Bradleym,

Give it time, and keep talking to your W. Talk about other things, and even the future. It seems she is trying and so are you. You two are still really new at this, and it will take about 6 months before you start to feel better about many things. I suspect that will be true for her as well.

So give it time and patience and keep talking and really work on meeting each others EN's.

God Bless,

JL

Let it go and buy her some flowers. It's time for you to stop thinking there is more to this then you already know. Just start buy taking long walks together. You need to let it go and by doing just that you will help her let go as well.
Remember this that women are always closer to each other then men they seem to need each other more. This one time "A" happened when your wife was weak, let it go . Do it for her and yourself.

its me bradleym, i just lost my password
Its been a horrible journey since i last posted.
It looks like we may have got to the bottom of the problem, my wife feels she is a leasbian but is still not sure or can't be sure in coming out.
I recently forced the issue and she was going to move out but i love her so much we went to a therapist together and are still together.
She tells me she is still unsure of her sexuality and i have told her i will wait for her to figure it out.
The problem is I think I know the answer that will be forthcoming.....she is gay.
I just wonder if I can stand to wait until she tells me or if I should be pushing her to be honest with me.
She said she still wants sex with me while she figures all this out but is that healthly for me or even her?
I love her very dearly but i am afraid that all of this hard work will amount to nothing as far as we are concerned with our relationship.
My gut instinct is telling me she is afraid to come out and is struggling with this life changing event that may be about to unfold.
I think the kids, her friends and family and the fear of the unknown os some of the factors holding her back from her inner truth.
She tells me that she couldn't stay if she is lesbian even though I have offered to try different solutions to make this work for us and the kids.
She wants the kids if we seperate so I feel like I will be losing three people in one fell swoop.
I am literally sick to my stomach with anticipation and anxiety waiting for her decision.
I told her i was willing to wait but i am not sure how long i can last it is eating me up
Does anyone know of a site for info and support of men married to lesbian women?
I need some help desperatley

bradleym

I'm sorry, bradleym, for all the pain you are going through. I wish I could point you in the right direction, but I don't know any advice sites which could help you, although I am sure someone must know something.

Just want you to know someone is listening.

LIR

I am so sorry for the pain that your are feeling ,i really dont know what so sya but like Lady In Red says we are listening and we are going throu the same pain hang in there and God bless you
take care <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well its official, she and I had a heart to heart and she finally told me that she is a lesbian and needs to pursue that way of life.
I am devastated to say the least but my gut instinct was right and I'm glad that she told me the truth, but its so damn hard.
I don't know what to do now, we are making plans for her to move out and i guess we'll go from there.
She was the love of my life and now she's gone and I don't even have the kids to comfort me.
We are planning to see a therapist again to find out how to deal with our children, that will be even a harder issue to deal with.
I am upset at the thought of a lesbian couple raising my boys but what can i do but make the best of it.
I realized that matter what I did there was no way to satisfy her needs and its time to give up.
No where do i go from here??

<small>[ January 31, 2005, 05:37 PM: Message edited by: hanora ]</small>

Brad
Why are you not fighting for custody of your boys?
I told you that i am in the same situation I fought for custody of my kids and won. My kids live with me and their mother gets to see them on the weekends. You have just as mich rights to raising those kids as she does. Do you consider yourself the better parent ? Well if you do you fight for those kids so that they can live in a normal enviroment.

Do what you can to protect those kids. I am living proof that a father can get custody of his children.
Please let me know if I can help

Carl

I still wonder if your wife is a true bisexual, not a lesbian, and fell in love with another person (in an affair setting), not unlike heterosexuals have an affair outside of marriage. If this was a heterosexual affair, you might be hearing your wife saying things like 'I don't know if I've ever loved you.' In other words, wayward spouses often re-write the history of the marriage to serve their own purposes. They view the past with extremely warped vision, so that they can justify their present actions.

For your wife, it goes a huge step further. She might feel, for example, that if she could fall in love with a woman, there's no way she could have had an honest, loving relationship with you (a man). But if you feel in your heart that your relationship was an honest and loving one during the time that you were together, then I believe that it was, at least until your wife decided to get her emotional needs met elsewhere.

Why am I telling you all this? I don't think it changes anything that you need to do to deal with the marriage, and take care of you and your kids. Your marriage is not over yet. But I don't think your wife is ready to deal with the bisexual possibility. As hard as it is to be gay, being bisexual might be that much harder. Because you would never be sure where you belong, or what kind of person you should be with.

I'm telling you this, because I don't want you thinking that the entire relationship with your wife was a lie, just because she's now decided to re-write history. That happens to a lot of betrayed spouses. But perhaps if you don't have to view the entire marriage as a huge deception, you will someday be able to have a decent relationship with your wife (even if she becomes your ex-wife), for the sake of your children.

