Hi FBOW...i wish i knew myself how to handle my situation without beingthreatning/demanding/judgemental, cause i too am very drained about my H ongoing A. D-day for me was july 25, but i knew a couple of weeks before that. When you talk about the distance and coldness, i know what you mean, it hurts so badly. Yesterday H was wrestling with the children on the floor, i was sitting on the couch, usually he would pull me down into it, now doesnt even look at me never mind include me. I had to leave the room cause it hurt so bad. Anyway i just hope what everyone says here is true, about most A's, but i am very disillusioned and honesly at times i think the worst is gonna happen, that he will eventually leave us.

I see most of the descriptions of everyone's situation at the bottom of their posts, so here is mine (i am not used to these abreviations yet, so bare with me..thanks A/C0810

M...17 years
2 children, one almost 13 and one 15
d-day...probably about July 13, offically July25
BW...age 45
WH...age 46
Only contact with OW right now is through the computer (email,webcam,voice chatting)but she is returning to our town in December, when my H says he will be seeing her again then. So i have approximately 4 months to get him to love me again... thanks again WTW and FBOW..from A/C0810

Dear WTW,

How are you doing?

I remember that you said some time ago that you would do plan A until labor day and then think about plan B.

I haven't heard from you in a while and was thinking about you a lot.

Please let us know how you are.

<<<Cyberhugs>>>

Hello Liza - thanks so much for checking up on me. I have thought about posting several times over the past few days, but never got to the computer.

Things in my life seemed to be going pretty well for awhile. I took your advice and finally confided in my best girlfriend. I took some vacation from work, went to see her new house, and had a great time doing "girl stuff." Pedicures, eyebrow waxes, new perfume - we pampered ourselves and had a great time. We also talked alot. It helped alot.

I have been doing a great Plan A - and living more for myself and my boys. Exercise, shopping, reading (for pleasure, not help!) - things I have denied myself over the past several months. Consequently, my WH seemed to feel better. He said he felt like some of the pressure was off him finally. I really felt like we were making progress.

Then, as usual, it falls apart. As you know, I had set a goal of Labor Day for myself. So, I initiated a conversation about our M that evening. Needless to say, it did not go well. He indicated that he felt lately that he is leaning toward leaving and thinks that we are headed for a split. I LB'd all over the place and we were both exhausted after hours of "discussing." We finally had a sort of breakthrough at the end of the evening, and had a true heartfelt conversation. The thing that hit me is that he said he is trying to be my friend and I want him to be my husband. Conversely, I am trying to be his wife and what he really needs is for me to be his friend.

I am back to feeling bad again. He has been more in tune with my feelings the last day or so, but I still don't know where this is headed. He is still in contact with OW and does not want to cut it off. He does not know what he wants, really. Some days I think I can outlast this A, others are really, really hard.

I made and appt with a counselor. I will see him tomorrow. I am nervous about actually doing it, but I think it is time. I will let you know how it goes.

Thanks for the hugs! WYW

Dear WTW,

it sounds to me like you are making a lot of right decisions. I am so glad you spoke to your girlfriend. It felt like sharing the burden and not having to carry it all alone to me.

Good luck tomorrow with the counseller. It may feel a little strange in the beginning to talk about your deepest feelings with a stranger but see it like you are going to the doctor. Just that counsellers are trained to take care of your soul and not your body. Same confidentiality and specialized training. I hope so much that it will help you.

Think about this, WTW... This AM we were cuddling with our two sons (the older one is back from vacation since yesterday) and afterwards I told my H about our boys - See they are so much like you, they look like you, they have the same character like you and they are the closest in this world to you with your parents (meaning blood relatives...). How could you ever think of abandoning them? Not just that you almost abandoned me, but them?

Talk to you later.
All the best to you.

I think you should tell. It is the best way to stop your H from having more affairs.Your being too nice, just think about what he is doing to you and your family. Tell family members,tell his mother&father.Blow his cover.I did this after the second A my H had.I wish I would have done it after the first.He even said that the first affair was not "painfull" because I protected him.

I did it. I told WH this afternoon that it is time for him to make a choice; either end the A or leave. I was calm and understanding during the entire conversation. I told him that I love him and I want this marriage to work. I told him that I was getting counseling. And I told him that it is time for me to stop living with this A.

