It has now been almost 3 weeks since he has seen her, but they are in contact through chatting on compter and also using the webcam. He says he doesnt love me anymore that he loves her, and he is bascially living here with us for the sake of the children. I am doing everything i can to make him love me again and to fix this mess. My question is am I expecting miracles to happen too fast , its only been just about 3 weeks since they parted. I told him i didnt think he loved her, and that he needed to get his life back to a bit of normalancy like before all this happened. He doesnt want me to touch him or he gets upset when i talk loveinly about him or us as a couple. I have not told him i know that he is still in contact with, but i am sure he knows that i know. I know if i was to say to cut off contact with her if you want this to work out between us, he would say no.I have read most of this site and have started to put some of the plans in action. but i dont seem to be getting anywhere, tell me is it too soon for me to be seeing any light of day.Oh, and the OW is planning a visit back to our town in December, and he has already said that he will be seeing her then, OH God could this get any worse , please anyone help me with some hope..thank you A/C0810

Hello All!

Liza - Thanks for the word of encouragment. Oh how I wish my WH could have tha beer with yours - maybe someone else could help him see what is going on. It is just a LB coming from me. I continue to have good days and bad days. Thursday was particularily hard because WH had to go see OW because she called him upset about some crisis in her life. Naturally, it upset me that he went. He did tell me what he was doing and what had happened to her - I don't know if that is a good sign or a bad one. Is he feeling closer to me and trusts me and is therefore sharing more of his life with me? Or, is he getting more comfortable letting the A come into the open? I don't know..... Any advice on what to do?

A/C0810 - I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this. Unfortunately, it will probably get worse before it gets better. This is truly the worst thing that has ever happened to me in my life, and I imagine that you feel the same way. I would suggest getting Harley's books immediately - espeically Surviving an Affair. It will help you see what you are dealing with and will tell you what to do. The most important thing to realize - and I still have to remind myself of this every day - is that there is nothing you can do to bring and end to the A. You need to take this time to improve yourself and become a stronger person. You are going to need it down the line. I also got on anti-depressants recently. I thought I could go through this without them, but it is so much harder than I imagined. I had to do it so that I could still be a good mother to my children and so I can try to think clearly and make good decisions as time passes. If you are really down, you might consider it. Let me know how you are doing.

Until next time! WTW

willingtowait...thanks so much for your quick reply. Plan A states that i need to address to him that he should have no contact with the OW. We are not even talking about it, i think it is too painful on both of our parts. I am just trying to do everything and be the best wife i can be. I am hoping the A will die out on its own. I know if i asked him to quit talking to her on the computer he would say no. Is it possible to let things go on this way, and maybee it will burn itself out. A/C0810

Dear WTW and A/C0810,
I've only been lurking recently, and getting some much needed encouragement from your posts.
I've been pretty much in Plan A for past six months, 3 months officially, but most of this time from a distance.
My husband's A is probably blossoming and 99% sure PA whenever they see each other. I do not snoop, but boy sometimes the urge is strong, I do know that at least from my kids side my relations with them are much better and they did notice I am calmer and better looking now.
Unfortunately I get no feedback from my H. Worse yet his coldness and distance seem to eat up whatever self esteem I build when he was gone.
I resent his refusal to participate even in non-emotional small-talk type encounters with me, he also makes it hard to fulfill whatever need I guess I was not filling before. It makes it relly hard to improve my conversation skills.
He pretty much does not want me to do anything for him. At least I try not to LB which is hard considering I have to endure his constant and long phone calls/IT sessions/emails - I have to assume to her.
I do intend to continue Plan A as long as my love for him stays above bare minimum. I do hope his infatuation/love to OW will end eventually, the problem is I have to take care of myself regardless of the outcome.

I am dissappointed that despite me keeping my promise ( not talking about the A to friends/family/kids, beeing calm, giving him space and time to think out w/o bothering him with unnecessary contact) he seems to forget that he in return was supposed to think about which side of the fence he wants and let me know after his vacation.
I waited two weeks after his return, during which we seemed to grow further apart, and yesterday I calmly let him know that we need to talk within next few days. I will wait to see if he approaches me.
If not I will state my current state of resolve with honest letting him know that I am running out of stamina.

Any advice about not appearing threating/demanding/judgemental but to let know that the ongoing A drains me quickly?

I am not sure but probably I will do it in form of a letter. It will NOT be a plan B letter yet.
I did give him a card 2 months ago encouraging him to try communicating with me, I left EN questionnaire out but did not press him to fill it out.
I am just afraid that now I should be more protective about myself and the kids and have little trust left in him regarding any matter.
I hate to make any move that would push him away.
But I feel more and more trapped between unsuspecting kids, parents, inlaws, well intentioned friends making "normal" comments which usually would be appreciated and welcomed and now hurting like h***. (Like "oh, you must LOVE being alone without the kids, must be so happy together after this long business trip etc.) I feel very lonely.
Honestly, without this board and prayers I would not last this long.

I will be reading and learning more ways to cope and improve myself and disregard his "alien" state of mind.

Sorry for long vent on your thread. Just had to let it out.

In a weird way it helps that I am not alone in this strange ordeal.
FBOW