I'm so very very sorry that you're going through this. It takes the pain of infidelity, and just multiplies it, huh?

Martes

Carl...
I would like to talk to you. i am fighting for custody of my thtree boys and would like to ask you a few questions. Its not easy and very expensive but I still have many questions and you might be able to help. AdamS

BTW.... If you have boys and your wife wants to live a gay lifestyle yoiu must protect your sons. To walk away would be unforgivable they would never forgive you. At this point its about them, not you or your wife.

Hi Adam
You can reach me at C_grilo@hotmail.com
I'd be glad to help in any way I can.
carl

<small>[ November 05, 2002, 01:51 PM: Message edited by: Carl ]</small>

I am hardly an expert - dday +35 - but am in recovery with w who had A - you indicated that you had problems before with other S - I strongly urge you to work through the needs questionnaire - I was very guilty of not attending to two of my w most important needs - affection and conversation-attention - the OM addressed those needs and took advantage of my W's emotional state - look into your own heart and be honest with yourself - were you addressing her needs? It is hard for us who have been terribly hurt by an A to look at things rationally and objectively but this is precisely the time when you have to do it! Remember that your w is still in the fog and it will take time to come out - in the meantime, focus on her needs and you will begin to see that ray of sunlight that will give you the confidence and strength to continue until you have regained the love that has been misplaced -

Good luck and call upon God if you need a helping hand...he brought me to Harley and that helped me find the way back - I hope it works for you as well.

My sister's BF is divorced, with one son, age 15. His XW had 2 affairs with men, then one with a woman. XW left him for the woman, who had 2 kids of her own- XW's GF left her H.

They agreed on joint custody. The son went from one house with mom, mom's GF and GF's 2 kids, to dad's house. Eventually the XW and her GF decided to move out of state. So both of the dads ended up getting full time custody of their kids.

All I can say, if that somehow, the son is a nice, sweet kid, despite the craziness of his growing up situation. I think it helps that his dad tries to handle it very maturely. He is not bitter and mean to XW, tries to be calm and polite. My sister and her BF have actually had dinner with the XW and her GF. Pretty weird. Of course, my sister's BF has had some time for his heart to heal. I think after 3 affairs he was ready to let XW go. And now he is happy with my sis!

XW's loss is my sister's gain- because he's a really nice guy.

Well its all over but more crying at this stage.
My wife has decided to move out and get her own place taking the kids with her.
She wants to be out for Dec 1.
I can't believe that its come down to this after all these years, i am still in deep shock and i am taking tranqs every day to cope with the pain.
My ex is going to wait for the ow to come here and move in with her although i'm not sure how or when that will happen.
Everything is still amicable and will stay that way i'm sure.
The pain and sense of loss are profound and this is the worst thing to ever happen to a person, my stomach is in knots as i write this note.
I ts hard to lose the love of your life, she was my soul mate and i really love her still but i know she is gone forever and i will have to deal with it.
I'm hurting too much to write more but i will come back.

Bradley,

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There is nothing I can think of to write, I just wanted you to know that I'm praying for you and your family. May God bless you and comfort you.

Evensong

I am sorry for the pain you are going through.
I believed that you allowed her to continue this for far too long. I hope you have an excellent attorney. It is not a slam dunk that she can just take the kids. You can fight for custody.
You can also contact her employer since I believe the OW was her boss. You have allowed her unfortunately to walk all over you out of your love for her but enough is enough. Please get the best attorney you can afford immediately.
I wish you luck.

I can't believe you are letting her take the kids. Have you at least talked to her about having the kids stay with you? How are you going to explain to the kids down the road that you did not fight for them. I sorry if I'm coming across hard but I was in the same exact situation and I fought for my kids. My X ruined my life I'd be damned if I was going to stand by and let her ruin my childrens lifes. PLEASE stand up to her and find the strength to fight for your kids. Thinks about what those kids will go through in years to come living in an enviroment like that. Please protect yout kids and be strong.

Carl

I know you are hurt...crush....shocked. BUT how, why, would you just give your boys over to her to raise fully? Why won't you fight for them. Why are you giving into EVERYTHING she wants? You do NOT have to lose everything. She needs to face some choices, realize went you turn a family upside down you don't just walk away with everything the way you want it.

PLUS WHAT kind of life and normalcy will your children be raised in? Will they have to face?

Don't leave them with no answers. They need their Daddy. Fight for your children.

bump for frankdd and wiped out

I changed my name since then ...lost the password lol

bradleyj (bradleym)