He took it as well as I could expect, I guess. He is very torn. He feels like it is real love for OW and he wants to be with her. But he does not want to leave our boys. Facing a choice between the two is hard for him. Unfortunately, I am not sympathetic. (I did not LB the whole time, although I was firm.)

WH felt that he had to go discuss things with OW. I told him he needed to do whatever was necessary to make a decision, but that one had to be made. He has been gone most of the afternoon. I have been suprised at how well I have handled knowing he is at her house - I think I have gotten stronger than I realized.

WH called as I have writing this update. He said he is still at her house, but that he is coming home soon - tonight. I don't know what that means and I guess I will not read anything into it for now.

I really do think that my WH loves me. My IC does not think that WH will leave when faced with the choice. I think he will. But, I also think that he will realize in a short time what he is giving up and will come home and try to work this out.

I know I am taking a chance using "tough love." But, I have realized that I cannot live like this any longer. I do not want my marriage to end, but I cannot continue to be second choice. I may end up alone and a single mother, but at least I will still have myself.

Did I do the right thing? Feedback, please!!!!!

Dear WTW,

yes, you did the absolute right thing!!!

You have become a strong woman now and -also- you have discovered your ability to handle a life crisis like this.

My heart goes out to you and you know that. So many times in the past weeks I have wanted to tell you to be firm with your H. But you had to reach that point yourself where you are the one who makes that decision.

You can be proud of yourself because you have shown selfless caring love for him while you tried Plan A. You have given him any chance possible to change, you have tried so hard to work for your marriage. You put your own feelings second to the big goal of keeping your family together-for your children, for yourself and for him. Now you know that you have tried everything.
Now it is time for Plan B. I totally agree with you and I have endless admiration for what you have done!

Be strong now. I hope your husband comes out of his fog. He may not right now, but you wrote that he loves his sons. They are his closest relatives in this world, he is supposed to protect them and be there for them - and he knows that.

Now think about your own feelings and -please- start seeing your H as what he is. Do not excuse his behavior any longer!

I am at work tonight. You can write to me, I'll be checking the forum.

All the best to you. Be a strong woman - I know you are.
<<<Big Cyberhug>>>

Thanks for the encouragement, Liza. I have felt like such a different person these past few days. Strong and in control of my life for the first time since d-day. Like I told my conselor (I saw him again today), I know that each day still brings a new emotion and a new perspective, but today I feel positive.

My WH has yet to commit to a decision. After he returned home Sunday, we had another long talk. Actually, he did most of the talking and I listened. I think that he just started to face the reality of what has happened. My refusal to tolerate living with the A any longer has made him look hard at the situation in a manner that he has not done until now. He was extremely emotional - like a wall finally came down inside him. He said that OW pointed out during his discussions with her that everything he said kept pointing to one thing - that he could not leave his kids. I think that subconsciously he knows he cannot leave and will have to end the A. He asked for a few more days to make a "decision" and I agreed (there are a few minor medical issues that we have to deal with early this week). But, I was firm that there needed to be a resolution by the end of this week. I told him that if he could not make a decision by then, he would need to go stay somewhere else until he made up his mind. He does not want to send mixed messages to the boys by leaving and then coming home, so hopefully we can move ahead one way or the other soon.

My conselor told me today that I need to make sure to stand by my word and not allow further "extensions." I know that is my tendency with my kids, and ironically it is something my WH gets upset with me about......! So, I will be firm, but loving, and insist he make a choice. I may end up by myself, but I think I am OK with that for now. My gut feeling is that he will end the A and stay home. I think that WH and OW both have that feeling after their last conversation. Hopefully a few days of absorbing things will make things more clear.

Well, that is the latest from here. I will be sure to update as things progress. For now, I am going to go take my kids for a walk...it is beautiful outside!

Later - WTW

Dear WTW,

finally I figured out how to get an email account.
If you want, you can email me at:
iceprincessmail@yahoo.com.

All the best in these difficult days and lots of strength...

Dear WTW,

I've been waiting to hear from you.

I hope things are o.k. with you...